Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

DH and I had a blow out last night over him not watching the kids carefully and feeling like he doesn't even want to be around. I feel like his mind is on other things...who to call on his cell, if he has to get something at home depot...I have to say he's married to his phone. I feel like I work twice as hard when he's home at times. My older son under his watch decided to get a black pen and right all over my beige leather couches my DH was on a phone call with friend he talks to almost every day. DH was a foot or two away from him. Before the couch incident my DH was near my youngest 14 months who was on top of the fire place. Then I see my DH grab his cell from his pocket dial a number and walk away not looking at the baby. So when I saw what my other son did to the couch the **** hit the fan and I FLIPPED OUT. Here I am trying to make dinner in the other room and I feel like I can't. All DH would say is that they are kids and things happen but I feel like he just saying that because he wasn't watching. It wouldn't have happened if he was watching I told him. I've been having this feeling that DH doesn't even want to be home after working 10+ hours. All I get out of him is that he says my attitude stinks and all I say back is it's because you don't think and you should be watching them and phone calls can wait. Stop putting me down he says. I asked him before all this to put socks on the kidswhile I was making dinner and it took FOREVER for him to find the sock drawer. Does your DH know where your kids sock drawer is? This will tell me a lot if he does...He told me he shouldn't need to know where the sock drawer is because that's my job. Ever since I became a SAHM he likes to throw it in my face. Is he trying to tell me that when he comes home I have to pretend like he's not home & not ask for help while I'm making dinner for him? We have a great relationship with the kids but as far as "us" goes it's getting to the point where we are annoying eachother. Quiet rides in the car, quiet dinners when it's just me and him. Now let me tell you if it was with another couple he is one talkative guy! I don't know what to say or do anymore. Anyone going through anything similar, does your DH know where your kids sock drawer is, am I asking for to much for him to just act like he's here and watch the kids, any advice?

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

I know how you feel. I feel the same way a lot of the time. DH is too "tired" to deal with DS when he gets home from work. If DS is a little hyper or whatever, I actually catch him huffing and puffing or rolling his eyes. It infuriates me.

DH was off this past Sunday and decided to put all the yard stuff away. DS wanted to b out there with him, so I let him. No joke, after 15 minutes, DH asked me to take him back in the house because "everything takes so much longer to do with him around". I told him "no kidding - welcome to my world". He got mad and asked if it was some type of payback! I responded with - "I didn't know spending time with your son was a punishment" and left DS out there.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Yeah, there are days where I have to remind him that it would be nice for DS to go along with him...like just last night when he got home he looked at me and said I'm going to go in the backyard and feed the animals. So take your son I say but he has no shoes on he says they are right there so put them on I SAY

I feel like because I *sound* so demanding to DH he gives me an attitude. If only he could just think of this without having me tell him it would be so much better. I don't want to be like Kate from that Jon and Kate show but sometimes I'm feeling like I'm acting like her and being in the right.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Yeah, same. They just do NOT have the ability to "watch the kids" AND "xyz chore/task/hobby" and it IS frustrating at times. What's worse is that he thinks he CAN so withoutfail when he tries to multitask there's a real or potential disaster awaiting me when I return home or reenter the room.
We had dinner out on Sunday; I asked DH to carry DS to the car and put him in the carseat while I made a brief call.

We're on the road and I notice... DS is missing one shoe (of a $40 pair btw ), his sippy cup is no longer with us, and the straps aren't tightened. I was FUMING.

So no, imho, my DH does NOT "watch" ds the way I do, never will. I've learned I really have to spoon feed the man every little thing, this works better for us and preempts my blowing a gasket most times.

I also notice if he's watching DS and I'm occupied with something I literally have to tell him, "Steve. TALK to your son." It seems his head is frequently up his bum about his day at work or whatever, but I'm like "can't you "think" after he's asleep, you have 2 hrs to hang out with him before bed"

He wouldn't know the sock drawer if it bit him in the arse btw.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

sad to say, this is not all that uncommon. It was a major shock to me. My dad was really involved in raising me, and I never really realized that there often was a difference between the way dads and moms watch children. as my friends started to have babies, i often heard similar complaints. then i had a baby, and it was a shock at how different we are when it comes to watching the kids. when it comes to safety issues, i will be a nag and a total pain. it's my babies' safety and i will not compromise, even if it leads to major fights. when it comes to other stuff, i have learned to let it go. (like the sock drawer, and many other things that DH has no clue about) dh also lets them watch wayyyyyy more tv than i do. at first i tried to stop that. then i gave up--they watch very little with me and very little with the nanny, so if they watch more with him, it's not so bad.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Wow. I thought i was alone in this. Dh has little time with ds. When he is with him he would rather be the funny cool good cop. I work five times as hard when he is home. My routine ( which dh thinks are a joke) get all sorts of f'ed up. I say can you do xyz he asks where xyz is. So i have to stop and get xyz because by the time he huffs and puffs looking for it I could have it done already. He woukd rather spin him on the floor like a top then do "my job" i ask not to do somethjng and get the w-t-f look. I am bad cop/wife numerous times on the weekends. This past week has been a blast in the Z hiuse dh and i have not spoken since sunday. We only speak in reference to ds. So yeah, im in the same boat. I left ds with dh a few weeks ago for the day whike i went to the city. I was secretly hoping ds would be him wild normal crazy self. Nope he was a gem in wanted dh to walk in my shoes for the day. After 3 phone calls and a few txt messages they had an " awesome" day. It kind of pissssed me off ds was so awesome for dh. It kind of made me look like a freaking lunatic when all i donis vent on what a crazy child he was all day.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Posted by 1stimemom

I know how you feel. I feel the same way a lot of the time. DH is too "tired" to deal with DS when he gets home from work. If DS is a little hyper or whatever, I actually catch him huffing and puffing or rolling his eyes. It infuriates me.

DH was off this past Sunday and decided to put all the yard stuff away. DS wanted to b out there with him, so I let him. No joke, after 15 minutes, DH asked me to take him back in the house because "everything takes so much longer to do with him around". I told him "no kidding - welcome to my world". He got mad and asked if it was some type of payback! I responded with - "I didn't know spending time with your son was a punishment" and left DS out there.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

I will say that my DH is super protective of DS when he is watching him. DS is 11 months, walking and into everything. He does know where the sock drawer is and where I keep DS clothing and stuff.

However, DH does complain when he watches DS that he is exhausting to watch, things take longer, cant get anything done, etc. and im like "hello...this is why I cant get anything done the 2 days I am home."

Im sorry you are going through this. Having kids changed DH & I's relationship a bit and we were both so overwhelmed by it. But its getting better. I think you need to write some thoughts out (I find that it helps me think clearly and not be so defensive or argumentative) and talk to him calmly..after the kids are asleep.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

This might make you feel better. My DH has only attempted to change DD's diaper ONCE in her almost 1 year of life. And that once took him about 1/2 hour and it was only pee and I got home just as he was saying "all done." I had to fix it because the diaper wasn't on tight enough.

He also never feeds her or gives her a bath and doesn't know where her socks are.

I also can't leave him alone with her for a whole day...max 2 hours so he doesn't have to do any of the above. Luckily we live next door to my IL's so if a diaper change or anything was needed he could bring her over to his mom so she could do it

I really would like to start trying for #2, but all of the above is a major deterrent b/c I don't know if I can handle it all.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

I SAH and like to "get away" for an hour or two on the weekend. no biggie, just target or foodshopping just to be alone. he makes the biggest deal about me going by myself and leaving him with the kids Hello I'm home w/ them 12 hours a day by myself, don't I deserve a break too?!

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

The only time my dh offers to watch my ds is when DS is taking an a nap! Otherwise, i'm on my own. I just kind of accepted it at this point, and i'm grateful that i have my mom to help me out. If i didn't have my mom , i'd have to hire a sitter, that's how bad it is.
I always knew my DH would be this way. I never thought he would be a hands on dad, so maybe that's why i just kind of accept it. I feel as though us girls who are responding here are in the minority though, ALL of my friends husbands are very hands on.
My dh has probably changed 2 diapers, and my son is 2.4 years old! He also has never feed him.
The one plus about my hubby though, is that he is really into our DS, he does pay a LOT of attention to him, so that makes me happy.
This post also makes me feel a little better, i'm not alone here!

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

I don't think anyone will watch our DCs the way we do, honestly, and I think we've all been in your shoes at one point or another. Parenthood is a hard adjustment especially when each partner has different views on parenting styles. Just make sure to keep communicating and to make time for yourselves as a couple. That is what helped my marriage adjust.
DH used to try to push things off on me in the beginning by saying things like "I don't know how to do it" or "I don't know where x,y,z is" but I wouldn't allow him to fall into that habit. I'd either show him or explain to him how to do it (in a nice way and without any ) and eventually he got it. Now he is very hands on with DS and will kind of take over being the primary caregiver on the weekends so I can get a break and relax a little. Good luck

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

My DH doesn't watch DS exactly the way I do, but I'm a bit obsessive. He is, however, VERY good at watching DS. He knows it's just as much his job taking care of DS as it is mine. HE wouldn't want it any other way. But I know a lot of husbands don't think this way.

As for the sock drawer question, I'll have to give DH a pass on this one. DS is only 13 mos old, and the first half of his life, he wore feety pajamas pretty much every day. Once the spring came, he was sockless and shoeless. Now that it's sock weather again, DH will figure out where the sock drawer is, or he'll simply just ask me once.

I can't imagine how frustrating this all is for you.

Message edited 10/6/2010 10:04:17 AM.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

My DH can be a pain in the a$$ in other ways, but he is great with the kids. Does he do it exactly how I would? Not at all. Sometime I don't know what he was thinking when he gets them dressed. But he does it all with minimal complaining and they're alive and fed when I return home. I left him in August for 4 days with both kids and he was awesome. And he comes home/picks up the kids three nights a week while I'm at work.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Wow, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't trust my DH to watch my kids. He is home alone with them 3x a week for about 10 hours (all 5 of them) and they are fed, bathed, the house is clean, and they are happy. I would be so so mad if my DH acted like yours. He's a parent too and he should watch them without a problem, it shouldn't all fall on you.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Posted by Momma2Be
Parenthood is a hard adjustment especially when each partner has different views on parenting styles. Just make sure to keep communicating and to make time for yourselves as a couple. That is what helped my marriage adjust.
Good luck

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Not "glad" that others have this problem too, but I guess I'm comforted that I'm not alone.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

DH is pretty good about safety but he is awful when it comes to being prepared when taking DS out. He'll go out all the time with no diaper bag, no diapers, no sippy cup, etc. DH also doesn't realize that DS has to dress warmly in cold weather. He'll take him out in the same attire as DH and DH is the type of guy who will wear shorts when everyone else is wearing a jacket.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Does he watch them the way I do? No. But, he is an amazing dad and lives to just play around with them. He wants to constantly be with them when he is home.

I couldn't have any more kids unless I had a husband who was fully involved in helping me with them. He puts them to bed, with bathe them if needed, feed them. Of course I have to tell him to do all those things, and help him along - but he does it all, and enjoys it.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

The minute DH gets home, all he wants to do is be with DD and for that I am grateful.

HOWEVER, I HAVE to be the nagging wife 90% of the time. He will change her diaper on the bed with the A/C blowing directly on her. He will let her do tummy time on the same spot the dog had his BUTT moments before. He lays her on his belly and then falls asleep with her just hanging there and sliding down slowly. He lets the dog lay all over her, and he is 25lbs!

One day he was holding her and his 5 year old niece at the same time. Because he only had one hand to hold her he was kind of squishing her to his chest and I could tell she was uncomfortable and asked him to stop. He flipped out about how I ruin everyone's fun She is two months' old - that isn't fun to her yet!

But I told him, I will never be quiet about it b/c I have to speak up for her. I get anxiety b/c when I go back to work he is going to be watching her every other day -- I keep telling him to bring her down to my mom even on the days he is home (half joking, but not really LOL)

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

No, DH does not know where the sock drawer is. I have to constantly tell him what drawer it is in. This is a major issue for us. DH thinks that putting DS in the playpen, and throwing some toys in there so he can sleep is all it takes. He will not soothe, comfort or play with DS unless he hears me coming into the room. You are def not alone on this.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

My DH is a very hands-on dad, but no, he's not me.

I'm just recently back at work after maternity leave and if I work late (as I often have to do, especially because I'm the only one who earns OT) I'm guaranteed to come home to find my DS sleeping in his clothes, in his snap and go, instead of in his pajamas sleeping in his crib. The other day I came home while DH was rocking DS in his stroller (which is fine - it's how we get him to sleep) but I stopped him so that the poor kid could have a bath and be put in pajamas first.

DH can handle DD just fine (he does know where her sock drawer is and he bathes her, gets her ready for bed and reads her bedtime stories every night) but he can't manage 2 kids at the same time. I haven't asked him to find DS's socks yet.

Re: Does your DH watch the kids like you do? Upset & advice needed too...

I hate phones
I hate phones
I hate phones
I hate phones
I hate phones



Jim is under very strict instructions that we will NOT answer or make calls at home with AJ unless its necessary. Emails are fine but not on your phone. You can talk to you firends via email after she's asleep. I feel like these young years are so precious I go nutty if he's on his laptop in the livingroom when AJ is there. But, I keep my mouth shut because he will immediately stop and help out if she's crying or asking for something.

Sock drawer?
I think its a mental blind spot. Jim will sometimes put her clothes away (including socks) i will take him over and show him each and every time when I put up her clothes (like its a field trip or something, haha) Yet anytime I ask for a pair of socks I get a blank stare or "where are they" Umm the same place YOU put them??