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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
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Explaining adoption to DD
My DD is 5 1/2. She has a few friends in her class that were adopted from other countries and are different races from their families. Today, DD asked me why her friend looks different from her parents. I wasn't sure what to tell her. She then got distracted and dropped the subject.
I know that the parents of at least two of the children explained to their own children that they are adopted. One girl proudly told me she is from China and my other friend celebrates "gotcha" day with her DD. But I'm not sure how to explain it to my DD.
Do you have any suggestions on what to say to DD?
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Posted 11/21/11 11:00 PM  |
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ABCiverson
<3 my family
Member since 1/06 7465 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
I would just tell her that her friends mommy and daddy wanted her so much they traveled all the way to "xyz" to get her. I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
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| Posted 11/21/11 11:27 PM |
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CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(
Member since 5/05 13848 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Honestly, I tried to think about how to do that I would be worried whatever I told my DD would be repeated to her classmates. Like, what if they didn't share any details yet with their child?
So stumped on this one and I am a therapist! I should know how to say stuff...
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| Posted 11/21/11 11:28 PM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by ABCiverson
I would just tell her that her friends mommy and daddy wanted her so much they traveled all the way to "xyz" to get her.
that would scare me if I were a child, someone could want to take me from far away?
Maybe leave out the details and just stick to
Posted by ABCiverson
I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
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| Posted 11/21/11 11:52 PM |
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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
I'm not an expert...
But 5 1/2 is pretty mature (judgement based on my 5 yr old nephew).
I'd say the truth... sometimes moms and dads have SO much love to share... they will give it to kids who don't have moms & dads of their own. Explain the term "adoption."
The problem is how to handle the question of what happened to the kid's original mom's & dad's... and I'd probably answer that I didn't know.
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| Posted 11/22/11 7:40 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by nycgirl
I'm not an expert...
But 5 1/2 is pretty mature (judgement based on my 5 yr old nephew).
I'd say the truth... sometimes moms and dads have SO much love to share... they will give it to kids who don't have moms & dads of their own. Explain the term "adoption."
The problem is how to handle the question of what happened to the kid's original mom's & dad's... and I'd probably answer that I didn't know.
Great answer! Thank you!!
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| Posted 11/22/11 7:47 AM |
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ABCiverson
<3 my family
Member since 1/06 7465 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by mommyIam
Posted by ABCiverson
I would just tell her that her friends mommy and daddy wanted her so much they traveled all the way to "xyz" to get her.
that would scare me if I were a child, someone could want to take me from far away?
Maybe leave out the details and just stick to
Posted by ABCiverson
I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
Didn't scare my 5 year old. She is smart enough to know no one is allowed to take her(we have had that convo too) 5 year olds understand a lot. Our best friends are going through the adoption process right now so we have already gone through this.
Message edited 11/22/2011 9:16:40 AM.
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| Posted 11/22/11 9:13 AM |
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katiebug
I'll love you for always
Member since 2/08 4624 total posts
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Katie
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
I have 3 adopted siblings, it was always out in the open, so I am not sure how our friends were told by their parents, but my parents always told us that my brothers and sister had parents that couldn't take care of them at that time in their life, but they loved them so much they wanted to make sure they had a good home, with lots of love. Or some variation of that.
ETS: on a side note, I still remember finding out my two older brothers were adopted at the kitchen table. I thought I looked just like them, which if you saw my multicultural family, we look nothing alike.
Message edited 11/22/2011 9:32:42 AM.
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| Posted 11/22/11 9:21 AM |
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Wendy
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Member since 5/05 13736 total posts
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by katiebug
ETS: on a side note, I still remember finding out my two older brothers were adopted at the kitchen table. I thought I looked just like them, which if you saw my multicultural family, we look nothing alike.
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| Posted 11/22/11 10:13 AM |
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BunnyWife
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Member since 5/07 8274 total posts
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BunnyWife
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by katiebug
ETS: on a side note, I still remember finding out my two older brothers were adopted at the kitchen table. I thought I looked just like them, which if you saw my multicultural family, we look nothing alike.
I love this
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| Posted 11/22/11 10:52 AM |
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Lisagail55
Love my little man <3
Member since 12/10 1332 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by BunnyWife
Posted by katiebug
ETS: on a side note, I still remember finding out my two older brothers were adopted at the kitchen table. I thought I looked just like them, which if you saw my multicultural family, we look nothing alike.
I love this
Love this too! 
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:21 AM |
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Lisagail55
Love my little man <3
Member since 12/10 1332 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by ABCiverson
I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
And love this too!
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:22 AM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by Wendy
Posted by katiebug
ETS: on a side note, I still remember finding out my two older brothers were adopted at the kitchen table. I thought I looked just like them, which if you saw my multicultural family, we look nothing alike.
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:22 AM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
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Veronica
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole!
So many ways a child can not look like parents.
1. She/He just DOESN'T. Maybe instead she/he takes after a uncle or aunt. No way to know
2. One or the other isn't the parent and that other real parent is whom the child looks like
3. Donor sperm/egg
4. Grandparents/Relatives raising a child
5. Adoption
etc etc etc
No way in heck would I even bother. I'd just say "I don't know, does it make a difference?" then discuss why it does. Because it shouldn't.
What people LOOK like means very little to who they are. I have a blue eye.. neither my father or mother do. Neither set of grandparents or my sibling. Meh. What people LOOK like shouldn't matter and I would teach my daugther that lesson.
JMHO
ETA: My twin brothers and sister are adopted. We told them around 6-8yrs of age. So it would have been strange. Tho some kids did ask. "Why are you so much older than patti" Since I'm 16yrs older that my baby sister. Plus "why is your Daddy and mommy so old" which is to say why my younger siblings were raised by their grandmother and her second husband (my dad) Ironically though, ppl say my sister looks like me. We share NO blood lines. So people (some) would assume I had a teenage pregnancy LOL.
If however they came to me and asked. Is Jane adopted (referring to a friend) and I knew she was. I would ask why "because she doesn't look like her parents" then say I dont know and ask the parents how THEY were handling it. Id hate for my kid to the be the one to bust that bubble. Especially since our kids had a range of response to the news.
Message edited 11/22/2011 11:29:30 AM.
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:25 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by katiebug
ETS: on a side note, I still remember finding out my two older brothers were adopted at the kitchen table. I thought I looked just like them, which if you saw my multicultural family, we look nothing alike.
Very cute!!
Thanks for all the responses guys.
I disagree with you Veronica about not discussing it. It will come up again and adoption is just a fact of life. I would rather Jordana get a positive message about adoption from me than a negative one from someone else.
We have already dealt with, "Why does X have 2 mommies and Y has 2 daddies" and "Why doesn't P live with his daddy" without incident. I just want her to understand that adoption is a beautiful thing, but at the same time not think she will be taken away from me.
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:34 AM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by Shelly
I disagree with you Veronica about not discussing it. It will come up again and adoption is just a fact of life. I would rather Jordana get a positive message about adoption from me than a negative one from someone else.
I wouldnt say I was suggesting to avoid it all together but I'd be clear on the parent's choice first. Yes its a fact of life. One I know. It shouldn't be negative at all. But I wouldn't want to just make my child's curiousity satisified at the expense of another child's misery.
My issue is 'they look different' strikes a nerve with me personally. That angle I'd tackle head on. But you're right. I wouldn't AVOID the adoption issue but I wouldn't speak on it without a conversation with the parents.
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:45 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by Xelindrya
Posted by Shelly
I disagree with you Veronica about not discussing it. It will come up again and adoption is just a fact of life. I would rather Jordana get a positive message about adoption from me than a negative one from someone else.
I wouldnt say I was suggesting to avoid it all together but I'd be clear on the parent's choice first. Yes its a fact of life. One I know. It shouldn't be negative at all. But I wouldn't want to just make my child's curiousity satisified at the expense of another child's misery.
My issue is 'they look different' strikes a nerve with me personally. That angle I'd tackle head on. But you're right. I wouldn't AVOID the adoption issue but I wouldn't speak on it without a conversation with the parents.
I understand where you are coming from, but the parents are very open about the adoption. The girl knows she came from China and her brother came from Korea. The family is also in an adoption "club" and get together frequently with the people they traveled to China with for the adoption (other families also adopting). If there was any question of whether the child knew or not- I wouldn't even consider saying something without speaking to the parents.
But I truly believe adoption is a beautiful thing. And I think its normal for my child to notice that some people are a different race from their parents. In some cases, like another girl in her class, the parents are of different races themselves. But in this case, the child is from China and the parents are white Jews from the North east. I don't want to discourage my child's observations and curiosity, and I want her to feel confident she can ask me about it rather than someone else.
Message edited 11/22/2011 11:55:58 AM.
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| Posted 11/22/11 11:55 AM |
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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
Name:
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
My parents discussed adoption with me so early on that I don't remember the discussion. I think Wendy's had children up for adoption in their restaurants & I know that now they have a "wednesday's child" on NBC. My dad was adopted by one of his family members. My parents considered adopting a child verbally with us many times... but decided they were too old when an opportunity arose (my mom still mourns that fact).
It's one of lots of "other" families.
I DO remember my own "2 mommies" conversation, the "grandma and mommy" parents, as well as the "single parent" conversation. It was just explained as sometimes... things are this way... but whoever raises the kid does it because they have all this love to share.
I think when done honestly without pretense and fear... early conversations are great!
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| Posted 11/22/11 12:10 PM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by Shelly
I understand where you are coming from, but the parents are very open about the adoption.
oh well then duh, I missed that.. My bad SORRY! Heck yeah.. then I'd talk it up
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| Posted 11/22/11 12:44 PM |
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TheDivineMrsM
2 girls 4 me!
Member since 8/08 7878 total posts
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Mama mama mama....
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by ABCiverson
I would just tell her that her friends mommy and daddy wanted her so much they traveled all the way to "xyz" to get her. I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
I think this is perfect.
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| Posted 11/22/11 1:55 PM |
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Kelly9904
Mommy to 2 amazing little boys
Member since 5/05 9306 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
My niece is adopted so I have had this discussion with DS. He is almost 4 so his questions probably werent as thoughtful at the time as your DD's might be.
We just told him that when his cousin was born, her parents couldnt take care of her anymore, so they asked people to find her a good home where people woudl be able to take care of her and give her food, and take her to school etc. ANd thats where DS's aunt & uncle came in. They brought her home from China when she was just a baby and she is part of our family just like my DS or any of his other cousins.
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| Posted 11/22/11 2:05 PM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by Kelly9904
My niece is adopted so I have had this discussion with DS. He is almost 4 so his questions probably werent as thoughtful at the time as your DD's might be.
We just told him that when his cousin was born, her parents couldnt take care of her anymore, so they asked people to find her a good home where people woudl be able to take care of her and give her food, and take her to school etc. ANd thats where DS's aunt & uncle came in. They brought her home from China when she was just a baby and she is part of our family just like my DS or any of his other cousins.
I like this explanation. It follows what we told our siblings.
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| Posted 11/22/11 3:25 PM |
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Babylove10
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/10 814 total posts
Name:
Doreen
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by ABCiverson
I would just tell her that her friends mommy and daddy wanted her so much they traveled all the way to "xyz" to get her. I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
I think this is such a sweet explanation especially the last part.
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| Posted 11/22/11 3:46 PM |
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
Posted by ABCiverson
I would just tell her that her friends mommy and daddy wanted her so much they traveled all the way to "xyz" to get her. I would also explain that she didn't grow in her mommys tummy(like she did) but in her mommys heart instead.
I'm not sure I'd do that. What happened if her parents didn't tell her she was adopted yet.
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| Posted 11/22/11 4:19 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Explaining adoption to DD
I would explain that families come on different ways. Some babies are born from their parents and other babies are born from another woman and their parents then adopt them.
I would not refer to the bio person as a mom or mother (that comes with being a mom)
I wouldn't say someone couldn't take care of them (so if you can't take care of J, is she going to think you will have someone adopt her) ,
and I wouldn't say they grew in their heart instead of their belly (biological children grow in a parents heart just as much as adopted children) .
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| Posted 11/22/11 6:05 PM |
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