GTG poll---IF grads related..

I am doing a poll so no one feels bad saying what they really feel.

Should recent IF grads be allowed at the GTG??

I would love to meet you all, but would TOTALLY understand if you didnt think it was appropriate.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Honestly, I think that if we exclude people on pg basis there may be/hopefully will be many more members of this board who are ineligible by the time the GTG rolls around. Are we suppose to say that as long as you don't have 2 lines on a stick you are welcome? Just my 2 cents. Everyone who has ever been on this board understands the heartbreak and struggle.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

I hope we're welcome at the GTG...after all, we've all been on the same journey...

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

honestly - I'm glad you posted this question.

We wanted to come to the last GTG a ways back, but were unavailable.

Now, of course, we're, I guess, what you'd call ineligible - our kids are already here.

I don't think we're able to trek to LI on a Thursday night anyway, so this is a moot point, but we had kicked around the idea of asking if anyone would mind if we attend. We know some of the vets, so we'd love to catch up, and maybe could provide some insight to some of the newer folks.

While I think grads should be invited, because you never forget the struggle and want to be a resource to others, we didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and discourage them from coming.

So, while I think grads should be invited - I see the other side of the coin as well.

ETA: we "graduated" in October 2007 - fairly recent - but not sure if we fit the definition of "recent"

Message edited 6/15/2008 7:06:04 PM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

I think if you were a member of this board you should be welcome...every success story and every "graduation" reinforces that it IS possible and while there are ups and downs in this horrible IF process, we should never give up hope. The more the merrier!

ETS: I think our biggest resource are those that have walked before us. They are the ones we ask for guidence here on the boards. Why should they not be welcome at our GTG. I just underwent my first IVF cycle if I find out the first week of July that it worked does that mean i'm no longer welcome and invited?

Message edited 6/15/2008 8:13:33 PM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Thank you for posting this question as I had been asked if I planned to go. Then I contemplated not if I would be welcome, but if it would be too difficult for others. At my first IF GTG, there were two PG ladies and it rather inspired me.

But even though the poll above shows that those who have graduated would be accepted by the majority, the numbers are awfully close and not all those in opposition are not posting their feelings - which is fine and perfectly understandable.

Personally, the last thing I'd want to do is upset anyone. We all have a level of tolerance that differs from each other. I suppose the question would be, how does a grad decide whether or not to go? Do they go by the poll or by what is written here?

Message edited 6/15/2008 9:23:57 PM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

I spent a LOT of time thinking about this topic and mulling it over with DH before dinner tonight...

I know the poll is anonymous so as not to force anyone to state a potentially offensive opinion, but...I would honestly like to hear the reason from those 9 people. If you don't feel comfortable posting, please enlighten me in a FM. Here's why I'm confused and, frankly, a little shocked that almost half of you don't feel we should be welcomed at IF GTGs:

Everyone on this board is trying to achieve the SAME goal...right? What if there were a board on LIF that was a place that people could vent about the frustrations of saving up for a house. People go there to vent, talk about how all of these unexpected monetary expenses keep coming up, and how it seems to keep them from their goal. Then, little by little, a few of the board members FINALLY achieve their goal of being able to buy their own home. Does that mean that they wouldn't be welcome to still be friends with the people who supported them, cheered them on, and lended a "shoulder" to cry on when things were looking bleak?

Is the message here that, if you should succeed in reaching your goal, that you are no longer welcome or accepted by the same people who cheered you on along during your journey--long or short as it may have been?

Yes, I'm pregnant. But it took a damned lot of patience, bloodwork, sonograms, prayer, lots of intense crying sessions and even a few screaming sessions with my DH because of the stress we were both under.

I will never get pregnant just by enjoying a nice "roll in the hay" with my husband. There will always be medication, injections, timed intercourse, and very little romance involved. I will be an infertility patient for the remainder of my childbearing years, as will most of us.

And I'll be totally honest, as I always am (especially with you ladies here)--I think it would be a real eye-opener if the same ladies that I cried to, cried FOR, and continue to pray for didn't feel that my presence was acceptable, or the presence of any other graduate.

Those are just my feelings on the subject.

Let the flaming begin!

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Im glad to see the responses.

I will be honest and say as a grad I tend to avoid them anyway.

I feel like some of the times there are GTG's where it should be those still in the struggle.

When I was at GTG's with grads , well I sometimes felt weird , so I now take that into consideration.

Lets be honest, Kid talk comes up. Its hard for new parents NOT to talk about there kids etc and it was THAT that I was uncomfortable with while I was in the midst of the infertility battle.

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I am surprised you spent so much time mulling it over and never thought maybe its hard for someone still on the journey to look, or sit next to a PG person- graduate or not.

Don hit it right on the head! The same reason some people dont go to baby showers of people they really love. When you dont have that baby in your belly or in your arms, sometimes you must be in self preservation mode to survive. Anyone who has been through this should remember that. Thats why 9 people said no. And if you dont remember that already, well then shame on you.

And yes, if grads go, others can then make a decision about whether they can handle it and want to go. But out of all people present and past who have been on the IF journey. Who do you think needs the support of an IF GTG the most? There may be one person out there who has no other place where they feel "safe" from baby talk, and supported for their struggles. That person should be able to come without any concerns.

We can meet all the grads at another GTG, but this should be about the thing many of us share, wanting to have a baby and NOT being able to.

I actually voted yes, they should be allowed, but after this post, I think I would like to change my vote

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

totally agree with all responses and POV's on this one

for the record, if we WERE to come (and like I said, we likely can't anyway) - the LAST thing we would do is talk about the kids, or whip out pics or anything like that. I know it's a natural thing, but we would try even hard to not mention them, unless someone asked how they were, and then we would give a quick answer and move on

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I can't go to the GTG - too far for me for a work night - but if I could, I would be thrilled to see some of the graduates. There's something very inspiring in meeting and talking with IF graduates - it gives me hope...

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First off...I responded that I have no problem with Grads.

But, for those eleven that didn't...

I'm with Pauline and Lisa here...although I am able to deal well with PG people I know and love...I find it hard to see PG people around me most of the time. Especially now, when I should be @ 35 weeks.

If you are having a GTG with friends who you have gone through this journey with and are very close with, it's not so much of an issue.
The boards however, especially right now, have a lot of recent graduates...which means the IF GTG would consist of mostly graduates at this point. How does that make those who are still struggling feel? Yes, it can give you hope - but at the same time, someone who is still taking drugs or just suffered "another" failed IVF cycle has to sit next to someone who is thrilled that she just had her sono or ultrascreen.

And as far as what Don said about not talking about it...first, someone would ask you about the baby/babies and you would answer them and it wouldn't be quick...you can't help it. I don't blame anyone for it...how can you not talk about the most exciting thing in your life. There is no way that someone is going to sit there (especially if you have a group of people) and NOT talk about their pregnancy and/or baby.

I, personally, have no problems with it. I have friends with babies and friends who are pregnant and I can talk to them about it and not have it affect me. I don't take it personally. But, obviously, there are some people on this board who don't want to deal with it or can't. Why should they be ostracized from or uncomfortable at an IF GTG, when the GTG is supposed to be for those currently suffering from IF.
More importantly, why should they be called out?

Message edited 6/16/2008 8:13:55 AM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

I will not be attending since I will be away on vacation but if I could, I would LOVE to meet the graduates of IF. I feel that so many of the recent graduates (even later ones) have truly inspired me (even though I am not around that long). Everyone has gone down that IF journey, even if you are soon to be parents or parents already, so it would be comforting....

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I'm still TTC but if I were to go (I can't bc I'm in NJ ) but if I could, I would LOVE to meet IF grads - they always give me hope!

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I agree with Gerty, Lisa and Pauline.

I guess it really all depends on how long you've been on this journey, and just how much you can handle at this point.

I actually just saw this post, so I didn't vote yet, but I guess I would have to say it all depends.

Do I want to sit next to someone who is 6 months pregnant with a giant belly at an IF gtg? Definitely not. Is it different for those who haven't yet been able to make the jump to pregnancy because they are so early that they're scared? Definitely.

Half the graduates of this board don't even come on here anymore. But guess what, we're still here. We're still having those struggles. And no, I'm not saying that you should hang around here and sob with us, and I am truly nothing but thrilled for those who have graduated....but I also think you should think about where you were just a few short months ago. Would you want a woman who is 6 months pregnant sitting next to you? I would just hope that everyone would use their best judgment in deciding whether or not to come. Because honestly, if it were me that was pregnant (in fact, during one IF gtg that I didn't attend) I would think twice about whether or not I would want to subject the other girls to that. Even if just ONE girl would feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't go.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

After reading more reponses from vets and non vets I have learned a lot more and have different thoughts. Not changed thoughts, but new ones in addition.

When I left my RE's office for my OB's practice, the social worker that was there congratulated me and asked me to come back with the baby. The very first thing I said to her was that I would have to do so at the end of the day, after the last appointment so as not to upset current patients who are still struggling. I still plan to do this.

When I had been a patient at NSUH and people were coming in with infants and toddlers for what appear to be them "trying again" for a second or a third child, I had a huge smile on my face and a huge faith in the practice I was using. But as I looked around me, I saw women weeping in their husband's arms with despair. I knew why.

So again, I have to say what I am able to tolerate after my relatively short journey after my own struggle, my own losses and my own success, I cannot impose upon others and I could not bear to be a source of discomfort for anyone else. Right now, it is more important for the women in the struggle to get the support they need than for me to be there.

Thank you to the vets and anyone else who has shared their thoughts and shed some light on perspectives I may not have developed on my own.

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I honestly think -- if you are a grad and haven't formed relationships yet, now won't be the time, KWIM?

I won't be going -- because the people I am friends with, I can GTG with any time. I would not want to make others uncomfortable with my presence, especially if we don't have a prior friendship going.

And yes, Gerty is right -- my DD is my pride and joy (as well as my blood, sweat, tears, and a ton of $$!!) and it would be impossible for me to NOT talk about her.

I don't think anyone needs to justify their feelings, either. Those who said no grads are free to feel that way and do not need to explain themselves, IMO.

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I'm in NC, so I couldn't go even if I wanted to.....But, if I were able to go, I wouldn't if grads were going to be there.....Not because I don't like them or want to meet them, I just can't handle it emotionally. It breaks my heart to see pregnant women and when I see toddlers at the stores or whereever, I avert my eyes because it hurts so much. Right or wrong, that's how I feel.

The grads should be "allowed" to go, by all means, because not everyone feels as I do....but it would be my choice not to attend, and I wouldn't. No offense meant to anyone....seriously....

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Message edited 11/22/2010 12:10:28 PM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

Message edited 6/16/2008 9:14:52 AM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

I won't be able to attend, but if I did, I would have liked to meet some of the grads. Some were so kind to me months back with my FMs. On the other hand, I completely understand people's feelings about grads being there and not feeling comfortable. If it comes down to the grads not being included, I can't think of a more wonderful reason to be excluded from a gathering.

Message edited 6/16/2008 9:17:16 AM.

Re: GTG poll---IF grads related..

I'm Glad people voiced their honest opinion.

As agrad I take NO OFFENSE ever to not being invited.

Im ALL for a no Grads GTG. I think its important and I have always avoided the GTG's on here since I graduated as I feel its not my place....

I can all but remember when I was trying soo hard and to know someone at the table was PG for instanstance was all I could focus on ....

So Dont think that grads get offended or anything.

Some of us who still come here, UNDERSTAND