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MrsM84
LIF Adult
Member since 2/13 2352 total posts
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Without a doubt, take the day as a personal day. You would be giving a year advance notice and this is your SIL. You are entitled to ALL your days, but especially to your personal days. In our district, our union president is very strict about when you take personal days that the district isn't even legally entitled to know why you are taking that day. When we put it into our online system for approval, you are to only write one of two things as your reason for request -- "pressing personal business" or "pressing family business". It's not their business to know if you're going to a wedding, if you're in a wedding, if you're leaving early for a long weekend getaway, if you're having a medical procedure, if you just wanna sleep in the whole day, etc. Personal day means it's personal. If you principal is a douche, I wouldn't give him a detailed reason for my absence at all. The less you tell them the better. I had a hard ass principal a few years ago and was in a bridal party in a different state that required me to take a Friday off at the end of the year during Regents exams. It was my first year in the district and I was untenured. Heck, I even missed a day of grading my subject's Regents exam. Gave them all plenty of notice. Day got approved. I've been tenured in the district teaching for nine years. It's not going to make or break you.
Message edited 7/31/2015 10:16:03 PM.
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Posted 7/31/15 10:13 PM  |
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Maybe-Baybe
My Sunshine
Member since 7/12 3415 total posts
Name:
My only Sunshine
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I totally understand where you're coming from, and I would probably decline as a bridesmaid as well. I know it sounds crazy to most people, but if you have a "difficult" administration I would be overly cautious as well. I don't really think taking the day off will blow your tenure chances, but you just want to minimize negative attention.
Just tell SIL the truth. That you feel terrible, but taking that day off can rub your principal the wrong way and you really want to put your best foot forward next year. I'm sure she'll understand.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:13 PM |
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jgl
Love my little boys!!!
Member since 8/07 7060 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Im a nyc teacher. My principal is tough and I would ask for the day. It is your sil. Im sure it will be fine. People are entitled to take days off. Just show the invite when you pget it. And i never heard of getting a letter formtaking more than the 6-8'weeks off
Or just call out sick and go to dr that morning lol
Message edited 7/31/2015 10:21:30 PM.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:20 PM |
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Teachergal
We made a snowman!
Member since 1/08 3239 total posts
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MissJones
Principals come and go. In laws are forever. It's over a year away. If you decline, it will be more of a headache with your family.
This. I am a teacher. Put in for the personal day now. Get it in writing that you are giving them plenty of notice. It will be fine although I'm sure it seems overwhelming now.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:21 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Maybe-Baybe
I totally understand where you're coming from, and I would probably decline as a bridesmaid as well. I know it sounds crazy to most people, but if you have a "difficult" administration I would be overly cautious as well. I don't really think taking the day off will blow your tenure chances, but you just want to minimize negative attention.
Just tell SIL the truth. That you feel terrible, but taking that day off can rub your principal the wrong way and you really want to put your best foot forward next year. I'm sure she'll understand.
thank you for understanding. It's just SO hard to get others to understand! And yes, while one day won't ruin my tenure chances, what people don't get is that if it rubs my principal the wrong way, she can "find" other reasons.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:21 PM |
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DaniJude
You're My Home <3
Member since 11/06 14815 total posts
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Danielle
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
My maternal grandmother DIED and my sister didn't take a day bc she was untenured.
That shit is no joke as a teacher.
It's sad but true.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:22 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I sent you a FM but I wanted to say publicly that I have BTDT and I completely and totally understand your concern.
I will add that before you take anyone's advice on here as to what they can and can't put in your file, PLEASE talk to your union rep, as some posters have already suggested. I've been in more than one district and they are NOT all the same.
I've seen such viciousness done to good, hardworking people who don't deserve it. I could swear I was watching a movie because it just couldn't be real. But it was.
I am not saying don't take it. I can help you weigh the pros and cons offline if you would like to bounce ideas off of someone. But what I will say here is the concern is real, and depending on the particulars of the situation, you could experience unbelievable backlash, far out of proportion to what a sane person would expect.
Message edited 7/31/2015 10:23:43 PM.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:22 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by MomMom
Posted by MESal0820
I would take the day.
It's your husbands sister.
I agree. It's ONE day. Call in sick or a personal day. Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to not be in the bridal party but I think it's nice that you were even asked.
not looking for an excuse at all- I am obsessed with party planning and I am dying to plan her shower. I have done every baby and bridal shower for the families i the last two years because I really truly love it. I live for this stuff. I just have to think about my career.
I worked my a$$ off for a LONG time doing leave replacements that lead to nothing full-time. When I finally got a full time position, it felt like I won the lottery.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:26 PM |
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Teachergal
We made a snowman!
Member since 1/08 3239 total posts
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JennP
I sent you a FM but I wanted to say publicly that I have BTDT and I completely and totally understand your concern.
I will add that before you take anyone's advice on here as to what they can and can't put in your file, PLEASE talk to your union rep, as some posters have already suggested. I've been in more than one district and they are NOT all the same.
I've seen such viciousness done to good, hardworking people who don't deserve it. I could swear I was watching a movie because it just couldn't be real. But it was.
I am not saying don't take it. I can help you weigh the pros and cons offline if you would like to bounce ideas off of someone. But what I will say here is the concern is real, and depending on the particulars of the situation, you could experience unbelievable backlash, far out of proportion to what a sane person would expect.
I agree with this but only if the principal had other reasons to be annoyed with the OP. This one and only incident is not going to suddenly turn an administrator against a teacher. I have been union rep in my building and the admins definitely have their favorites and those that they don't like. Yes, they give them a harder time. However, if the OP doesn't have previous reasons to think the admin is upset with her then one day is really just one day, especially with over a year's notice. If the OP does think the admin is upset/annoyed/critical of her, well, then that's very different.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:28 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by DaniJude
My maternal grandmother DIED and my sister didn't take a day bc she was untenured.
That shit is no joke as a teacher.
It's sad but true.
ugh i know it is absolutely terrible. I love teaching, but it can be very hard to remind myself why i chose this career
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:28 PM |
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Anxious3
LIF Infant
Member since 1/13 164 total posts
Name:
floof
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I don't get why you posted here and are upset that the majority of people don't agree with you - or we just "aren't understanding" you. If you've already spoken to your co-workers who understand the situation more than we can ever possibly hope to, why not just take their advice? What was the point of the post then?
The bottom line is that I don't think anyone in your DH's family will be at all understanding about you not attending the wedding ceremony of your husband's sister, and I think you know that too. Will your DH be understanding? This is your family. They won't likely forget your absence.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:29 PM |
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Teachergal
We made a snowman!
Member since 1/08 3239 total posts
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by cets1290
Posted by Maybe-Baybe
I totally understand where you're coming from, and I would probably decline as a bridesmaid as well. I know it sounds crazy to most people, but if you have a "difficult" administration I would be overly cautious as well. I don't really think taking the day off will blow your tenure chances, but you just want to minimize negative attention.
Just tell SIL the truth. That you feel terrible, but taking that day off can rub your principal the wrong way and you really want to put your best foot forward next year. I'm sure she'll understand.
thank you for understanding. It's just SO hard to get others to understand! And yes, while one day won't ruin my tenure chances, what people don't get is that if it rubs my principal the wrong way, she can "find" other reasons.
How does your principal feel about you? Why are you so worried?
I think if you don't go, you will regret it in the years to come. This is your husband's sister. It is a big deal! I feel as if this will cause unnecessary waves in your DH's family.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:32 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Anxious3
I don't get why you posted here and are upset that the majority of people don't agree with you - or we just "aren't understanding" you. If you've already spoken to your co-workers who understand the situation more than we can ever possibly hope to, why not just take their advice? What was the point of the post then?
The bottom line is that I don't think anyone in your DH's family will be at all understanding about you not attending the wedding ceremony of your husband's sister, and I think you know that too. Will your DH be understanding? This is your family. They won't likely forget your absence.
the "dont understand" was referring to DH's family and how I don't think they will understand. I am sorry if this was taken differently. In reference to why I posted, please see the title of the post. I asked how to go about breaking the news to her if you would like me to get technical.
Yes my DH is very understanding and plans to speak with his family with me. He does not want me risking it, because he saw how long and hard my ride to a full-time position was. My concern is that his sister is a very emotional person, and does not handle certain situations very well. My concern is her- I do not want to hurt her feelings because I have a good relationship with her and don't want her to think it's in any way a reflection on her. It is solely just me and my career
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:33 PM |
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ANR1211
My loves
Member since 2/11 2131 total posts
Name:
A
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I took a day 2 months into teaching to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. It's more than enough time. I agree it's a crappy time to have a wedding, but you agreed to be in the wedding. I would never miss my SIL's wedding!
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:34 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Teachergal
How does your principal feel about you? Why are you so worried?
I think if you don't go, you will regret it in the years to come. This is your husband's sister. It is a big deal! I feel as if this will cause unnecessary waves in your DH's family.
I THINK my principal likes me, but I don't see her much to be honest. She doesn't really talk to many teachers- only a select few that are on planning committees and whatnot.
I just saw some shady things being done in the building that were not OK and that I do not want to disclose on here. Not anything done to me personally, but things done to other teachers who were/are very hardworking people, all over personal issues.
I am very happy with my ratings, and feel that I am respected in my building, but you cannot blame me for being worried when I know there are 23948723947 other people who want my job
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:38 PM |
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Lara&Aidansmommy
For mom i miss u ETC ILOVEU
Member since 3/07 13921 total posts
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ETC I LOVE YOU
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I understand your dilemna lol. Id tell my sil that i will ask for the day off BUT i cant make you any promises, my principal most llikely will have an issue with giving me the day. Thats all lol
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:46 PM |
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LiveItUp
Love my babies!
Member since 8/11 4096 total posts
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
As someone who tried for a few years to get a tenure track teaching position before giving up because it really is nearly impossible unless you're friends or family to a superintendent, I say do what you have to do to get your tenure. Yes, it's your SILs wedding, but this is your career, and it really is truly a huge deal to get tenured these days. I would maybe wait a little while before you tell your SIL though, if you can, unless she's already picking out bridesmaid dresses and stuff like that. Because if you're ttc right now, for all you know, you might end up being on your maternity leave coinciding with the wedding, in which case you'd be off anyway. But really, tenure and job responsibilities aside, if you do have a newborn or infant at that time, or if you're near the end of your pregnancy, you may not be up for being a bridesmaid anyway. And if you do have a baby by next school year, you're likely to have to take several personal days throughout the school year if the baby gets sick or anything like that. So you may not want to "waste" one so early in the school year. 1 pm on a weekday seems like a bad choice for a wedding time. I would think as long as you can make it for the receptions she should understand.
Message edited 7/31/2015 10:49:33 PM.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:46 PM |
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cets1290
LIF Adult
Member since 6/14 1051 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by LiveItUp
As someone who tried for a few years to get a tenure track teaching position before giving up because it really is nearly impossible unless you're friends or family to a superintendent, I say do what you have to do to get your tenure. Yes, it's your SILs wedding, but this is your career, and it really is truly a huge deal to get tenured these days. I would maybe wait a little while before you tell your SIL though, if you can, unless she's already picking out bridesmaid dresses and stuff like that. Because if you're ttc right now, for all you know, you might end up being on your maternity leave coinciding with the wedding, in which case you'd be off anyway. But really, tenure and job responsibilities aside, if you do have a newborn or infant at that time, or if you're near the end of your pregnancy, you may not be up for being a bridesmaid anyway. And if you do have a baby by next school year, you're likely to have to take several personal days throughout the school year if the baby gets sick or anything like that. So you may not want to "waste" one so early in the school year. 1 pm on a weekday seems like a bad choice for a wedding time. I would think as long as you can make it for the receptions she should understand.
For my wedding, I went crazy with bridesmaids gifts and began buying early. My DH reminded me of this and said if I wait a few months and found out she started purchasing things, I would feel terrible. She is a very organized individual (she set up three registries in the first week she got engaged, lol), so I'm not sure how she would feel if I didn't tell her early on.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:53 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by Teachergal
Posted by JennP
I sent you a FM but I wanted to say publicly that I have BTDT and I completely and totally understand your concern.
I will add that before you take anyone's advice on here as to what they can and can't put in your file, PLEASE talk to your union rep, as some posters have already suggested. I've been in more than one district and they are NOT all the same.
I've seen such viciousness done to good, hardworking people who don't deserve it. I could swear I was watching a movie because it just couldn't be real. But it was.
I am not saying don't take it. I can help you weigh the pros and cons offline if you would like to bounce ideas off of someone. But what I will say here is the concern is real, and depending on the particulars of the situation, you could experience unbelievable backlash, far out of proportion to what a sane person would expect.
I agree with this but only if the principal had other reasons to be annoyed with the OP. This one and only incident is not going to suddenly turn an administrator against a teacher. I have been union rep in my building and the admins definitely have their favorites and those that they don't like. Yes, they give them a harder time. However, if the OP doesn't have previous reasons to think the admin is upset with her then one day is really just one day, especially with over a year's notice. If the OP does think the admin is upset/annoyed/critical of her, well, then that's very different.
I hear you, and maybe we're splitting hairs, but I think what she should be prepared for is that admins can be upset/annoyed/critical for reasons that a reasonable person would never imagine could be the case. So you wouldn't think they would have a problem, but they do. And yes, usually you can tell how a boss feels about you, but.... I just wrote this whole thing and then deleted it because I just can't go there in public.
Anyway, if she takes the day, she should definitely not only speak to the rep but see if she can find out if there is a history of the admin blindsiding people.
Just a thought from someone who has BTDT.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:54 PM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19458 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I would think that the district would have more of an issue with wanting 12 weeks for a pregnancy than one day for a wedding.
So frankly, I would postpone ttc until you have tenure.
Will one day make or break tenure? I would ask your union rep. their thoughts on the matter. I would give as much notice as possible and take the day.
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| Posted 7/31/15 10:54 PM |
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CallaLily
Thank you, Saint Gerard!
Member since 10/07 4937 total posts
Name:
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
First of all, take what you read here with a grain of salt. Unless people are in education today they have no idea of the culture and climate that we are in right now. Secondly, as was said, every district is different. You seem to know where your administration stands and sad as it is, you should probably trust your gut. Speak with your union reps but keep in mind that as an untenured teacher they will not fight for you. You need to do what is best for you and what you are comfortable with. I'm sure DH's family will understand. Good luck to you!
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| Posted 7/31/15 11:06 PM |
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Tah-wee-ZAH
Kisses
Member since 5/05 15952 total posts
Name:
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Posted by JennP
I sent you a FM but I wanted to say publicly that I have BTDT and I completely and totally understand your concern.
I will add that before you take anyone's advice on here as to what they can and can't put in your file, PLEASE talk to your union rep, as some posters have already suggested. I've been in more than one district and they are NOT all the same.
I've seen such viciousness done to good, hardworking people who don't deserve it. I could swear I was watching a movie because it just couldn't be real. But it was.
I am not saying don't take it. I can help you weigh the pros and cons offline if you would like to bounce ideas off of someone. But what I will say here is the concern is real, and depending on the particulars of the situation, you could experience unbelievable backlash, far out of proportion to what a sane person would expect.
Well said and I've BTDT too.
I've been teaching for 24 years now and I can honestly say I cannot believe how cut-throat the work environment has become. Personally, this was my most difficult year ever. And like Jenn P. I can't even allude to what happened... but she is correct, some days it's like a bizarre movie. Almost on a daily basis I witness things that I cannot believe are happening.
I've seen teachers, tenured and untenured, attacked by administration for nothing. No one speaks at meetings anymore, no one asks questions never mind debates the pros and cons of a proposed policy. In that last 7 years, less than 25% of new hires received tenure. Many who did not were good teachers. There was once a time, everyone got tenure. Some teachers tenured 15 years ago would never get tenure now.
Unlike the business world, you can't just "find another job" or "find another company". It just doesn't work that way and, like the poster said, there are thousands, yes thousands, of applicants for every position... and with the tax cap there are very few positions, very few... you have to know someone.
Jenn P is correct. The workplace for teachers is very insecure. Please don't attack the poster for asking for advice and not listening to it. We've all been there when we are thinking out loud and know what we feel we need to do but just want confirmation from others in similar shoes.
Go with your gut. 
Message edited 7/31/2015 11:18:42 PM.
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| Posted 7/31/15 11:15 PM |
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Epeebes
Easy Peasy!
Member since 11/07 1428 total posts
Name:
Epeebes
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
Being absent so early in the school year is usually a red flag as is right before/after a holiday. So I get how you are feeling. This year my first year I had to miss a day 2 weeks into school. But everyone and my admin knew why I missed the day, as I had been injured on my way to work, and I went into work that day, cried most of the day in pain and took off the next. One of my grade team members was out the 3rd day of school as she was in a car accident. They had to have surgery a few months later and was still afraid to tell admin and miss work. A few weeks later another teacher on my floor injured themselves and was out for a few days.
Granted none of those are personal days the sentiment of crap I need to not be absent so early in the school year ran through all of our minds.
Only you know what's the best decision for you career wise. Also on a side note if you go on maternity leave when you're untenured I think your tenure date gets pushed back. I could be wrong but I would check into that.
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| Posted 7/31/15 11:53 PM |
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Seawolf
LIF Adult
Member since 3/14 1336 total posts
Name:
Scrumba
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Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
What if you took a half day and left at 11:30? It would show real dedication... "I'm in the BP of An immediate family member but I still came to work for 5 hours."
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| Posted 8/1/15 12:05 AM |
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PitterPatter11
Baby Boy is Here!
Member since 5/11 7619 total posts
Name:
Momma <3
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how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?
I'm a teacher and I'd take the day. In fact, I'm doing just that this year for my bil's wedding. I honestly can't see your admin holding something like this against you and I've worked at FOUR different schools.
Maybe you can take a half day. At my school, I'm able to leave at 10:45 am, which would give me more than enough time to get ready for an afternoon wedding.
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| Posted 8/1/15 6:21 AM |
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