Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Honestly, I have administration similar to yours. However, my principal loves telling us what to do. So when I have a sticky situation I go to her looking for "advice". I would say to her that you were invited to your sil wedding and the time is at 1 but you know you have an obligation at school and are looking for advice on how to handle it.

As an aside, you said you were ttc and THAT I would be more concerned with. I got pregnant my tenure year and wasn't due until sept of the following year and sweated it out that entire summer because I was afraid I was going to get the axe before I even walked in in sept (which is technically when your tenure starts).

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

You can mention to sil you think it might be hard to get off work that week and see what she says ...it will be softer blow when you tell her you can't, it's like a heads up but not official no. Her reaction too will be good indicater how she will handle this.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I was a school administrator for many years and it is ridiculous that one day would ruin tenure. That is nuts.

Family events happen and we have no control over when they do. Just as we have no control over when holidays fall.

A few years ago on the day when I hired a teacher, he said, "I need to tell you that my bf is getting married on Sept 15th, I will need to request those days off"

Of course I gave them to him. I didn't ride him...shit happens! Life happens!

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I'm a teacher.

Request the day!!! I think you're being very dramatic in your thinking.

It's one day and for a VERY valid reason.

If administration is the type to deny you tenure for taking one day off - they will certainly find another reason to if you don't.

Missing your husband's sister's wedding is unacceptable in this situation.

Your other option is take a half day.

I had to take off two days this year for my brother's wedding in Florida. I asked and was approved. I gave plenty of notice.

Things happen. That's why they give you these days to use.

You're risking damaging a relationship with someone you will have contact the rest of your life.

What would happen if you have car trouble one day on the way to work and you have to wait for a tow truck, but it takes a fewew hours and you don't have another mode of transportation to use to get to work---you'll be denied tenure?

Message edited 8/1/2015 8:38:45 AM.

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I am not a teacher, but I find t hard to believe that they won't give you tenure because you have request one day. If you or anyone didn't get tenure because of one day there must be other issue.

I say take the day otherwise you will create problems with your husbands family

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

DH teaches in the city and is tenured. He won't take a Friday or a Monday off. Can you make it to pictures or the reception and not go to the church?

And yes, they can deny her tenure for whatever reason they feel fit. Once any other district sees she was denied tenure somewhere she is screwed.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I don't think you are overreacting.
Your career is the most important thing.

If someone decides to hold their wedding ceremony at a ridiculous time like 1pm on a Friday, then they have to expect that there will be people who cannot make it due to work.

Not everyone can or wants to take off work to attend a wedding ceremony and if you are in an uncomfortable situation you just need to explain it to your inlaws. I am sure there will be a lot of people that have to miss the ceremony due to the unfortunate timing.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

You should take a personal day and tell your principal the situation. They cannot legally hold it against you. Your work should speak for itself and have confidence, as a pp said if they deny you tenure it will not be because of a personal day! Principals like when you explain things to them. Legally you DO NOT have to tell them the reason you are taking off, but to maintain a good relationship with your boss you should . You cannot miss the ceremony anyways can you??? That seems wrong to me.

As an aside, I would wait until you receive tenure to TTC....or at least wait until the spring so if you get pregnant they will not know until the following school year. Sounds silly but it's life unfortunately.

Message edited 8/1/2015 9:38:30 AM.

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Honestly, I wouldn't take the day off if I were you. I am not a teacher, but the way you describe your situation and the way the other teachers at your job told you not to, is reason enough for me.
And I'm sure the bride to be can expect a lot of people not being there. 1:00 p.m. on a Friday is a hard time.
I would be very honest with her and just explain the situation from now. I'm sure there will be people in the family who don't get it, but that's not your problem. This is your career.
Good luck.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Not a teacher but I would try REALLY hard to get the day off...why not ask to leave early like 11 am ..that way you are not taking a full day but you are still going to be there for the ceremony..I feel the ceremony is huge for a family member. This is outrageous in any profession if you cannot take a day off for a family obligation. Good luck and keep us posted. I feel once you decision is made you can breathe

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

im a teacher. if it's in 1 year, i think you are completely fine taking off. let them know now.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I think you should talk to your union rep - they'll be able to tell you better than anyone else.

I do think that if you're concerned about your tenure being affected by taking ONE DAY for a family wedding, it's not really smart to take TWELVE WEEKS for maternity leave.

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I would personally put in for a personal day. I would write on the personal day request form that you are a bridesmaid in your sister in laws wedding. I would have to be there for the ceremony. I'm a teacher so I get it. Its very hard to take off. Just try your best not to take any other days off and it should be fine. GL

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I find it interesting too your lack of concern on the ttc/maternity situation as someone previously posted. I'm not sure why that would come into play. Is taking the personal day on Friday in Sept a day you would rather keep in case something? I just agree with the other teachers here saying it should not be a problem at all and I would have a one on one talk with your principal and let her know and see how she responds. It does sound like you made up your mind though but I will agree that this will hurt your SIL. Yes, it's not an ideal time and day especially for you but I think it's extreme not to be her bridesmaid.

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

To me you sound self centered in this situation for the fact that you think taking 1 day off will impact the future your career, but taking time off if you go on maternity leave within the near future is not an issue at all. Your SILs wedding should be a priority to you and your husband, and its surprising how you are treating this like its a wedding of an acquaintance. And yes, carers are important... However you may not be at this school forever, but you will be sitting across the table from your inlaws for the next 50 years. I am not a teacher but I am an accountant, and in our profession, January through April is a blackout period where we are not allowed to take off, and we work 6 days a week. But if someone close to me was having an important celebration, I would be there, no questions asked. Life is too short to write off milestones like these.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I should not have posted about ttc- it is a touchy subject and I will not be trying for some time anyway, as I need to wait at least 3-4 months, and then need to do testing and whatnot. May not even get pregnant until the following year, and cannot plan for that, as I have had two losses so far already. My dh is older and would like to start a family- his parents are much older than mine and have no grandchildren and i know he would like for them to be able to experience that- I would of course prefer to wait until I am tenured, but I am not the only decision maker here. Many options have been weighed, and we decided that we would like to continue ttc, as it clearly has not been a "quick process" for us.

For the wedding, we discussed with DH's parents today and they were very good about it, better than I thought. They know how long it took for me to get the job, and they were happy with the plan we set up. I will have a dress in my car, and will go straight to the reception from work at 230. I will get there 1-2 hours before cocktail hour begins, get changed, and will take a bunch of photos with everyone. However, it sounds as though the bride and groom have gotten alot of backlash about the ceremony time at the church being so early (1pm), and may have been convinced to just have the ceremony at the reception hall. If that is the case, I can still work and be a bridesmaid!