Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Someone posted a link to her myspace page and I looked at it.
I am shocked at the pics that this 18 year old girl had posted. And BTW, she only just turned 18, so most of the pics are from when she was 17.
If my mother had half an idea of me doing anything like that (which I never did and I thought I partied pretty good as a teen), I would be grounded or worse.
Now the question...

As a parent, I would check my child's Myspace and whatever else I could to try and find out what they were doing....would you do the same or do you consider that an invasion of privacy?

And would you discipline them or address the issue in some way regarding what they were obviously doing or is it that they are considered "adults" at this point?


Edited because of Beth's response...I don't necessarily mean punish, but would you or wouldn't you do SOMETHING about it?

Message edited 6/23/2008 9:04:36 PM.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I was no angel- but I am also not a fool

punishing your child for using drugs or drinking is not going to solve the problem

I think it's more important to get to the root of the issue and get them help

my DH parents reacted to his bahavior by punishing him- and all they did was push him away and he moved out at 18

that is NOT what I would want


ETA- I don't think being a parent stops when you child is 18- kids are sneaky, I was sneaky- it scares me to think how on top of my kids I am going to have to be!

Message edited 6/23/2008 9:07:11 PM.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I would definitely check their myspace page. I am all for teens having some privacy but the internet is a dangerous place and if you are posting something on there then it isn't private. Also her page was public so anyone could have seen it and it was easily accessible.

Also I think teens are much smarter then we remember us being and they will go out of their way to do what they want no matter how much their parents may ground them or try and be on top of what they are doing.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Just think for a second how "evolved" the internet has become in just the past 5 years. Then add 15 years on top of that (when most people here may have teenagers). The internet in 15 years will probably be 10x worse than it already is now.

Lets just say in my household there will be rules regarding the computer.

There will be time limits where computer usage will be "allowed", especially during school season.

There will be restrictions as to what websites will be allowed (especially during the younger years).

There will be blocked websites and every PC in the household will be locked down to a point. If I don't want them on myspace (or whatever the latest social website happens to be 15 years down the road), they aren't going to be getting on there.

Stuff will also be logged to a point.

Granted this won't stop them from doing what they want from other people's houses. But at least it will stop them from MY household.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

My aunt has two kids, one that is 14 and one that is 12. She limits their internet to 1 hour each (unless they are working on a school project) and only 1 hour of tv a night. Otherwise, they are required to read, participate in school activities/sports, etc. She checks the internet sites they visit when they get off. One kid is in track/field and the other is into baseball like there is no tomorrow, so the parents have to find a balance with their children and modern technology.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I totally got involved in my DD's commings and goings. I wasn't above doing the drop in etc on where they said they would be. I made sure I talked to the other parents if they wanted to stay over somewhere.

My oldest did some things and I was right there to help her. I even at one point only let her have supervised visits with friends and pulled her out of the school she was in and got her home schooling care of the school district. She has a medical condition that warranted it.

It was hard and stressful but as a single, divorced parent I owed it to her to keep
involved. At times I wanted to turn a blind eye but didn't. She is one of the luckier ones and a wonderful person today and thanks me for caring so much.

I have compassion for those who suffer but I won't enable or be in denial. My XH had such a huge problem I learned too much to ignore.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I don't know where I would strike the balance between letting my child do his thing and stepping in. I have to figure that out. I consider myself to be a liberal person but I'd want to know if my 18 year old daughter went by the nickname "Natatits," as is on that myspace page.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

this tragic story honestly truly scared me in so many ways....I was VERY WILD as a teenager, but I didn't have the best home life either. I did not and could not talk to my parents about situations which i believe lead me to act out at times........if myspace was out when I was a teen I am sure my mom would have checked it etc.....except she probably would have been secretive about it.......when I do have children I hope to be open with them and vice versa and checking these types of things I will definitely do......

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I just looked at her myspace page and I am pretty floored right now.

I def. partied when I was younger - but I don't I partied as much in a year - as this girl did on Halloween.

This scares me to no end now that I am a parent. I worry about this already and how I would handle it. The main thing is that I will not turn my head when I think something is wrong - or he is acting off. I feel so many parents are in denial about what their children are doing - and if you don't face it - something tragic can happen.

I can't hear stories like this - I just want to cry for her parents. It's awful! Kids are just too careless.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I couldn't believe her pictures - totally painted a different story for me in terms of what/who she was (as opposed to what I've heard on the news).

I hope to have open communication with my children. Having been there myself, I know that's very hard in the teen years. I'm that type of mom who will keep tight reigns on my children, and if that means knowing thier passwords and Myspace accounts, then so be it. I agree that sometimes parents can just be in denial that it's "not thier child". I hope I always look at both sides and admit to help if its needed for my child.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I really don't know how my parents did it with me. I really don't. They were so open and so honest about sex and drugs and everything else, so I guess it had no appeal to me? I don't really know how they kept me on the straight and narrow while all of my friends were snorting their lives up their noses. My boyfriend when I was 18 died of a heroin overdose. They found his body in a dumpster. I hope that this scares the shitt out of all of her friends and gives them a dose of reality. It's horrible that it happened but I hope her friends see this as a wake-up call.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

not seeing the myspace page I cn only tellyou what Ii do with my 12 and 13 yr old...
my space...let them have one--didn't like it--so...I have the password-so does my sister-setting is on approval needed before comments posted.
No friends they do not know...do not accept anyone u dk. If they disobey---it gets wiped out completely...
They go out--call when u get there---every 2 hours--and then when u r coming home.
bedtime is still at a certain time...bla bla---structure structure structure.

I am by no means perfect but I think they key is for them to think u are 2 steps head at alllllllllllllllllll times.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

i'm not a parent yet, and this might be naive, but i just hope to have a really good, open relationship with them where they feel like they can talk to me about what they're doing and whats going on... so that i don't have to ask them.
i'm not sure how my parnets did it... i think it was the same way. we were just a close family, ate dinner together most nights until the day i left the house to get married... and they just stayed really interested in what we were doing and who our friends were, got to know our friends parents, etc. we weren't allowed to have TVs in our rooms because they didn't want us to be secluded in there and away from the family.
i think you have to do that, especially now with the internet and everything else...

Message edited 6/23/2008 10:42:26 PM.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I think MYspace is nothing but trouble. Young girls dressing slutty for attention, taking dirty pics, etc. Just bad news.

I would ABSOLUTELY check my child's page. I highly doubt a child could be acting like this, dressing like a slutty nurse for Halloween and the parents not have a clue.

I think Myspace is HORRIBLE and just promotes young girls to seek attention with outrageous pics. So yes, I would monitor my child's page.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

See, I don't think MySpace is the problem. If anything, the parents were able to see what was going on and do something about it.
I think the bigger problem is that parents today don't participate in their childrens' lives. They are too busy doing their own thing and let the kids run wild.
I'm not sure that having an open relationship with kids is the answer either. I've seen two parents who had open relationships and were "friends" with their children. One kid got stabbed (thankfully survived), the other's daughter was PG at 17.

I don't really know what the answer is except to be really involved in your kid's life, but as a parent not a friend and to monitor what they are doing and where.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Honestly - if her parents didn't know how much she was drinking, and what she was about, they were stupid. Every picture of her says something about how hammered she was, how high she is, and she made some comments about taking it to her grave...

My stepdaughter is going thru the teen thing now, and her mom has no clue because she is stupid. And blind. Yes, teenagers can hide a lot, but DH and I know she is up to something.... But we don't live with her. If we lived with her, we would know more about whats going on - not everything, but enough. These parents never checked her closet? Saw her hung over? Stinking of something?

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I only hope that I can stay current and up to date with all of the "new" things out there, like myspace, facebook and whatever else pops up...because I will definitely be monitoring my kids. I don't care if it's prying, it's MY kid, it's MY business.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

I think a lot of parents are scared of their kids "hating" them and that is why they turn a blind eye, or don't invade their privacy, or whatever you want to call it. I think this fear, combined with the busy lives people live today contribute to what we saw in this case, and others like it.
I am not a parent, but I hope someday to be and when my kids reach this point in their lives, I will not care if they "hate" me. Almost every teenager hates their parents at some point and then they grow up and get over it. I am going to try my hardest to be involved in my kids' lives, to have dinner as a family, to do things together. There is a difference between having an open relationship and trying to be friends with your kids. You can't be your kid's friend until they are grown up. If you try this when they are teenagers, they will use it to their advantage and step all over you.
This is definitely a very difficult topic and something I am worried about for my hypothetical kids.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

my son has a myspace and the only way he was allowed to was with rules. the major rule was that i had his password so that if i wanted to i can access his account. he was fine with giving it to me and hasn't changed it. he also knows that i will respect his privacy, BUT, if i feel the need to check up on him...................IT IS MY RIGHT. so far so good, he is fine with my rules and i that he continues to be a good kid and not allow outside influences to deter him.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Here's a question:

Even if you know your kid's password- can't he just create another private account that you wouldn't know about?

Message edited 6/24/2008 9:48:06 AM.

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Re: Hypothetical Question Re: Tragic Story

Tragic story but let me tell you something. I will be God Damned if my child is going to act like this. I grew up in fear of my mom, in fear that she would pull me out of a party if she didnt like the kid. (and she has) I knew I would get in trouble and you know what it worked. I got drunk, smoked weed and did other stuff I probably shouldnt BUT I knew where to draw the line. I never DISRESPECTED her and my family.

these "kids today" have no fear in ANYTHING. They curse out their parents, drive drunk, blow lines they DON'T care. They have the "Im entitled" attitude. And then when something tragic happens the world has to stop. Well let me tell you, IF her parents were maybe a bit more involved in their daughters life, checked her myspace page "10 am bacardi rum 151" and MAYBE were a bit more involved this MAY have been prevented. Maybe not.

Things like this pisss me off. Everyone always defends the "poor kid" when the person in question was no saint.

This is JMO: Flame on.