Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I am so sorry that was the discussion on your anniversary I have to agree with many of the pp's, being under so much stress isn't the best frame of mind to be in when discussing the possibility of another child. But at some point when things do calm down a bit, that is a very real conversation that you need to have with much soul searching.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Aw Rach we went through something similar. I got pregnant with Dee on the night of our first anniversary. We had only moved into our house 3 weeks before. The house wasn't where we wanted, we had a high maintance child and even though we had been together 7 years at that point, everything changed. We originally had said that we would try and get pg with #2 when our first was a year old. That didn't happen. He didn't want another, at least not yet and given that I was over 33 I was getting nervous. He came around and now we have our little squishy.

Dh said we are NOT having a 3rd, it's too hard. I told him I will believe him when he gets snipped. Until something permant is done to prevent it, JT can still come around!!

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Depending on the day, DH and I say similar things to one another... Maybe revisit this when you are both calm and had some time to think a bit....

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

So sorry you had this fight on your anniversary. Take a breath and maybe today you are both calm to talk about it. You guys have had so much change in the past few months with the house he probably would have that reaction. Wiat till your settled in and he sees how great things are....he will come around

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I think this is a big conversation to have over the phone. Who knows what kind of mood/situation he was in. I'm not saying he'll change his mind, but if the two of you sit down fresh in the am, over coffee, in person, in a few days, and discuss WHY you feel the ways you do and how you can work together, maybe that would lead to better, mutual understanding. He may not feel emotionally ready, maybe he just wants to focus on the overwhelmingly new responsibility of a house, maybe he's scared about finances, maybe he wants a little time with his wife which is easier to accomplish with only one child. A better talk between the two of you will help immensely.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I always wanted more than one child, but now (my DD is 7 months) if DH brought up having another one, I would tell him NO WAY! However, in a future I can see me changing my mind. Its tough being a parent, especially I think the second time around because you already know what to expect. I know that I want more children, but I am scared of even thinking of having another one. Maybe you DH is the same way?

For me, its not to say that I will stop, I know I won't, but I can't even THINK about it right now.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Of course it has not been horrible raising Ava with you. I'm sure he loves every minute!! I'm sure you already have, but you'll have to talk about this more in person and it'll make things better.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I could have written this myself. I know for my DH, his biggest reluctance in having another child is he doesn't want to struggle financially. He would rather life a nice life the three of us than struggle for four. And I do understand that.

Step back for a moment and look at the situation for a minute:

You just went through a lot to move into your home and it sounds like you struggled a lot to get there. I think he just wants to enjoy life with you and ava for a little. I think when you are more settled, you should revisit the conversation and find out WHY he feels that way.

Message edited 7/4/2008 9:36:10 AM.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

RAchel, I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially on your anniversary. Like the others said, I think its just so much is going on w/ you guys right now & he's probably overwhelmed & stressed....I'd give it time. I think he will come around & what he said was out of frustration.....

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Thanks, ladies You really did help me feel better about the situation. I also talked to my mom about it, and she told me my dad never wanted children, but now they have two. So that made me feel a little better. Anyway, thanks for calming me down. I really appreciate it

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Posted by MrsBumbleb

It seems like you guys have a lot on your plates now, it could have just been said out of frustration. Your DH used to be a nanny right? It takes a special person (especially a man in my opinion) to do that job. I would revisit the conversation at another time when things aren't so crazy in the household.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Sounds like an emotional exchange. I would have been taken aback by the ax to the crib comment too. I know you aren't looking to get PG right away, but the thought of it being out of the equation must have been jarring.

Moving, renovating, and everything you guys have been through in your short marriage can take a toll. If this bothers you enough, you should come back to the conversation while you are both calm and in person.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I am so sorry you are going through this

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I wouldn't jump on the deep end just yet and start evaluating your marriage. I can tell you, deep down inside although I know I want another child, there are certainly days, weeks and even months where I have doubts. Dh and I flip flop about this every week. And keep in mind, as well, your Dh might just be in a bad place mentally right now - with everything going on you're all probably under a lot of stress and the last thing he can think about is going through the newborn stage again. But I'm sure that feeling won't last permanently.

I would try to sit down, face to face, tonight, to discuss it further. No accusations, no defensiveness, no anger, no insults - just talk for real and get to the heart of the matter, and try to pull from him why exactly it is he can't see having another child.

I think it's actually a GOOD thing that's he being honest with you about his feelings and how possibly overwhelmed he is right now, and even better that he certainly IS open to the possibility of another child. Just not at this very moment

Re: I am so sad and confused.

relax and breathe.
this "sort of" happened to me.
I think usually this type of lashing out is a symptom of something else that is bothering them. This is something that he can control- he knows you want more kids, so he is lashing out at it.
My DH told me he didn't want any kids when we first got married ( a complete about face) and it turned out that wasn't the case (obviously).. he was just feeling like he had no control or imput in the relationship and that he was going down a road he didn't choose to go down.
We went to counseling- which actually turned into private counseling for him for a while to work out his issues- many of which had to do with his inadequate upbringing and crazy parents.
I think maybe there are other issues/feelings going on that have nothing to do with having more children... I know what he said is hurtful, and as women, we want to resolve it right away... but just try and let it go for now and re-approach it when everyone has a clearer head.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Re: I am so sad and confused.

I don't have any advice, just hugs

Re: I am so sad and confused.

No advice Rachel.. just lots of hugs and support coming your way. I know you guys will work this out

Re: I am so sad and confused.

Everything has set us back from having a child 1 yr apart, 2 yrs apart or 3 yrs apart. Childcare expenses $$$$, morning sickness from the get-go, enjoyment of just 1 right now etc...
Prior to being married...I had it all planned out. Once DD was here alternate plans occured.