Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

Posted by suvenR

I'm glad it's working out, Jess!

To be nosey, what was their problem with your DH?

He seemed pretty nice to me (for all 5 minutes that I spoke to him )

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

I'm sorry you're going through this. You were so hopeful that he came around.

I agree with the others that you need to stick to your guns on this one.

I think you should go & include Kevin.
You need to throw this back at him that it's his decision, not yours. You are not choosing between your husband & your dad and the kids. If your dad chooses to hold grudges against your husband (and I would repeatedly use the word husband), than he chooses not to spend the holidays with you.

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Jess, Im sorry you are going through!
Well what your father doesnt understand is that your DH IS a part of you and now YOUR family too. I feel really bad for your DH. You know I would just bring him- you are not choosing your DAD is. Let the family see what a dummy he is being about the whole thing. Maybe he is also challenging you to see just how serious you are about DH. Dont let your Dad ruin your christmas and make you choose- you choose to go to christmas with the family, he chooses not too, and what is he going to do with the kids? keep them from going and spending christmas with the family? Im sure the other family members want to see the kids too. Stick to your guns, Jess, this really will make the difference for future family functions. Its the ice breaker, whether it turns out good or bad, it has to be done. Good Luck and I pray it works out for you. When your dad calls again, stick to your guns or you can not take his calls and just see what happens on christmas. As for your mom, try to keep her neutral, you dont want your dad to blame her and make her choose between you either.
Love comes in many different ages, colors, youre dad just needs to see you mean business and that you are all grown up and making your own choices and not scared to stand up for yourself!

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thanks for your great advice everyone. perhaps i will sit down and write him an email.

of course he is trying to make it like its MY choice becuase he said " call me when you decide waht youre going to do"

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

omg, i feel 110% the same exact way! you worded everything beautifully. i never thought of the showing the kids not to respect life choices though... youre very right.

if i DO end up writing an email it will just be my reasons fwhy i will not back down and let him get his stubborn ways. it wont be nasty, but just try to get my ppint across that he NEEDS to get over this and be respectful.

its justa tough situation. i never know where it will go next.

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Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

I think you should call your dad and tell him that he's welcome to handle it however he likes, but you will be there with your husband. Tell him that you think it's very selfish of him to keep you from your siblings and to keep them from their family at the holidays. And you should definitley tell your mom about the ultimatum he gave you. I'm sure your mom is doing the best to keep the peace, but honestly, I think it's about time she took a stand too.

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I think you should go with DH and just let your dad know and you shouldnt have to explain yourself to him. He needs to respect you and your new family and by him giving you an ultimatium he isnt doing that. He doesnt have to like DH but I think he is disrespecting you by not even being in the same room with him. He also may have a hard time adjusting to the fact that your married. My dad had a hard time with this but didnt express his feelings towards me but he got over it and now he has a hard time accepting I am pregnant. I think it is hard for dads to see their first daughter start a new life with someone else. I hope didn't ramble on to much and I hope everything works out with you. What does your DH think if you dont mind me asking?

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my DH is hurt by it. it shows so obviously in his face. its a mixture for him of anger, guilt, and just plain saddness


i will wrote my dad an email tomorrow i think...
i will not be nasty because that will just make him be more spiteful, but i iwll let you know how it goes.

i TRULY apprecaite all of your advice.... thank you all so very much

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Jess,

I am so sorry you are going through this with your father maybe there will be a christmas Miracle and he will come around and give your Dh a chance. I would tell your Dad you want him to come and your siblings to come too and that You are Bringing Dh and its time to let the past be the Past and give your Dh a chance he might actually like him if he gave him a chance. tell him I am adult and I am married now and all i want is the respect of a being a married woman and I want you there because i love you. I hope things work out Jess you are so sweet i am sorry you are going through this.

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Jess.....stay strong in your convictions. I think you are 100% right in standing your ground. It is time for your dad to face reality.

Best of luck and i hope things work out

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

How much older is DH ???????

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Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom

I would just go and not say kevin is going. What can he do then. Your dad will be there already. If he leaves people will realize how childish he is being.

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i know, but he would actually start a fight with kevin.

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ok, i wrote a letter.
i tried to convey my feelings, without being nasty.

its REALLY hard for me to not be nasty, but i tried, i know there will be alot of tweaking, can you please read what i have thus far and give me your honest opinions?

you guys have given such wonderful advice with this whole situation.

__________________________________
dad,

after getting off the phone with you you have no idea how much hurt i was feeling. and still am.
now dont get me wrong, i am aware of your feelings about kevin, but there needs to be a change very soon. i cant go on living two seperate lives like this.
we fell in love 5 years ago..... then i finally moved in with him and got enged 3 years ago. on march 1st it will be one year that we have been married.
i feel like we have had AT LEAST three years to resolve this, and it just seems to me that you are teh only one who chooses not to.
everyone else can be happy for me and actually WANT to include him in holidays and events and stuff except for you.
i feel like i constantly have to choose you over him and i dont know how much longer i can take it.
i love my fmaily very much but he is part of my family too now and that needs to be acknowleged.
i know you are not going to be thrilled at the fact that we are married, but i just wish you would respect it.
i know you are stubborn, but this has gone way beyond stubborness. saying that i cant see my own flesh and blood, my own siblings on christmas is the most selfish and disrespectful thing i have ever been told in my entire life. this is what upsets me the most. not the fact that you dont agree, or that you say you'll fight him, but saying you will keep the kids away. that is so hurtful and wrong in my opinion.
you act as if this man, who has taken very good care of me, who has given me everythign i could want or need, is some sort of a monster that you need to protect the children from. i think it is so ridiculous.
yes, there is an age difference, we cant help that. he is no pedophile as you claim he is. if you honeslty think he is going to go after one of them you have severe issues. and i dont mean to be rude, but hearing that you think of him as a pedophile makes me sick.
this is memeres LAST christmas. everyone wants kevin there but you and it is her household. depriving the kids of seeing memere on her last christmas would be the most heartless thing i think you could probably ever do in the world. and i am including myself with them because saying you dont want kevin there is the same as saying you dont want me there.
like i said, you are the only one who doesnt want him there and i am sorry you still can not accept the fact that from now on he will be with me.
i know you say its my decision, but its really not. its your decision. you can choose to let me see my whole family for christmas, or not.
perhaps we can even just work out different times so that you and him dont have to be there together.
the saddest thing to me is that if you would just get over the past, meet him you would proabbly actually get along pretty well. but this may never happen because you never give yourslef that chance to actually meet him. you have such strong opinions on someone youve never met.
i am not saying by any means that i dont understnad where you are coming from. I very much DO.
but the way i see it is that the past is i nthe past, we are still together, he is wonderful to me, and i would think that time would proove you that i have a good head on my shoulders and actually do make teh right choices in life. i know you still see me as a little girl, but im an adult.
i have lived my life for the past three years around satisfying you. i dont bring him to events, i dont show you pictures, i never ever mention anythign about us or him to you just to respect your feelings.
i am sorry that you still feel the same way as you did 3 years ago. i really hope that you can somehow learn to get over it and just let us all enjoy life----together.... as a family.

Message edited 12/19/2005 2:09:56 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

I think it's very good. Don't need to add anything or take anything away. Good luck!

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

*memere=grandma

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

Jess I actually think its really GOOD send it as is!

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

thanks guys!

are you sure i dont come off as being very nasty?

its hard not to

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

Great letter/email.

I would consider taking the wedding part out. Also when you say you're an adult now, the first thing that would come to my mind if I were a stubborn father who thought his little girl was taken advantage of, was that you weren't an adult then. Maybe just write "I'm married. I know you want to think of me as a little girl, but I'm an adult."

Excellent job! GOOD LUCK!
eta.

Also maybe add in the part that someone mentioned about you can't imagine his parents agreed with everything he said/did, but they needed to respect that he was an adult.

Message edited 12/19/2005 2:04:47 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

ok, i was thinking about remoinv the wedding part--- it takes away fomr the immediate problem, xmas...

youre right, i htought that too (how it implies i wasnt an adult)

good thinking

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

Great job Jess!!!

Best of Luck!!!!!