Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

for those of you who think i hsouldnt ignore him and all that on christmas eve--- i understnad where you are coming from completely. it may seem like im being a stubborn little brat, but its not really the case.

its very hard to understnad unless you actually KNEW him.
with everything that has gone on in the past few days when i told my mom if he is there i want nothing to do with him and she said she comletely understands.

i wrote back to him another emil, but never posted it here in as of not to bore you all.

one thing that bothers me is that although he has helped raise me, he is not my father. he is my stepdad. YES i condsider him my dad, but i have never really loved him to be quite honest. yes i love him--- but only to an extent.
i know it sounds bad, but he truly has ruined my life. i had no childhood thanks to this man. he is manipulative, strict, stubborn, abusive, and just a jerk to be quite frank.
ive never grown up resenting anyone as mcuh as i do him ever in my life.

i dont know what my mother sees in him but what can i do? i accept it. i repsect it.

my moms fmaily hated him too, but they got over it.. he goes to holidays and events!

YES 17 and 28 is a BIG age difference BUT-----
when i got "caught" and in trouble me and kevin broke it off----- UNITL i moved out of the house (i moved out when i was 18).
Then i lived on my own and then eventually moved in with him.

I am going to be 22 in a February. I am an adult. It wasnt some rebelious thing to do to act out upon. It wasnt just puppy love.

And he needs to realize that. Holding things against me and living in hte past is not going to help this situation progress.

as for DH approaching him--------- to be honest, i dont want him to. i dont feel he needs to. he is in love with me, not using me, what does he have to explain?
my dad is a jerk and in my opinion isnt owed anything.
not to mention, after my dad found out about me and dh originally he did some really bad stuff to me and dh hates him for it.

BUT, dh is totally willing to work with him and have a semi-normal relationship. my dad on hte other hand----is not.

Message edited 12/21/2005 3:13:48 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

I hope you don't mind me asking a question. How did you meet your DH? I saw on the other board that you met him in the 9th grade- but he's 11 years older than you?

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

lol, no my mom and dad met in 9th grade.

me and dh met at work.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

oh gosh!!!!! lol no, no... we met at Borders.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! update at bottom/ letter on page 2

Message edited 12/21/2005 3:31:30 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

let me post my last email to him that no one saw... this MAY (or may not) give alittle more insight where i am coming from.

then, shelley... i will repsond to our post.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

ok, my last email to him:

_______________________________-


i can see you dont get where i am coming from at all. its all about you and the way you think.
i certainly hope you are not calling kevin a molester cuase that would be the funniest thing i have ever heard in my life.

the thing that bothers me so much about that comment is how innapproriate you were to me as a child, yet you can just go off and say my husband molests me.
as far as you claiming you dont want the girls aroudn him because of these reasons---they are just an excuse and we all know it.
i made the decision to follow my heart, not to say screw my family. it makes me so upset that you would prefer me to be miserable just for your satisfaction.
youre right im not going to school.... want to know why? i dont want to! college is NOT for everyone. and i am happy with that decision. my job is not a dead end job. i am a manager at bar/restaurant for gods sake! i make more money than most college graduates! but you probably didnt even realize that after being a waitress for about 2 weeks i was immediatly moved up to a manager. no room for advancement? youre very wrong there. i actually amtraining for bartender in january, so there you go, anotehr advancement! i dont want a car because i have absolutely no use for one!!!! my job is down the street, i walk there.. and im certainly not going to be driving in manhattan with it either. i live right by hte subways,. NO ONE lives i nthe city and has a car. its ridiculous. a car would only be beneficial to visit long island. but im not going to pay $150 a month in insurance just to take the trip out there. its common sense.
who are you to say i am not living in reality? i work har,d i pay rent and bils, i tkae care of 4 animals as if they were my human children, i ahve alot of responsibilites. i dont go out and party like a jerk like most people my age. so you saying im not living in reality couldnt be further from the truth!
i never said i cant see why you arew upset about this whole situation, i said i do.. but tehre is a time to get over it. when is the next step going to be made?
stop satying its MYdecision. it was NOT . YOU called me and said "well, if you go through with taking your husband to christmas, im not gonna be ther and neither are the kids". so that iIS YOUR decision. giving me an altimatum is really going to help our relationship? i said he is coming with me... so obviously i had already made a decision to bring him---it OS our first christmas as a married couple btw-- and then you wanted me to go BACK on my decision by using the kids to get your way.

saying you will rip the rgans out of his body if you see him show how immature you are. you need to get over it and realzie he is my husband whether you liek it or not and you have to learn how to deal with it. that says to me basically that you will never try to make this whole thing work.

please dont think i am going to mkae you feel bad about you not haivng a father/daughter dance. i had this whole part in my original emai lto you i took out about how you basically ruined the best dsay of my life. instead of having a big nice wedding with all my family i was deprived because my own father was too stubborn to go and wouldnt allow my own sisters and brother to be part of it and made MY OWN MOTHER feel guilty for going to her daughters wedding. i will never forgive or forget that. i wanted a beautiful wedding with all my family and friends there but alas that was not posssible because of you.

how have you bee deprived of the right to put me through college?!?! yuve never offered even once!
you have been deprived to see me on holidays? well guess what, stop being stubborn, stop giving me altimatums and you CAN see me on holidays. you justcant accept the fact that husbands come along for holidays.....even though i HAVE come without thim the past few years. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE MADE YOU CHOOSE BETWEEN YOUR FAMILY AND MOMMY????????
no, i never rushed to marry him dad, i was enged for almost THREE years!
as for me emailing you rather than calling you why do you thin i did so? becuase talking to you, i can never get a word in.

like i siad YOU are teh only one who doesnt want him there. holding the kids as like a randsom is ridiculous. its selfish and wrong. but liek i said you are making this decision, not me.
if you dont let me see them then i will be majorly upset and i dont even know.

tell me this................ if i were to come alone right......... WHEN are you planning on working this out? when? iwant a gaurentee that this will NOT be an issue next year.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

okey dokey....

shelley, in respnose tyo your post....

its not that i dont want tehm to get along. i do.
they dont have to be best buds.... but i want them to be able to be in the same room as one another. they need to be able to be civil with one another.

dh isnt the type of perosn who would be a jerk--even if he didnt like someone...

while my dad.... now he is stubborn and doesnt budge. he would be a total d!ckhead to dh. (well obviosuly, i mena he DID say he wants to rip theorgnas out of his body)

i hvae made SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many attempts to bring a resolution to this whole thing, you have no idea!!!!!! (honestly since july 7th 2002 all i have tried to do was bring everytone together)

it just isnt an option with my dad. and i dont know how to get past that. i will not accept that as an option. it just cant be!
its so stressful, and draining and i dont know how much longer i can do this. honestly.

my dad and i didnt even TALK for awhile because he was so mad he couldnt control my life anymore.

i know it sounds like im just using that as an excuse, but its true, my dad is one of the most controlling people you will ever meet in your life.
if something doesnt go his way, hes done with it/you.

Message edited 12/21/2005 3:39:48 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

I have to say, I find that you are dealing with this very well. I think you are doing what is best for you and your husband, and unfortunately, there is no way to make your father see the situation any differently. I only hope for your sake that he someday can get over his issues.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

thank you rachel

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Message edited 12/21/2005 3:49:55 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Honestly- I have to say something. And maybe this is because i'm almost 10 years older than you and my whole career is based on words. I want you to know that I am not trying to be mean. I really want to help. I can tell that you are hurt and frustrated and angry by the situation. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in your situation and I feel for you.

Many of your points are valid. Some people just don't want to go to college- and you and DH are supporting yourselves. But your email sounds like you a screaming kid, while his e-mail sounds much calmer and more mature. I would think about that the next time you e-mail him. If I were him in the mentality you say he is, I would look at the tone of the e-mail and the spelling mistakes and the typos and maybe not the substance of what you are writing. And frankly- I think your substance is pretty good.


Yes, he was totally wrong to write something about beating up your DH- and yes- it sounds like he has handled the whole situation wrong with your DH. But you are where you are. The question is where do you go from here.

If you see your dad on Christmas, I still wouldn't ignore him. It doesn't help anything. I would say to him, "Dad, I want you to know I love you and I miss you. I am very happy in my life. (if applicable: You always told me to follow my heart and you raised me with good judgment). I made a choice to be with a man who loves me and cares for me. What can I do have you accept this relationship? Where can we go from here.

If he says nowhere- than you can say- Dad, I tried. I welcomed you into my life, and tried to resolve this situation, but you chose to shut that door. If you change your mind, the door is open. I'm sorry it has come to that.

You can be cold to him, but to ignore him is just immature and frankly- it will feed into his argument that you are too immature to get married.

If I were you, I would try to be as mature as possible and show him that you are an adult who makes good choices and who can handle herself with grace and dignity, even in the most awkward and uncomfortable situations.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

youre right i know my email definatly came off alot different the second time around.
i was so angry when i wrote it and i typed so fast so i could get all the thoughts running through my head out ----and yeah, i TOTALLY had millions of typos

the way he writes though, i cant think of the exact word for it but its kind of like he writes in a condescending way. hard to explain. he twists alot alot alot of things around.


as far as ignoring him on christmas; well, i say i will ignore him because i am so mad, but like always -even when im mad as hell at him i always hold myself in a mature manner.
i always kiss him hello and goodbye.

but i definatly wont be having long conversations with him.... ya know what i mean?
i will be respectful, but im not going to act like evertyhing is ok.... and i am sure he wont as well.

we will be civil in other words.


its just he is someone that has caused so much hurt and pain in my life and continues to i am giving up hope faster these days.

Message edited 12/21/2005 3:59:24 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Being civil is fine- that's being mature. No one can expect you to pretend that everything is OK after what happened.

The best thing that you can do is show him that you are mature and that you are on the road to success. Once he sees that, it takes the wind out of his arguments.

And you know what- when I was 21 my dad was sometimes condesending to me- you know why- He was in his 50's and i was 21!!!
That happens. Sometimes he was right- and sometimes he was wrong. But I was lucky- my dad was able to acknowledge to me when he was wrong and I was right. You are still on the teeter of being a teenager and an adult and there is a lot of maturing that will happen in the next few years for you- even if you are the most mature 21 year old out there. Its just a part of life and growing up.

I wish you the best of luck. Handle your dad with maturity and you may start to see a change. At least I hope so.

ETA: and maturing continues your entire life. I am 30 and about to have a baby- I know I will be changing, growing up and maturing a lot in the next 5 years. That's the beauty of life. We are constantly growing.

Message edited 12/21/2005 4:05:38 PM.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

thank you.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

you're welcome.

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Excellent advice, Shelley. I agree 10000%


Good luck, Jess

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all

Posted by Bebalina

Posted by Shellyesq

you're welcome.

shelley...u gave her fantastic advice! you've got a great head on your shoulder and will be an excellent mommy!!

Re: MAJOR PROGRESS!!!! updated: not really any progress at all