Mother in law question/issue

Thank everyone

Message edited 3/25/2009 11:34:36 AM.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

i wish i could help... my MIL is the same way, but fortunately she is really good with DS and he loves her - cries more for my own mother than my MIL!

i don't think you are crazy for feeling this way, but i think she does need to "practice" more with your DD. if she doesn't feel comfortable holding Sadie, she is going to notice and fuss more.

sorry i don't have better advice

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Definitely sounds normal; I've had that tightening in my chest when certain friends have asked to hold DS so I can only imagine what it would be like passing him off for a whole day.
Since you have a few weeks before you go back to work can you have a few "practice" half-days where MIL watches her, but you're there helping/coaching with feeding/changing/calming issues??? It might put your mind at ease if nothing else....

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I'm sure this is the last thing you want to do but maybe you need to spend more time with her (MIL) before you go back to work. This way you can "train" her and get a comfort level so you're not having a heart attack when you go back to work. I'm in the middle of my 3rd week back to work and I can tell you it's horrible no matter what. So you need to do something to get yourself in a better place.

Could you ask her to come over and help you a few hours a day a few days a week. Not sure when you're going back to work but I would hope you could get some sense of relief after a few weeks.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I think it is normal. I feel like this over everybody, even my friend (neighbor) who is a mother to 6 and grandmother to 10. When we go shopping, I get a panick attack if she walks down the next isle with him. As long as you know she loves him and would never hurt him, just TRY and trust. Each day will become easier.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

ugh you guys are right. I totally need to spend more time with her....

I want to puke

I am actually looking forward to going back to work, and I wish I didnt feel this way about MIL

Re: Mother in law question/issue

HOnestly, I don't think you are giving your MIL enough credit. She will learn more about your dc as she spends more time with her. It takes time for any new sitter to understand a baby's needs. I can assure you that at a center needs are not met immediately, and it is less likely for eveyone in the center to truly know your child. JMHO.

On the other hand if you don't like how she is treating your child or if it will ruin your relationship, maybe it is not the best thing.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Message edited 3/24/2009 9:00:28 PM.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Re: Mother in law question/issue

You KNOW it will all work out, and your MIL will do FINE.

I think that hte girls are right that maybe you spend more time with her and that will help, as probably EVERYONE has said to you "she raised your DH" and he turned out ok

That being said, maybe you do have a little bit of anxiety about going back to work and this is how it is manifesting itself?

Re: Mother in law question/issue

A daycare's job is to care for your child. They are trained.
If you are not comfortable you will have a panic attack everyday at work. You need to have your MIL around A LOT and watch her interact and care for your child. Run out to the store. Go pick up the dry cleaning. IF you still feel she should not care for child full time then you should look into another care situation.
You cannot work if you are worried the whole time.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Every woman trusts their mom more. I feel the same way.
Then you have to think to yourself, well, she did raise her son and nothing happened to him....

I totally understand where you're coming from though.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Re: Mother in law question/issue

* Another idea... can you draft your mom to let MIL certain *tips* i.e. what to do/what not to do??? Like set it up for them to talk every couple of days when you first go back to work so they're "sharing" information???

When it comes down to it you know your baby best and your knowledge and requirements are essential to everyone's peace of mind, so do whatever you have to do to get that information across to MIL!!!

I'm sure in a week or two things will be much smoother!!!

Re: Mother in law question/issue

ok just 2.5 months ago, I felt just like you. my inlaws were going to watch DS while I work FT> I was dreading it, they didn't know my baby, they couldn't get him to stop crying, he wouldn't take a bottle from them, they didn't know how to hold him. basically in my eyes they did everything wrong. over the course of the first month, they totally got to know him! he has them wrapped around his little finger, he loves going there, smiles at them like crazy! DS is so comfortable with my FIL he falls asleep on him right away, and no more crying spells. they know him better than I do at this point!

I would just take DD there just to get her comfortable a few days before you go back to work


ETA I don't call my inlaws all day bc if I wake him up with the phone they get mad LOL but I'm at the point that I don't worry about him all day long.

oh and don't even THINK about day care center if you have your MIL, the way my baby is treated by my Inlaws, he is the king! He would not be the King at a daycare center. Just think your MIL will treat her like the little princess that she is and don't second guess your decision

Message edited 3/24/2009 10:51:49 PM.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I totally know what you mean... I have similar anxiety with my MIL, and it's completely irrational on my part. What I've done to face this fear of mine is to leave dd with her here and there so I get used to the idea of her watching the baby. I have plenty of time - going back to work in September - but I need to do this to get used to mil watching the baby.

I think it's totally normal to feel the way you're feeling right now.

Good luck . It will be okay.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I love my MIL ~ she is an awesome woman ~ but like you I would get nausous when MIL was over & when I had DS she just looked so awkward holding him (then again she has not had a baby in over 30+ years) and my MIL is very forgetful ~ I was forced to have MIL watch my DS when I was hospitalized three weeks after I gave birth... it was soooo tough and I freaked out but the one thing that kept me going was she did a great job with my hubby & she did a great job taking care of DS while I was in the hospital ~ She loves him to death and now she is my #1 babysitter ~ she handles him great (hang in there it gets better)

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Message edited 3/25/2009 8:08:10 AM.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I feel the SAME way. I go into PANIC when the thought comes up with leaving DD with my MIL... but she has health issues and can be clumsy so I think mine is more worrying about that.

Last time I left DD with her for 2 hours and DD cried for 1 hr. 45 min (MIL kept track of how long

Needless to say, it has been almost 3 months and I have not left her with her.

I don't think I ever will again...but I digress.

My parents watch DD 2 days a week. They totally don't follow my recommendations, the babysitter that watchers her 3 days takes copious notes and gets her to nap. My parents told me "your daughter doesn't like to nap, she is just not that type of baby"

But, I have NO choice. I have to work f/t and can't afford the babysitter 5 days. So I just suck it up those 2 days. She is fine, she survives. I think it is me that has the hardest part.

What you are feeling is totally normal!!!!

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I went through the SAME exact thing!
Except my MIL watches DS full time. My mother can't, due to a disability.

Make a list! Have her keep a journal and treat her like you would treat a teacher at a center. Be very detailed with what you want for your daughter. Don't hold back with what you want done, because you are afraid to insult her. If you don't want to do that, then have your DH do it.
She needs to understand this is YOUR child and these are the things you want for her.

I had to do all of this with my MIL. At times she annoys me, but she follows my wishes and DS absolutely adores her. I mean, who will love your child as much as you can other than a grandparent?
I've realized how lucky I am and she knows she's very fortunate that she gets to spend every day with her grandson.

I'm sure she'll (your MIL) understand. And who cares if she thinks you are a crazy new mom. I'd rather that, then not going with my wishes for my child.

Message edited 3/25/2009 9:20:34 AM.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

OMG, I could have written this post 4 months ago word for word! My MIL watches DS 4 days a week and my sister/mom watches DS 1 day a week on Friday. While I love my MIL, I just felt like no one would take care of him the way my mom or I do.

It gets easier. It might just be a learning curve for her to get back in the swing of things. I get phone calls every now and then asking what I think he needs based on his cry, usually I can tell. I just left my MIL this morning with DS, and I know he is being cared for so well bc he put his head on her shoulder and put his hand on her face. He looked totally fine. It made me think to myself, ok, he's ok.

I now know that what you are feeling is just the anticipation of leaving your DD. You want to be there for her, and you do know what is best for her. It will be ok, but I truly know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

eta: I made a very long list of 'what to do if' . It helped her, and made me feel more comfortable that she had something written down if she needed it. She did use it a couple of times, but now she pretty much has it down.

Message edited 3/25/2009 9:17:51 AM.

Re: Mother in law question/issue

Re: Mother in law question/issue

I totally understand how you feel! I have been back at work since Sept and my MIL watches my son 2 days/week. My mother also watches my son, however, she calls if there is a problem, and I tell her how I would like things done.

With MIL, it was really difficult in the beginning. She is great, but tenses up, and my son can sense that which then gets him upset. I was getting very frustrated because she would never let me know what was going on. After a few weeks of being completely stressed every day that she was there, I finally spoke with her. I leave before she gets there so I started leaving notes with details of what he should eat, approximate times, when he normally naps, etc. Sometimes it backfires (like she will wait until exactly what time my note says to feed him - not a good idea when he is hungry!) I also asked her to call me during the day and let me know how things are going. I think it made it a bit better because I didnt always catch her at a bad time, and she knew it was ok to call. It has taken a bit of time, but now things are ok.

When I get worked up now, I try to remind myself that she loves him and tries to do everything possible to keep him happy - even if it is not exactly what I would do!