My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

.......and I'm a little concerned.

Now, my brother is 24, an immature 24. Can't clean up after himself, still parties hard, pretty irresponsible other than work.

He is dating a divorced 36 year old with 2 kids. Now, 36 is by no means "old" in my book, but when it comes to my brother, she is most likely light years ahead of him. And the divorce aspect I don't have a problem with. It's just that they are both at two totally different points in their lives.

I think, this originally started as something fun for him and for her too. She is recently divorced and I am sure just looking to have a good time, or at least in the beginning. My brother, I think, thought it was cool that he landed an "older" chick.

Now I think they may be getting more serious than was originally planned. And I worry that what they both want out of life may be different. It's too early to discuss things like having more children and marriage. But I worry that she may not want more kids. What does that mean for him?

I feel like this will just cause him heartache in the end. But I guess only time will tell. I know he is so far from wanting his own kids, but I know he wants them.

I'm just worried that both parties will be hurt, especially my brother. I'm not going to push her away (I haven't even met her yet). And I don't want to jump the gun...this may just be a summer fling.

Ok...sorry. Just had to get that out.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Did you post about this recently on the Relationships Board?

I'm sorry, but I really don't think it's any of your business who your brother dates. She doesn't seem to be a bad person, and you've never even met her. So I'd say to reserve judgement until you meet her!

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I am not exactly sure what is upsetting about their relationship. I think it's great a fling turned into a relationship they both seem to enjoy.

Maybe their age difference balances out other extremes that may be perceived by other people...who really knows what goes on between two other people? The rest of it...the future, kids, etc is between them.

ETA...there is always the potential to get hurt when ever anyone opens themselves up to new relationships whether there is a 12 year difference or 12 minute. I do understand you don't want your brother to get hurt - no one wants to see a loved one go through something painful but I wouldn't worry or anticipate it happening at this point.

Message edited 7/24/2009 10:10:29 AM.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I would feel the same way you do at first. My brother is 23 and I cannot imagine him dating someone almost as old as me. I would not be too thrilled about it.

BUT if SHE does not know any better then what is she doing? I mean, if I had 2 kids, I cannot imagine to seriously think a 24 yo young man is going to provide for me. Yes, many men at 24 have children. But in your case you know your brother is not mature enough. She will find out soon enough. I would only talk to him about the involvement of the kids and how it's not a stable relationship especially if he is not serious. And that he should be "responsible".

Yet, in the end, you cannot control him or her. It's THEIR business. Your brother is 24 and "immature" but he is not a kid. And they may very well get along very welll and stay together. You will have to be able to accept that too.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I completely agree with everyone else. It is by no means your business. I can't understand why you're even upset? I really don't think it's your place to judge. Maybe this relationship will mature him and help settle him down.

I find it very presumptuous for you to be upset when you have never met her and clearly there's no "signs" that this is a dangerous or unhealthy relationship.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

At 24, he can think for himself. If they are happy it really doesn't matter what you or anyone else thinks. At 24, he should know what is best for him. JMO.

I would stay out of it.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I haven't posted about this before.

They may be great for each other. And they most likely are happy. He hasn't met her children yet, which I think is responsible at this stage of the game. I am not judging. I am worried for him.

I have not told him to stop seeing her. And I know there is nothing I can do, so I don't try.

I don't think she is looking for anyone to provide for her. She has her own success and money.

Actually everything about her seems great. She's beautiful, has a great career, takes great care of her kids as far as I can tell.

I just worry is all.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

i understand your, "big sis" concern but honestly he needs to make his own decisions. whether the decision is a mistake or not, it is one that he must choose and deal with. even though you may be disturbed by their relationship you need to be supportive and understanding and not judgmental.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

i would absolutely be worrying about it too if i were in your shoes, rationally or not, my business or not. but not having a stake in the game, it's easier for all of us to say wait and see, or stay out of it. but as older sisters, it's just what we are programmed to do--worry about the younger siblings.
but yes, do try to wait until you meet her to form a solid opinion on the relationship and then you can decide what you wish.


i know it's not easy. i've gone through similar periods of worry with both my younger sister and brother's dating choices. in the end it's theirs to make, just as my choices were mine. but it doesn't stop the instinct to protect them.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Posted by Cpt2007

i would absolutely be worrying about it too if i were in your shoes, rationally or not, my business or not. but not having a stake in the game, it's easier for all of us to say wait and see, or stay out of it. but as older sisters, it's just what we are programmed to do--worry about the younger siblings.
but yes, do try to wait until you meet her to form a solid opinion on the relationship and then you can decide what you wish.


i know it's not easy. i've gone through similar periods of worry with both my younger sister and brother's dating choices. in the end it's theirs to make, just as my choices were mine. but it doesn't stop the instinct to protect them.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Its his problem and not yours, unless he comes to you seeking advice on the issue...i'd say let him be and see what comes of it.

We all have to learn and grow on our own, and even if he has to go thru this, and be hurt, that is a lesson that must be learned and only he can learn it. Or it might end up working out for them, and they could wind up happily ever after.

Only time will tell.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

You are making a lot of assumptions based on age. They may be a match made in heaven--you never know.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

i can understand your concern, my brother was 19, she was 29 with 3 kids. they met, they married by the time he was 22 and she was 32. my brother raised all three of her kids and then they had one of their own. my brother is now 45, she's 55 and they are still happily married. we can't choose who we fall in love with and who we are destined to married. my family wasn't happy either, but in the long run, it was the right decision for both of them and we love my SIL and her kids. they were even in my bridal party!!!!!!

good luck.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I didn't read everyone esle's responses, I just wanted to share my story with you.

When Kevin and I met I was 23 and he had just turned 40. He was divorced and had a 7 y/o DD, I was never married, had no children, and was working on finishing my Master's degree. Now granted I was a rather mature twentysomething but my point is that I don't think it's "too early to discuss" things like marriage and children. Kevin and I were obviously at different points in our lives; but what mattered more was that we both wanted the same things going forward. Kevin then, and your brother's GF now, were given the opportunity for a 2nd chance. You don't know that this woman doesn't want anymore children; just like Kevin wasn't done either. Within the first few weeks of our relationship we had a very serious conversation to make sure that we were both on the same page and that we had the same wants/desires out of life.

I know it's natural to worry about our loved ones so I'm not going to tell you not to; but don't count this relationship out before it gives you a reason to.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I posted this on the other thread about this. I am 41 and have a child. I can't imagine dating someone 12 years younger than me, but that's me. Your brother might be immature, but so might she. Maturity doesn't always come with age. They are both adults and free to do what they want.

I think if you want to maintain a relationship with your brother, you have to be careful about what you say to him about this. If you really feel the need to speak your piece, say it once and then let it go.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Message edited 7/24/2009 11:43:38 AM.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin

I didn't read everyone esle's responses, I just wanted to share my story with you.

When Kevin and I met I was 23 and he had just turned 40. He was divorced and had a 7 y/o DD, I was never married, had no children, and was working on finishing my Master's degree. Now granted I was a rather mature twentysomething but my point is that I don't think it's "too early to discuss" things like marriage and children. Kevin and I were obviously at different points in our lives; but what mattered more was that we both wanted the same things going forward. Kevin then, and your brother's GF now, were given the opportunity for a 2nd chance. You don't know that this woman doesn't want anymore children; just like Kevin wasn't done either. Within the first few weeks of our relationship we had a very serious conversation to make sure that we were both on the same page and that we had the same wants/desires out of life.

I know it's natural to worry about our loved ones so I'm not going to tell you not to; but don't count this relationship out before it gives you a reason to.

Message edited 7/24/2009 11:46:14 AM.

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

I want to say it's not really your business and he is a grown man and can make his own decisions....... BUT , I have a brother who is 21 and I would totally feel the same way if he started dating an "older" recently divorced woman with 2 kids. No specific reason behind it, I just know I would be worried and concerned about him and his relationship. (Oh and it would kill my mother)
IMO there is really not much you can do , just watch and see what happens. I wouldn't interfere , you never know , if things go well and they end up HAPPILY married that would make things awkward between you and your brother (and his wife)

Re: My brother is dating an older woman......LONG

Posted by Cpt2007

i would absolutely be worrying about it too if i were in your shoes, rationally or not, my business or not. but not having a stake in the game, it's easier for all of us to say wait and see, or stay out of it. but as older sisters, it's just what we are programmed to do--worry about the younger siblings.
but yes, do try to wait until you meet her to form a solid opinion on the relationship and then you can decide what you wish.


i know it's not easy. i've gone through similar periods of worry with both my younger sister and brother's dating choices. in the end it's theirs to make, just as my choices were mine. but it doesn't stop the instinct to protect them.