Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift: Small edit at bottom of OP

Hey Ladies.

(EDIT #2 at the bottom of this Post)

A friend of mine is getting married. I need some of the brain trust advice in helping her.

Please put aside the notion that this is tacky for Americans. It is. She knows it. I know it. But if she is going forward with the idea I would like to help make it as less tacky as possible.

She is Russian and Jewish. In the Russian culture it is a given that if you are invited to a wedding you are covering your plate. This is a $300 or $400 gift per couple.

But in the Russian culture its expected and the norm. People know the couple could not afford the wedding they are having if the guests don't cover their plate.

So my girlfriend is getting married. When she got her invitations it was suggested she puts a card in with the AMERICAN guests suggesting that a gift is money is the norm, and a gift covering the plate is the norm. This would be in about 20 invitations.

So, lets take away the fact that I told her its tacky to do. She said she would have a problem paying for the wedding if people don't cover their plate. And again, in the Russian culture its EXPECTED the guests are paying for the wedding.


The bottom line is this: I told her that if she feels she has to its ok, just know that some people will find it tacky and in bad taste. But she will only be offending 20 couples so its not that bad :)

1. Has anyone else been in this situation?

2. How did you handle it?

3. Wording: I am thinking of wording to insert to help her: Please help if you have better ideas.

In the Russian culture it is customary to give a monetary gift to congratulate the new couple in their marriage. It is seen as a mitzvah (good deed in Yiddish) to help lay a foundation for their life together.


ETA:

I like the idea of "no boxed gifts" or doing the idea I suggested. I thank you for those responses.

We can all go back and forth about how tacky and awful it is. How we can't BELIEVE she is having a wedding she can't afford. Etc Etc.

WE all agree.

Just to clarify.

Its expected, in HER community that they will give at LEAST $300 a couple. It is expected that you will cover your plate. I don't know where in Russia she is from, or where her community is. I can only tell you culturally for HER that is what is expected. This is what she told me.

I am not defending her, just telling you guys all the facts.

For her wedding, its going to be more like $200 a head. And again, on a Wednesday night? My guess is that its expensive because the hall "Caters" (pun intended) to the religious community and mid week is their Saturday night. She said that the number will go through the family/community and they will know its $200 a head.

I also feel there is no good way for her to do this. But if she wants to I was trying to see what I could do to help, nothing more.

I'm going to try to talk her out of it one more time before she sends out the invites.

Edit #2
Well. She is INDEED Bukharian. If you google Bukharian wedding it comes up with a whole bunch of stuff about this custom of covering your plate, which *is* customary in their community. It basically says its a way for the community to help them pay for a wedding so its not on either sides shoulders..

My eyes are opened and I'm glad LI Rascal gave me that nugget.

No matter how distasteful *we* find this custom, its real.

Weather she should include a note or not is up to her. I will again discourage it, but if she does, so be it.

Very interesting!

Message edited 6/10/2016 2:10:15 PM.

Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

As a P.S. I did tell her that the Jewish people will give her money. We never (almost never) give gifts.

Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

That is the most tacky and absurd thing I ever heard of. I'm Jewish and not sure where that comes into this whole equation. Most people gave us money for our wedding. BUT they didn't all cover their plates and I would never expect them to. It's my wedding, my tastes and my decisions. I would never have a wedding and expect my guests to pay for it.

Have the wedding you can afford. Sorry, but there is no way I would ever put that in an invite.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Personally, I always give cash and would be turned off if I got this and probably decline the wedding

I would think they should just not create a wedding registry and people would opt to give money

but if you do need to include text, I do like what you came up with

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

My advice is it's only 20 couples. Before taking a chance of severing whatever friendship/relationship they have with these 40 people, I'd eat the cost if they didn't cover their plates.

You can't have a wedding and expect to put nothing Out Of Pocket.

There is no graceful way of telling people what they have to give you in order to attend your wedding. That's not a party - that's dinner reservations and you don't even get to pick your own meals for $300-$400

No thanks

Message edited 6/7/2016 12:38:23 PM.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Posted by jams92

Personally, I always give cash and would be turned off if I got this and probably decline the wedding

I would think they should just not create a wedding registry and people would opt to give money

but if you do need to include text, I do like what you came up with

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Posted by Paramount

Posted by jams92

Personally, I always give cash and would be turned off if I got this and probably decline the wedding

I would think they should just not create a wedding registry and people would opt to give money

but if you do need to include text, I do like what you came up with

Thanks. That was the advice I am looking for.

It is tacky. However this is a cultural thing I am trying to help her with.

If she is set on doing this I want to help her do it in the least tacky way.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Sometimes when there is no nice way to do something, that means it's not a nice thing to do.

ETA - I get what you are trying to do and your heart is in the right place. Assuming the wedding is local, you can tell her she can rest assured money is what she will get from most if not all of those 20 couples without being rude.

Message edited 6/7/2016 12:44:01 PM.

Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

I'm so confused by this.

How can you have a wedding that the guests are paying for? How can she not afford it if she has to pay for everything ahead of time?

I don't understand how 20 Americans are making or breaking this wedding? She is assuming every single couple is giving her $400?

Don't have a wedding you can't pay for. Period.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Posted by PhyllisNJoe

Posted by Paramount

Posted by jams92

Personally, I always give cash and would be turned off if I got this and probably decline the wedding

I would think they should just not create a wedding registry and people would opt to give money

but if you do need to include text, I do like what you came up with

Thanks. That was the advice I am looking for.

It is tacky. However this is a cultural thing I am trying to help her with.

If she is set on doing this I want to help her do it in the least tacky way.

you're a good friend for trying but honestly, the best help you could give her is to talk her out of it. No really. It's bad. Like really bad

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

$400 for a couple for a Russian wedding? CHEAP! LOL I'm giving that much for a first birthday party.


is she getting married in a Russian catering hall or American catering hall?
If it's American, the Russians will more than make up for the Americans. Most of the ones I know cover their plate and then some.

I would avoid offending the Americans. They won't understand the cultural thing and find it rude no matter how you phrase it.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Basically, She can not afford to invite those 20 people. There is no good way for you to handle it. Let her figure it out for herself.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Americans in NY give money at weddings, not gifts. I think she's trying to get more money then what she thinks people would normally give. And that is rude, rude, rude! I would more then likely decline the invitation

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Posted by Paramount

Posted by PhyllisNJoe

Posted by Paramount

Posted by jams92

Personally, I always give cash and would be turned off if I got this and probably decline the wedding

I would think they should just not create a wedding registry and people would opt to give money

but if you do need to include text, I do like what you came up with

Thanks. That was the advice I am looking for.

It is tacky. However this is a cultural thing I am trying to help her with.

If she is set on doing this I want to help her do it in the least tacky way.

you're a good friend for trying but honestly, the best help you could give her is to talk her out of it. No really. It's bad. Like really bad

I told her that. You bet I did. However I am also trying to embrace the differences in culture. I personally will embrace this because thats how its done for them. But I also think its a little crazy to "expect" the "american" guests to conform to something like this.

But, its HER culture, its how THEY do it and she asked for my help. So I am helping her do it the LEAST tacky way I can think of.

Message edited 6/7/2016 12:50:53 PM.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Is she getting married here in NY? Why is she expecting people of different cultures and traditions to follow her culture and traditions?

I am sorry, but unless you have everyone of the same culture at your wedding you have to expect people to do what they would normally do.

I have been to weddings in other countries and while I loved experiencing and learning about different culture and traditions not once was I expected to follow them all or know them either. Forgot out of the country weddings, just out of this area in general.

And can I ask, what happens if they don't give the traditional gift? Do they cut them off?

Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Who are the Americans that she's inviting? Work people? Relatives? Acquaintances? If they're people she doesn't know well but still insists on inviting to her wedding, then she'll have to suck up the cost. If they're people that she's comfortable with (relatives) then maybe she can have a conversation with them - broach the subject gently and see how they would feel.

But, yes, it's tacky, and I don't think extra wording should be included in the invitation. Besides, how is giving money to the couple helping them start their life if all the money is going toward the wedding? Scale that party down some - no need to go overboard!

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

You really are a good friend. I would've laughed in my friend's face.
With that said, the only way you can "help" her, is by telling her it's super tacky and she's going to offend her guests.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

If she's getting married in NY, there is NO WAY she should put an insert. Most NYers already give $$$. I would decline if I got an invite like that bc I would get anxious about how much is enough and plus it's super rude.

I'm Portuguese and my family has always been one to give VERY VERY VERY generous gifts. Like over $1,00 generous. DH's family comes from a completely different culture and they just don't do it. They'll give $$ but not as much. I graciously accepted whatever anyone gave us (some didn't give at all) because it's not about that. Seriously. If it is to her, she shouldn't invite those people that won't hit her gift standard.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Posted by Mags1227

$400 for a couple for a Russian wedding? CHEAP! LOL I'm giving that much for a first birthday party.


is she getting married in a Russian catering hall or American catering hall?
If it's American, the Russians will more than make up for the Americans. Most of the ones I know cover their plate and then some.

I would avoid offending the Americans. They won't understand the cultural thing and find it rude no matter how you phrase it.

Message edited 6/7/2016 1:03:46 PM.

Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

There is absolutely no way to do this that is not horribly tacky, rude, and insulting.

The wedding should be about oh, the MARRIAGE, not the gifts. Who is this concerned about what people give them? I could not have cared less if I got one dollar. People have no class. I hope people give her toasters.

Message edited 6/7/2016 1:04:55 PM.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Yeah no, this is a really bad idea all around. There is no graceful, least tacky way to hit up your guests for cash. Plus, even if she does put a cutesy poem insert into the invitation, how would she go about conveying that the couple needs $400 to cover the plate? How would a guest know how much the couple are paying per plate, unless the invitation specifically said "bring 400 bucks with you to my wedding". That's beyond tacky and embarrassing. Tacky is asking for money. Beyond tacky is asking for an exact number. If she really wants to have a lavish affair that costs $200+ per plate she should figure out another way to fund it than turning her wedding day into a fundraiser. As a friend she's asking you for a least offensive way to do this, and as a friend you should let her know there is no least offensive way. Maybe some of.the Russian guests will give more than the cost of their plate, and that will offset some of the loss from the guests that give less.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

She can always include an invoice with the invitation and include a spot for guests to write down their credit card numbers when they RSVP.

Or she can set up a Go Fund Me Page and include the link to it with her invitation

Because that's pretty much what this 'wedding' is coming down to.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Its NOT cultural, I have two unrelated Russian friends. Like FROM RUSSIA, not just Russian descent, both got married here last year and DID NOT put such a thing in their invitation.

There just ISNT a non-tacky way to say that and if she is getting married HERE she needs to understand that.

Frankly, IMO it'll actually backfire on here, Id go and give her a small gift off her registry instead of whatever cash amount I was going to initially give.

Message edited 6/7/2016 1:29:26 PM.

Re: Need Help - Friend getting married - wording to ask for money not gift

Im curious.. since the catering hall/food/reception etc all need to be paid up front or at least on the day of - how does anyone giving a check to cover their plate even work?

the bride (or her family) has to shell out the $$ upfront, no?
So - if the wedding is in NY, assume that most of the American guests will give $$. She can't assume that she'll get $400 a couple though and will have to suck it up and pay any difference. As others said, perhaps the Russian guests will cover the difference too

And if she thinks she's 'losing out' on any of that difference - oh well.

There is NO WAY any American guest will not be highly offended or think its incredibly tacky to get a note like that included in the invite. I understand your desire to help your friend, but in this case the best advice is to tell her to either not invite the Americans, or just deal with whatever $$ she gets.

And to answer another poster.. no, not all Americans give $$ at weddings. That is very much a NY thing.