Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

So yesterday my kids got their shots. It was a stressful day as I had a lot of stuff to do for work, had no sleep the night before and couldn't even start working until about noon. I do demonstrations via the web so I was doing one of those and I hear Ronan screaming. I am trying to wrap up my call and finally just had to cut them off and get my baby to comfort him. We didn't know if it was the injection or some stomach issues so I just tried to comfort him as best I could. I held him for an hour and he fell asleep on me. I was able to put him down and then he woke up and was all smiles. My DH and I had a rough morning of bickering and frustration for reasons I won't get into-nothing serious

Declan was also fussy and DH didn't get home from work until after 5. My DH came home with 2 plants and a really nice card with some things wiritten for the boys and from him basically saying we appreciate all you do etc etc. Very sweet and made me cry

I gave Ronan a bath and was able to put him to bed around 6PM. Declan was fussy with gas so I tried all my ticks and he would just not be comforted. He finally fell asleep about 8 PM. He was up every 1/2 hour and I would rock him back to sleep. Around 9:45 he woke up and would not be comforted-I fed him, rocked him, shhh'ed him(I realize that is not a word) etc. Finally at 10:45 I said-OK I need you to take over and I have to pump. So he basically chastises me saying you know you are their Mom you need to be there to comfort them. You can't get frustrated etc etc.

Now keep in Mind I am the one who is up with them all night long, I know how D acts when he is brewing up a big poop and the only thing that will make him feel better is either pooping or sleep! Maybe I am a horrible person or I am selfish but I just cannot be the only comforter for two infants. 24-7. It is not good for them and it is certainly not good for me.

So he ended up getting him back to sleep after rocking him 4 separate times. (he was still up 4 times in the night which I handled) When he came back out I said you know I'm not superhuman, of course it gets frustrating when you can't get them to go to sleep etc etc. He agreed and siad he didn't know why he said that.He basically "took it back" But I am still hurt.

Sorry so long but I need to know-do YOU get frustrated and need a break after a schedule like I have? Am I a bad Mom? If yes-how do I do this better? HELP!!!

ETA: Please don't quote. Thanks

Message edited 4/16/2009 12:03:36 PM.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

You are definitely NOT a bad mom! We all get frustrated and your DH said something in the heat of the moment that she shouldn't have.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Ugh, seriosuly he has alot of nerve saying that to you. You do SO much for those boys, cause you want to and cause you HAVE to

you are human, getting frustrated comes with the territory. He needs to OFFER to help you, period

Kevin told me the other day "you need to relax and not get so frustrated"

it took me all I had not to stab him

call me if you need to vent

you are a GREAT mom and you are doing an amazing job with them, just like I thought you would

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Hell Yeah I get frustrated.
DH is on big time daddy duty when he walks in the door at night.
If mothers don't get a break that is how things happen that no one likes to talk about. Like you said we aren't superhuman. We need sleep, time alone, time to regroup and a break when we feel like we just can't deal anymore.
I only have one, I have no idea how you keep it together and work with two.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Nooooo You are not a bad mom....I think everyone needs a break every now and again. It is better for you and your baby to have a break! Plus I feel every child needs to bond with the father as well as the mom ~ My DH was and is can be the same way but sometimes I have to trick him by saying I have to go to the bathroom so I get a little break & he gets to have this time with his son. At first DH had a hard time getting DS to fall asleep and now he falls asleep on him and can soothe him like I can. (Although DS if he sees me ~ then he just wants me and it does not work)

Hang in there ~ You are doing a great job ~ you "super human" mom Like you I would be hurt by what your hubby said

Message edited 4/16/2009 12:12:16 PM.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by mooshyboo

Nooooo You are not a bad mom....I think everyone needs a break every now and again. It is better for you and your baby to have a break! Plus I feel every child needs to bond with the father as well as the mom ~ My DH was and is can be the same way but sometimes I have to trick him by saying I have to go to the bathroom so I get a little break & he gets to have this time with his son. At first DH had a hard time getting DS to fall asleep and now he falls asleep on him and can soothe him like I can. (Although DS if he sees me ~ then he just wants me and it does not work)

Hang in there ~ You are doing a great job ~ you "super human" mom

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

OMG yes, as much as I feel guilty about it, I pass DD to DH when he comes home, and he takes her without complaint. I know he is tired from his day, but he understands that I probably had a rougher day (bless the man!)
I love my DD so much, more than life itself... but sometimes I just want to run away (this is so hard for me to say )
I am a naturally self critical person, and not being good at something bothers the sh*t out of me.. but this mom stuff is TOUGH! I am learning though.

So if you're a bad mom caring for twins 24/7, then I don't know what I should call myself.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

You are NOT a bad Mom!!! You are human - you need a break like everyone else does. Caring for newborn (or newborns) is hard work and very demanding. It is only natural that sometimes we need to step back and take a break from it.
I am guilty of doing everything on my own, especially when DS was younger, b/c it is easier sometimes than dealing with DH getting frustrated. But I have made a really big effort to not be like that -- it is too stressful and too much work to be in charge 24/7.
My DH works long hours and is hardly ever home before DS goes to bed, so on the weekends I take advanage of it and let him do the little things --- feeding, bathtime, changings etc. All the little things add up!!!

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

OMG - you are only human - and unfortunately, although we like to think we are SuperWoman - we're not. I hate when men say not to get frustrated. Let him do what you do - for even 1/4 of the day and see how calm he is!

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

while i'm sure DH is not like that all the time - what a jerk!! you are ABSOLUTELY not a bad mom! everyone needs a sanity break! and what the flip does that mean you need to be there for them cause you're their mom!?!? hellooooooo! you're the dad that's just as good! the "you can't get frustrated" line would've sent me over the edge.

when i have a rough day, i let DH know about it and he's ready to take over when i reach my "i'm DONE!" point. when he reaches his (usually like 10 minutes later ) i'm ready to take over again. but its important that DH remember that you're a team ALWAYS.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by bonitachyc

while i'm sure DH is not like that all the time - what a jerk!! you are ABSOLUTELY not a bad mom! everyone needs a sanity break! and what the flip does that mean you need to be there for them cause you're their mom!?!? hellooooooo! you're the dad that's just as good! the "you can't get frustrated" line would've sent me over the edge.

when i have a rough day, i let DH know about it and he's ready to take over when i reach my "i'm DONE!" point. when he reaches his (usually like 10 minutes later ) i'm ready to take over again. but its important that DH remember that you're a team ALWAYS.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by Mikismom

Ugh, seriosuly he has alot of nerve saying that to you. You do SO much for those boys, cause you want to and cause you HAVE to

you are human, getting frustrated comes with the territory. He needs to OFFER to help you, period

Kevin told me the other day "you need to relax and not get so frustrated"

it took me all I had not to stab him

call me if you need to vent

you are a GREAT mom and you are doing an amazing job with them, just like I thought you would

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

My DH did the same isht to me this weekend! He told me that I needed to relax and not get upset - yeah, okay!! DD was screaming and crying and throwing the WORST FIT OF HER LIFE!

And like Mikismom said - it took all my strength not to stab him... and we WERE in the kitchen when he said it.

ETA: You're definitely not a bad mom. Your DH needs some alone time with his boys to make him realize his expectations are unrealistic, to say the least.

Message edited 4/16/2009 1:11:18 PM.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

i honestly think that your DH said this because he was scared - he didn't know how he was going to comfort Declan and he said the first thing that popped into his scared head!

that definitely doesn't make it okay, and i am glad he acknowledged that and apologized for it.

that being said, you are not superwoman - you cannot possibly do it all. your DH really needs to step up and learn all the things he can do to comfort your boys, or at least the best way to hold them while they scream so you can get a break.

mommyhood is stressful enough and you guys are dealing with two! i think it's totally normal that fights like this will happen from time to time. you should have seen me yell at DH because he wasn't burping DS they way i thought he should but you just have to learn to hand him the baby and walk away. he'll learn what to do eventually. and he's obviously not going to hurt the babies!!

plus, if you aren't already, i would also look into using either gripe water or chamomile tea to help the boys

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by DRMom

Posted by Mikismom

Ugh, seriosuly he has alot of nerve saying that to you. You do SO much for those boys, cause you want to and cause you HAVE to

you are human, getting frustrated comes with the territory. He needs to OFFER to help you, period

Kevin told me the other day "you need to relax and not get so frustrated"

it took me all I had not to stab him

call me if you need to vent

you are a GREAT mom and you are doing an amazing job with them, just like I thought you would

I'll call you later-he is coming to take me to lunch you know how it goes, say something stupid than kiss azzz to make up for it for a few days

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

I can't believe that you would think for even a fraction of a second that you are a "bad" Mom.

IMO, you deserve a friggin' medal for working and taking care of twins. I complain about working and taking care of my DD when I have my sister's full time help plus my DH pitches in A LOT.

I think it was wrong of your DH to say that to you. A very antiquated statement. Even though he "took it back", it is still going to hurt and bother you.

Your life changed 9,000,000% after TTC, pregnancy, the c-section and new motherhood to TWO boys.

You need a break every once in a while for your own sanity.

I hope he gets you a kickass Mother's day gift.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

i don't think it matters what any of our schedules are, we all get frustrated, we all need a hand, and we all can't be the only ones to comfort our children....we are moms therefore we are superheros, but there is no way we can do it all, all of the time! when you take care of yourself and when you step away when you are getting overwhelmed (which is normal) you are a better mom.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

You're not a bad mom! We all get to our breaking point with taking care of the kids. What stinks is that we women are awesome at multitasking so we make it look easy and we know that if we do it it will take 1/2 the time and be done the right way! So we take on a lot and sometimes it just gets to be too much and you want to run away. Many a days I dream of just getting in my car, windows down, radio on, tossing the car seats out the windpw (without the kids in them of course! ) just to have a few moments of sanity.

I dont think the men will ever realize how much our lives change with baby. For my situation, DH still gets up and goes to the gym, enjoys a nice commute to work witht he radio and coffee, has a lunch break and some adult conversation every day without managing two kids, the household and all that jazz. Sure, he is on duty the second he walks in the door, but that is for 2 hours, not the 12 I just endured. Its mentally hard. Its not so much the chores, the bottles, etc...its the constant putting everyone elses' needs before your own that eventually wears on you. Sorry...I just hijacked your vent with my own vent! But my point is, good mom/bad mom is not part of the arguement in my opinion. Its our need as a human/adult, to get a break and think of ourselves for just the smallest amount of time to keep our happiness in check.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

I know that the initial reaction is that you want to kick his azz or scream "are you f'ing kidding me?!?!" at the top of your lungs, but then you realize you are both tired, overwhelmed and a little scared because you aren't really sure why they are crying or what you can do to calm them down. It's just so hard in the beginning, and as other people said, you have TWO babies to worry about.

Everyone gets frustrated and needs a break, EVERYONE. I laughed at one of the other posts above - when DH is home, I often take longer than necessary to pee, I sometimes just need that extra 5 minutes to relax, even if it's just sitting on the toilet. These days, DS hangs on me constantly and I sometimes have to hide from him for a few minutes, just to do the most basic things.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by dpli

I laughed at one of the other posts above - when DH is home, I often take longer than necessary to pee, I sometimes just need that extra 5 minutes to relax, even if it's just sitting on the toilet. .

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

You know you are not a bad mom - you don't need to ask

Nothing hurts more than to have someone, especially your DH, criticize how you mother. That was wrong and I'm glad he admitted it was out of line.

There is no way in hell you can keep your sanity and be expected to comfort two infants - NO WAY!! You need a break to recoup, gather your thoughts, breathe, relax - doing that makes you a better mom. Asking for help, makes you a better mom. It's the mom that never asks for help and has a freaking breakdown that is less useful to her child than the one that knows it's time for someone else to step in. Plus, he is their father. There is no reason he can't comfort them as well - it's part of his job.

You're amazing - don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Message edited 4/16/2009 2:32:44 PM.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

I know my comments may be construed as biased because I am your Mother. That being said, I believe your DH needs to THINK before he speaks as I have experienced his remarks personally.

You need to work as your salary and benefits are vital to your household. You are NOT a stay at home Mother. How can you be up all night with crying babies and then expect to be able to work the next day. Especially with TWINS.

I would suggest that you and your DH sit down and talk when things are quiet and you can discuss both your feelings and brainstorm how to correct the situation. If you let things like this slide his response will become a habit and you will not get any help in the future from him.

I believe your DH needs to grow up and share the childrearing demands, because you have twins and you both work.

I hope this helps and things get better for you soon.

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Oh Melissa- if you SAW the temper tantrums I've thrown outside of each of my DDs rooms at 3am, you'd be . I've also called my sister at odd times to have her talk me out of the trees. I swear the DHs use that "You're the mother" thing to hide the fact that they're useless.

I swear, some days I am just thankful I got through it without beating one or shaking the other.......

*BTW.... that last line was a JOKE for anyone wanting to get up in arms about it ('cause we all know there are).*

I want you to know- YOU are a super hero in my eyes. Anytime I've been ready to get in my car and drive away to Tahiti, I think of all the twin+ mommies out there doing what I do, but times TWO. It astounds me (and makes me feel awful for being frustrated with just one).

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by Porrruss

Oh Melissa- if you SAW the temper tantrums I've thrown outside of each of my DDs rooms at 3am, you'd be . I've also called my sister at odd times to have her talk me out of the trees. I swear the DHs use that "You're the mother" thing to hide the fact that they're useless.

I swear, some days I am just thankful I got through it without beating one or shaking the other.......

*BTW.... that last line was a JOKE for anyone wanting to get up in arms about it ('cause we all know there are).*

I want you to know- YOU are a super hero in my eyes. Anytime I've been ready to get in my car and drive away to Tahiti, I think of all the twin+ mommies out there doing what I do, but times TWO. It astounds me (and makes me feel awful for being frustrated with just one).

Re: Need to hear feedback-LONG sorry

Posted by Snickers

I can't believe that you would think for even a fraction of a second that you are a "bad" Mom.

IMO, you deserve a friggin' medal for working and taking care of twins. I complain about working and taking care of my DD when I have my sister's full time help plus my DH pitches in A LOT.

I think it was wrong of your DH to say that to you. A very antiquated statement. Even though he "took it back", it is still going to hurt and bother you.

Your life changed 9,000,000% after TTC, pregnancy, the c-section and new motherhood to TWO boys.

You need a break every once in a while for your own sanity.

I hope he gets you a kickass Mother's day gift.