Re: Not planning on having children...

Re: Not planning on having children...

I realize I have no real insight into this thread since I have 2 children but I just wanted to give a different perspective...

As a mom, I can say that I never truly knew what unconditional love was until I had my children. I can't explain it except to say that now I didn't get it until I had children of my own. I loved my nieces & nephew with all of my heart - but if you multiplied that love by 1000x - it still wouldn't be close to the love I feel for my own child. Without quesition, I always knew my parents loved me. It wasn't until I had my own that I realized how much they really did.

I think anyone who doesn't want children should definitely not have them. Neither I , nor anyone else, should ever question anyone's decision on such a personal subject.While I've never really admitted this to anyone, I have to confess I was on the fence about having children myself. I knew that my DH wanted kids. I did it for him because I loved him. Later when I had them, I couldn't believe how truly amazing it was, the feeling, the love, etc. It is the hardest (yet most rewarding) job ever.

For the "hurry up, don't wait" comments, unfortunately science doesn't allow us to put off TTC as long as someone of us need to make that decision. All it would take would be for you to read a few posts on the IF board to see how truly heartbreaking it is to come to the decision to have kids & not have your body cooperate. Some of those well-meaning people think they could spare someone they care about the pain of infertility by uneccesarily reminding them.

For the horrible childhoods, I have friends who were literally tourtured in every possible way by parents who "loved them". They had a very difficult time reconciling how a parent could do that when they had their own children. Knowing how cyclical abuse can be, therapy was an important step for a couple of them. The third is winging it the best she can & is doing pretty well.

My feeling is that - if you don't have kids, you just don't get what it's about. Most people are so in love with their kids and can't imagine their lives without them. They want you to be able to feel how really great it could be. The thing they forget is that if you don't want them - it's not going to be really great. No child should ever have to grow up in a house where they weren't wanted. For those that don't want kids, thank you - from the bottom of my heart for not having them. Just realize that most of us are just blinded by love (or were raised with no manners).

Just as you don't get having kids, we don't get not havfing them, but yes some of us need to MYOB

Message edited 7/27/2006 10:04:42 PM.

Re: Not planning on having children...

Posted by MrsRbk

I think it's just rude to assume a couple is planning to have children. I had someone come up to me at my wedding saying they looked forward to August when the announcement of the birth of our child would come (exactly 9 months from my wedding! ) I was told there was a table at our wedding that have bets placed on when I'm going to be preggo.

Re: Not planning on having children...

I feel that anyone who does not want kids should not have kids. It's your own decision and you have every right to do what's right for your life and marriage.

I can relate a little bit about being asked when you're going to have kids because I am constantly asked when I am going to have my second. I love my daughter and I really want to enjoy spending time with her and having just the 3 of us time. We are not ready for the 2nd child yet but when I tell people that I hear, oh we'll you better get going soon, you're not getting any younger, Kiera needs a brother or sister, etc. So I feel the pressure too. DH and I are waiting for #2 because of personal reasons. I want to lose about 20 more pounds, we want to get our house and our finances in better order. But I don't want to have to discuss that with everyone, everyday. Somedays I just want to snap at people and tell them to mind their own f***ing business.

So to all of you who don't want kids, I say good for you for making that choice. Maybe someday you'll change your mind, maybe you wont. But I agree that if you don't want them now then you shouldn't have them now. And I just wanted to let you all know that if you do decide to have one, you will get asked when the 2nd one is coming. And it will drive you crazy!

Message edited 7/27/2006 10:31:10 PM.

Re: Not planning on having children...

Barb I agree 100%. I never knew what this kind of love was like.

Re: Not planning on having children...

I must admit that at times, I don't know if I want children. DH and I were talking the other night. He would really like to start trying in Oct. because we're not sure how easy it will be for us b/c of his health issues. This idea terrifies me and excites me. I love the fact that it's just us.... we can come and go as we please. Then another part of me cannot imagine my life without a child.

I really commend all those who know they don't want children for not giving in to the pressure of society.

Re: Not planning on having children...

I just wanna say as someone trying DESPERATLY to have children Im appalled anyone would tell someone who doesnt want them that its the wrong choice.

Its SUCH a personal, lifelong , life altering thing that NO ONE should judge anyone in regards to the decisions they make.

I think it todays society, children are too often actually had to try to make things work, to extend ones life through a child etc when the people dont really fully understand the commitment and devotion it takes.

I think it takes a lot of self awareness to say I dont want children and I feel bad for any of you who were given any negative feedback in your lives for coming to that decision.

Re: Not planning on having children...

Re: Not planning on having children...

bump

Re: Not planning on having children...

Re: Not planning on having children...

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by ChrissynRicky

bump

Re: Not planning on having children...

Posted by nrthshgrl

I realize I have no real insight into this thread since I have 2 children but I just wanted to give a different perspective...

As a mom, I can say that I never truly knew what unconditional love was until I had my children. I can't explain it except to say that now I didn't get it until I had children of my own. I loved my nieces & nephew with all of my heart - but if you multiplied that love by 1000x - it still wouldn't be close to the love I feel for my own child. Without quesition, I always knew my parents loved me. It wasn't until I had my own that I realized how much they really did.

I think anyone who doesn't want children should definitely not have them. Neither I , nor anyone else, should ever question anyone's decision on such a personal subject.While I've never really admitted this to anyone, I have to confess I was on the fence about having children myself. I knew that my DH wanted kids. I did it for him because I loved him. Later when I had them, I couldn't believe how truly amazing it was, the feeling, the love, etc. It is the hardest (yet most rewarding) job ever.

For the "hurry up, don't wait" comments, unfortunately science doesn't allow us to put off TTC as long as someone of us need to make that decision. All it would take would be for you to read a few posts on the IF board to see how truly heartbreaking it is to come to the decision to have kids & not have your body cooperate. Some of those well-meaning people think they could spare someone they care about the pain of infertility by uneccesarily reminding them.

For the horrible childhoods, I have friends who were literally tourtured in every possible way by parents who "loved them". They had a very difficult time reconciling how a parent could do that when they had their own children. Knowing how cyclical abuse can be, therapy was an important step for a couple of them. The third is winging it the best she can & is doing pretty well.

My feeling is that - if you don't have kids, you just don't get what it's about. Most people are so in love with their kids and can't imagine their lives without them. They want you to be able to feel how really great it could be. The thing they forget is that if you don't want them - it's not going to be really great. No child should ever have to grow up in a house where they weren't wanted. For those that don't want kids, thank you - from the bottom of my heart for not having them. Just realize that most of us are just blinded by love (or were raised with no manners).

Just as you don't get having kids, we don't get not havfing them, but yes some of us need to MYOB

Re: Not planning on having children...

I feel like I'm in good company. I too have gotten the insensitive comments, when I share that my husband and I are not planning on having children.

And I put it just like that: not PLANNING on having children. Because if I just say we are not having them, I get the old "You NEVER know what could happen!" line.

It's my MIL that is the worst with it. DH is an only child, so I understand her desire.

But as I told her last summer, we are not having children just because she thinks we should. To which she replied, "You're not too old to have children yet, you know!"

Re: Not planning on having children...

just my .02...my dh and i are ttc. that is our choice. but i would never, ever pass judgement on another coupdl who choose not to have children. why do people think its a given that once you are married you have kids?

Re: Not planning on having children...

Just today, not more than 10 minutes ago:

Someone walks over and sees my wedding picture on my desk, and asks when we got married. I said 2 years ago so I got the retort of 'oh, its time to start having babies'

Yah.... OK thanks for your input.