Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

ok so many changes for the worse this year that I'm losing my mind. DD gave up napping. So I lost what little quiet time to myself that I had. She also learned to go potty. Those were our two huge changes this year. She went from sleeping until somewhere b/w 7-8 to waking at 6 or 6:30 at the latest so know I'm up earlier than I'm used to. Not a big deal by itself. But DS is 3 mos old so he doesn't sleep much yet. I usually can't get to bed b4 midnight b/c of him. DD up this morning at 5:40 am! UGH. Add to that the she's also started this year being a major basket case. She's constantly disobeying us, testing limits, breaking rules (not a biggie) but when you scold her she breaks into hysterics so I can't discipline in any kind of calm rational manner b/c she's crying. Anything that we have to get her to do during the day, i.e potty, meals, bath, she screams and cries and throws a major tantrum. I'm just loosing it. I'm cranky and on edge all the time b/c I'm tired. Then I'm furious b/c of the combination of her acting up and not getting any piece or a break from her at all. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just having a really bad day. I'm sure most of this has to do with baby brother. But I need to know if there's anything to do to help it or how long b4 she'll get through this phase? Please give me some hope.

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

I don't really have any help, but will she have "quiet" time? DS doesn't really want to nap, but I put him on the couch and put on a movie or tv and like 9 times out of 10, he will doze off for a while (even if she doesn't sleep...)

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

Alex turned 4 just after Yael was born, and those first 3 months were trying times. Around month 4 is when everything seemed to "click" and she moved on from the whiny/clingy stage and started accepting the changes in our dynamic and our family.

I won't lie - it can be very, very challenging at first. A few pieces of advice:

First, make sure that your DD knows that she is still a priority to you. One of the best pieces of advice I got on here was that if both are crying, or both need my attention, go to the oldest first because SHE will remember, not the baby. So, even to this day, if Alex needs something and Yael starts kvetching, I say loudly to Yael so that Alex can hear "Yael I hear you, but Alex needs XXX, and I have to help her first so you are going to have to wait" - that way Alex still knows she's a priority, and by doing that she has never, EVER complained that I give more to Yael.

Second, as much as possible try to keep the same routine going for your DD - if she's in school, it really does help to keep her in there so that in a world of change and fluctuation, she has something familiar to ground her.

Third, try to include her in EVERYTHING possible - from helping give you a diaper, or a wipe, or helping feed the baby, or prepare a bottle, etc. That way she feels included on this big change, instead of pushed aside.

Fourth, don't let guilt keep you from disciplining her. She's acting out because she is trying to figure out her new place in this new family dynamic. What she needs absolutely the most right now is structure to help her find that place. That means, when she acts out, discipline her firmly, but try not to lose your temper, and if you do, by all means, apologize to her and explain why. Many a time I had to sit down with Alex after an argument and apologize to her, and explain that mommy was really tired, and grumpy and yelled when she shouldn't have. That way, to some degree, I garnered some understanding and empathy from Alex.

Fifth - reward chart! It worked wonders for us. I had the same issue - I would be up all night with the baby and finally when I got to sleep Alex would wake up and come straight to me! I started a reward chart - I give her a star for good behavior, which INCLUDES staying in your room when you wake up and playing with your toys or watching TV until mommy comes to get you. It worked wonders - DH set her TV to two channels, so she learned how to turn on the tv and can switch between those two channels (PBS and Disney). When she wakes up, she sits on her little couch and watches TV until I come get her. Now, of course, that is the ONLY TV I allow her to watch during the day...

Hang in there - it gets better, I promise!

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

I feel for you. I have days that go that way also. I don't have a 3 month old but I babysit an almost 1 year old and sometimes when I have him, it feels 10 times worse. My daughter has power struggles with me daily. Honestly, I don't have an answer for you, but I do know that sometimes I just have to get out. With her. Whether its a drive to run errands, food shopping, walking the mall. It seems to help.

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

The first thing that I would do is to start setting some limits and discipline. She is throwing tantrums because she can and she gets attention and the consequences aren't there. If you do time outs, there is no reason you can't explain to her the process prior to needing to use it and then using it when you need to. Let her sit in time out crying hysterically. Set a timer and when it goes off the first time, get down on her level, explain to her that you need her to calm down and when she does, explain to her why she is in time out. It may be hard the first few times but she'll get it.

Counting works in stalling off misbehaving or not listening. She knows that if I get to 3, she will have a time out or lose something that I have already warned her about. She never wants me to get pass 1 that she immediately responds.

I think you would really benefit from setting limits because I would think she is acting out for attention and she is getting that attention though be it negative.

Also, work on trying to praise good behavior..."thank you so much for listening to Mommy and picking up your toys. That makes me happy and very proud of you." Things like that.

Do you have her in any preschool program? If not, I would look in to that. She will enjoy it and it will give you some time with just one.

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

Thanks everybody. We definitely have limits and discipline it's just that it's not as simple as it was before. Before she would go to time out and then come out. Now we still do it we just can't do it w/o her having a meltdown. The emotions are just off the charts. I'll keep trying and hang in. She does go to school 3 days per week. And I thank God for those days for the couple of hours of peace and quiet I get.

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

So far, for me.... 3 & 4 has been the most trying age ...My DD was born when my DS was 3y3m ...You are not alne

Re: Parents of 3 and 4 year olds- help a frustrated mom

my 2.5 yr old gave up her naps too..and I agree with PPer...when she gets cranky..she lies on the couch with her sippy cup and watches a show or two of Dora - her favorite...and it refreshes her!