| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: [1] 2 |
kathleeng
Member since 5/05 3775 total posts
Name:
Kathleen
|
Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I will totally admit it, I do NOT want to spend Christmas with the inlaws. There is a lot of tension right now and I just want to enjoy it to the best of my ability with our new baby girl.
A little background: Most of you know our firstborn Liam was diagnosed with a heart defect in utero back in 2008. This was back in April of 2008. Well, days go by, weeks go by, the father calls occasionally to see how we are doing (very occasionally). The mother never calls, never offers any support, is COMPLETELY useless. You would never know that her only son is going through such a trying time with his future son. Fast forward to my beautiful son's birh in Sept 08. Liam was born on a Monday and was sent directly to NICU. Well, Monday goes by Tuesday, Wed etc..... NO SIGN of DH's parent's. Their newborn grandson is in the NICU FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!!
Granted they live out in Eastern Long Island, but what really hurts is that the father worked in the city and was here everyday. When DH confronted him about it he said that he just didn't want to get in our way. They finally came in two days before my son's death after my SIL reemed them out.
Tragically Liam did not make it, and as usual they were useless!!!! They never offered to help with any plans and we didn't see them until the wake. To add insult to injury, they left before the second session of the wake stating that they had to get home before it got to late!! THIS WAS THEIR GRANDSON!! IT SHOULDN'T HAVE MATTER IF THEY LIVED IN F'N TIMBUKTU!!!!!!
Well, ever since then I barely want anything to do with them. Granted they are very introverted and strange but I have never forgiven them for their behavior. They still have not even seen Julia and she is two months plus.
Furthermore, there is tension between me and DH's sister as well; one of the reason's being that she called a memorial Christmas card we did for our son a big FU to everybody. It made her uncomfortable that we sent out a card of our deceased son last holiday and she said some hurtful things.
Due to there being children involved (mine and theirs), I really have to go. I don't want to involve them, it is unfair. However, I am already dreading this.  Last year, we were still reeling from my son's death and it was awful. This year, I just want to spend my time enjoying my daughter and husband, sitting by the tree etc.. I want it to be special.
Any advice on how to get thru? Anybody have to deal with something similar, how do you cope?
|
Posted 12/17/09 11:46 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
wowcoulditbe
wow, pic is already 1 yr old!!
Member since 1/06 6689 total posts
Name:
D
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
no advice, just lots of  s...
on second thought, using exp. from my own parents , if you are this emotional about it, I say skip it....its not worth bringing your child into all of this and ultimately she will pick up on it from you anyway...skip it, enjoy her first christmas in a special way surrounded by those who supported you and/or just you guys....see them at easter!
good luck!
|
| Posted 12/17/09 11:51 PM |
| |
|
BnBdreamin
Gonna be a BIG Bro in April!
Member since 10/06 5913 total posts
Name:
Denise
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Oh gosh.... So sorry about this. I too would just stay home with my own new family and have a peaceful holiday. Any decent family would completely understand. Sounds like they wouldn't be understanding either way so why bother putting on the front. If you do go, keep the visit short.
I hope whatever you decision, you do have a peaceful holiday. 
|
| Posted 12/17/09 11:58 PM |
| |
|
monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by wowcoulditbe
no advice, just lots of s...
on second thought, using exp. from my own parents , if you are this emotional about it, I say skip it....its not worth bringing your child into all of this and ultimately she will pick up on it from you anyway...skip it, enjoy her first christmas in a special way surrounded by those who supported you and/or just you guys....see them at easter!
good luck!
I agree. You have a two month old you can come up with a million excuses as to why you can't make it last minute. Stay home, have peace and enjoy your holiday with your precious daughter and DH.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 12:06 AM |
| |
|
butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
 All i can say is your family is you, dh & child... if you and dh can agree to stay home - then do it.... if you feel like seeing them- then go just for dessert to limit your time....
have your inlaws met my mom or something? she showed up to the hospital the day he was born(which he ended up going into nicu-unexpected) then she didnt come back to the hospital or call to check on me, he had lung collapse, jaundice & bad pneumonia and i was almost held longer for the high blood pressure...... some people are just - if its not their way they throw a fit...its their loss, you'll still have the great memories of your baby growing up.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 12:21 AM |
| |
|
twinkletoes807
Mommy's Girls! ♥
Member since 11/07 10116 total posts
Name:
Gabi
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 12:39 AM |
| |
|
imyself
Member since 10/06 2938 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I say pull the swine fly card. Tell them the ped does not want the baby going to parties until after flu season.
eta
Message edited 12/18/2009 1:21:32 AM.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 1:21 AM |
| |
|
Domino
Always My Miracle
Member since 9/05 9923 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. All you have to do is run a search of my history with my ILs and you will know that mine are horrible people. While we havent really spoken to them in over 2 years, with the birth of our son, FIL has tried to mend some fences which DH is cautiously receptive to. MIL is still not there yet and has yet to meet her grandson, however I fear that will change shortly. For some reason I anticipate some sort of last minute x-mas invitation (they are notorious for this) to which we will have to decline and be made into the bad ones. Two years ago when all of this crap started happening, and the fights about who was going where, DH and I decided that we would ALWAYS do x-mas day (x-mas eve is spent with my family). We have agreed to open our home on x-mas day to whomever would like to come (if there is a small amt then I will do a sit down dinner, if there are a lot then we will do some sort of buffet). This way people are coming to US and I'll be damned if you make me feel uncomfortable in my own house. It is up to THEM to make an effort to come to ME and if they dont come then its on THEM. The first year we spent the day alone. Last year my parents came. This year my guest list is up to 8 people (still devoid of ILs so far). This was the only solution I could come up with that allowed me to maintain my sanity. The past two years have been BLISSFUL without the drama of my ILs in our lives and know that this upcoming year all of that will change and I cant say I'm happy about it one, crappy bit but I will be darned if I let them ruin my favorite holiday
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:08 AM |
| |
|
mom2aidan
2 boys & 1 girl :)
Member since 11/06 1874 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
ITA!
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:12 AM |
| |
|
Mommy2Boys
My Boys!!!!
Member since 6/06 14437 total posts
Name:
C
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by mom2aidan
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
ITA!
ITA!!!! In my eyes, what they did and how they treated you during the birth and death of your son is unforgiveable. It would take me YEARS to get over, if I ever did. My heart breaks for you  My heart breaks for your DH...I can't imagine how he feels knowing his own parents were there for him during that time.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:23 AM |
| |
|
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
OMG Kathleen
I think your SIL is an azz for saying ANYTHING negative about the memorial Christmas card and I think your ILs are bigger azzes for not seeing Julia yet. It doesn't matter if they live in China. They should have been there as soon as possible after she was born. I won't even get into their behavior when Liam was born
Even after all that, I think you're doing the right thing by going. But I would sit down with your DH beforehand and lay down some "ground rules." As in, the minute they start to make you too upset or uncomfortable, you leave. THe holidays are about sharing joy with family, not stressing about how unsupportive and critical his family is. I don't know how DH feels about his ILs but you and Julia are his family now, and I hope you can all come to some agreement about what is best for the 3 of you.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:27 AM |
| |
|
MrsBurtch525
Year for change!
Member since 1/09 6017 total posts
Name:
Taryn
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by monkeybride
Posted by wowcoulditbe
no advice, just lots of s...
on second thought, using exp. from my own parents , if you are this emotional about it, I say skip it....its not worth bringing your child into all of this and ultimately she will pick up on it from you anyway...skip it, enjoy her first christmas in a special way surrounded by those who supported you and/or just you guys....see them at easter!
good luck!
I agree. You have a two month old you can come up with a million excuses as to why you can't make it last minute. Stay home, have peace and enjoy your holiday with your precious daughter and DH.
Im sorry you are going through this...
I absolutely agree! This is your first christmas with your new baby girl, don't do anything that will stress you out or make you not enjoy this holiday with your family! I completely agree with you and i would have an extremely difficult time dealing aith the inlaws if they had that type of behavior during such a traumatic ordeal with a sick newborn. I see why you want tnothing to do with them but that's JMO. I saw skip it and enjoy your first christmas with your beautiful baby girl!! JMHO.
ETA: Have you talked to DH's sister about what she said about the memorial card?? She shouldn't have said such negative things about that, i think that was a good idea sending out a memorial card.
Message edited 12/18/2009 8:35:33 AM.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:31 AM |
| |
|
Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I am so mad when I read about your inlaws. That being said, I kind of would like to know how your DH feels about the whole thing. Does he know and realize how F'ed up the things they did are - or does he make excuses for them? Does he really want to spend Christmas with them? I think that if he does then I would go - for him - but I truly don't know how you even look them in the eyes. Such scum to do that to their only son, their first grandson, and now not even meeting their granddaughter two months later. It's all inexcusable behavior if you ask me.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:53 AM |
| |
|
pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by monkeybride
Posted by wowcoulditbe
no advice, just lots of s...
on second thought, using exp. from my own parents , if you are this emotional about it, I say skip it....its not worth bringing your child into all of this and ultimately she will pick up on it from you anyway...skip it, enjoy her first christmas in a special way surrounded by those who supported you and/or just you guys....see them at easter!
good luck!
I agree. You have a two month old you can come up with a million excuses as to why you can't make it last minute. Stay home, have peace and enjoy your holiday with your precious daughter and DH.
I agree, I would cut my losses at this point. You do not need that drama, they sound like wackos to me
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:58 AM |
| |
|
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I would refuse to subject myself to please everyone else when to this day, nobody cares or has showed you any mercy when you went through a tragic time in your life. They have not seen your NB daughter. Your daughter does not care.. she is too young! Obviously they don't care. So who are we kidding? The grandparents have not seen her yet. Your SIL is too "sensitive" or should I say "insensitive" about the Christmas card.
I would stay home with DH and DD and enjoy that 1st Christmas in a peaceful and relaxing time. Make "good" memories!!!!
|
| Posted 12/18/09 8:59 AM |
| |
|
JennyPenny
?
Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I really don't blame you one bit for not wanting to go. They sound awful! How does your DH feel? Does he want to go or stay home?
Whatever you decide- I hope you have a great Christmas
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:01 AM |
| |
|
Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Whoa your ILs sound like brutal people, TBH. Normally I look for the solution that will bring the most peace, but this just sounds like an impossible situation for you. Your poor DH, I cannot even imagine having family, PARENTS, that would ignore/talk shiit about the worst pain their child/brother could experience.
YOu definitely have an "out" since Julia is so young, if they don't like it they can suuck it.
BUT, and it's a big but, if your DH really wants to go to try to mend some fences, I understand that too, and you'll have to work together to come to terms with what you'll do so there are no surprises. Maybe spend 75% of Xmas day at home together; get to their place for dinner/gift exchange or whatever they do and leave IMMEDIATELY after. You should have the most beautiful Christmas this year with your precious little girl, your ILs are useless, but if DH wants to attend do it for his sake, which really is putting your little family first.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:10 AM |
| |
|
pickles16
Real Estate Professional
Member since 11/07 17227 total posts
Name:
Jen
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
ITA!!!
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:14 AM |
| |
|
DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
ITA with everything said here. If people want to see you or baby they can get off their azzes and come to you another time
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:15 AM |
| |
|
FranM
And so it goes....
Member since 9/05 2217 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
The only reason I would go is if DH really wanted to. Maybe compromise and go just for desert. Otherwise why make yourself upset on Christmas. Do what is best for your family.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:31 AM |
| |
|
mtnmama
Member since 5/06 4794 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I am so sorry for what has happened to you. If it was me, I would not be able to do it, I'd stay home, your DD is to young to care.
If your DH really really wanted to go, I would try to do it for his sake (but keep it as short a visit as possible). But if he is on the fence then I'd stay home.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:41 AM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Shame on them for being so hurtful and mean. I cannot believe how they have acted.
I agree with everyone and say that you all deserve a quiet and peaceful holiday without anyone causing stress. Don't let them spoil it for you!
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:51 AM |
| |
|
Wendy
Wheeee!
Member since 5/05 13736 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
It's probably easier said then done but I completely agree!!!
I am sick to my stomach reading your post about how awful they were  They should be ashamed of themselves.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 9:56 AM |
| |
|
Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
#1. How is sending a memorial card for the holidays last year a big "F U" to everyone? Your sil is a wacko.
#2. They made NO effort to be a part of your family's life with the terrible thing that happened to your son...to the birth of your daughter...they should be ashamed of themselves.
You should stay home with your family and celebrate together...no drama.
|
| Posted 12/18/09 10:02 AM |
| |
|
lorimarie
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 5/05 3753 total posts
Name:
Lori
|
Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I am so angry about reading about your DH's family - I am so sorry.
Honestly, I wouldn't go. You have your family and I would celebrate your first Christmas making your own traditions and memories for Julia. They've made no effort so why should you???
|
| Posted 12/18/09 10:15 AM |
| |
|
| Pages: [1] 2 |
