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kathleeng
Member since 5/05 3775 total posts
Name:
Kathleen
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
First of all, thank you all so much for your words of wisdom, comfort, advice etc..... It means a lot.
Second, a few of you have asked about DH. The thing with DH (and we have argued about this REPEATEDLY) is that this bizarro behavior is not suprising to him. He has been dealing with these nutjobs for 40 years now. He basically has not had a mother ever, she is so unstable. He definitely respects and understands how I feel but he doesn't know what more to do, they will never change.
I think the main reason DH wants us to go is because his father has been in ill health for the last few months. We don't know exactly what is going on with him but he has not been doing so well, recently lost a tremendous amount of weight. I think DH may be thinking this may be his last Christmas. Also, the kids!! My SIL's have 3 kids in total and they can't wait to see Julia, they are so excited about her arrival. They were all pretty freaked out by Liam's death, it is probably a comfort to them to see Julia now.
I think I will just limiit my time there, as a few of you suggested. I want to see my own family anyway. I am just going to focus on playing with Julia, taking a ton of pics in her pretty outfit etc... My plan is to act like my inlaws are not even there, to maybe just hang out with the kiddies.
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Posted 12/18/09 10:15 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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annoyedTTCer
LIF Adult
Member since 4/09 3272 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I have to be totally honest, these people would have been out of life from the day after Liam's funeral.
I would have cut them out 100% and not felt bad about it.
Stay home and enjoy the holidays with your REAL family.
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:17 AM |
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MrsS2005
Mom of 3
Member since 11/05 13118 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
This is your DD's first Christmas. You should be able to spend it how you want and not let others ruin the day for you. With such a young baby and being in the middle of the flu/cold season, you can certainly come up with an excuse not to go. 
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:21 AM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
First, many  and  for your loss
Wow, your DH's response is EXACTLY how my DH responds when I'm annoyed with the lack of involvement by his family....but they've gotten a bit better. He says he expects that from them, that's just how they are and we can't change it, even if we don't like it. But the fact that you've gone through such a horrible loss and that was their response makes me furious.  Like others said, I would go for a VERY short time for the kids' sake and for your DH, that's it. It sucks that even though they do crappy things, we still want to do the right thing. I would totally not want to go (and not ever see them again), but purely for the sake of the kids and DH, I would keep minimal contact, and expect nothing from them. I'm sorry you have to deal with this....like you need more stress after having lost your son
Stay strong, no matter how hard it is
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:24 AM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by Diana1215
I am so mad when I read about your inlaws. That being said, I kind of would like to know how your DH feels about the whole thing. Does he know and realize how F'ed up the things they did are - or does he make excuses for them? Does he really want to spend Christmas with them? I think that if he does then I would go - for him - but I truly don't know how you even look them in the eyes. Such scum to do that to their only son, their first grandson, and now not even meeting their granddaughter two months later. It's all inexcusable behavior if you ask me.
I completely agree with this. I'm all in favor of you NOT going. Kids pick up on tension and if people suck, sometimes it's just better if they're not exposed.
I have issues with some people in my DH's family (certainly not to the same extent) and he's given me the option of us not spending Christmas Eve with them. The ONLY reason we're not staying home is that it would hurt him not to see his mother - and she's done nothing wrong to me or my DD.
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:29 AM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
AMEN!
That's horrible what they put you through and I dont blame you for holding those transgressions fresh in your mind. They are unforgivable. I say skip it.
Think of it as them living in another state and you just couldnt make it. Afterall, it seems they live in their own world anyway. 
My MIL didnt call me until AJ was 4months old and only to ask me to make thanksgiving dinner .... I moved to Texas without even a blink of care and frankly she didnt seem to care so much I was taking her oldest son and only grandchild away. So scrrew 'em.
Holiday is about family and love .. not strangers and animosity. This is not a loving environment.
And btw.. SHAME on the SIL for actually saying that to you about your card. How heartless! 
Im angry FOR YOU!
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:37 AM |
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jellybean78
:)
Member since 8/06 13103 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by monkeybride
Posted by wowcoulditbe
no advice, just lots of s...
on second thought, using exp. from my own parents , if you are this emotional about it, I say skip it....its not worth bringing your child into all of this and ultimately she will pick up on it from you anyway...skip it, enjoy her first christmas in a special way surrounded by those who supported you and/or just you guys....see them at easter!
good luck!
I agree. You have a two month old you can come up with a million excuses as to why you can't make it last minute. Stay home, have peace and enjoy your holiday with your precious daughter and DH.
I agree.
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:37 AM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I cannot believe on top of all the trauma you have suffered that you had to endure the shameful behavior of your in-laws. I understand what it's like to not want to spend time with ILs and I have two pieces of advice for you....well 3....
1-arrive late
2-leave early
3-drink lots of wine.....
And try to have a Merry Christmas, make it special for yourself even if others won't.....
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:39 AM |
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
Agreed. It's too bad that DH's dad isn't doing well, but maybe he could go see him on his own. Your SIL especially does not deserve any effort from you.
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| Posted 12/18/09 10:58 AM |
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lakadema
LIF Adult
Member since 5/08 1180 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I am so sorry but I literally began hysterically crying reading your post. The pain you have gone through is beyond to me.
That behavior is unforgivable without an apology. You lost your child and this is how people treat you?
I would spend my Christmas home with my child and DH, and remembering your little angel in heaven.
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| Posted 12/18/09 11:07 AM |
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CellarDweller
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 1562 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
OMG, that is awful. I totally would skip it. It's your holiday too and that sounds like a horrible way to spend it imho.
I'm normally one to say, when it's family, you do what you have to and just go. But, when it comes to that level of disrespect surrounding the loss of a loved one, I find that unforgiveable.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday no matter what you decide to do.
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| Posted 12/18/09 11:21 AM |
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MrsList
Sweet cheeks
Member since 4/09 1696 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I am SO sorry you have to be cursed with these people in order to be married to someone you love.
I'm heartless so I would say you know what, FIL wasn't there for us when we needed him, so he can just go ahead and have his last Christmas by himself. People who make no effort for me and my family GET no effort from me and my family.
I hope whatever you decide, you have a nice Christmas with your daughter. Luckily, she's so young that she won't really remember and hopefully you can work out something for next Christmas that will be better for you.
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| Posted 12/18/09 11:24 AM |
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Ladybug3
Two is better than one!!!
Member since 12/07 4474 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I think that you should just stay home and be with your DH and DD.
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| Posted 12/18/09 11:45 AM |
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pinky
Twin Moms Do Everything Twice
Member since 5/05 9612 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
Completely agree~
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| Posted 12/18/09 12:14 PM |
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Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by kathleeng
I think the main reason DH wants us to go is because his father has been in ill health for the last few months. We don't know exactly what is going on with him but he has not been doing so well, recently lost a tremendous amount of weight. I think DH may be thinking this may be his last Christmas. Also, the kids!! My SIL's have 3 kids in total and they can't wait to see Julia, they are so excited about her arrival. They were all pretty freaked out by Liam's death, it is probably a comfort to them to see Julia now.
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Kathleen, you are amazing. Seriously. I can see how your DH would still want to go; unfortunately to him their behavior seems "normal" so I'm sure he's not as thrown by it And if your FIL is not well, this holiday might have more meaning for DH, even though to us, he doesn't "deserve" mercy or empathy. Your DH has to live with the consequences of not going if something *does* happen so I'm sure that's on his mind.
So if you do decide to go, DH gets to have time with his parents, and Julia gets to meet her 3 cousins, which is a great thing. This new generation deserve to be a part of each other's lives, and they get a clean slate to work with.
It's incredibly selfless of you to put DH and Julia ahead of you, knowing what you've gone through. And your DH must be amaaaazing to have overcome a handicap like this family and become a strong and loving family man.
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| Posted 12/18/09 1:22 PM |
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JennyPenny
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Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by colette
Posted by kathleeng
I think the main reason DH wants us to go is because his father has been in ill health for the last few months. We don't know exactly what is going on with him but he has not been doing so well, recently lost a tremendous amount of weight. I think DH may be thinking this may be his last Christmas. Also, the kids!! My SIL's have 3 kids in total and they can't wait to see Julia, they are so excited about her arrival. They were all pretty freaked out by Liam's death, it is probably a comfort to them to see Julia now.
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Kathleen, you are amazing. Seriously. I can see how your DH would still want to go; unfortunately to him their behavior seems "normal" so I'm sure he's not as thrown by it And if your FIL is not well, this holiday might have more meaning for DH, even though to us, he doesn't "deserve" mercy or empathy. Your DH has to live with the consequences of not going if something *does* happen so I'm sure that's on his mind.
So if you do decide to go, DH gets to have time with his parents, and Julia gets to meet her 3 cousins, which is a great thing. This new generation deserve to be a part of each other's lives, and they get a clean slate to work with.
It's incredibly selfless of you to put DH and Julia ahead of you, knowing what you've gone through. And your DH must be amaaaazing to have overcome a handicap like this family and become a strong and loving family man.
ITA.
I think you should go for the reasons posted, but like you said- spend your time acquainting Julia and her cousins. Keep the visit as short as possible and remind your DH that you will want to leave if made to feel uncomfortable.
Good luck
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| Posted 12/18/09 1:47 PM |
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NinaLemon
It's a boy!!!
Member since 10/07 6453 total posts
Name:
Jeannine
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
Posted by twinkletoes807
Honey, you and DH have been to hell and back this past year and a half. Fuuck the inlaws and their Christmas shindig. Stay home, enjoy DH and Julia, and give yourself what you deserve... peace and joy.
ITA!
I am so sorry for your loss
After how your ILs treated you and your son I would have totally written them off. I accept a lot and let alot slide of my back but that behaviour is so hurtful and just wrong.
Enjoy this year with your DH and DD and maybe next revisit if you are feeling up to starting a relationship with them.
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| Posted 12/18/09 2:48 PM |
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bonitachyc
big sister status may 2012!!
Member since 5/08 3242 total posts
Name:
Lupe
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
how much would they really miss you if they haven't even the courtesy to visit you and your 2 month old dd? i say skip it and enjoy a holiday for a change.
what does your DH think?
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| Posted 12/18/09 3:00 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
My sons died an hour after birth almost 17 years ago....
Neither my ex or his parents have brought them up in almost as long...
Yet I grieve for them every day...
It took me years to accept the fact that they chose to deal with their death by ignoring the fact that there were once 2 little boys named Jonathen Hunter & Andrew Thayer...
Ive learned over the years that unless you yourself have dealt with the death of child you cant possibly know what it's like...
I have mourned each little ones passing since...Liam's, Rogans, etc. More b/c I knew your pain and felt your sadness.
Go to your ILs and enjoy yourself as much as possible. Bring up Liam when it feels right and make sure everyone remembers that there was once a beautiful little boy named Liam who now has a very big job of being Julia's guardian angel. If it makes them feel uncomfortable....That's just too bad.
Message edited 12/18/2009 3:50:44 PM.
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| Posted 12/18/09 3:42 PM |
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NW2006
LIF Adolescent
Member since 7/06 535 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My DH and I don't have the closest family's and I've been there with situations like yours. How I handle it is this - we've decided to not let the traditional "we have to see the family and grin and bear it for the holidays" rule us. We decide who is mportant to us and who we want in our children's lives, and who we want them to be around/be influenced by. I do not want my boys to ever think what certain family members do is ok, so we choose to no longer be around those people. You have to do what you feel is important for YOUR family. I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your new little one and god bless your little angel.
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| Posted 12/18/09 3:58 PM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
I am so frustrated for you right now.
If it were me, I would send your nieces and nephews their gifts so they do not feel forgotten. I would then stay home with my DH and DC and enjoy the day together.
You don't need to explain yourself to them, they haven't had the decency to be there for you.
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| Posted 12/18/09 4:03 PM |
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MeganMylo
LIF Adult
Member since 2/09 1128 total posts
Name:
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
What does DH think? If he is open to skipping it, SKIP IT!
Tell them it's too far a ride for your LO, since it is apparently too far for them.....
of course I am @ my wits end with my In Laws, so I might be a little jaded......
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| Posted 12/18/09 4:13 PM |
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Elizabeth
Mom of Three
Member since 9/05 7900 total posts
Name:
"MOMMY!!!"
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Re: Part advice needed/part vent regarding Christmas with the inlaws... (Long)
It takes a lot for me to be willing to put my 2 cents in when it comes to on line stuff esp involving families that I don't know but if anyone treated me like that after the loss of my child, I would be hard pressed to want to ever spend any time with them again. Ever. That's seriously effed up, the whole thing between your ILs and your SIL's comments over your card. I'm sorry... I don't even know what else to say except I cannot blame you for not wanting to spend the holidays with any of them. What does your DH say about the whole thing?
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| Posted 12/18/09 4:48 PM |
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