Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My mom will be taking care of our baby once I go back to work after maternity leave (3 months after I give birth). I know I am very lucky, but I also know from friends of mine that when your parents take care of your kids its a whole other set of issues. I was wondering for those of you in the same situation if you had any tips?

The baby is due in July and I was thinking of having my mother take care of her at our place until the Winter is over (to avoid bundling her up and having to take her out in the cold and snow early in the morning and in the evening and also so she can get bigger). Then once April hits I would take her to my parents and drop her off before work and pick her up after. Does this sounds like a good idea? Please be honest I have no clue what to do.

In general both of my parents can be clingy and tend to try to get way too involved (and are REALLY opinionated) so I want to make sure we start off doing this the right way.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My ILS watch DS, currently 5 days per week but I am changing to PT soon so they will still have him 3 days. Anyway here are my pros and cons

Pros: They love him almost as much as I do, He gets all the attention he needs and then some, I never have to worry about a dirty diaper goign unchanged or anything like that. He spends lots of time around his little cousins, he is out constantly to the store, for walks etc. I dont have to worry about rushing to pick him up, or get him ready in the AM (they pick him up in the am at our house - I pick him up from their house in the PM) No day care costs

Cons: They don't always follow my desires (example, I would love DS on a napping schedule, they let DS nap whenever they think he is tired, so he is a horrible napper; also for 2 months they wouldnt swaddle, "its like a baby straight jacket" so they could only get DS to nap if they held him, so then on the weekends I wouldn't hold him to nap, so we went some days with no naps), its much more sensitive subject when telling them how you want things done. They don't always check with me on things before doing them (they gave DS a teething cookie without asking), they tell me everything he does which makes me feel more guilty about what I am missing.

My advice, is to be open with your mom. You have the benefit I dont have, my ILs watch the baby, and although I am very close to them, if it was my mom I would have more freedom to speak my mind in my way, with my ILs my DH makes me feel like I am hurting THEIR feelings and he keeps reminding me what a huge favor they are doing us.

So, tell your mom how you want to run things but be flexible and pick your battles. Some things are not as important to fight over. I keep telling them to swaddle him, and he would sleep, but I never pushed it. Then one day they tried it and they were able to have him take a nap without holding him.

Also be honest with her when something hurts your feelings, many of our mothers can't understand the guilt we feel as Working moms because they didnt do that. So although I havent had this conversation yet, I plan on asking my ILs kindly not to tell me EVERYTHING he does, as it makes me feel worse for missing the first time he rolls over or something.

And to make your life easier, give them a stash of clothes, diapers, bibs, extra formula, extra bottle, toys, etc so you dont have to worry as about packing much on a daily basis. I pack DSs bag each night with 2 changes of clothes, 3 bibs, 2 burp cloths and a light jacket. Then each week I give them a clean blanket, wash cloth. When we started I bought a 6 pack of 8 oz cans of RTF formula 1 extra 4oz & 1 8 oz bottle and 1 pkg of liners in each size. Even though I give them bottles each day I like that they have extra just in case. Since we started food they also have a bowl, spoon dedicated for DS and a box of cereal and some fruits. (although I send them with the veggie or fruit I want them to use each day.


Sorry this is long let me know if you have any other questions

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

I have both my mother and mother-in-law watch DD, and trust me that in itself is 2 whole different sets of issues.

They both watch her in my home, since neither one lives very close, it's easier than having to pack her up every day, plus this way she has all her toys at the house, her own crib, etc. Plus my father-in-law is a very heavy smoker so I don't like her spending too much time in that house, even though he doesn't smoke around her, I'm sure it still lingers in the air from when she's not around.

My mother feels like my home is her home. She takes what she wants, goes through what she wants, moves what she wants, etc. It is VERY frustruating and annoying!!!!! I try and just suck up because I need her to babysit, but it really makes you feel like your house is not your own.

My mother-in-law is VERY respectful of our hosue, but is very traditional. Her beliefs in child rearing are VERY different than mine. For example, she's right now learning how to walk. We have mostly hardwood floors. Her ped. told me we should let her learn barefoot as that will be the easiest. I have explained this to her numerous times, but every morning she puts socks and little shoes on DD, no matter if it is 90 degrees out. DD now eats basically table food, so it wasn't a big deal, but before that she constantly wanted to feed DD everything in sight even though I had asked her not to.

The most frustruating thing is that you don't know what they are doing with her when you're not there (although I guess that rings true with daycare as well). In the end, I guess it's all worth it as we don't have the expense of daycare, plus I give mom's a lot of credit who drop their children off at daycare, as I do not think I would be able to do it.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps!

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

I think the winter idea of your mom coming to you is a great idea.. that way also if the weather is really bad you dont have to drive with the baby.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My ILs watch DD 5 days a week.

Pros: Save on daycare costs. She is being watched by people who really love her. I don't have to rush out of work everyday to make sure I'm there at a certain time (although I do leave most days at 5pm so I'm there by 5:20)

Cons: They are my ILs so I don't feel comfortable really talking to them about issues (which I guess is my problem not theirs). They are older and I feel like they do what's easier for them during the day. For example my MIL told me a couple of weeks ago that the only way they could get DD to sleep was to put her in the stroller and wheel her around. We were afraid this was going to cause a problem with her sleeping for us but it didn't so I never said anything.

As a PP said, learn to pick your battles. Be open and honest with your mom from the beginning as to what your expectations are. We keep a set of bottles, blankets, a couple of outfits, formula, cereal, fruits/veggies at ILs house so i don't have to drag the stuff back and forth. Realize they may not do things exactly as you want them, but they should respect your wishes on the big things.

HTH

ETA: I bring her to their house every day, but they have said they would come to us if she is sick. In bad weather I would still have to bring her to them. They don't liive close and MIL doesn't drive so it's not an option having them come to us. I think if your mom is willing to come to your house that would be a good idea.

Message edited 6/18/2008 3:54:54 PM.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My mother is going to watch DS when I go back to work and she is also very opinionated and old school.

What I have found that helps is that she comes over here a lot (I'm still on maternity leave) and tries to tell me what to do, but I'll show her my way of doing it and at first she fought it, but once she saw that DS was doing fine, she would back off a bit.

I think fighting whatever battles you can now, will help when you go back. If possible, have them spend as much time with you and the baby before you go back.

I'm not sure yet how it will work out, but hopefully, my mom will see that it is okay to do things my way instead of hers.

As for the winter thing, I think it's a great idea to have them come to your house.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My mom watches my son every day for me and I wouldn't have it any way. I know that he is getting 100% of her time and 1000% of her love. He is also learning Greek which is huge for me. I can work late if needed and don't have to worry about getting out on time to pick up baby. I have also left him with her a few times overnight when I have to go on business trips. Makes our lives so much easier! I bought a full crib and all the accessories for her and make sure that she has diapers, formula, etc. She spoils him rotten and I love that.

I think having your mom come to you in the winter would be great. As you said, the baby can be warm and at home rather than having to be woken and driven somewhere.

The only advise I can give you - is don't sweat the small things and don't get hung up if she doesn't do things exactly the way you would. Of course she has to respect your wishes, but if she varies a bit... I really is OK. I would get frustrated at first but then realized that my mom knows what she is doing. After all, she did raise me and my brother.

Good luck! I think you are very lucky to have you mom around

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

Having them watch the baby at your house, just be ready for comments on whatever is happening at your house--will they look at your mail, comment if your closet is messy, ask why there are dishes in the sink, move things?

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

I have my MIL watch DD usually 3 days a week (their house) & my mom watch her the 2 other days (usually every week, sometimes every other).

Pros: Like the others said, to have family watch her, having someone love her as much as they do & take such interest in her. Not having to rush from work to get her; to have a flexible sked; to know she is their only priority (not having 2-3 or more other children there); if she's sick, I feel confident in their ability to care for her.

Cons: More so w/ my IL's....they don't always follow what I would like done...I tell them her nap sked & sometimes find her going on walks during nap time ("Oh I thought she'd fall asleep in the stroller) or she'll have comments on what I feed her ("Oh she's having yogurt again"). It was also hard in the beginning b/c she was against picking her up when she cried (as a newborn...) b/c "you'll spoil her"---thankfully the first 3 months I had her FT & kept saying, you can't spoil a newborn. She also was against my nursing/pumping & would make comments & didn't understand why I was delaying her solid food until 6 months. So, be ready for comments/opinions & pick your battles, you're the mom & you know best.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My mom watches DS 5 days a week for us in our house and it has been the best experience I could have ever asked for. I trust my mom with DS as much as I trust myself and don't have any issues with her in any respect. Hopefully it will be just as easy for you!

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

I was not lucky enough to have parents watch my child all the time and sent ds to daycare. what I have learned...they don't do it my way either, so I guess I can accept that my mom or in-laws won't either.

My mom and inlaws so babysit for me when I am at work for my new baby. Set down the big rules stating it as coming straight from pediatrician..."my ped said no solids" and then I learned to let less important stuff slide. Good advice to pick your battles.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

My Father and Fil watch DS....absolutley great! Yes there are days I want to bash my head against the wall but I think it is really bc I am not home myself. Pick your battles - def- and remember stress the important stuff. Mine has always been no nuts! That is my thing. I tell them when he should sleep and eat and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. When I get home there are no tears, no blood, so I say it is a good day!

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

We never got to do it because we moved, but my SMIL was going to watch DS had we stayed in the city.

We had planned on giving her a pack and play, a car seat and a booster or high chair when the time came. We'd provide formula/baby food/diapers/wipes.

But we'd be paying her very little. Also, we always knew that she'd be driving DS all over the world b/c she has kids too (my BIL is 11, my SILs are 14 and 17) and we were ok with that. That is something you have to think about too.

Your plan sounds good, but I'd just be very open with your mom..also, I'd pay her something b/c it is harder to cancel on something with money b/c it becomes more of a business deal in that regard.

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

I can say my mother was a gift to us. She watched Em at our house. As the weather got nice I'd sometimes dropped her off in the morning and then her and my dad would take her back or Id pick her up. My Mom always asked me what I wanted done and never tried to take control over anything. If she wasn't sure how I wanted something done she'd ask. I can;t tell you how lucky we were. I never worried about Emma because I knew that she was in the BEST hands!

Re: Question RE: Grandparents taking care of baby

Both of my parents watch DD. They each take two days and share a day (Mom works part time).

We started off with them coming to my house in the beginning because I needed someone to watch DD while I got ready (I was learning how to do things with a baby around)

Now I bring DD to them every morning, I eat breakfast with them and do my makeup there and then go to work (five minutes from my parents' house).

Pros: My parents take great care of DD. Each of them gives her so much love and teaches her different things. I am amazed at how she is flourishing under their care and I am amazed at my dad and how he has stepped up to the task, poopy diapers and all We also save a lot of money and I know they listen to my requests about sleep, food, and other stuff.

Cons: Sometimes I think my mom is too attached and I usually spend some time at my parents' house in the afternoon after work (before going home) and if I decide to go home before my mom gets home from work (on one of Dad's days), I get guilt about it.

Overall, I wouldn't trade my arrangement for the world!