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sometimesmommy
Always in my heart.....
Member since 11/06 6686 total posts
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Sensitive topic-Sick Child
DH's cousin has a toddler who has brain damage and is totally unresponsive. She will be 3 this summer and has been in the hospital since she was 7 mths old at least. She started out a normal baby but one day she just stopped being responsive. She has all sorts of issues with her brain and fontanelle closing too quickly. ANyways her mom wont sign the DNR (Do not resucitate (spl). A part of me understands but there is another part of me that feels she needs to let go and stop prolonging the inevitable-
She wants us to agree with her decision but I have been avoiding the topic..I cant say I agree and I am a bad liar.if it were me I would sign it. I can say this whole heartedly. I feel my opinion is best unsaid but she wants to talk about it cause I have DD and looking for advice----
Message edited 2/6/2009 11:45:27 PM.
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Posted 2/6/09 11:43 PM  |
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mcl916
my two loves
Member since 10/06 5133 total posts
Name:
Megan
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Oh that is terrible, I'm so sorry she is in that position and I can't honestly say what I would do if I were in her shoes.
I know looking in from the outside AND being in healthcare I am a huge advocate of the DNR. What we do to some people is cruel and inhumane. *I* would never want to live like that. However, I just don't know that if it were my child that I would be able to let go and if I did I really can't even imagine the guilt and torment involved 
What have the doctors advised her to do? And what is the ultimate prognosis? Is she on a ventilator? Any other life support?
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| Posted 2/7/09 12:35 AM |
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waterspout4
My loves
Member since 5/06 19150 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
My heart breaks for her. I seriously don't know what I'd do if it were my child. DH and I have discussed it for ourselves, but not for DS. I don't blame her for not wanting to let go.
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| Posted 2/7/09 1:42 AM |
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sometimesmommy
Always in my heart.....
Member since 11/06 6686 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by mcl916
Oh that is terrible, I'm so sorry she is in that position and I can't honestly say what I would do if I were in her shoes.
I know looking in from the outside AND being in healthcare I am a huge advocate of the DNR. What we do to some people is cruel and inhumane. *I* would never want to live like that. However, I just don't know that if it were my child that I would be able to let go and if I did I really can't even imagine the guilt and torment involved
What have the doctors advised her to do? And what is the ultimate prognosis? Is she on a ventilator? Any other life support?
Right now she has a feeding tube before she had a vent and they lost her a few times but the older she gots the more stable to breathe somewhat independently . She has little brain activity and I beleive she has damage/fluid by her brain stem. Sometimes tears run out of her eyes (blank, empty stare) MIL says but basically she just lays there unless Physical Therapy comes to visit and do therapy. They are trying to help prevent bed sores etc---The prognosis is she will NEVER resume function not even remotely. Drs. basically want her to sign so that if anything happens they can let her pass in peace. Shes been to Snyders and they transferrered her after a few months for a hospital that will take her long term since there is nothing they could do.
I understand what you mean about the guilt--During my last pregnancy when DD was showing signs of IUGR the doctor discussed the possibility of having to make a choice of terminating at 24 weeks luckily turned out it was just because she wasnt getting nutrition but hubby and I had decided that if it didnt improve we would have ended the pregnancy. IT WAS HELL and oh was it sweet relief when we didnt have to go through with it.
I think the only way she will beging to gieve is if she passes naturally--the family has prayed for this if God isnt able to grant a miracle.
We have been close to her shoes but not exact, I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Message edited 2/7/2009 1:48:29 AM.
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| Posted 2/7/09 1:44 AM |
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GenLCSW
Baby # 3 is here!!!
Member since 7/05 21138 total posts
Name:
Genna
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
what a horrible situation to be in In theory I would say that I would sign a DNR however if I was actually in the situation, I really couldnt say what to do...I dont know if I could let go My prayers to her and her DC 
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| Posted 2/7/09 6:30 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
If asked directly - and only if asked directly, I think I would say "I'd let my child rest in peace and sign a DNR."
I can't imagine the heartached involved in the decision but a prognosis of no recovery isn't one I'd want myself or my child to have to live with. While I think it's only something you'd know how you felt if youw ere in that situation, I hope I'd realize at one point, it was more selfishness on my part for refusing to let go versus the life in pain & heavily medicated for the dc
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| Posted 2/7/09 6:44 AM |
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Lillykat
going along for the ride...
Member since 5/05 16253 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
That is such a sad story. Unfortunately, while I would say I would sign it now - I don't know if faced in a similar situation I would be able to do it. It is easy to say what I would do but when faced in a particular situation I might find that I feel differently.
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| Posted 2/7/09 8:36 AM |
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Calla
My girls
Member since 7/05 4303 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
She has asked for your opinion. I'd respond in a way to validate her feelings but to be honest. Along the lines of, "I'm so impressed by your strength through all of this. You have been such a great mother to this baby and have done everything you can to help her. But now I think it is time to stop fighting and just help her be comfortable."
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| Posted 2/7/09 8:45 AM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
what a terrible choice. I can say from today, in my seat, I would hope that I would be able to let go and let my child rest in peace, that is no life for a child
BUT, I really do not know if I were in her shoes that I would have the strength to do that
what a terrible situation
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| Posted 2/7/09 9:02 AM |
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browneyedgirl
family is all that matters
Member since 6/06 6513 total posts
Name:
browneyes
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by nrthshgrl
If asked directly - and only if asked directly, I think I would say "I'd let my child rest in peace and sign a DNR."
I can't imagine the heartache involved in the decision but a prognosis of no recovery isn't one I'd want myself or my child to have to live with. While I think it's only something you'd know how you felt if youw ere in that situation, I hope I'd realize at one point, it was more selfishness on my part for refusing to let go versus the life in pain & heavily medicated for the dc
i agree. i would say the same thing to her.
she's probably looking for your support and knows what an impossible decision this is for any mother. since this is her child, she alone gets to make the decision, but it will be easier on her to know her family supports what she decides. you may not agree, but that doesn't mean you can't support her decision.
no matter what she decides, the outcome isn't good. it's hard enough losing your child, but not having the support of your family makes it so much worse.
i feel so badly for her and her family.
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| Posted 2/7/09 9:29 AM |
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kerrycec03
Mom of 2 beautiful boys!!
Member since 6/06 13519 total posts
Name:
Kerry
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by waterspout4
My heart breaks for her. I seriously don't know what I'd do if it were my child. DH and I have discussed it for ourselves, but not for DS. I don't blame her for not wanting to let go.
My thoughts too. I can't even fatham what I would do.
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| Posted 2/7/09 9:30 AM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Is it possible for you to answer the question without answering the question?
Sometimes, when faced with this type of thing, sometimes telling a story or anecdote might suffice....
Tell her the story of Taylor with the IUGR...maybe it will be enough.
KWIM?
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| Posted 2/7/09 9:42 AM |
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sometimesmommy
Always in my heart.....
Member since 11/06 6686 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by browneyedgirl
Posted by nrthshgrl
If asked directly - and only if asked directly, I think I would say "I'd let my child rest in peace and sign a DNR."
I can't imagine the heartache involved in the decision but a prognosis of no recovery isn't one I'd want myself or my child to have to live with. While I think it's only something you'd know how you felt if youw ere in that situation, I hope I'd realize at one point, it was more selfishness on my part for refusing to let go versus the life in pain & heavily medicated for the dc
i agree. i would say the same thing to her.
she's probably looking for your support and knows what an impossible decision this is for any mother. since this is her child, she alone gets to make the decision, but it will be easier on her to know her family supports what she decides. you may not agree, but that doesn't mean you can't support her decision.
no matter what she decides, the outcome isn't good. it's hard enough losing your child, but not having the support of your family makes it so much worse.
i feel so badly for her and her family.
She knows she has support from the family--we've been living this for over two years and are there when she cries and vents, I think she is looking for me to support her decision not to sign (I do understand but I know I would recommend not signing and I am scared of the outcome of that conversation.
I do like the sugestions of many of the ladies but emotionally I dont know if I can communicate as eloquently. I also dont want to influence her in anyway cause I dont want her to come back and say I made the decision because of YOU since we relate to each other the most
Message edited 2/7/2009 10:19:14 AM.
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| Posted 2/7/09 10:12 AM |
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sometimesmommy
Always in my heart.....
Member since 11/06 6686 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by hbugal
Is it possible for you to answer the question without answering the question?
Sometimes, when faced with this type of thing, sometimes telling a story or anecdote might suffice....
Tell her the story of Taylor with the IUGR...maybe it will be enough.
KWIM?
Thats what I did but instead of focusing on the part where we would have chosen to end the pregnancy out of mercy she focused on Taylor beating the odds so it turned into HOPE...
I just wish for closure for her.
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| Posted 2/7/09 10:16 AM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by sometimesmommy
Posted by hbugal
Is it possible for you to answer the question without answering the question?
Sometimes, when faced with this type of thing, sometimes telling a story or anecdote might suffice....
Tell her the story of Taylor with the IUGR...maybe it will be enough.
KWIM?
Thats what I did but instead of focusing on the part where we would have chosen to end the pregnancy out of mercy she focused on Taylor beating the odds so it turned into HOPE...
I just wish for closure for her.
I dont really know how to explain it....
But the one thing I cannot imagine. Is how would you leave the room after the child had died...With my sons the choice was kind of made for me. I didnt have a choice. But I just cant imagine having to completely let go....
Im sure she knows that her DC is gone. But she just hasnt gotten to the point yet where she can walk out of that room forever...KWIM?
How do you say that last, forever, goodbye? Never touch them again...never smell them again...never ever....I cant imagine being able to do it. I could sign the DNR...I could...but I dont know how I could ever ever ever say that last goodbye...
And this is coming from someone who has lost a child...
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| Posted 2/7/09 10:46 AM |
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Gosh, I feel so bad for her...I truly can't imagine...
My advice, tell her the same. Tell her your heart breaks for her every moment...tell her you can't imagine how she feels...tell her because you can't imagine it, you truly don't know what to tell her regarding the DNR, because in the end this isn't your child and faced with the same situation you just don't know what you would do...
Maybe it's a lie, but one that may be necessary so you feel you didn't lead her in a direction that she may resent you for later...
In the end it is her decision, and hers alone, no matter what anyone says to her...
I'm so so sorry...
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| Posted 2/7/09 11:49 AM |
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divamommy
LIF Toddler
Member since 10/08 450 total posts
Name:
krystal
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
I've said this on here before: Last July I gave my mom a kidney and while everything went well w/ the transplant initially, in Sept. dh took my mom for a regular doc visit & he pulled her trach tube out and she wasn't ready. 20 mins later she had a heart attack in the office & died. Since I was at work, my dh told them to bring her back. They did and it took 45 mins. She was practically brain dead. For the next 2 months she was unresponsive and in a coma. I had a hard time letting go I did sign the DNR papers b/c after hoping and praying I realized that my mom (and my best friend) had no quality of life.
The part that people forget is what a toll it takes on the family. I practically lived at the hospital. The ups and downs of it all can take a toll on relationships, your mental and physical well being. I think this is what you should point out to your cousin. Her life will be more fufilling and peaceful. The baby will be at rest. The sooner you let go the sooner you can start healing. I was the person who took my mom off lifesupport and while it hurts every day not to have her here I couldn't stand watching her suffer.
I would imagine the reason she is asking for opinions is because she might actually want to sign it but needs support and confirmation that it is ok. You wouldn't believe how many ppl said to me, "oh i could never pull the plug or sign a piece of paper, etc.." but they weren't in my shoes.
Good luck.
xoxoxo
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| Posted 2/7/09 12:09 PM |
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ABCiverson
<3 my family
Member since 1/06 7465 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Sensitive topic-Sick Child
Posted by nrthshgrl
If asked directly - and only if asked directly, I think I would say "I'd let my child rest in peace and sign a DNR."
ITA.
We had to make the decision to take our son off life support. We made the decision fast. We knew he was brain dead and we hated seeing him that way so for us it was an 'easy' decision(I say easy because I can't think of the correct term, it was by no means easy to let him go).
We could tell by the doctors responses that most parents don't come to that decision so fast.
We didn't ask our families opinions, but if we did I would have hoped that they would have told us how they really felt. Even if it wasn't the same as the decision we made. When you are wrapped up in that hell you don't always think rationally. Maybe they need some outsiders opinions to help them decide.
I do know that feeling of not wanting to let go. While my DH and I made the decision I did think about keeping my son alive, even brain dead. I thought "I could still see him 'grow'" and I could hold him and touch him. 4 years later I know those weren't realistic ideas but at the moment I almost got wrapped up in them and almost made a selfish decision.
Just be honest with her.
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| Posted 2/7/09 12:13 PM |
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