SM Situation---please help!

I have a stepson who will be 18 in 8 months. He has been in DH’s custody since the age of 8. Since he has been in DH’s care, he’s had no boundaries and zero rules. I can go on in great length but, I’m trying to keep this short. My point is he’s a spoiled brat and he will go to great lengths to get what he wants. He has no job, wrecked the car his dad bought him, is a pathological liar and has terrible grades. I’ve tried to help establish rules and boundaries (with DH’s approval) along with a relationship but, it’s backfired in my face and now he hates living at home (he hasn’t said this, but his actions show it). He’s already tried to go to his mom’s and he spends all of his free time at his girlfriend’s house.

Over the course of 10 months he’s disrespected me, lied to me, snuck behind my back and taken advantage and all the while he had a smile on his face (nothing has any affect on him). After having several conversations with stepson about how I feel and getting nowhere, I’ve come to my limit. I’m tired of getting hurt by him when I’m only looking out for his best interest. I’ve expressed my feelings to DH and while he validates my feelings he really doesn’t help the situation.

My question is…….how do I establish a “real” relationship with him when he can’t be trusted? Whenever I express concern, I’m asking too may questions, Whenever he lies and I want to punish him for it, I’m evil? It’s very hard for me to be myself around him after what he’s done to me and his dad (very disrespectful) and I don’t have the authority nor want the authority to correct him. He’s not my son. Although, I've treated him as my son, he wants no part of it.

I really do care for him and only want the best for him but, after all that I’ve done for him and the treatment I’ve gotten I’m beginning to care less what happens to him at this point in time. DH is sensing that I’ve reached my limit and I feel terrible to do this to him. Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.

Re: SM Situation---please help!

No real advice other than to sitdown and "have it out" as a family. I know exactly what you are going through, you pretty much just describes my SS although he does not live with us. Alot of it does sound like "typical" spoiled teenager behavior. I think your DH needs to step it up a bit and start teaching him how to act like a man instead of a spoiled kid. Easier said than done, I know. Many to you.

BTW ~ Are you new to the boards? If so, welcome!

Re: SM Situation---please help!

Yes, I'm new to the board and thank you.

We've already tried to talk it out as a family and I think the only thing that would help is if DH joined in my efforts into trying to mold this boy into a man but, if DH doesn't want to, I can't make him. What do I do in the meantime?

Re: SM Situation---please help!

Honestly, I think it is up to your DH to tackle this one, especially considering the age of your SS. I really don't see how you can get him to respect your opinion or authority if your DH doesn't back you up; right now it seems like he's is allowing you to be the bad guy. It would be really sad to have to give up on him, but you need the support and follow through of your DH.

Your SS is an adult at this point, there is only so much you can do. Perhaps it's time he lost finacial support and tries to support himself, maybe that would snap the spoiled out of him.

Good Luck

Re: SM Situation---please help!

When I tell you that nothing has an affect on him, I mean it. NOTHING!!!

I've talked to my DH until I was blue in the face. While we agree on most things...we butt heads on others. I''ve advised DH on what to do and he doesn't follow through with it. I've already told both of them that b/c I wasn't getting the support from either of them I no longer will make decisions so, he needs to just ask his dad for everything. It's very frustrating to me so, I stop getting involved and yet DH comes to me for advice and I want to scream!!!!

What do I have to do to make him see how unfair this is to me? I understand that it's a package deal but, not this.
I no longer want to fight with my DH about this. We've just got married for god's sake and what's brought it up again was while we were away on our honeymoon, SS did everything he wasn't supposed to and DH did nothing about it. When I asked him why he said that it's typical tennage behavior and if he punishes him for that then, he won't want to be around us anymore.
WHAT??

Message edited 10/29/2008 2:13:30 PM.

Re: SM Situation---please help!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately your DH sounds like mine - he never disciplined him before, and the behavior continued to get worse as he got older - and here you are today - with an ilmannered young man on your hands. I honestly don't have any advice since I had a similar post recently with my SD. DH needs to let him know that he needs to respect you and your home and your rules whether he likes them or not and stand by that 100%. Again I know what you are going through, SD doesn't like our rules and basically ran away from home back to her mother's house while visiting. We also found out she went through our drawers and pesonal belongings - DH did nothing about it. It is very hard to "force" them to respect you when they don't have the respect in the first place.

Re: SM Situation---please help!

Re: SM Situation---please help!

I've tried telling him that the only one he is hurting is his son. SS is going to be lost in the adult world and I'm afraid for him. But, I can only imagine what it feels like for DH to feel 2nd best. DH took him away from his mother b/c she had a serious drug problem, SS missed weeks of school and was clinically malnourished. She lives her life off of the state welfare system and has yet to really show any concern until I entered the picture. Another thing that gets me but, SS still chooses his mom over his dad and I even after dad took him out of that situation and provided him with everything he could possibly need.
Mom may not provide him things like an iPhone or Wii or a car but, she lets him do whatever he wants and that's all he cares about.

Re: SM Situation---please help!

I imagine it must be very tough entering a situation with a child (almost adult age), who apparently is set in his ways...As some PP have said, a lot of the changes need to be brought forward by your DH unfortunately, mainly in regards to the respect or lack there of that is being shown towards you by SS...Instilling morals in him is probably just going to make him resent you more at the age he is at- so without your DH at the helm, its not going to work- especially given the fact that it sounds like SS has lived in this pattern for quite some time already...Hopefully he matures and can see the big picture that you are only looking out for him, but until then, you may have to take the back seat ( as far as the disciplining) The disrespect issue needs to be addressed though- because that is unacceptable at any age ...

Re: SM Situation---please help!

my sd is only 15 but i've been dealing with a similar situation. my best advice is to let it go. i love her but i have minimal contact with her when she's here if she's here. i say hello, how are you and that's it. i don't lecture i don't question i don't involve myself and she seems to respond more to me when i'm doing this. if she's inappropriate with me i just walk away instead of give her the reaction that she's looking for. i know deep down she knows i love her because she sees how i am with the other kids but i won't give her the satisfaction of making me upset. i give kudos to all of us who are dealing with stepkids because in addition to the hard times with dh, we need to deal with the hard times of our stepchildren. and no matter what, we don't get the respect that their own mother gets. its something we have to live with.

Re: SM Situation---please help!

It's hard to let it go since I think you said SS lives with you? It is not like you only see him a few times a year where you can TRY (not that you should have to) ignore it. I tried that approach with SD once, but I just found that it was a silent message that it was okay to talk to me that way because there were no consequences. Your DH needs to acknowledge you as his wife and partner and needs to have a talk with SS and get that message across him.

Good Luck!