Small Update - What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

I know this is a strange question to ask but I find myself in a difficult situation.

My DH’s mother was diagnosed with cancer just over a week ago. She has multiple myeloma, a blood cancer for which there is no cure; pt’s are treated to get them into remission but reoccurrence is inevitable and health complications ensue. Prognosis is 5 years.

I saw DH cry when he found out (not from his mom) that his mother had cancer. I have seen him cry only twice in the 15 years I’ve known him. Since those initial tears he has remained stoic. He rarely mentions it and told me that he is trying to remain positive. I am worried about him. They are meeting with an oncologist tomorrow.

DH has no siblings and doesn’t really have close family members; he does have an aunt and uncle although the relationships are strained. Also, his mother effectively made sure that he had no contact with his father’s family (that’s another post). He has me, our infant son, and my family. I am very worried for him, for the heartache and pain he will endure. I wonder what goes through his mind these days. I imagine he thinks about losing her but what else might he be thinking? I worry that he feels he’ll alone in the world as he will have almost no links to blood-family. I cry when I think about what he will feel when he allows himself to think.

Since he’s not really opening up, I was hoping someone who has unfortunately experienced something similar can give me an idea of what he may be thinking and feeling so that I can be prepared to support him in any and every way I can. I just feel so helpless.

ETA: We went to the 1st oncology apptmt yesterday. Really overwhelming for MIL and DH was clearly sad but stayed strong. Bone marrow biopsy for definitive diagnosis is today and she starts chemotherapy in a little less than 2 weeks. It was great advice to bring a notebook and write - i was able to do that for them and it helped bc it's amazing how difficult it is to keep track of everything and remember it later. I had a chance to privately talk to the oncologist as we walked away to make apptmts and i asked him about prognosis, not great overall but some people manage to beat the odds for longer period of time. He told me he talks more about that at the next apptmt. Will be going to that one too but I think that one will be more difficult. Thanks again everyone, I've already experienced a glimpse of how difficult this is on a family.

Message edited 3/3/2011 11:33:59 AM.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Give him time.. He is processing what's going on... Would he be willing to go to therapy or join a support group..

I am so very sorry about your MIL.. I will pray for her!

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

First I want to send may to your family.

My mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 10 years ago and I lost my sister (26) to cancer 3 years ago there are many things that go through your head. From a child whos parent is sick the first thing you think of is that you are losing your mom. That they only stable thing in your life is going to be gone and what am I going to do. (At the time I was single) but I would think of is that my mom will not know my children and my children will never know her..I am sure you get the idea.

I would say give him time. Cancer is what I can a family diesease because it effects everyone in the family. It is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions and events. She will go to the Dr and get great reports and then she will get reports that will rip your heart out. She will have days that she feels like "normal" and other days she cant move. Its a rollercoaster your hopes go up and down and it is just draining.

Just be there for him. I wasnt much of a person to talk much but just having someone who knows matters. That if I wanted to cry I didnt have to go into all of the details...

I hope that she is comfortable and happy and that your DH takes advantage of the time and you dont put anything off...this should be standard in all of our lives but its just not always possible.

Again my prayers are with your family.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

My mom was diagnosed with MM in 2007 and had her treatment at the end of that year and doing well from it. Please FM me with questions. With MM you can have several treatments when/if it comes back.

Where will your MIL be treated? It's a very rare blood cancer.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

I'm so sorry. Many .

It's not easy.
My mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2002 and ultimately died of it in 2004, just about two years later.

Uterine cancer is fatal in only 10% of the women who get it, so of course I thought my mom would be in the 90%.
When her remission ended and we found out that she was terminal, it was devastating. But she swore that she would beat it, and trooped thru her chemo treatments and blood transfusions. I went to every appointment with her, and became her caregiver. My sister had two young children to take care of, and my dad was in denial about my mom's illness.

I just put on a brave face and dealt with what I had to. At night was when I fell apart, hiding in my closet to cry so that no one could hear me. DH (we weren't married yet) didn't understand and couldn't help me.

Two months after I buried my mom, my MIL was diagnosed with lung cancer, which she battled for 4 years before losing. DH finally understood.

I think that Mrs Sunflwr said it best " the first thing you think of is that you are losing your mom". It's mommy and she is sick.

Be there for your DH. His mom will have good days and bad days, take each day one at a time.
If he needs a support group, there are many available.

Just enjoy every day possible.

Many prayers for your family.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

DH's grandfather, who is his role model was just diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer and he has taken it really hard, we spent most of the ride home from the hospital Sunday talking about him growing up with his grandfather and all the memories he has of him, i think it helped him, he seems more stronger about dealing with it. It takes alot to hear a diagnosis like that.

Im so sorry! Many prayers for your family!

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

I have no advise to give you... but wanted to offer you and your family many prayers!

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

So sorry to hear this. I don't have much advice but as an only child, if I were in his position given the situation, I'd be using my spouse as my support which would not make me feel alone. I don't think I could feel alone going through it with my DH. Just be there for him :)

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Thanks everyone for the prayers, helpful words, and FM's. It means a lot to me. I am having a hard time dealing with this because I love my DH so much and it just hurts me that he will have so much pain. I can't even imagine what he will go through and feel. I feel for my MIL too of course; we have had our differences but now I feel that I owe it to her and her son, my DH, to help in anyway I can; making apptmts, encouraging words, anything, everything. I will put in place everyone's suggestions. It helps to see that people have been through such difficult times and have come through it. Thank you again.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Awww, sweetheart, many prayers, for all!!!! Mary

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2005 and passed away in 2007. I cried at first, but then I just rationalized it in my head, that everyone has to die and my father just needs to go sooner then most people. I didn't shed a tear from when he got his final diagnosis until well after his funeral and he was buried. I actually have just started dealing with it within the past year or so, so maybe he is just rationalizing it and put it out of his mind. It can consume your every thought, so while it was happening, I just put it in the back of my head and tried not to think about it.

Prayers to you and DH. I hope his mom makes a full recovery.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

When we found out about my mom's cancer, stage 4 pancreatic, everyone was so hopeful of a mircale, a cure, her somehow beating this... but me I am very realistic and I knew this was going to be the end. My mom and I were best friends. It took about 2 weeks of "grieving" when I first found out, and then I knew I had to put on my brave/happy face for her sake. Those first two weeks I was thinking of childhood memories, funny memories from the past 9we had a lot!), thinking about future events she would be missing from (birth of future children, my brothers wedding, etc), thinking how she would have been the BEST grandmother and how my kids wouldnt even get to know her, having very bad dreams about her wake/funeral and what it would be like, and since I am the "protector" in my family - thinking how my brother would handles it, my sister, my grandparents, etc. It has been 20 months and I still miss her so much every day. Its not an easy thing to go through.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

My Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in March or 2007 and Died in May of 2007. At first I shut down and didnt want to talk about it to anyone. All I wanted to do was be by her side! All I focused on was making her as happy as I could and being there for her 100%. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to deal with. I never thought that I would lose my mom when I was 30

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this!

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

So sorry to hear this. My sister in law had MM and passed in 93.. Geraldine Ferraro also was diagnosed with MM in 1998 and is still alive. She has a MM website if oyu want any info.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

I am so sorry your family is going through this.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in November. So far she is doing "well" but on Friday we get the results of her first follow-up PET scan to see how she is responding to Tarceva.

I am just putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to think about it but be there for her as much as I can.

If the results are not good on Friday I don't know what I will do.

But, I always have tended to be this way- just "doing" instead of "feeling". Everyone reacts differently I guess.

I am sorry your family has to go through this- my prayers are with you and your DH.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Posted by casey31

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in November. So far she is doing "well" but on Friday we get the results of her first follow-up PET scan to see how she is responding to Tarceva.

I am just putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to think about it but be there for her as much as I can.

If the results are not good on Friday I don't know what I will do.

But, I always have tended to be this way- just "doing" instead of "feeling". Everyone reacts differently I guess.

I am sorry your family has to go through this- my prayers are with you and your DH.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Posted by THUMPER

So sorry to hear this. My sister in law had MM and passed in 93.. Geraldine Ferraro also was diagnosed with MM in 1998 and is still alive. She has a MM website if oyu want any info.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

There's a lot of information to digest at the first and subsequent onconologist meetings.

My suggestion : take a notebook and make notes about treatment options and anything you think might be of importance. You listen, because MIL probably won't hear half of what the doctor will say. It's just the natural shock reaction.

I did not do it for my mom.
When MIL got sick, I started from the very beginning because I became involved in her care. DH and FIL couldn't/didn't want to deal with it, their shock and denial reactions.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

First off, so sorry.


When I first found out (my Mom wouldn't tell me I called the doctor), I was angry. I didn't cry until I actually saw him sick and had to take care of him.

I think it's normal for him to be stoic. Just be there for him to listen. That's what my husband did and it was the best thing he could of done.

Family also gets weird at this time so get ready for a bumpy ride.

I still have nightmares of seeing him so ill. I was actually happy when he died because I wanted the pain to end for him.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

I lost both my parents to cancer before I was 24.....

The best advice I can give it to just be there...Be a 2nd set of ears at her doctors appointments if you can, realize if your DH is quiet or moody it is not personal against you and that his mind is probably racing with a million thoughts, hug him for no" reason" yet don't pity him.

This is a hard one to balance but be postive without blowing smoke if you can (theres nothing more frusturaing for me than when someone would pretend my mom was going to be "alright")

Overall just let him know that you are together in this and always will be

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

Thanks for this info, it gave me some hope. I looked up the meds G. Ferraro is on and each injection costs upwards of $1,000, and you need several and several courses. But, at least I know there is something out there and some hope. Thanks. Sorry about your SIL

Thank You

Just wanted to share some "good news" about MM. I hope her insurance will cover whatever she needs and she lives a long time. Just be there and understand the moods of your poor hubby. Keep us informed of her progress.

Re: What goes through someone’s mind when a parent is diagnosed with cancer? (Long)

its one of the hardest things to know a parent is diagnosed with an uncurable disease.

i lost my father to cancer when i was 18 yrs old.. the drs gave us no hope and 3 months from the day he was diagnosed he passed away. i am one of 4. my older sister had a newborn and was pregnant again so she kinda did her own thing. my other sister helped as much as she could taking care of my grandmother, house and bills - my brother was in complete denial - my mother was in denial and doesnt speak great english so i was the one who went to the drs and hospitals and translated everything to my mother and family.

out of all of us my brother remained stoic.. my sisters, mother and i broke down often- of course not in front of my father, but behind closed doors and with each other. My brother dealt with it completely different than the rest of us.. I never even saw him cry at his funeral - he just got very withdrawn and quiet.
it was his way of dealing with my father being very sick and knowing he was dying. Give ur dh time.. be there for him.. know he cares tremendously and this is such a difficult thing to go thru.

Many prayers to you and ur dh family.