So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

the husband and I dated for about 12 years (with breaks here and there) before we got married.

from about year FOUR, up until our engagement was announced, we (or rather I) was asked constantly "so, when are you getting married" "what are you guys waiting for"..blah blah blah.

I resorted to telling people I was against marriage. completely. b/c they almost made me feel that way.

Now that we've been married about 18 months, the question "when are you having kids" has replaced "when are you getting married" and I find it VERY annoying for the most part.

Why is it anyone's business? why do quasi-strangers and work acquaintences feel it is "OK" to ask such a question?

I have begun telling people I am not ready to give up my body...or I hate children....or I NEVER want them, b/c they are pissing me off, and I feel that telling them "I don't know" or "not yet" leaves a door open for further questioning.

Part of me feels like saying "none of your damned business" but the other part thinks that is too obnoxious, even for me...

I wonder if I ask others these questions (without first knowing them or their plans) I really hope I don't.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

i agree so annoying then when you have the first one they will ask so when you having number 2? LOL
then after two they will say are you having anymore kids?
IT NEVER ENDS!

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Guess what?

you have a kid, and its - when are you having another?

We are always being asked - when are you buying a house? We are like - "when you give us the downpayment!"

People want to rush you thru your life to get to the next step.

No one is happy seeing someone else just BE. Just living their life the way they want.

Baffling, isn't it????

Sooooo.... when ARE you having a kid??? (j/k )

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

i think its pretty much a conversation filler.. people dont like silence so they just say the most generic thing ... like talking about the weather... when people ask me questions like that i make a joke back or start talking about the weather :)

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Ugh, this never ends. Even when you have a kid, you just get a reprieve for a year or so until they ask when you're having another one!

I haven't figured out the best answer to these questions, I usually just mentally try to remind myself that usually (except for close family and friends) they aren't really interested in the answer, it's just the natual next question to ask. So I just say whatever I can to change the subject. I think before I got pregnant my standard answer was "maybe in a few years, we're in no hurry, I want to enjoy some married life with my DH before we think about having any kids." That holds them off, plus it doesn't give them a guaranteed yes that I would even have kids.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Stock answer..."why do you want to know."

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

I dont think it ever stops...Like Liza said, Once you have a kid, they ask, when is #2?

I just say, Im not ready.

And I also think people just expect it..Marriage,House, kids...means family.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

No, I don't think the questioning ever ends, unfortunately. I'm not exactly sure WHY people think that something as PERSONAL as having children is a topic that should be asked of a married couple casually.. but I think there is a mentality that if you get married, you are *supposed* to have children.. and that is a huge assumption to make..

Noone truly knows what your situation or circumstances are. You might not want kids EVER.. you might not be able to afford them at the current time. BUT what's even worse... how does anyone know if any couple is having trouble conceiving or infertility issues.. maybe they've just suffered a miscarriage or loss.. MAYBE they DO want children but it's just not happening for them. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound I have too many good friends who have gone through infertility and want nothing more than to answer that question with the answer that they ARE pregnant.. but just hearing the questions over and over can kill you when what you most want is something you cannot seem to obtain..

So while it might be an 'innocent' question.. people really should think of those things before asking any couple "soo, when are you going to have kids".. Seriously

Message edited 10/22/2007 12:16:43 PM.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

We were married 7 years when our DD came along. I cannot even tell you how many times we were asked that question I feel your pain

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

my answer?

"ill let u know when he leaves it in.."

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

A friend of ours, who was also recently married was always on our back. You'd think that him being in the same situation would make him understand and not ask so much. But he did, so I took someone's cue from here and one time he asked us again over dinner and I gave him the famous line...

"Well, not anytime soon, considering I prefer it in the ...".

A fork and some jaws dropped at the table, and they never asked again.

But then again that this is the type of friend that it's OK to do this too, considering we joke alot. I was asked not to do this at the holiday dinner table with family - booo.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

I definitely think it's a conversation filler, but I don't think that makes it excusable. When people ask me, I just smile and say, "When it happens, you'll be the first to know." I'm not being outright rude, but they usually get the picture.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

know what I find the worst about that question?

Not saying you are, but what if you guys are trying, and not being successful?

I NEVER EVER ask a married couple if they want kids, or when they plan on having kids for that reason. My thinking is, well - 1st of all, its none of my business, and asking if people are trying for kids is also asking them if they are having sex, which is icky to me... but also, why would I want to subject someone to heartache and pain with a question like that if they are trying and having difficulties....

Don't people ever friggin THINK anymore????

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

A family friend asked us this and I looked him right in the eye and said "well since you are so nosy I'll tell you that we aren't trying. I know of SEVERAL couples that are trying to have kids and I know the horrors of what they are trying to deal with. Now imagine you had asked one of them, do you really think your nosiness if worth their heartache?"

If my words will make just one person think their callous words over, than I am happy.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Posted by FeliciaDP

No, I don't think the questioning ever ends, unfortunately. I'm not exactly sure WHY people think that something as PERSONAL as having children is a topic that should be asked of a married couple casually.. but I think there is a mentality that if you get married, you are *supposed* to have children.. and that is a huge assumption to make..

Noone truly knows what your situation or circumstances are. You might not want kids EVER.. you might not be able to afford them at the current time. BUT what's even worse... how does anyone know if any couple is having trouble conceiving or infertility issues.. maybe they've just suffered a miscarriage or loss.. MAYBE they DO want children but it's just not happening for then. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound

People really should think of those things before asking any couple "when are you going to have kids".. Seriously

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Great minds Liza.....

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

oh man I can totally relate. I love the ones that tell me I'm not getting any younger and it might be harder for me to get pregnant if I wait too much longer. Hello it's none of your business maybe we dont want kids or maybe we are having issues ttc.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

i get asked the "when are you having a baby?" question at least once a day. and i absolutely dread family functions now because of this question! i feel like thats the only thing they want to talk about! i'm only 29 and yes i would love to have a baby! but i dont think its any of their business when we plan to do so or why i'm waiting for the time being.

does it ever occur to them that i would LOVE to have a baby right now, but due to certain circumstances, i cant yet? that everytime they ask me this question i just want to cry? because my heart and body are literally screaming to have a baby but DH and i arent financially ready for that yet (we want to move to a house first). i just wish they would all stop.

Message edited 10/22/2007 12:43:18 PM.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Posted by BJandDan

Great minds Liza.....

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

Don't you remember when you were engaged, people making comments on your dress, your planning, etc...

It will never ends. Then if you are PG, it's why do you have a c-section, why not, why do you want to know the sex, why not..

Then once you have the kid, are you BFing, why not? Is he sleeping in his crib, your bed, in his own bedroom, don't you want to be a SAHM, are you having another one, how many, when, aren't you getting too old, etc...

You see, it does not matter what the topic is. People are noisy.

I think I used to ask those stupid questions when I was younger. I know better now. That's none of my business.

Re: So, seriously, does the questioning EVER end?

The rudeness does not end!
I get a lot of rude comments/questions regarding kids because of my career. I am an attorney that works long hours. I receive so many rude comments because I WANT (not NEED) to continue to work after I have kids - the HORROR! So I get questions like:

Rude Person: Are you going to stay home when you have kids or go part-time?

Me: No, I am going to continue working full time.

Rude Person (with an incredulous look on their face): So, where are you going to work?

Me: Um, the same job I am at right now - I am really happy here.

Rude Person (making an obnoxious face): You can't continue to work those hours and have a kid! Don't you want to stay home?

Me: No, I don't want to stay home. Actually, we decided that DH is going to find a more family friendly job or possibly stay home.

Rude Person (with complete look of horror on their face): And you would be fine with that?

Me: Why not?

You can see how the conversations go! Or, people make "suggestions" for what I should do work-wise when I have kids- such as:

Rude Person: You can always stay home an do real estate closings on the side.

Me: Um - maybe if I was a real estate attorney, but I am a commercial litigator.