Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

I should probably post this on the relationship board but I need the feedback of parents, new parents.

My Dh and I have not been on very good terms since our DD was born, you can even say since I was pregnant. We'll have our good days but I would say overall its bad. Let me start by saying that my DD wasnt planned, he didnt want babies for at least another 2-3 years but said he was "so happy" when I told him I was preggo. The entire pregnancy he was complaining that there was limited to no sex. I was REALLY sick the 1st trimester, I could barely function and 3rd trimester I was so swollen and I just wasnt in the mood!!! He was not understanding about it at all. He said "Im taking his rights away from him". When I delievered I made sure that the Dr. said no sex for 6 weeks in front of him so he would understand that it is a medical necessity!!! @ 5 weeks he was ansy and bugging me EVERYDAY!!! When it comes to my DH, if there is enough sex he is happy and pleasant to be around, if not he is sooo mean and we will fight all the time. I feel like his love is conditional. Its amazing the difference in our relationship when we are having sex and were not.

My DD is almost 12 weeks old, I do EVERYTHING for her, everything. I have nobody to help me, I am home alone with her 24/7 all day, everday and I will be until she is about 6 months old. Dont get me wrong I LOVE her but I need help from him and he doesnt give it, I feel like im going to pass out sometimes. Im lucky if I get to shower most days, cook something for us to eat and keep up with this apartment. He says he works 12 hours a day and when he comes home he wants to "wind down". Great. I would love to wind down too but I cant. He comes home @ 7-8 everyday.... the baby sleeps at 8:30-9pm... why cant you spend 30 mintes to an hour with the baby? Yes usually she is screaming her head off @ this hour but what does that mean? You cant calm her/hold her?? What makes him think I can? HELP ME!! Just cause he works full-time doesnt mean you can be a part-time dad!! To make things worse is the sex situation. I am not in the mood because you dont help me, Im tired!

Last week there was a neighbors kids b-day party that I promised her we would be there... because we didnt have sex for a couple days and I was "avoiding him" he wouldnt go... I was literally begging him crying hysterically cause I didnt want us to look bad in front of these people. After 2 hours and my eyes being swollen, he went. If we had sex I garuntee he would have went no problem! It shoudnt be like that, no?!? He is punishing me?

Im SICK of him making me feel like I am not good enough/not doing my part. He calls me today and says "its not like you take care of the apt. anyway, the house is a mess! and let me guess there is no dinner today?" omg, yes its a mess because I cant clean up after you as well. Why are your clothes on the floor all the time?!? Are you my 2nd child?

A few days ago he wanted to go out to eat so he said ask your mom is she can watch the baby, Ill be home by 6:30, try to be ready". I called my mom, she agreed to watch the baby... I got the diaper bag ready, did my hair/makeup and was sitting pumping a bottle for the baby. He looks at me @ 7 and says (while im pumping) "omg its already 7, just forget it, its late already"... !?!?! Im pumping to provide nutrition for your daughter you jerk! I called my mom and cancelled, washed my face, put on my Pj's and went to bed. Why cant he realize that we have a baby now, it takes TIME to leave the house, we cant just get up and leave like we used to when it was just the two of us!

Yesterday he told me "well, the good news is that it cant get any worse than this". Then yesterday I was checking his phone (yes I check his phone) and this girl Gina ( someone he took grad classes with) texted him saying "hey how is everything, hows fatherhood treating you, lol? We should meet up one day for lunch.... where is your branch located?" I was literally about to scream. What the hell is happening to us? Why cant he just be happy? Why cant I have unconditional love whether im in the mood that day or not? Today I texted him "why dont you take gina out, sounds like she's desperate to eat out with you". I know that was bad but im at my breaking point.

Im sorry if this is so long, I just never thought we would ever get to this point. I look at my daughter and think isnt she supposed to bring us together?

ETA: I dont know what im looking for, advice I guess? Maybe your experience as a new family. Thanks in advance

**Update-- I posted again on the 2nd page-- we talked, not so productive.

Message edited 11/4/2010 5:13:49 PM.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

I think you guys need to sit down and have a serious talk about all this. Having a baby can be really tough! I am in no way saying your DH is right, but it can be really hard for men to not get the same attention they used to. I'm sure you both have some feelings you need to discuss.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Our marriage was strained until maybe 6m after we had the baby. I had a very miserable pregnancy and then I was completely overwhelmed once the baby arrived. DS also had some medical problems, which added to the stress. After we were getting good sleep again and got used to be parents, our marriage was wonderful again...that is until I got pregnant again. I am again a miserable preggers. At least this time I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I promise it does get better.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

yes a child is supposed to bring you together, but dont forget, like the first year of marriage or living together, its hard before it gets easier.

This is not an easy transition on either of you. But it sounds like he is probably more selfish.
My only advice is to sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Tell him how you feel his love is conditional and talk about what you both feel is a good sex life vs not. What would make you both happy. Also talk about how YOU need more help, caring for a NB is not easy and most men dont understand that until you drop the baby in there arms and say I will be back in a few hours, Good Luck.

If he wont talk to you then tell him, he is wrong things CAN get worse and they WILL if you dont communicate, and that if he wont talk to you one on one you will call a therapist for you both to go see.

GL!

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Re: Strain on our relationship...

I never realized I married a selfish man until I brought home our baby.

Halloween is big for us, our "family" anniversary of sorts. He takes off the week to celebrate.
why?
Because it took this nut 10 mos to realize that our new life as 3 could be fun if he let it be.
10 mos.
Of his neediness, excuses, he is so tired, he doesn't want more kids, he misses me, he is hungry, i am not the same...over and over again.
Finally I was like leave me and the baby alone, you are wrecking this time of my life that i will never get back again.

You are spread thin. You have to sleep with him though. I know others won't agree, but it has to happen.

i personally would text gina and tell her to eff off. I have done it in the past. A girl from his job kept calling my house for nonsense. I invited her out to lunch one day and told her I am on to her, don't call my house and leave him alone.

He was shocked I did that. He did not really care, he just said everyone at work will now think I am crazy. I said good.

So, 10 mos later, halloween. I dressed up my lion and said bye, we are going trick or treating. He said why? baby is too little.
I said have fun staying home.
He found us an hour later and had a great night with us.
Seriously...10 mos-finally a breakthrough.

But I did have sex for those 10 mos. I felt like a wife then and not a roommate.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

I understand 100% what you wrote, and could have written this post when I had DS and then again with DD. I don't think your DH gets that having a kid takes work. Is he being selfish, yes. I know how utterly exhausted you are, but you need to sit down with your DH and talk to him. He does not get that he needs to share you. I would tell him that if he gave you the 20 minutes you needed to get showered/ready for the day it would go a long way to helping you feel better about yourself. Which will help both of you regain your intimacy. Good luck!

Re: Strain on our relationship...

First 6-8 months after ds we were done. Emotionally, physically you name it done. It sucked. I kept thinking, this was "supposed" to be a happy lovey dovey time for us. NOT. We were stuck in Nc with no family around to help, both home all day ( he worked from home) and I swear I would cry myself to sleep daily because I hated us. I literally came to ny for a bah party and thought about NOT going back to the stress and Nasty life I was living. We moved back to ny in June of 09. Things still sucked. I told him I was going to kill someone. I knew it was hormonal, ppd and just plain old tired. I went and had some acupuncture and sat him down and laid all my cards down. I cried, screamed I may have even threw somethings. I just wanted SOME, ANY help. 10 mins to shower or poop alone if I needed it. I said this is hard on me. I was handed this child sent home to fend for ourselves and live this life.

Dh was used to me catering to his every need and whim. That changes when a child is involved. He didn't dig it. To bad. Manup and help me and I will be willing to "take one for the team" but the team needs help.after a few months and a night to myself things got better.


It's hard, they say the first year is the worst, they are right. You need to tell dh get a grip, and if he would like to stay home all day and do what you do for a week, he is more than welcome. It is the TOUGHEST thing I have ever done.

Good luck to you. Talk to him..

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Re: Strain on our relationship...

as far as pulling a janice... more like 3 mins, not 3 hours.

he would kill me, but with an 8 month old, we literally had a quickie this week while i was washing my hair! like really, shampoo in my hair, multitasking

Re: Strain on our relationship...

some girls on here will say baby brought them closer together.

I don't understand it...at all.

we will never again be who we were. I let that dream die out a long time ago. We were trying to get us back and it wasn't going to happen.

So now we are a new. It is a nice relationship, a different one, but a nice one.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Posted by Janice

as far as pulling a janice... more like 3 mins, not 3 hours.

he would kill me, but with an 8 month old, we literally had a quickie this week while i was washing my hair! like really, shampoo in my hair, multitasking

Re: Strain on our relationship...

I was so sick and tired during both pregnancies. DH was such a D!ck during my first pregnancy. first 6 months really rough. DH was a crank, and me too. I think it's just such a huge adjustment for any couple , the problems are very common after 6 months things started getting better.

as for physical relations, I'm not in the mood either, our 2nd DS is 5 months old, i'm tired and would rather sleep but when we do get "together" I'm glad we did and he is in a good mood for days, how simple these guys are

I wou;d be angry about "gina" as well, you guys really need to sit and chat about what is ok with you and what you will not tolerate.

since your mom was babysitting that night, you should have went out to the bookstore by yourself and let him stay home

Re: Strain on our relationship...

I wish that I had advice for you, but I just have hugs

I am still too scared to DTD more than three months pp. I don't know how much longer DH is going to be a good sport. . . but I think my time is running out

ETA: my DH has ZERO respect for me as a SAHM, ZERO. If I am home, I am expected to do EVERYTHING. I return to work tomorrow and TODAY he started to help me "bc he knows how hard it will be to be a working mother"

How about how hard it was to be a mom to a newborn? working or not?

Message edited 11/3/2010 6:37:01 PM.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

The year after Logan was born was TRAUMA on my marriage.

It got so bad we almost separated.

I couldn't get why he wasn't doing more. He couldn't get why I needed so much help.

It got easier when we did a couple things:

1. We made a schedule. We listed all the things that NEEDED to be done around the house and for DS. And we divided the responsibilities evenly.

That meant that at least 3 nights a week he was in charge of bath and bedtime. Gave me a recharge.

We had clarity around stuff and it made such a difference in the nitpicking.

2. I made sure to get some me time. Whether it was when he was doing bath and bed I would go get a manicure or just take a really long walk. I found that disconnecting myself from Logan for a little while helped me feel more woman and less mom. Which then also helped me feel more in the mood.

3. We spent time together alone. A couple dinners, a hotel night for the weekend, it made a huge impact. The deal was no arguing, no serious talks and no baby talk. Made us feel more human.


It's really really really hard. And so many other moms were saying how great it was and how they were more in love than ever and I felt like an uber-failure.

Especially because it took us almost 2 years and IVF to have him. But I neglected the toll that took on us too.

Good luck.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.

Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?

I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

You just had a baby and it's probably the biggest thing you will ever do as a couple. It causes such a strain on a marriage. There's the worry, anxiety, sleep deprivation, stress...the list goes on and on of the things you need to endure when you have a child.

I believe that most men do not have the ability to adapt to being a parent the way most women do. Their lives change, but not the way our lives change. The can pretty much come and go as they please. We can't. There are so many things that are unbalanced between being a mother and a father. Moms remember every little thing. Dads - not so much.

You got some great advice on this thread.

Talk to your husband. Explain how you feel.

You have to have sex with him. It will make you both feel better in the long run.

Take time from the baby. Go out to dinner. The movies. If you don't have a sitter then once the baby goes to bed open up a bottle of wine, order in some Chinese and rent a movie on Demand.

My DH was very similar to yours in that the amount that we had sex really has an impact on his mood. It was an endless fight in the beginning. Looking back now I should have just given in more and things would have been easier. But, I was tired, felt gross, still hated my body - I just wasn't in the mood.

It does get better - I promise!

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Posted by usuk2004

Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.

Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?

I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

The first 6-8 mos was HELL for us..but to I do think your DH is taking it a bit to a higher level to be honest

Re: Strain on our relationship...

the ladies before me said everything perfectly!!

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Since having our in June our marriage has been strained also, for much of the same reasons you all have mentioned. Reading these threads really make me feel better to know that I m not the only one!

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Re: Strain on our relationship...

Posted by Peainapod

Posted by usuk2004

Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.

Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?

I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.

I completely agree with this. IM perturbed by his holding sex over your head and being a F**** baby over not getting any. thats the problem here. Not you taking one for the team, or sucking iit up and getting it on.

It seems like even if you sat him down and talked to him about how overwhelmed you are and how you need his help, that he's not going to get it. He seems very selfish. Its a 2 way street. Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works.

I agree that after we had DS our lives totally changed and we were not ready for how much it changed. Sex has been nonexistant most times. Its very hard to get back on track.

but i find his behavior to be childish and selfish.