Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

OK, so I told him this exact thing yesterday. Ill pump a lot of milk and leave her with you all day sat & sun. Ill go get a facial (which I have never done once in my life), nails, etc. then go to my moms house for the night. Maybe then you will understand what I do all day.

His response: Well how is that fair? If you want to make it fair, leave her with me all day and go work for 12 hours. When im gone all day im not getting facials or shopping, Im working like a dog.

Ugh, I just cant win with ANY points im trying to make I feel like im talking to the wall.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

DH would always say to me, I'd love to stay home with her all day while you go to work. Mind you I did work, I worked a high stress long hour job, and I knew nothing compared to being home with DD. When he said that to me my blood would boil, seriously boil...So one day I left him, left him for a long time with her...What did I come home too, her sitting in a diaper so full of pee that it had exploded and she was attempting to eat the little gel crystals from the diaper Since then, he has not given me once ounce of problems, actually now, he tells me I need to a break and to go out and do something for myself.
As for the sex part, I'm sorry but I think he's out of control, DH was lucky if he got it 1x a week that early on. While I see Janice's point compleltely and I agree with her to an extent, I do think he has major issues, and is acting like an azz and needs to either grow up or seek counseling, bc YOU are NOT wrong here!!!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by MrsProfessor

Posted by usuk2004

Posted by MrsProfessor
I went back to work when my DD was 10 weeks old and she was home full time with DH for 6 weeks till my summer vacation. Any gripes/annoyances he may have had went away pretty quickly.

Actually, I'm interested to know how you viewed the situation being the one at work and having a SAHH? Did you resent him being home and/or feel like he wasn't doing enough? Curious, because I struggle with feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough and while my husband is supportive about 80% of the time, we did have a blow out once about the work division.

I appreciated that we had the arrangement- I like to work and I wanted to. If I wanted to stay home it would have been different. It was hard at times though- he took a sabbatical during the fall semester, from when DD was 6 mos. to 10 mos. and that was harder. I would be wiped when I got home, and then he'd hand her right over to me before I could catch my breath. I got annoyed till he pointed out that he'd deal with chores- taking out trash, doing dishes, changing cat litter, doing laundry, paying bills.

Then I still got annoyed but knew he had a point. But I also had a rough group of kids that year (I teach) and was trying to deal with lesson plans, etc. so trying to find time to do that was also hard. When DD was a newborn he once confessed that he wondered why the house was a mess, etc. but taking care of her for all that time made a difference in his expectations.

However much you're doing, I'm sure it's enough. Though I also could not be LESS of a perfectionist- that helps.

Message edited 11/4/2010 12:53:42 PM.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Uggh; I really hoped for a better update for you guys I'm really sorry he's being so thickheaded about it.

Only *you* know your husband, and only you know what he'll respond to, kwim??? But for now, I think YOU are in need of a little rest frankly!!! Forget his "stuff" that's not priority 1 today, YOU ARE. YOu mentioned your mom is around -- can you possibly drop the baby off for a little grandma time, and have a YOU day, wherein you do whatever you are up to, and if that means you sleep the day away so be it??? Can you do it without an ounce of guilt???

I literally had to remind DH that this baby didn't arrive on our doorstep via the stork - I carried him for 40 weeks in addition to the 12 that he'd actually been alive!!! So while he's been "dad" for 3 months, I've been sharing my body and soul with this baby for a YEAR. So yes, I'm worn out, strung out, and more likely to pass out than put out.

I needed HELP from him, but frankly, more than that, I needed kindness Please hang in there, there are way better days ahead, your DH *is* being a selfish azz, no doubt about that - so was mine, and so were many other DHs as this thread attests to. But a couple of weeks from now the baby will sleep for longer stretches of time and you will TOTALLY start feeling better if only because you are SLEEEEEEPING!!!!!!! It will NOT fix the issue between you and DH, it will NOT make you feel more amorous, but it WILL help you deal a little more calmly with the conversations you know you must have, kwim???

And I feel like I just want to say some of the replies are a little intense in their characterization of your DH, let's face it we don't know the guy at ALL, so all we have is our own experience to rely on... I know I was STUMPED with our "new reality" but I also knew the man I married (and dated for 6 years prior) wasn't a sex-addicted neanderthal, kwim????? so I simply HAD to find a way to get back to the root of "us". It takes time and attention but it does happen.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

OK, so I told him this exact thing yesterday. Ill pump a lot of milk and leave her with you all day sat & sun. Ill go get a facial (which I have never done once in my life), nails, etc. then go to my moms house for the night. Maybe then you will understand what I do all day.

His response: Well how is that fair? If you want to make it fair, leave her with me all day and go work for 12 hours. When im gone all day im not getting facials or shopping, Im working like a dog.

Ugh, I just cant win with ANY points im trying to make I feel like im talking to the wall.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by mamabear

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

OK, so I told him this exact thing yesterday. Ill pump a lot of milk and leave her with you all day sat & sun. Ill go get a facial (which I have never done once in my life), nails, etc. then go to my moms house for the night. Maybe then you will understand what I do all day.

His response: Well how is that fair? If you want to make it fair, leave her with me all day and go work for 12 hours. When im gone all day im not getting facials or shopping, Im working like a dog.

Ugh, I just cant win with ANY points im trying to make I feel like im talking to the wall.

Well, you weren't suppose to phrase it as "let me take a day to relax" (even if that's exactly what you're going to do!). Just disappear--say I need to help my mom with something. and in any event, what you tell him now is that this isnt a test for YOU to see what it is like in his shoes. You know he is tired. It is for him to see what it is like in your shoes. he seems to minimize what you do, so he needs to understand your side. After he experiences what you do, he can know both experiences.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Hi there...
I can so relate
I have a 1 and 1/2 year old and a 4 month old...
we sold our house and are all living with my parents
I have gained 70lbs as a result of both pregnancies I am embarressed to say that I have lost just a little bit of this huge number

I am pumping and changing diapers and cooking and cleaning and pumping

My husband helps out so much and he goes to work at 6 am and still stays up with me to help out

NOT all husbands are like your husband
if you are too tired for sex he has to understand BABIES are #1

God Bless you and your family

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Wow!!!

this whole thread has making me REALLY consider having babies...

one of my biggest fears that we won't be "us" anymore after a baby...and a lot of things written on here confirm my fears!!



To the original poster. I get where you are coming from. My friend went thru it, and her hubby said she "owed" him sex. That as her husband, he deserved it.

While I do think sex DOES help, it can also be a MAJOR turnoff to hear that. So to the OP, I'm sure you really feel very turned off by his feelings...sorry you are going thru this!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

I have no words of advice. I just wanted to offer you hugs and say that I am sorry you are going through this. I really hope things get better for you. You deserve better.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Dont be so hard on yourself being a new mom is a huge adjustment. Your hormones are all out of wack, your exhausted, etc... sex is the last thing on your mind. Honestly I would sit down with him again and maybe you both could put down on paper what needs you feel arent being met. Of course we know what his 1. will be but this will also give you a chance to list yours and he cant deny them... so maybe you can comprimise? Life is non stop when you have kids, sometimes you really need to make time for eachother. So maybe if you both meet 1/2 way it will be all the difference??

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by usuk2004

Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.

Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?

I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

First off I think I could have written something similar that early on as well.

I agree with a lot of the advice here.

Here is my 2 cents-

You can do all of the prep work. You can read all of the books, take the classes, talk to friends. Set up a nursery. But none of these things prepare you for the trauma a child can put on your marriage.

To make a long story short, I was seriously contemplating divorce around DD turning 3 months old. When we spoke, we fought. I was in NY, he was in Florida and he didn't want me home and I didn't want to go back.

Some background-DH is also a hornball like your DH. Literally I could be smelly and sweaty since at the time, DD was undiagnosed reflux and milk allergy and screamed non stop all day long. Just like you, I was all alone 24/7. I had no help at all. No family, only a few friends. Plus, when DH came home, he often went to my neighbor to hang out and luckily my neighbor's wife and I are very close or I would have been much worse off. When DH was home, he would often hand DD back to me. Considering how amazing DH was with my nieces, this was a shock to me. A shower was a luxury because her screaming was worse if she was with anyone else but me. Then the second I got her down, he was groping me or asking to be, for a lack of a better term, serviced. He claimed to understand what I did during the day, but threw himself constantly at the fact that dinner wasn't cooked or the house was a train wreck. He did not get that I had to hold her every waking moment because the screaming wore my nerves raw. We fought horribly too. He also brought up the sex argument and he too did not understand that I wanted some romance, to feel like his wife, not a piece of meat.

Luckily, I have an amazing therapist who did three way phone therapy with us. I cannot stress the importance of therapy. It really helped him understand me and for me to understand him. When you are exhausted and in a rage, it is often so hard to lose sight that both you and DH have your own issues, hardships, emotions, feelings, etc. What I learned is that when you bring that little life into your home, it is often hard to remember that you once were a twosome and that your SO needs to been attended to-this goes both ways. It is often hard as well to sit down and rationally discuss what is bothering each of you without blowing up. This is why I urge you to discuss couples counseling with him.

I also wholeheartedly agree with Janice that withholding sex is not a good idea usually. I also found that sex reminded me that we were a married couple and gave me that closeness that I needed to remind myself that I too was a human with needs.

Also remember that things do get a bit easier when they grow out of the NB stage. They get into routines, on schedules, and life becomes a lot more predictable. Now DD is 8 months old and while our marriage is not the same, we are in a much better place and I am a million times happier.

Last, I want to urge you to use this board and its resources and go to GTGs and playgroups with the other mommies. I think the mommies here are wonderful and sometimes, just going to a GTG and being around other people going through the same thing as you can be the most important thing you do for yourself so you do not feel like a prisoner to your house and to your NB DD. I credit the GTGs I went to once I came up here to NY for saving my sanity, as well as my LIF friend in S. Florida!

So I would urge you to definitely use this board as an outlet and get out with some mommies, as well as doing some therapy so that maybe you and DH can get to a place where you can be a lot happier with each other and your marriage.

Please FM me if you need to talk!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

I just read your posts and i'm so sorry you are going thru this.

In terms of the sex thing, you really may was to try seeking couseling. As someone else stated it may run deeper than just not being in the mood. Sex lacked a lot while i was pregnant, and after we were allowed to i still never wanted to (my weight gain was the issue for me). But, we got back to a better place. He really seems to resent you and a counselor may help.

In terms of him not respecting you and what you do, um you need to leave that man home alone with your DD for at least 8 hours. He will get it. I work full time and my DH does to, tho he has mondays off. So, instead of paying for daycare on monday he is home with DD alllll day. Once i get home he is immediately on the couch about to fall asleep cause she exhausts him. They cant handle it like we can. If he's forced to see this, he may give you some respect.

Best of luck and i hope things work out

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by Peainapod

Posted by usuk2004

Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.

Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?

I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?

I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.

I completely agree with this. IM perturbed by his holding sex over your head and being a F**** baby over not getting any. thats the problem here. Not you taking one for the team, or sucking iit up and getting it on.

It seems like even if you sat him down and talked to him about how overwhelmed you are and how you need his help, that he's not going to get it. He seems very selfish. Its a 2 way street. Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works.

I agree that after we had DS our lives totally changed and we were not ready for how much it changed. Sex has been nonexistant most times. Its very hard to get back on track.

but i find his behavior to be childish and selfish.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

***FINAL UPDATE***


I just wanted to come back on this post one last time and say thank you for all the , advice and personal stories.

I called him @ work and told him I want us both to go to counseling, he said no right away. I suggested our priest, I have known him since I was 5, he has known my husband for 10 years now. Plus he has a degree in Marital and Family Counseling, so its not just his opinion. (In our religion priests can get married, so he has personal experince as well!) He can give us practical and spiritual advice. I told him Im going to go with or without him, but if he doesnt go I promised him our realtionship will not get better.

I think he would be the best option because: #1 He KNOWS both of us, before we were married and as a couple.
#2 He's free!

I asked him if he doesnt want to go because we see the priest every sunday and he would be embarressed to tell him everything... FINE, then lets spend $$ and get a counselor from outside, he still wouldnt budge but seemes *maybe* more open to that idea.

Im going to attempt to convince him again when he gets home, but I wont beg.

Thanks again for listening to all this drama, I hate it. I have no one else to talk to so thanks for giving me the advice. Hopefully things will get better

Message edited 11/4/2010 5:15:11 PM.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

Sorry you are going through this.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

I hope things work out I really do and please don't give up without trying, but trying on both ends and not just you.

You guys should be a "team" and you need to get back to what brought you together in the first place.

Good Luck!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

good for you!

At 3.5 mos old, I ran away with baby.

Your choice is a ton more logical.
Priest sounds like a great choice, and i am sure he is so use to hearing this.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone

I'm glad you are heading toward therapy -- the bedroom stuff is totally unhealthy.

On a practical note for the rest, you should consider hiring the help your husband isn't willing to give you. Maybe a mothers helper to come every day from 4-7 so you can breathe, shower, run an errand, put together dinner and maybe then be ready to smile when he comes home. Thats a fair compromise, if he works too much to be a help then he can pay for the assistance that most moms get from their partners.