Re: Strain on our relationship...

Posted by maymama

Posted by Janice

It is a scary place.

I was with dh for 12 years.
12 years of him hanging out with my brothers and sisters...from age 3 on.
Playing with my little cousins
In love with his nieces.

People pegged him as a great dad to be.
We were so in love. Best Friends.
Get pregnant. Everyone so excited, we were so excited.

Then your world comes crashing down.
Everyone else brings home a baby and the dad adjusts...your's just isn't.
Everytime he walks in the door you feel the tension. He shows little interest in the baby. When he is helping, he isn't listening to your requests.
He makes dinner to be nice and is waiting for you to eat. You are rocking the baby to sleep for the 5th time that day. You want to shower and brush your teeth...he says he is trying but he doesn't understand at all that the baby needs you more. That this won't last forever.

You love the moment he walks out the door to go to work. Finally peace. You can sit and love your baby.
Sex. Anyone can feed him. Anyone can go skiing with him. Anyone can do laundry. Sex is the one thing that is your job. It is the one thing that when times get rough still makes you his wife.

If someone was to break into my home, he would take the bullet for me and the baby. I knew this. He is the husband, that is what he would do. I am the wife, that is what I have to do.

This board drove me crazy for 10 mos. What was wrong with us....no one understood. My family didn't. My friends were shocked since we weren't a couple who fought.

Then lauren started posting after logan was born. I felt validation.
It is scary to be with someone and be so in love with them for years...at the drop of a hat they change. You have to fight through.

this is us. we are at this point (well, i am at this point - he doesnt get it )

we will get through it. its just a rough spot, a normal rough spot but a rough spot nonetheless.

i have to say though, this post made me tear a little. good to know im not alone in this, feeling sad and hopeless sometimes.

Re: Strain on our relationship...

this is disgusting behavior! you need to turn it around on him "well I won't have sex with you until you do the dishes." See how he likes it! It's less about the sex and more about him totally not respecting your feelings - both physically and mentally.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

I am so sorryyou are going through this and I am so sorry he is behaving this way. It seems like he is letting sex dictate your entire relationship.

It's a vicious cycle:

wife is too tired for sex

husband gets annoyed that there is not enough sex

Husband takes it out on wife

Wife does not want to have sex with angry, jerky husband

Someone has to take the first step to fix it. Either angry/jerky husband has to make an effort to be nice even though there is no sex and this will then endear him to the wife again so she will actually want to be intimate with him.

Or:
Wife has to put aside her fatigue and and anger at jerky husband and have sex.

Either of these will set in motion a correction to the whole thing but someone has to make the first move. Right or wrong, it's almost always is the wife who has to make a move.

I suggest you have sex (a quickie-we are done in 20 minutes tops). THEN have "the talk" with him about what you need. They are more likely to be responsive when the sex issue is out of the way

Message edited 11/4/2010 10:25:56 AM.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Message edited 11/4/2010 10:23:11 AM.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

sounds like he needs help with his sex issues to be honest.. 1 a week inst enough for him?? His mood is totally determined by how much sex he is getting???? that's sounds like he has major issues that he needs to get thru.

He honestly.. cannot be that blind to the world and how things work.. totaly excuse if you ask me!!
Im so angry for you!!!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by DPerotti

Posted by d-h2008

I won't quote your whole post but I'm sad for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this selfishness from your own husband.

Do you have any other friends with kids? Maybe he needs another perspective from a Father. I can't imagine him being that blind to fatherhood but maybe I'm wrong and some men really don't get it. Maybe he needs to stay home with your DD for one day all by himself and then he can see for himself?

I agree with you, that sex is not an option to fix anything at all. Until you figure out what is really going on sex is not the answer, it's a chore at this point and can actually make things worse right now b/c then you are having non intimate sex which has no meaning whatsoever to you, which then can turn into anger b/c you feel forced into having it, which in a marriage you should never ever feel.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by Linda1003

sounds like he needs help with his sex issues to be honest.. 1 a week inst enough for him?? His mood is totally determined by how much sex he is getting???? that's sounds like he has major issues that he needs to get thru.

He honestly.. cannot be that blind to the world and how things work.. totaly excuse if you ask me!!
Im so angry for you!!!

Message edited 11/4/2010 10:28:42 AM.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

I am so sorry your going through this. IMO he has some form of sex addiction and your relationship will never be ok unless he gets professional help with HIS problem. Sex is NO ones right!!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by DPerotti

Posted by d-h2008

I won't quote your whole post but I'm sad for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this selfishness from your own husband.

Do you have any other friends with kids? Maybe he needs another perspective from a Father. I can't imagine him being that blind to fatherhood but maybe I'm wrong and some men really don't get it. Maybe he needs to stay home with your DD for one day all by himself and then he can see for himself?

I agree with you, that sex is not an option to fix anything at all. Until you figure out what is really going on sex is not the answer, it's a chore at this point and can actually make things worse right now b/c then you are having non intimate sex which has no meaning whatsoever to you, which then can turn into anger b/c you feel forced into having it, which in a marriage you should never ever feel.

Unfortunately we are THE ONLY ones from our circle of friends that have a baby. This is part of the reason he doesnt get it.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by Linda1003

sounds like he needs help with his sex issues to be honest.. 1 a week inst enough for him?? His mood is totally determined by how much sex he is getting???? that's sounds like he has major issues that he needs to get thru.

He honestly.. cannot be that blind to the world and how things work.. totaly excuse if you ask me!!
Im so angry for you!!!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by jerseypanda

"You're taking his rights away from him" by not having sex with him because you are exhausted, tired, taking care of his newborn child?

I'm sorry, I love my DH, but to me there has to be mutual respect if there is going to be any sex taking place and I could never just "do it" to make him happy if I am unhappy. I do not subscribe to the theory that a man "deserves" sex.

I'm so sorry that your DH is making you feel this way, that he is treating you this way. You should have an equal partner in raising your child.

If I were in your position, I would need to have a serious talk with my DH. About his expectations and your expectations. Hopefully you can find a way for you to both to be on the same page so that he helps you out a little more and you are more in the mood to have sex because he is pulling more of his weight.

I'm actually surprised that there are so many posters who think you should just have sex with him to make him happy.

Good luck to you!

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Message edited 11/4/2010 10:45:33 AM.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

oof, i am sorry for all you are going through. here's my 2 cents, but I am sure you will get lots of different advice and you just have to pick and choose what feels right to you.

Re the Girl--write to her yourself. if you seem crazy, so what. Someone one posted something I didn't like on my DHs facebook page. He didn't write back and wanted to ignore it. I sent her a nasty message. She has never contacted him again.

Re the sex--you are in a bad cycle. he wants and needs it to be somewhat sane. you are mad and dont want to have sex. im not saying you really should sleep with him to appease him, but try to force yourself to get into it. sometimes even when i am totally not in the mood to begin with, i will anyway, and find i actually do get into it and enjoy it. try it...if you cant get into it with him at all, you need to have a real, serious long talk with him and explain your lack of desire and where it is coming from. you may need to do this anyway. dont withhold as a punishment, though.

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

OK, so I told him this exact thing yesterday. Ill pump a lot of milk and leave her with you all day sat & sun. Ill go get a facial (which I have never done once in my life), nails, etc. then go to my moms house for the night. Maybe then you will understand what I do all day.

His response: Well how is that fair? If you want to make it fair, leave her with me all day and go work for 12 hours. When im gone all day im not getting facials or shopping, Im working like a dog.

Ugh, I just cant win with ANY points im trying to make I feel like im talking to the wall.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

OK, so I told him this exact thing yesterday. Ill pump a lot of milk and leave her with you all day sat & sun. Ill go get a facial (which I have never done once in my life), nails, etc. then go to my moms house for the night. Maybe then you will understand what I do all day.

His response: Well how is that fair? If you want to make it fair, leave her with me all day and go work for 12 hours. When im gone all day im not getting facials or shopping, Im working like a dog.

Ugh, I just cant win with ANY points im trying to make I feel like im talking to the wall.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by usuk2004

Posted by d-h2008

Posted by mamabear

Re the home duties/chores--though completely wrong, his view is not that uncommon, and it's something many new dads have to learn and adjust to. come up with something you have to do that requries you to leave him alone with the baby for a full day, maybe even overnight, maybe even weekend. he needs to understand and appreciate what you do by experiencing it himself. no amount of talking and descriptions can bang that into his head--at least it couldnt with my dh. he didnt understand until he had full days alone with them.

OK, so I told him this exact thing yesterday. Ill pump a lot of milk and leave her with you all day sat & sun. Ill go get a facial (which I have never done once in my life), nails, etc. then go to my moms house for the night. Maybe then you will understand what I do all day.

His response: Well how is that fair? If you want to make it fair, leave her with me all day and go work for 12 hours. When im gone all day im not getting facials or shopping, Im working like a dog.

Ugh, I just cant win with ANY points im trying to make I feel like im talking to the wall.

And while he's sleeping like a baby you're up 2-3 times a night with a screaming baby attached to your breast!

Tell him to take her out or to his mother's for a day/overnight and you'll do all of the housework that he says you don't do. This way he gets to see what it's like to care for a baby all day and you get some of the stuff that he's been holding over your head out of the wya. I know it's not a super break for you, but sometimes even housework can be relaxing when you don't have to look after a baby as well. Make a deal with his mother to let him do the looking after your daughter as much as possible while he's there.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

I'm sorry. He really needs to walk in your shoes for a little while. Tell him the 1950s are over and he needs to be a husband and father. Having sex with him won't help- it won't change his behavior.

I went back to work when my DD was 10 weeks old and she was home full time with DH for 6 weeks till my summer vacation. Any gripes/annoyances he may have had went away pretty quickly.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

Posted by Janice

I knew people would flame me.

At that point in my life, I really don't know where not sleeping with him would have helped.

That would have cut off all ties completely.
We talked, we communicated, we fought. We were at a standstill.
He openly knew all of my feelings, and I knew all of his.

He was super jealous of the baby. He did not know where he fit in. The only place that he still felt he was mine was during sex.

If you are fighting with someone for 10 mos straight, I don't think withholding is going to make the fighting go away.

Re: Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**

I read both of your posts and I think what you have to make him understand (and maybe you need an impartial party there to mediate such as a therapist) is not that you expect a whole production in order to be in the mood for sex but that a lot of what gets a woman in the mood is feeling like she has a partner who helps her out, treats her kindly, wants to make her happy, wants to even do something special every now again for her. A lot of sex for women is mental first and physical after. He has to understand that if he is constantly upsetting you or if you feel underappreciated then in turn you won't be in the mood, you won't look at him and be turned on and want to be intimate. I adore my DH, I am crazy about my DH............we've been together for just about 20 years now but I can tell you when he's being moody or he's not helping out I am turned off for sure. But when I see him with our DD and see what a great Dad he is, when he's being all smushy with me and sweet, and when I feel like we're a team then I am sooooo hot for him. It's a turn on to have a man that cares for you and loves you and shows it more often than not.

And he does need to realize that things change after a baby whether he likes it or not. My DH and I have been together since we were 16 (we're now 35) and of course, years ago before we had any responsibilities or kids we had sex constantly, every day, and sometimes twice a day. But it's not realistic anymore. I take care of my DD all day, I am tired, he is tired from work and yes our sex life isn't as frequent as it once was but we BOTH understand why. It's normal. He can't expect you to always be raring to go.

Ultimately, he needs to get the message that if he wants intimacy then he needs to give you a reason to want him. And it doesn't mean flowers and hotel rooms and fancy dinners. It's being nice and kind and appreciative and understanding. If you feel valued by your DH then you will want to be more intimate with him. I personally think you would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist. Sometimes it takes a third party for someone to get the point. And as far as that text goes, I would be on his a$$ too. That's unacceptable especially when you're having issues. If there is someone else waiting in the wings it's a lot easier for him to walk away or not try. Sorry for everything you're going through. I know how hard it must be and hopefully things will get better for you.

Message edited 11/4/2010 11:59:02 AM.