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Strain on our relationship... **UPDATE - Talked yesterday-eh**Final update-5pm (Pg. 4)--Thanks everyone
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Bluepixie
Mamarazzi
Member since 6/07 2618 total posts
Name:
Laura
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Ok. I have to address the "You have to have sex with him" comments.
Yes, agreed, you 'should' have sex - but only when you feel comfortable enough to and not because you are guilted into it or pressured into it. We all have those days of "ugh, I'm just too tired to get into the mood". Everyone does. But I'll tell you, if your DH put an ounce of effort into helping you with the mundane tasks (taking out the garbage without asking. Taking the baby so you can shower. Bringing home take out so you don't have to cook) I guarantee you'll see him in a much better light  And you'll be more prone to please him (and yourself) if he gives a little.
Let him know that. He might be more willing to help if he knows there's the possibility of sex at the end of it
Message edited 11/3/2010 8:50:02 PM.
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Posted 11/3/10 8:49 PM  |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by usuk2004
Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.
Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?
I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?
I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.
ITA
As I read through your post, I found it almost abusive/demeaning the way he treats you about sex and being available for him. Our marriage hurt too after having DD for some time, but DH did not make me feel badly for not feeling in the mood etc....he should be supporting you and vice versa, and it sounds like he is mentally abusive. I know it seems like much, but could you bring the baby with you guys together to see a couples therapist? Maybe learning how to talk about it, or having a 3rd party will help him think about your perspective or give him a reality check.
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| Posted 11/3/10 9:02 PM |
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mnmsoinlove
Mommy to 2 sweet girls!
Member since 3/09 8585 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Janice
some girls on here will say baby brought them closer together.
I don't understand it...at all.
we will never again be who we were. I let that dream die out a long time ago. We were trying to get us back and it wasn't going to happen.
So now we are a new. It is a nice relationship, a different one, but a nice one.
I think this is very true. Your life as you know it no longer everything revolves around a child. However that new life you have can be wonderful too but it takes a lot of getting use to. I had my dd right after you and we went through IF issues to get pg its all we wanted. DH was thrilled to become a father but he really didn't know what the entailed until now. He has been wonderful for the most part but I've seen him act jealous of the baby which was so strange to me. He would tell me how much he missed our life, missed the "old" me. I think for men they really are not prepared for how life will be after a child they just aren't. Its easy to become resentful of your DH when you are the one who is solely responsible for your baby. You aren't being appreciated or respected as a mother or a wife so how can you be expected to feel sexy or want to have sex?
I have to say as far the sex issue goes it really is different since dd and a csec. I was beyond scared to DTD however its one of those things once you get back into you want it more. Its getting better each time but its hard mentally getting to that k place because I always have my chore list on my mind, my dd (is she breathing, is she oka thoughts). I told DH the more he helps me out, especially at night the more in the mood I am.
I think you should talk to your DH tell him how serious you think these issues are. Talk to him about the lack of sexual desire you feel and how that is linked to lack of help, over worked, and under appreciated feelings you have. Maybe if he can correlate that helping you out will relax you and make you want to DTD more often he will get on the ball and start helping.
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| Posted 11/3/10 9:14 PM |
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carissa1643
I LOVE my sons! :)
Member since 5/09 5283 total posts
Name:
Carissa
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by brownie
Posted by usuk2004
Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.
Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?
I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?
I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.
ITA
As I read through your post, I found it almost abusive/demeaning the way he treats you about sex and being available for him. Our marriage hurt too after having DD for some time, but DH did not make me feel badly for not feeling in the mood etc....he should be supporting you and vice versa, and it sounds like he is mentally abusive. I know it seems like much, but could you bring the baby with you guys together to see a couples therapist? Maybe learning how to talk about it, or having a 3rd party will help him think about your perspective or give him a reality check.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but ITA with all of this. I think counseling could definitely be benefial to both of you.
It is definitely very hard for the first months, I would say maybe the 1st year. DS will only be 10 months and its still hard sometimes. Its a HUGE change and getting adjusted to a new life is very exhausting and overwhelming.
I think the fact that his entire mood and personality pretty much changes bc you arent having sex is kind of extreme. I completely understand though. I have explained to my DH numerous times when he gets home from work and I'm still running around, cooking, cleaning getting the bath and bedtime ready and he's sitting on the couch watching me does not get me in the mood AT ALL! I told him to help with SOMETHING, clean up after the bath so when I come out of DS's room after putting him to bed I dont need to go all over the place, pick up the toys, clean up the clothes, the bath, etc. I feel much more like a team when he does something, ANYTHING, kwim?
Tell him your expectations of him so he is clear. Men are clueless and dont think of what needs to get done, at least in my experience  Its very annoying but you should talk to him about that without sounding like nagging. You are both the parents and things need to get done. Please FM me if you need to talk or vent
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| Posted 11/3/10 9:17 PM |
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jerseypanda
Life is good.
Member since 1/07 9164 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
"You're taking his rights away from him" by not having sex with him because you are exhausted, tired, taking care of his newborn child? 
I'm sorry, I love my DH, but to me there has to be mutual respect if there is going to be any sex taking place and I could never just "do it" to make him happy if I am unhappy. I do not subscribe to the theory that a man "deserves" sex.
I'm so sorry that your DH is making you feel this way, that he is treating you this way. You should have an equal partner in raising your child.
If I were in your position, I would need to have a serious talk with my DH. About his expectations and your expectations. Hopefully you can find a way for you to both to be on the same page so that he helps you out a little more and you are more in the mood to have sex because he is pulling more of his weight.
I'm actually surprised that there are so many posters who think you should just have sex with him to make him happy.
Good luck to you!
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| Posted 11/3/10 9:18 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
It is a scary place.
I was with dh for 12 years.
12 years of him hanging out with my brothers and sisters...from age 3 on.
Playing with my little cousins
In love with his nieces.
People pegged him as a great dad to be.
We were so in love. Best Friends.
Get pregnant. Everyone so excited, we were so excited.
Then your world comes crashing down.
Everyone else brings home a baby and the dad adjusts...your's just isn't.
Everytime he walks in the door you feel the tension. He shows little interest in the baby. When he is helping, he isn't listening to your requests.
He makes dinner to be nice and is waiting for you to eat. You are rocking the baby to sleep for the 5th time that day. You want to shower and brush your teeth...he says he is trying but he doesn't understand at all that the baby needs you more. That this won't last forever.
You love the moment he walks out the door to go to work. Finally peace. You can sit and love your baby.
Sex. Anyone can feed him. Anyone can go skiing with him. Anyone can do laundry. Sex is the one thing that is your job. It is the one thing that when times get rough still makes you his wife.
If someone was to break into my home, he would take the bullet for me and the baby. I knew this. He is the husband, that is what he would do. I am the wife, that is what I have to do.
This board drove me crazy for 10 mos. What was wrong with us....no one understood. My family didn't. My friends were shocked since we weren't a couple who fought.
Then lauren started posting after logan was born. I felt validation.
It is scary to be with someone and be so in love with them for years...at the drop of a hat they change. You have to fight through.
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| Posted 11/3/10 9:21 PM |
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LittleBlueBug
Happy Mommy
Member since 9/06 4074 total posts
Name:
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Children don't bring relationships closer together all the time. DC are a lot of responsibility and a lot of stress and can completely unravel a relationship with people who are not on the same page. It's not your DC who should be bringing you together. They are helpless little beings who didnt ask to be born an deserve the unconditional love of both parents. Spouses love is conditional, but should not be based on sex. Your DH sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and you need to decide if you want your DD growing up around that...weather seeing this as a 3rd party or lacking the love and closeness she deserves with her father. It takes more than sperm to be a father. Sorry if that's harsh, but when there are children involved, the responsibility of the parents who to provide a loving environment for each other and most importantly, the child.
My suggestion to you is to try counseling. If he will go, fine, if not go without him. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but it's hard not to here. Your DH sounds very immature...being moody over sex like that is something I would expect from an overly hormonal 18 year old, not a responsible, encouraging father and husband. You need to think about your future with this person. Do you want more children with this person? Do you want your DD to over-hear your DH complain that you are not living up to his standard of a wife (open 24-7 for his every need). Listening to what sounds like emotional abuse and believing women should be treated this way?
If he is seriously talking to a home wrecker, that would be such a deal-breaker for me. Please get into counseling ASAP. If you need to make a decision, try to get yourself into that place to do so before DD is old enough to realize it or understand.
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| Posted 11/3/10 9:39 PM |
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by DPerotti
Posted by Peainapod
Posted by usuk2004
Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.
Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?
I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?
I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.
I completely agree with this. IM perturbed by his holding sex over your head and being a F**** baby over not getting any. thats the problem here. Not you taking one for the team, or sucking iit up and getting it on.
It seems like even if you sat him down and talked to him about how overwhelmed you are and how you need his help, that he's not going to get it. He seems very selfish. Its a 2 way street. Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works.
I agree that after we had DS our lives totally changed and we were not ready for how much it changed. Sex has been nonexistant most times. Its very hard to get back on track.
but i find his behavior to be childish and selfish.
I have to agree with these two posts especially "Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works."
You have to sit down and have a serious conversation about this.
Don't get me wrong not everything was roses and sunshine when we got home from the hospital, I had crazy baby blues, was not myself. . .sex was the last thing on my mind but I had my husband by me helping me with what he could. Did he drive me crazy at time, yes but at least I knew he was there if I needed him, even if I was a sobbing mess. Yours seems to be a little selfish & that's not fair for you.
I don't agree how some people are saying to be his wife, how about him being a husband? a father?  How about being nice to his wife? IDK, maybe I'm crazy like that but if DH was that rude & unhelpful to me, I WOULD cut him off until he opened his eyes 
ITA with all of the above
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| Posted 11/3/10 10:14 PM |
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boobanick
GO YANKEES!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 4/07 1223 total posts
Name:
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by DPerotti
Posted by Peainapod
Posted by usuk2004
Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.
Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?
I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?
I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.
I completely agree with this. IM perturbed by his holding sex over your head and being a F**** baby over not getting any. thats the problem here. Not you taking one for the team, or sucking iit up and getting it on.
It seems like even if you sat him down and talked to him about how overwhelmed you are and how you need his help, that he's not going to get it. He seems very selfish. Its a 2 way street. Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works.
I agree that after we had DS our lives totally changed and we were not ready for how much it changed. Sex has been nonexistant most times. Its very hard to get back on track.
but i find his behavior to be childish and selfish.
I have to agree with these two posts especially "Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works."
You have to sit down and have a serious conversation about this.
Don't get me wrong not everything was roses and sunshine when we got home from the hospital, I had crazy baby blues, was not myself. . .sex was the last thing on my mind but I had my husband by me helping me with what he could. Did he drive me crazy at time, yes but at least I knew he was there if I needed him, even if I was a sobbing mess. Yours seems to be a little selfish & that's not fair for you.
I don't agree how some people are saying to be his wife, how about him being a husband? a father? How about being nice to his wife? IDK, maybe I'm crazy like that but if DH was that rude & unhelpful to me, I WOULD cut him off until he opened his eyes
ITA with all of the above
ITA
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| Posted 11/4/10 1:09 AM |
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cinnabon
Complete..
Member since 6/10 1592 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Now this, this sums it all up in a nutshell....
Posted by Janice
It is a scary place.
I was with dh for 12 years.
12 years of him hanging out with my brothers and sisters...from age 3 on.
Playing with my little cousins
In love with his nieces.
People pegged him as a great dad to be.
We were so in love. Best Friends.
Get pregnant. Everyone so excited, we were so excited.
Then your world comes crashing down.
Everyone else brings home a baby and the dad adjusts...your's just isn't.
Everytime he walks in the door you feel the tension. He shows little interest in the baby. When he is helping, he isn't listening to your requests.
He makes dinner to be nice and is waiting for you to eat. You are rocking the baby to sleep for the 5th time that day. You want to shower and brush your teeth...he says he is trying but he doesn't understand at all that the baby needs you more. That this won't last forever.
You love the moment he walks out the door to go to work. Finally peace. You can sit and love your baby.
Sex. Anyone can feed him. Anyone can go skiing with him. Anyone can do laundry. Sex is the one thing that is your job. It is the one thing that when times get rough still makes you his wife.
If someone was to break into my home, he would take the bullet for me and the baby. I knew this. He is the husband, that is what he would do. I am the wife, that is what I have to do.
This board drove me crazy for 10 mos. What was wrong with us....no one understood. My family didn't. My friends were shocked since we weren't a couple who fought.
Then lauren started posting after logan was born. I felt validation.
It is scary to be with someone and be so in love with them for years...at the drop of a hat they change. You have to fight through.
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| Posted 11/4/10 1:35 AM |
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usuk2004
I'm ONE!
Member since 5/05 5150 total posts
Name:
Farah
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Janice
Sex. Anyone can feed him. Anyone can go skiing with him. Anyone can do laundry. Sex is the one thing that is your job. It is the one thing that when times get rough still makes you his wife.
If someone was to break into my home, he would take the bullet for me and the baby. I knew this. He is the husband, that is what he would do. I am the wife, that is what I have to do.
I'm sorry, I usually agree with you, Janice, but I have to disagree. Sex is not what makes me his wife - knowing that he's scared sh!tless about becoming a father, having him confide in me, loving him and him loving me and being able to make the best of a difficult situation together - that's what makes me his wife. Just like anyone can feed him or wash his clothes, anyone can have sex with him. If that's all he needs from me, then that's JUST sex and he can get it elsewhere. If I'm not into it, if I feel resentment towards him, then that's JUST sex and we both know the difference. That doesn't satisfy either of us.
I agree with Janice in that you don't know what's going on on the inside of other people's relationships, so don't think that everyone else is having a great time. And don't believe everything you read on here either. People, whether intentionally or not, say what they perceive or want to be true about themselves, not necessarily reality.
I absolutely agree that things can be super tough. Having a baby throws up the division of labor in your household and changes everything - it's a stress physically for whoever is doing the feeding, washing, getting up in the middle of the night, it's a stress financially and it's a stress emotionally as there is now an actual person taking up your time and the space in between you two that you can't choose to ignore.
But I really truly believe that communication, and not sex is the answer here. If, for your DH, sex is really just like a bone that you can throw to a dog and he's suddenly happy, then he's not a very complex guy...but you can't continue to spread yourself so thin taking care of all of the baby's needs and his needs. NOt to mention your needs! You'll burn out. Talk to him and if you don't get anywhere, talk to someone else, like others have suggested. You deserve better.
Message edited 11/4/2010 8:21:18 AM.
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| Posted 11/4/10 8:09 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Im so sorry you are going thru this at the most difficult, exhausting time of your life. You should have a husband who HELPS and SUPPORTS YOU!!! Im angry for you and angry that people are saying to have sex with a man who to be honest.. doesn't deserve it.
You need to feel intimate to have sex..how is he accomplishing that??? Making you feel horrible everyday... telling you the place is a mess.. Are you kidding me!!!
Counseling for yourself FOR SURE!!! You need to get thru this.. this is borderline abusive in my book!!! this "boo hooo.. im a dad" thing.. doesn't fly with me!!!
I would enlist your mom for some much needed help...friends, family are important to get thru this!!!
Good luck to you!!!
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| Posted 11/4/10 8:27 AM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
 I knew people would flame me.
At that point in my life, I really don't know where not sleeping with him would have helped.
That would have cut off all ties completely.
We talked, we communicated, we fought. We were at a standstill.
He openly knew all of my feelings, and I knew all of his.
He was super jealous of the baby. He did not know where he fit in. The only place that he still felt he was mine was during sex.
If you are fighting with someone for 10 mos straight, I don't think withholding is going to make the fighting go away.
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| Posted 11/4/10 8:52 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
But it's not "withholding' out of spite!! KWIM? How can she or any women FEEL "inlove" and intimate with a man who treats her like that?
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| Posted 11/4/10 8:55 AM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
For the record I don't think she should just go and sleep with him today just to make him happy.
I think they need to talk about things. She needs to communicate what she needs, and he needs to communicate what he needs (obviously being some sex) so that's what I think they need to work on. The things that both parties are not happy with. She also needs to explain how hard it is to be a stay at home mom - and that we don't live in the 50's anymore....fathers are VERY involved with their kids. He absolutely needs to shape up.
I would never be able to sleep with him when I'm angry and hurt just to appease him - but it does seem like in this situation it will do them both good. Maybe they will be able to reconnect in some way.
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| Posted 11/4/10 8:59 AM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Diana1215
I would never be able to sleep with him when I'm angry and hurt just to appease him - but it does seem like in this situation it will do them both good. Maybe they will be able to reconnect in some way.
That is what I think.
Maybe for the day it will help them get on track.
It is not going to make itself better. If that is what he needs and she loves him and wants it to work, then that would be a great way to start her week.
No one is talking about a sex slave relationship here. I don't know her DH, but I have to think he is testing her.
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| Posted 11/4/10 9:03 AM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Linda1003
But it's not "withholding' out of spite!! KWIM? How can she or any women FEEL "inlove" and intimate with a man who treats her like that?
this is going to make no sense to anyone except me...I accept that
But...how he treats her.
I felt very fortunate that my dh went to work 60 hours a week and handed over his whole check to the good of our family.
My dh works hard for us. He never hit me, never called me names...grouchy, mean, thoughtless...but at the end of the day he knew in the AM he was getting up to give the baby another day, me another day at home with the baby.
SAHMs do a lot. She does a lot for him. But I always felt like that is a big job to hand over the check. It won't seem like that for most, but when you feel like your dh is completely disconnected from you and the baby-it always made me feel better.
that does sound like a 1950s answer
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| Posted 11/4/10 9:08 AM |
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EckoRed81504
We are complete <3
Member since 12/07 6299 total posts
Name:
April
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
It was hard for us too. I think it's hard for everyone the first year. Dh felt like dd didn't like him for a while-bc she would scream when he held her. Things were hectic between us. Being a family of 3 is a HUGE adjustment. You don't know what to expect until it happens.
DH got laid off of his job and he was now home with the baby. It completely changed him. He saw things the way I did when I was on maternity leave ( I went back to work right away). Caring for a baby all day is not easy and he got his dose of it.
I do have to say my dh isn't like your dh at all-with the comments. But if your dh were home with your dc for a week by himself he'd have a whole other view on life as a SAHM. Maybe he won't be the one to put out.
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| Posted 11/4/10 9:12 AM |
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jerseypanda
Life is good.
Member since 1/07 9164 total posts
Name:
Amanda
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by usuk2004
Posted by Janice
Sex. Anyone can feed him. Anyone can go skiing with him. Anyone can do laundry. Sex is the one thing that is your job. It is the one thing that when times get rough still makes you his wife.
If someone was to break into my home, he would take the bullet for me and the baby. I knew this. He is the husband, that is what he would do. I am the wife, that is what I have to do.
I'm sorry, I usually agree with you, Janice, but I have to disagree. Sex is not what makes me his wife - knowing that he's scared sh!tless about becoming a father, having him confide in me, loving him and him loving me and being able to make the best of a difficult situation together - that's what makes me his wife. Just like anyone can feed him or wash his clothes, anyone can have sex with him. If that's all he needs from me, then that's JUST sex and he can get it elsewhere. If I'm not into it, if I feel resentment towards him, then that's JUST sex and we both know the difference. That doesn't satisfy either of us.
ITA. Sex is definintely not my job. It's something that DH and I share because we love and respect each other. And in order for it to be enjoyable, in order for it to make anyone happy, DH and I have to be in a good place emotionally.
If for some reason someday DH or I were no longer able to have sex for whatever reason, he is still my DH and I am still his wife. I would have a serious problem if my DH felt that he "deserved" sex just for the simple fact that he was married to me.
ETA: I just wanted to add that having children has absolutely been the hardest strain on my marriage. Getting married, buying a house, the first year of marriage was nothing but happiness for us. Now with 2 DC, it definitely pulls us in many directions, and sometimes we go in opposite directions with our opinions on what to do with the kids.
That being said, my DH does a lot and I appreciate that. I would definitely need to sit down and have a heart to heart with my DH if I were in the OP shoes.
Message edited 11/4/2010 9:17:09 AM.
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| Posted 11/4/10 9:14 AM |
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by DPerotti
Posted by Peainapod
Posted by usuk2004
Maybe I'm not remembering correctly...I mean DH and I DEFINITELY have our ups and downs, but I don't recall it being as bad as people on this thread are saying...but in your case specifically...maybe I'm in the minority here, but I would go so far as to say he's being abusive.
Refusing to go somewhere with you because you haven't had sex in the past couple of days? Telling you you don't do anything around the house? Does he realize you're caring for another human being?
I don't want to make you feel bad, but I couldn't live like that. He needs to realize that for better or for worse, this baby is a joint venture and he needs to help you care for her. Is there anyone that you can confide in that might be able to make him understand your situation? Maybe someone in his family?
ITA
I understand that some people are saying you should "act like his wife" for the sake of your relationship. But I couldn't ever have sex with DH if I were angry with him/hurt by him. Please take the time to have a serious conversation with your DH and try to make him understand your point of view. You're doing yourself no favors in the long run by appeasing him in the short term.
I completely agree with this. IM perturbed by his holding sex over your head and being a F**** baby over not getting any. thats the problem here. Not you taking one for the team, or sucking iit up and getting it on.
It seems like even if you sat him down and talked to him about how overwhelmed you are and how you need his help, that he's not going to get it. He seems very selfish. Its a 2 way street. Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works.
I agree that after we had DS our lives totally changed and we were not ready for how much it changed. Sex has been nonexistant most times. Its very hard to get back on track.
but i find his behavior to be childish and selfish.
I have to agree with these two posts especially "Your relationship cant only be good when you're having enough sex. thats not how it works."
You have to sit down and have a serious conversation about this.
Don't get me wrong not everything was roses and sunshine when we got home from the hospital, I had crazy baby blues, was not myself. . .sex was the last thing on my mind but I had my husband by me helping me with what he could. Did he drive me crazy at time, yes but at least I knew he was there if I needed him, even if I was a sobbing mess. Yours seems to be a little selfish & that's not fair for you.
I don't agree how some people are saying to be his wife, how about him being a husband? a father? How about being nice to his wife? IDK, maybe I'm crazy like that but if DH was that rude & unhelpful to me, I WOULD cut him off until he opened his eyes
ITA with this and I would like to add that every marriage is different, the same as every man is different. What works for one of us may be what destroys another KWIM?? Also intimacy is about more than sex. Intimacy is about hugging kissing, and being overall affectionate. I learned a long time ago that sex can't fix something. Communication is key. Maybe he isn't seeing how he is coming off. Maybe sit down and tell him how he's coming off. I hope things get better
Message edited 11/4/2010 10:16:15 AM.
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| Posted 11/4/10 9:24 AM |
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JoJo2010
Happy Family
Member since 8/09 6266 total posts
Name:
JO
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Linda1003
Im so sorry you are going thru this at the most difficult, exhausting time of your life. You should have a husband who HELPS and SUPPORTS YOU!!! Im angry for you and angry that people are saying to have sex with a man who to be honest.. doesn't deserve it.
You need to feel intimate to have sex..how is he accomplishing that??? Making you feel horrible everyday... telling you the place is a mess.. Are you kidding me!!!
Counseling for yourself FOR SURE!!! You need to get thru this.. this is borderline abusive in my book!!! this "boo hooo.. im a dad" thing.. doesn't fly with me!!!
I would enlist your mom for some much needed help...friends, family are important to get thru this!!!
Good luck to you!!!
ITA!!
After all those things he said to you, why would you want to have sex with him? Is he serious? You need to sit down with him and tell him everything you just wrote here, print it out and give it to him if you have to.
I really hope you work this all out, he needs to grow up and help out HIS daughter!
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| Posted 11/4/10 9:44 AM |
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usuk2004
I'm ONE!
Member since 5/05 5150 total posts
Name:
Farah
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Janice
I knew people would flame me.
At that point in my life, I really don't know where not sleeping with him would have helped.
That would have cut off all ties completely.
We talked, we communicated, we fought. We were at a standstill.
He openly knew all of my feelings, and I knew all of his.
He was super jealous of the baby. He did not know where he fit in. The only place that he still felt he was mine was during sex.
If you are fighting with someone for 10 mos straight, I don't think withholding is going to make the fighting go away.
Oh, I'm definitely not flaming you, Janice. I just don't necesarily agree with you
But to be honest, I think in a way, we're probably talking about two different things. The fact that you knew all of that about your DH and how he was feeling means that you were talking, and that's a step in the right direction.
I may be assuming too much, but it sounds to me like you were enjoying having sex with him also, despite being exhausted. It doesn't sound to me like the OP is enjoying having sex and it sounds to me like her DH is blackmailing her to be honest. He's punishing her if she doesn't give in.
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| Posted 11/4/10 10:05 AM |
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d-h2008
LIF Adult
Member since 10/09 2490 total posts
Name:
D EDD: 8/29/2010
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
So I woke up this morning and saw all these responses. I read each one of them carefully. Thank you for reading my whole post and taking the time to respond. I know for a fact that sleeping w/him will help BUT its just short term, 1-2 days. Also, how can I sleep w/him when I can barely look at him? I wish I was that strength to "just do it" but I dont think I can, at least not until there is SOME improvement. Maybe this is TMI but let me just say that this is not a sexless marriage post baby... she is 12 weeks old, 6 of those weeks 'no sex' were Dr's. orders, the rest of the time we had sex about 1X a week, but to him thats like a drop of water in a desert.
Also, let me say that he works Monday-Saturday an average of 10-12 hours a day, he is the sole $$ provider and we have a joint account, I have access to everything. He is good when it comes to that, but inturn he expects me to do EVERYTHING. I tell him all the time how I really appreciate how hard he works BUT that doesnt mean he can come home and be a part-time dad. This is where we disagree. He wants to come home and "wind down"... if that means not spending the 30 minutes with his daughter then so be it. I try to tell him that all men work just like he does and then when they come home they DO house chores and spend time w/their babies, even if they are crying! He doesnt believe it. I tell him he works for 10 hours, I work for 24 hours. He doesnt get it, honestly and truly doesnt believe it. I wish I had a video camera so he can see that I am non-stop since the baby wakes up. Does he think I sit and watch TV and eat chips all day?  HOW can I make him get everything I do? Sometimes I flat out tell him, "I bathed the baby, fed her all day, cleaned the apt, unloaded the dishwasher" I list it to make it obvious that Im not just a bump on a log and he still doesnt get it. At the end of the day, in his book, he works much harder than me.
After he came home from work yesterday we tried to talk, dont know how effective it was. Once he stepped in said "why did you check my phone, what did you mean by that message you sent me?" I told him if he has nothing to hide he shouldnt care if i checked his phone. He kept reminding me that SHE texted HIM and he didnt text back so he didnt do anything wrong. But where did she get the idea that he would even want to hang out with her outside of the grad class? He said he never gave her any reason to think so. My mentality is with this kind of woman who KNOWS he's married and has a baby yet still wants to hang out one on one, not answerig her text is just leaving the door open for her to text him again in the future. I told him that if he wants me to drop the topic he needs to text her in front of me with these exact words "Im busy with work and my new family, I dont have time to hang out with you". He refused. His reasoning-- get this "I dont want to be mean and hurt her feelings, she probably got the message when I didnt text her back".  WOWWWWW well im glad he is worried about SOMEONE's feelings!!! I told him fine, BUT if she ever calls or texts him again Im going to call her directly and curse her out. We left it at that.
Next topic was sex. I told him honestly #1 Im just not in the mood, my hormones are messed up. #2 he is NOT helping by treating me like sh!t and being so cold. Why cant he just get me flowers, or take me out that would put me in the mood. His response, "what, everytime I wanna have sex I have to go through a whole process and put on a show?" Yeah, he didnt bite. Im not saying everytime, but once in a while!! Someone on here suggessted getting a hotel room and going out... sounds wonderful. Not going to happen. He doesnt think he has to put any effort into it. I told him I look at sex now as a homework assignment, thats how much I dread it. He doesnt believe that any other guy puts on this "presentation" once in a while for their woman. Again, bottom line, his motto "your taking away my rights". Probably the most impt. thing to me is that I dont want his actions and mood to be SOOO linked to sex the way it is now. I told him its abnormal the way sex controls his attitude. He is so happy and willing to go out, have fun, BE NORMAL when he has sex and a miserable, mean human being when he doesnt. He admitted it 100%. Didnt disagree at all. SO now what? HE recognizes that this is happening but thinks its normal and any guy would be like that.
Im definitely going to talk to someone about this, and he will go.. as another poster said, if he doesnt want it to get worse, if he ever wants to touch me again he'll go.
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| Posted 11/4/10 10:07 AM |
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BethanyLynn
Love these munchkins
Member since 10/09 6295 total posts
Name:
Bethany
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
So sorry you are going through this. DH and I also had a rough time in the beginning and still do sometimes. Its hard for all new parents I think- but in your case, your DH is being borderline abusive. The key is communication. I think you and your DH defintiely need to talk and maybe even get some counseling. Seems as if he is using sex as a weapon against you. Like PP said, why would you want to have sex when he is so mean to you? You need to tell him this. Tell him you need some help. Now that you have these concerns about "Gina"- I think its going to get harder from here.... Please confide in family and friends- you will need them to help you through this.
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| Posted 11/4/10 10:08 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Strain on our relationship...
Posted by Janice
It is a scary place.
I was with dh for 12 years.
12 years of him hanging out with my brothers and sisters...from age 3 on.
Playing with my little cousins
In love with his nieces.
People pegged him as a great dad to be.
We were so in love. Best Friends.
Get pregnant. Everyone so excited, we were so excited.
Then your world comes crashing down.
Everyone else brings home a baby and the dad adjusts...your's just isn't.
Everytime he walks in the door you feel the tension. He shows little interest in the baby. When he is helping, he isn't listening to your requests.
He makes dinner to be nice and is waiting for you to eat. You are rocking the baby to sleep for the 5th time that day. You want to shower and brush your teeth...he says he is trying but he doesn't understand at all that the baby needs you more. That this won't last forever.
You love the moment he walks out the door to go to work. Finally peace. You can sit and love your baby.
Sex. Anyone can feed him. Anyone can go skiing with him. Anyone can do laundry. Sex is the one thing that is your job. It is the one thing that when times get rough still makes you his wife.
If someone was to break into my home, he would take the bullet for me and the baby. I knew this. He is the husband, that is what he would do. I am the wife, that is what I have to do.
This board drove me crazy for 10 mos. What was wrong with us....no one understood. My family didn't. My friends were shocked since we weren't a couple who fought.
Then lauren started posting after logan was born. I felt validation.
It is scary to be with someone and be so in love with them for years...at the drop of a hat they change. You have to fight through.
this is us. we are at this point (well, i am at this point - he doesnt get it )
we will get through it. its just a rough spot, a normal rough spot but a rough spot nonetheless. 
i have to say though, this post made me tear a little. good to know im not alone in this, feeling sad and hopeless sometimes.
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| Posted 11/4/10 10:10 AM |
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