Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

My DH and I and our 4 month old son spent last weekend at my parents’ place in Long Island. My DS cried everytime anyone in my family (my parents, my grandmother, my sisters) tried to hold him. We saw signs of his stranger anxiety starting two weekends ago during an Easter gathering. But it just breaks my heart to see him cry everytime anyone in my family tries to hold him. He will smile at them and play with them as long as my DH or I am holding him. Even after spending three days at my parents’ house, my DS still cried when my parents tried to hold him on Sunday afternoon.

All I do is cry when I think about it. My DS is fine with my ILs who come over to see him every 2-3 days (we live in Manhattan and so do they). My family lives in Long Island and there is no way for them to see DS more than once a week.

I am so upset and worried that my family is hurt by my son’s reaction. I know it hurts me. Of course, this is no one's fault and I don't blame anyone. This is the first grandchild for both grandparents. I am dreading going to a family function where both sets of grandparents will be there – I don’t know if I can handle seeing him cry with my parents but not with my ILs. It’s not my family’s fault that they can’t come see him everyday. I know it’s a part of the baby’s development and is completely normal and.

But is there anything I can do to get him more comfortable with my family if he can’t see them every 2-3 days?

Thank you for letting me vent – just needed to ramble to feel a little better.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

I havent encountered this yet so I am not sure if my advice is good or not. But if it were me, I would hand DS to my family member and then walk away so he cant see me. Oh and I would hand him over so he was seeing the family member and wouldn't see me walk away, give it a few minutes and return. If your DS sees you he will obviously want you, but if you are out of sight he might settle quicker.

Again I dont know if this is good advice, its just how I would try if I was in your shoes.

This did happen with my niece and honestly it took her until about 18 months to grow out of it, and it didnt matter how often she saw the people. For example she would let me hold her but not my DH she always saw us together. I used to joke that you had to be in her fave 5 circle, because there were only about 5 of us who she would let hold her without freaking out!!!

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

Thank you, Kelly9904.

We definitely tried to get him comfortable by having my parents near him so that he could get used to them.

We actually had to leave him with my parents for 4 hours on Saturday because my husband and I went to a wedding. He cried most of the time and when he wasn't crying, he was either drinking milk or sleeping.

I have heard that it might take him up to 2 years old to be completely comfortable - I guess that thought scares me. It pains me to think that there is some vibe from my parents that he doesn't like...

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

My son had this for a long time! He was very comfortable with us and my parents, since he saw them 4 days a week. My IL's on the other hand, he cried every time he saw them and other relatives too. He stopped around 12 months BUT, he does get shy at times and will cry if someone tries to touch him or hold him.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

My son, who is now 2, had bad stranger anxiety when he was an infant. He would CRY when someone would simply just walk into our house, especially if it was a guy.. he would be hysterical.

DS is still a little weary around some strangers, or people he doesn't see on a weekly basis, like DH's friend (his godfather), or my dad.. but after a few minutes he warms up to them.

The only thing I would recommend is that people don't get right in the baby's face right away. Give them space. They are not familiar and getting close to them right away to say hello scares an infant. They have to warm up and get used to them.

I know how you feel. You feel really bad about it, but the child just has to grow out of it, and they will. It's just a phase and this will pass!

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

I dont think its a vibe. It could be the hair color or facial hair or glasses. Who knows what it is.
Like I said my niece didnt like my DH until she was 18 months old. Her sister was the same way and let me tell you at 18 months it was all about DH. Christmas day she had to open her gifts with my DH, she used to call and leave messages for him, she had to sit near him during dinner, etc. I think she fell in love with him actually.
Her sister now will let my DH do anything with her, and it wasnt just him it was pretty much everyone, she wouldnt let them near her. Now she is so much better.

Dont worry. Talk to your parents and dont make it about how much they do or dont see them, because with anxiety that sometimes has nothing to do with it. DH and I see my neices at least 1x per week and we are always there together and yet she was okay with me but not him. As parents I am sure they will understand that he is just a baby figuring it all out.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

DS did this when he was about 4 mos but it didn't last long. It's just at the time that he's getting more aware of people & things around him. He'll get used to his grandparents soon

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

Well the bright side, stranger anxiety is a good thing and big milestone, he knows his mommy/daddy and daily caretakers.

My oldest DD had bad stranger/separation anxiety. The good news, THEY DO GROW OUT OF IT! My DD started coming out of her shell around 1 years old.

I live a state away from all our families, so she'd cry at everyone. It was hard on the heart, especially since we really only see our families once a month.

My advice-let him play from your arms, tell family to let him warm up before coming into his face or wanting to hold him and always stay nearby him before he works himself up. Def reassure family it's not them, it's just a stage and before they know it, he'll be running over to them.

he will grow out it. It's a real fear to him, just hang in there and reassure everyone it's s a phase. I will say though, it might get worse before it gets better.

What worked alot for my DD was to let her play on the floor next to me, and have family members play with her from a far, then get closer and closer as she got more comfy with them, it took an hour or so, but sooner or later she was on their laps playing.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

Thank you all so much! As always, great pieces of advice and very comforting words.

I will do my best to not let it get to me esp since it's nothing I can control.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

My son will be 21 months old and has EXTREME stranger anxiety, even with people he has seen many times. He never lets anyone but me or my DH hold him, even his grandparents who he sees often. He is now at the point where he will tolerate having them play with him, but he will not let them hold him. I cannot wait for this stage to be over. He's been like this since he's about 8 months old.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

Definitely don't let it get to you because it is out of your control. My son has actually done the opposite. Before he turned 1 he was fine in letting everyone hold him. After he turned 1 it's like a switch went off and now at 21 months he's really shy when company comes over or we go over someone's house. We went to DH's sister's house about 2 weeks ago (his godparents) and he was so shy. As soon as she opened the door DS turned around and hid his face between my legs. Oh and he refuses to move too and sometimes will cry. That's how shy he gets...It takes him a while but eventually he warms up.

I'll never forget this. It was december and some friends of ours came over with their kids to exchange christmas gifts. My son did the usual and turned his head away when they said hello to him. He stood in the same spot and refused to move! All he kept doing was turning his head away. Then all of a sudden he starts crying. All because he was shy.

I guess it runs in the family. I was a shy kid and so was DH. DH said he was so bad that he used to wrap himself around his father's leg whenever they went to someone's house.

Message edited 4/1/2008 1:05:35 PM.

Re: Stranger Anxiety with Grandparents

Oh I forgot to add that the only ones he is not shy with is my parents. He sees them all the time cuz they live next door.