Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I will try to make these two questions brief, but that may not be possible, ha!

first question: So, I don't have the greatest relationship with my inlaws. I find them greatly overbearing (basically taking over) when they are in my home and while they are "nice" about it- it tends to irk me. I do my best to put on a happy face, but sometimes, I get a bit grumpy and usually just separate myself for a few hours instead of lashing out. Anyway, they visited us over labor day weekend (they live in the Midwest) and since then, have not called me to find out how I am feeling etc. -- nada, nothing. (when they left, I thought things were fine -- although there is an issue with when and for how long they plan on coming to visit when the baby is born -- an issue more about DH in my mind, who discussed things with THEM, before discussing it with me -- but that's a different matter :) ) According to DH, they ask him how I am when he speak to them, but they have not reached out to me . I find this both offensive and odd (especially as other relatives of mine have at least texted me to say "how you doing, thinking of you!" etc.). So, first question -- Am I wrong to be offended that since labor day, they have circumvented ME, the pregnant one, to get info about the baby and pregnancy -- yet have made it quite known that they want to be very involved with the baby --- I think it's disrespectful to me and disturbing (think Rosemary's baby, ha!). DH I can tell sort of agrees that it's odd, but when I've raised the issue, he has no answers as to why they haven't reached out (and I don't think its my place to say, "hey, why haven't you even texted me" ) and has not confronted them. He says to me, they are getting the information about me, pregnancy etc. from him, so they ARE asking.

Second question: preface -- SIL is not married (but may be engaged soon) and has no kids of her own. She is about as anally organized and over the top as the come -- (holiday visits come with an hourly agenda, emails are not jovial but "informative" with links etc. - I realize there is a benefit to being organized, but she's OVER THE TOP) Anyway, SIL has been "researching" pregnancy while I'm pregnant and sending DH information about the baby and pregnancy -- to provide him with guidance etc. I find this odd-- it's one thing for her to say "hey, when I was pregnant, this is what worked for me..." but she's NEVER been pregnant, never had a child. So, I just think it's strange that she's researching it and reading as if she were the one who were pregnant. Am I crazy for feeling that way? I feel defensive or threatened almost. Am I being overly sensitive? I cant help but feel like his sister is living vicariously or something -- I don't know. And while, of course, she will be baby's Aunt, she is not the mother. thoughts?

If you've gotten this far, I greatly appreciate it....just trying to decide if I'm just overly sensitive or if his family is straight on cookoo!

thanks!

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I don't know - my ILs don't really communicate much with me...mostly with DH. They ask how I am doing and feeling directly to him. He keeps them informed about my health and they follow up with him. They also ask about our other dd to him only too. Doesn't bother me that much because I honestly am not dying to chat with them that much. Love them - they are actually great, but I just don't care that much that they get their info from DH and not me. It is his family, after all.

As for your SIL - just tell DH to stop sending you the info. It is weird that she is researching - like REALLY weird. But if it is bothering you, tell DH to stop sending it to you.

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I think that's normal that your inlaws go through your DH, and I'm sure if you reached out to them first they would probably ask how you're doing.

As for your SIL, she sounds like my brother, and I know he's coming from a good place. It sounds like she's excited and trying to be helpful. If it turns into her not respecting your decision after the baby is born, then I could see being annoyed, but right now that may be how she's showing she's excited to be an aunt.

I do think your being sensitive and possibly looking too much into things, but you are entitled to feel that way. Maybe tell DH to keep the sisters thoughts to himself and tell him to tell the inlaws when they ask about you next "DW would love to hear from you, why don't you ask her yourself".

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

Thanks, Ladies. I guess since I'm not overly close with inlaws, there is some sense to them asking him --- I guess I just keep thinking "but I'M the pregnant one" and the future mother, and don't want to be circumvented either now or in the future (which I guess is the bigger concern -- i.e. are they going to try to do things with or for the baby in the future and circumvent me) -- I just don't want this to set the tone, like I'm a second class citizen -- as the mom, I am most certainly not! ha!

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

My MIL text me often to ask how I'm feeling- to the point that she is driving me crazy.. BUT I have a great relationship with her.. I talk to her more than my DH does..
Your SIL is weird.. lol

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

The ILs thing I don't think is that strange, because my DH and I tend to do the same thing. We each communicate more with our own parents who will ask us about the other. I guess you could say we aren't super intimately close with each other's parents that we speak to them as often and similarly to our own. Sounds like maybe you desire a more intimate relationship with your ILs where they do reach out to you directly without going through DH. Over time if you put in the effort to reach out to them more directly maybe they will do the same in turn, though probably not quickly enough for things to change during this pregnancy.

Your SIL sounds a little micro-managey and, as you said, anally organized. If she's just sending your DH things like "your baby is the size of a pineapple and growing eye lashes" kind of things, seems harmless. If it starts extending into telling you both how to manage the pregnancy, what to do or not do and then how to raise your child and parent, that's overstepping boundaries and more than a little strange.

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

Posted by Cacarina

I don't know - my ILs don't really communicate much with me...mostly with DH. They ask how I am doing and feeling directly to him. He keeps them informed about my health and they follow up with him. They also ask about our other dd to him only too. Doesn't bother me that much because I honestly am not dying to chat with them that much. Love them - they are actually great, but I just don't care that much that they get their info from DH and not me. It is his family, after all.

As for your SIL - just tell DH to stop sending you the info. It is weird that she is researching - like REALLY weird. But if it is bothering you, tell DH to stop sending it to you.

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

For the first part, I think you're being overly sensitive. If they're overbearing why would you WANT them to contact you? They'd probably bombard you with advice that you don't want or need. I'm very close with my ILs (work with my MIL) and my DH works with his father. They don't call me up to ask me about my pregnancy. MIL will ask at work when she sees me and FIL will ask when I see him, but they both see DH everyday and ask him how I'm doing. Not offended at all.

The second part... I think it just comes with the being pregnant territory. I would never weigh in on a subject I knew nothing about, but so many people feel the need to! I have a friend who is going to school for nursing and she has had ONE hour long lecture about pregnancy and delivery and she tries to "school" me when I see her. I mentioned something about the heartbeat and she told me "It's totally normal." Uhhh, I know. I asked my actual doctor... and also google. And also other pregnant women and mothers. And my aunt who is an actual L&D nurse. And basically ANYONE but a nursing student. I just wouldn't take it too seriously. Maybe your DH finds it helpful/comforting, but I'd tell him to ask YOU if he has questions. Every pregnancy is different and most aren't textbook.

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I think the first part is normal. I announced my pregnancy on labor day and I haven't spoken to my in laws since. My husband talks to them and that's fine by me. The SIL part is strange and annoying.

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

Yeah, I was pretty annoyed by my in-laws too when I got pregnant. We announced it at our 4th of July family gathering and it was kind of annoying because it seemed like everybody just kind of congratulated DH and not me. WTF? lol. I've been married to him 7 years, why am I not included in that? I'm 9 months along now and it's still barely acknowledged. Like SIL was trying to get DH to take part in a Christmas outing with the family which falls one week after my due date. It's just weird. It's not like we have 5 kids and the excitement is just kind of "ok, been there, done that". This is only #2 and DD is 4 yrs old so there's quite a gap from the last time I was pregnant too. Oh well. I honestly just don't let it bother me. It did at first, but I don't really care if I don't have a close relationship with them. I have a close relationship with MY family and that's all that matters. If I were you, I'd do the same. Just don't let it get to you. In-laws can just be weird for some reason.

Message edited 11/16/2015 3:49:22 PM.

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

Do you call your in-laws to talk and check on them? My in-laws called me when I was pregnant, but we talk regularly.

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

my MIL is extremely overbearing. she texts me to check in on me every few days or so and always says something like i know you're tired so i don't want to bother you. i know she asks my husband how i'm doing every day though. we also update her after every doctor's appointment. my MIL and i don't have a bad relationship, but i don't mind that she goes to my husband b/c i don't always want to talk to her.

as for your SIL, it seems a little strange, but maybe she's just excited about becoming an aunt and this is her way of showing it?

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I'm crashing but I had to respond to this. My mil would ask me how I was feeling like this "how are you feeling, Sarah. Tired? You're tired right?" Like there was no other way to be when you are pregnant. Drove me nutty. Yes I know you are tired a lot when you are pregnant, but I can be other things too. Dh never got it. My sil went thru it, too.

As far as your sil, tell your Dh not to show you or to have her stop sending this info. Hell I've been pregnant twice and never send any info to pregnant moms, unless they asked.

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I don't speak to my ILs unless it's in person so the fact they they have not called you is not strage IMO. If they didn't even ask your DH then yes I would find it odd.

As for the SIL. Imo who cares. I would chalk it up to her beig weird and move on.

Neither things I would spend much time on.

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

The first wouldn't bother me but I don't talk to them on the phone.

Second is a bit weird and annoying

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

I talk to my ILs via text a lot, but I check in on them too to see how they are doing and they do the same for me. I actually speak to them more than DH does so they definitely ask me how I'm doing quite often.

I can see everyone is saying SIL sounds annoying/weird but is she just really excited for her niece or nephew? It's not something I'd ever do but one of my SILs has been suggesting I see her hollistic medicine doctor to "ease" my pregnancy (though I think I'm having the easiest pregnancy ever). It's actually getting a bit annoying even though I've said I'm not interested a few times. Anyways, just a thought! Maybe she's just THAT excited?

Message edited 11/16/2015 5:43:32 PM.

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

The only time I've been asked how I'm feeling is by my FIL when he sees me. I do overhear him ask DH on the phone as well. The rest of them have never asked and I'd prefer it that way because I don't like them. If you don't normally speak to them yourself, I don't think it's too odd that they don't reach out to you directly.

The thing with your SIL is weird for sure. Does she think you're not doing your own research?

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

Thanks all. So, I guess consensus is its not weird for my inlaws to ignore me directly. I guess I see the view points here and, since I ultimately don't want their constant involvement, I can't have it both ways. I see that. I guess a lot of this is just concern over their tendency to be overbearing even in my own home, so I don't want to them to take over when i have the baby either while choosing to ignore me (but if that's the case, I will have to say something because its one thing to reorganize my linen closet without me, quite another to think they are going to raise my child, lol!).

As for SIL-- she is just a bit of an odd duck EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING is done on a spreadsheet, lol, and she likes to be overly informed. perhaps its just her opportunity to follow along for when/if she gets pregnant some day. ....she's mostly advising DH of her "research" -- but at least others think its a bit odd as well....as I'm learning, while reading about being pregnant is very important, there is no substitute for the drs. and actually experiencing it....I'll do my best to just ignore her. LOL. THANKS!!

Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

My MIL hasn't asked me how Im doing either, and it bugs me too. She texted me the other day to give her love to DH and dd, and I was just thinking...what about me?

The SIL thing seems strange, but maybe she's just that type of person who likes to learn and share? Still would be kind of annoying though. With my first pregnancy, my MIL signed up to get weekly pregnancy emailed about the growth of the baby, as if she was the pregnant one. Then she would constantly forward them to me, even though I told her I was already signed up for those emails. It bugged me, but I guess she just really wanted to be included in that pregnancy (even though she seems to not be able to care less about this one )

I will also say, that while pregnant,,and in the months following giving birth, your hormones are going crazy, and you will probably get annoyed at lots of things that normally might not bother you as much. It happened to me with my first. Everything drove me crazy and I worried about everything. I'm trying not to let my hormones get the best of me this time, but it's hard!

Re: Tell the truth-- am I just being overly sensitive and irrational?

My ILs never acknowledged me in my pregnancies or postpartum. It was waaaay worse postpartum. That's just how they are. It bothers DH tremendously that their behavior is this way.

I think it's nice that SIL is taking interest. Without experiencing pregnancy yourself it's really a very foreign concept and she is probably trying to relate the only way she knows how. At least she is aknowledging the pregnancy to your DH in some way.