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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by avabrodymamma
I don't think there was anything wrong with her article. Do I feel the same way? No, but I can understand what she is saying.
She is saying something that many people may feel, but have never said.
ITA...
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Posted 4/12/13 9:49 AM |
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drpepper318
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I responded on the cf board, but I'll say here, I just don't know what to think about this.
I definitely think she's not a very nice person, to not care of her son lived or died & to not get panicked when she realized she left him on the street... that seems "off" to me. I don't have kids yet but will in a few months but I can't imagine that apathy. For a long time I didn't want any & I feel that her reasons for not wanting children are valid, no argument with that.
However, to fully regret having a child once it's been created & not feeling an attachment to them just seems pretty heartless to me. She took care of them out of obligation & force of will, which is obviously better than if she'd killed them or abused them, but didn't really having loving feelings toward them, which I find sad. But also terrifying that this is an actual possibility & truly hope I don't resent my baby. She also seems awfully judgmental toward others when she herself is saying some questionable things about her own parenting experience.
I just don't know what to think about this, it leaves me I do feel sorry for her kids though to be unwanted like that, but luckily they seem to have turned out ok emotionally. I don't know.
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Posted 4/12/13 9:51 AM |
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Paramount
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I actually think this is a good article. (In the sense that..) It will bring into perspective a few things for people thinking MAYBE I want a kid, MAYBE I wont. Its shows the side of not feeling "forced" to having kids when you dont want them.
I could not read the entire article. But I get the gist from all the posts. I think we all agree her life would be better off if she never had kids. Hopefully this article will HELP someone thinking the same thing. Maybe they wont have kids knowing its a good choice for them.
Message edited 4/12/2013 10:03:34 AM.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:03 AM |
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nrthshgrl
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I'm glad she learned to love them. I understand what she meant when attachment didn't strike her right away & she had that feeling of "what have I done?" because I had the same thing thinking "I am not qualified to be a parent."
But the rest is so foreign to me. I've never met anyone that voiced that they regretted having kids. They may have regretted who they had them with, the struggle, the timing, etc but the kids themselves, no.
I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids. I think not wanting kids & having them is just a crappy thing to do but what's even more crappy is telling your kids that you regret having them & never telling them you love them.
She judges moms who go back to work after their maternity leave is up? "Why have them at all if you don't want to bring them up.....And why pretend you wanted them if you have no intention of raising them?" when she didn't want her kids to begin with? She writes about raising her kids like it was her dead end job. I'm glad they had an affectionate dad. I find it extremely ironic that the person that didn't want kids, didn't want to raise them or care for them (but did it anyway) is now responsible for a lifetime of care of her adult daughter.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:03 AM |
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rojerono
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I don't mind the honesty. She is entitled to her feelings. I read it with a wish that she had not bothered to have children.. but to each there own.
And she's likely correct, she can't be the only person in the world who feels this way.
The ONLY part that irritated me was her judgement about working parents - in part because *I* am a working mother, but also because I'm just sick to death of people (especially mothers) judging anyone else for their methods.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:09 AM |
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GioiaMia
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I read the entire article and if I had any feelings for her I would feel sad for her. . . and since I don't have any feelings for her I could actually watch her painfully die in front of me and not care. . . .
oh wait is something wrong with saying that???? she basically states it about a newborn baby. . .
she obviously has severe mental issues, and I cannot believe people are reading this as a "CF" view when she is NOT CF, had the CHOICE to remain CF and CHOSE not to NOT ONCE BUT TWICE.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:17 AM |
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evrythng4areason
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
This is a tough one for me.
-I don't think all women are born with a maternal drive. It also seems like she took good care of her children their entire lives, and she obviously loves her husband quite a bit, and doesn't seem to resent him for wanting children. I also don't agree that love is all children need-she truly wanted to raise them right and loved them, just missed her self time. I don't think the jab at working moms was necessary, nor were the other jabs that she made.
However, I have the feeling these feelings weren't suddenly revealed to her children in this article. You don't grow up with a parent and all of a sudden discover that they have an opinion such as that.
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Message edited 4/11/2014 11:06:44 AM.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:21 AM |
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MandJZ
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:26 AM |
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GioiaMia
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by evrythng4areason
This is a tough one for me.
I'm pretty sure my mother would have been happier without kids, so I can kind of understand the woman's perspective-I don't think all women are born with a maternal drive. It also seems like she took good care of her children their entire lives, and she obviously loves her husband quite a bit, and doesn't seem to resent him for wanting children. I also don't agree that love is all children need-she truly wanted to raise them right and loved them, just missed her self time. I don't think the jab at working moms was necessary, nor were the other jabs that she made.
However, I have the feeling these feelings weren't suddenly revealed to her children in this article. You don't grow up with a parent and all of a sudden discover that they have an opinion such as that.
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
I honestly think if you are with two children all day and night and you form NO connection to them at all, other than feeling obligated to them - you have to have a mental illness. I love my fish more than this woman loves her kids.
And also she CHOSE to have TWO kids. . . KNOWING how she felt. . .that to me is the sign of a mental illness . . .it was almost like she had the children to prove the point that she shouldnt have.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:27 AM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by JennP
Lots of judgment from someone who subjected her family to embarrassment and never played with her children.
When my son hugs me and says "I love you mommy" he gives me much more than I could ever give him.
I feel sad for this woman and her family.
I agree. I think she is horribly cruel and who knows how her children have suffered. This is why boys grow up to be men who have lady parts in their freezers.
What a cruel twist of fate that her daughter is bedridden and she'll have to care for her for the rest of her life.
I think this woman is a sociopath. To see your infant blue and swept away by Dr's and not even care? I'm sorry that is not confidence and independence that is disgusting.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:33 AM |
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MrsA1012
love my little girl !
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I found the article very sad and disturbing. Her poor kids...
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Posted 4/12/13 10:34 AM |
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DRMom
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:36 AM |
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StaceyWill
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
ITA!!
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Posted 4/12/13 10:39 AM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
Honestly, the first example, to me sounds like severe PPD. Yes of course many women would be terrified and inconsolable, but the hormones right after giving birth are insane, and very severe PPD is a real thing.
Listen, I'm not 100% defending her or saying I think she is amazing. I just don't think she is mentally ill necessarily, and I don't think she is missing the essence of womanhood as was suggested.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:41 AM |
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Pomegranate5
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
Honestly, the first example, to me sounds like severe PPD. Yes of course many women would be terrified and inconsolable, but the hormones right after giving birth are insane, and very severe PPD is a real thing.
Listen, I'm not 100% defending her or saying I think she is amazing. I just don't think she is mentally ill necessarily, and I don't think she is missing the essence of womanhood as was suggested.
I am not arguing that she has a mental illness. But actually, the hormones rushing through your body during and immediately after the birth are ones that cause rushes of happiness and love for your new baby. The harsh crash comes days, weeks later. So for her to not care if that baby was going to die is bizarre and does, in fact, go against what "should" be natural at that point.
Again, not saying she is mentally ill. But that was not PPD.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:47 AM |
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name: Melissa
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by Pomegranate5
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
Honestly, the first example, to me sounds like severe PPD. Yes of course many women would be terrified and inconsolable, but the hormones right after giving birth are insane, and very severe PPD is a real thing.
Listen, I'm not 100% defending her or saying I think she is amazing. I just don't think she is mentally ill necessarily, and I don't think she is missing the essence of womanhood as was suggested.
I am not arguing that she has a mental illness. But actually, the hormones rushing through your body during and immediately after the birth are ones that cause rushes of happiness and love for your new baby. The harsh crash comes days, weeks later. So for her to not care if that baby was going to die is bizarre and does, in fact, go against what "should" be natural at that point.
Again, not saying she is mentally ill. But that was not PPD.
Yes-I had twins so I had tons of hormones racing through my body. i dont think PPD makes you uncaring whether your baby lives or dies. Most of what I know PPD to be is emotions swinging wildly-happiness to sadness, anxiety that you wont be able to take care of this baby(ies) etc.
Meredith-we can agree to disagree, because she is a sick sick woman
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Posted 4/12/13 10:50 AM |
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MrsA1012
love my little girl !
Member since 9/10 5777 total posts
Name: Me
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
Yes, this exactly. A very sick person.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:54 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
I wondered if she had an attachment disorder just based on her ambivalence.
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Posted 4/12/13 10:56 AM |
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blu6385
Member since 5/08 8351 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by DiamondGirl
Posted by blu6385
i didnt find the article that bad until she took a jab at FTWM but either way she has every right to feel the way she does.
yeah this annoyed me also, like people shouldnt have children unless they can afford or desire to be with them every waking moment. Maybe she hated being a mom bc she was too dense to find the right balance for herself
exactly maybe if she did work and did more for herself she would have appreciated being a mom more. Be a SAHM is not for everyone
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Posted 4/12/13 11:00 AM |
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starr
little whale on the way
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by DRMom
Posted by MandJZ
Posted by evrythng4areason
It's a different perspective, and people tend to get all bugged out by different opinions.
I'm curious though, as to why people automatically think she has mental issues?
Yes! I am curious about this as well.
I think she has mental issues for a few reasons.
1. her newborn was blue with a cord wrapped around his neck. She had no idea if he would live or die and she did not care
2. She left her son in front of a store and TOTALLY FORGOT him, walked right by his stroller and then immediately thought of her DOG first, rather than her baby left alone in a stroller on a street
The whole tone of the article.
I wondered if she had an attachment disorder just based on her ambivalence.
yes the ambivalance while saying that she did learn to love them and now caring for her daughter and willing to give anything for her not to have MS. just seems odd while saying all of that she is still maintaining that they didnt give anything back.
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Posted 4/12/13 11:18 AM |
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BunnyWife
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by DRMom
Meredith-we can agree to disagree, because she is a sick sick woman
I think we may also being looking at a person who may have slightly changed her feelings for emphasis within the confines of this article. You know - Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story. This is a women who should have never had kids although she does sound like she was not a "bad" (whatever the means) mother.
My MIL has told me more then once that if she had life to do over, she would not have had kids. She loves my husband and sister in law but the sacrifices she made for them changed her whole life. She was a brilliant writer with a full scholarship to Syracuse University at 16. A very smart woman. She gave it all up to be a mom. This was also 1960. Certain things were expected and having kids was one of those things.
My husband and I are child-free by choice. I have never felt the need or want for kids. I also love our life and have no interest in changing or adapting it for a child. I certainly don't feel that I'm "less of a woman" because I don't want kids.
Message edited 4/12/2013 11:21:27 AM.
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Posted 4/12/13 11:20 AM |
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kahlua716
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Name: Keri
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by maybebaby
So many thoughts/emotions while reading this.
I could never understand how someone could have children but feel nothing towards them or to feel complete regret...
But at the same time, I don't "hate" her. I feel she made a poor choice to go against what she felt her whole life...you cannot just give your spouse children because you feel its the right thing to do...you HAVE to WANT children.
My cousin knows 100% she doesn't want kids and I commend her for it. Why bring kids into a world to fulfill someone elses wishes?
I find it sad she wrote so openly and can honestly write those things knowing her children now know her feelings. I would be devastated to read that if it were my mother...
And with all that being said, I DO believe she "loves" them. I believe she cares for them and wants the best for them. But those inherent maternal feelings just aren't there. Very very odd!
I agree. I'm also kind of jealous that she got to sit and read a book in peace on vacation while her husband chased after the kids.
I'd like to have just 1 day like that
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Posted 4/12/13 11:27 AM |
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AScottWolf
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Ok, now that I'm awake I can fully respond to this.
I think it's important to state and understand that love/caring, bonding, attachment are independent of one another. You don't have to have one in order to have another.
I don't question this mother's love for her children. I belive she never developed that innate attachment with them that most of us have no control over anyway.
It was a choice to have children. It wasn't a choice to not build an attachment with them. However, regardless of her attachment style (which is all this really boils down to) she obviously co-parented with her husband and raised 2 grown, successful adults. Her daughter shares her mothers views on children but also had enough trust in her relationship with her mother that she felt comfortable enough to discuss the fact that her mom never said, "I love you."
As for the fact that she thought it was selfish to have only 1 child, my mother believes the same thing (and I am an only child but that was out of her control). At least for me, I'm viewing that statement as, "it's not fair to my child to not have a sibling to grow up with and share experiences with etc." I don't think she was talking about herself at all. Although others could argue differently which I can understand too. I think she had the second child because apparently her relationship with her husband was solid enough, and he picked up the weight that she "couldn't" (not wouldn't) that she felt confident in how this child would be raised.
From how this article is written, it wouldn't surprise me if she's been in therapy for years with these issues. She knew the feelings she had weren't "normal". She knew this isn't how things "should" be. I wouldn't be surprised if this article was actually part of her therapy.
As for publically writting this and not keeping it anonymous, I don't know. It seems like this family is pretty open with their feelings for one another (good and bad) and this isn't anything that the "kids" haven't heard before. It also wouldn't surprise me if they were all in family therapy together at some point.
Oh, as for her son's birth. I'm making a BIG assumption here (but we all are) but, from what I see, I don't think it's about weather she cared if her child lived or died. I think if her son did pass away she would respond with sadness, but the same amount of sadness that she would experience for the death of any child, not necessarily her own. Forgetting her kid outside the bakery (or whatever store), yes, lapse of judgement. 100%. Does it make her mother of the year? Of course not. But it also doesn't make her the worst mother ever.
For me, this comes down to a woman who COULDN'T form an attachment to her children. Not a woman who WOULDN'T.
Message edited 4/12/2013 11:42:45 AM.
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Posted 4/12/13 11:35 AM |
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meloyellow
LIF Adult
Member since 3/13 1843 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by BunnyWife
Posted by DRMom
Meredith-we can agree to disagree, because she is a sick sick woman
I think we may also being looking at a person who may have slightly changed her feelings for emphasis within the confines of this article. You know - Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story. This is a women who should have never had kids although she does sound like she was not a "bad" (whatever the means) mother.
My MIL has told me more then once that if she had life to do over, she would not have had kids. She loves my husband and sister in law but the sacrifices she made for them changed her whole life. She was a brilliant writer with a full scholarship to Syracuse University at 16. A very smart woman. She gave it all up to be a mom. This was also 1960. Certain things were expected and having kids was one of those things.
My husband and I are child-free by choice. I have never felt the need or want for kids. I also love our life and have no interest in changing or adapting it for a child. I certainly don't feel that I'm "less of a woman" because I don't want kids.
See, I can understand not wanting kids bc you either just don't want them or you feel a stronger drive to focus on other accomplishments. I get that. I just don't think this woman falls into either of those categories. I can even understand looking back and saying If I had to do it all again I wouldn't have had kids. As a mother that seems a bit cold to me bc after raising them I would hope as a parent they could see the wonder in raising a child. BUT I can understand someone feeling like they could have accomplished more. but this lady isn't saying that. She just misses her alone time to read and relax.
I don't think there is a mother on earth that doesn't miss having more "me time" but the difference is that most don't wish their children were never born. This woman said she doesn't feel that her children give anything worthwhile back. That's the part I don't get.
My son hugs me, kisses me. he must have said "momma" about 400 times yesterday. it damn near drove me insane. But the fact that he calls my name and genuinely wants me to see his every move and be involved with his playing and his discovery of the world warms my heart so much that I can't even get mad. I appreciate life so much more. I see how my son sees the world in wonder and it makes me appreciate simple things I take for granted as well. My son sees a flower and comes running up to me handing it to me saying "wower, wower momma, wower" how can that not be worthwhile?
before my son, I wasn't afraid of death. I always felt "well if it's my time then it's my time" but now, as a mom...I WANT to be here for as long as I possibly can. He has given me new appreciation for life in so many ways. There is nothing more worthwhile to me than that.
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Posted 4/12/13 11:41 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by AScottWolf It was a choice to have children. It wasn't a choice to not build an attachment with them.
edited for space
For me, this comes down to a woman who COULDN'T form an attachment to her children. Not a woman who WOULDN'T.
But if she writes that she never wanted children & knew it would be a sticking point in her marriage if she didn't have them?
I think she had kids because it was a dealbreaker with her husband & she had a choice, have kids or don't be married to the guy that wants kids. She's not the first person to debate that with her husband. I'm sure she's not the first person to have kids she didn't want to have them.
But I think it's more than not forming an attachment. She didn't want them to begin with & while she claims she was an attentive parent (leaving your baby & being more concerned for your dog doesn't scream "conscientious parent" to me.) & did love them, she didn't tell them that??
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Posted 4/12/13 11:47 AM |
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