Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

This is tough for me to even come out and say. But I really feel like my mom isn't into my 2 children.

I'm sure she loves them in her own way, just like I have no clue where I stand in her world.

But it really bothers me how she only wants them around at her convenience.

I think she would rather show them off then actually spend time with them.
She never comes over my house (even when I lived 5 min from her). And when we are around her she hates that they "get into" her stuff.

I told her I would buy her safety locks and whatever else so they can't go in her china cabinet but she didn't want them.

I don't know..I am very stressed out about this. I know my mom doesn't really "care" for me but I wish she didn't take it out on my kids too.

These are her only 2 grandkids. It's only me and my brother and he probably won't have kids for quite some time if he ever has kds.

I know I wrote a lot, but does anyone else have this type of relationship and can relate?

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

MY MIL is great, but DS is her 4th grandson, she def adores him, but she doesnt exactly go out of her way to see him. I wonder if i had a little girl (shes dying for a granddaughter) if it would be different, or if my DS looked like her as it bothers her, he deosnt

Message edited 8/8/2008 10:32:10 AM.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

My father died before either of my children were born. He was always a great Poppa to all his grands though.

My mom - almost literally - lived for my sons. She could not go a single day without seeing them. She gave so much of herself. She wasn't perfect - she still smoked - but she made her house smoke free. She didn't baby safe her house - but she didn't let them go out of her sight for a minute.

Now.. my MIL.. *sigh*

My mother in law is very clear that she has favorites. Her youngest daughter's children are favored by her to an extreme degree. I know why. I accept it. But it still stings. She also recently told my other SIL that she should have another child and that she would watch the baby free of charge while my SIL went back to work. Um... when I was DESPERATE for a babysitter after my mom died, she told me she couldn't do it. When Robbie was an infant she told me she was past the baby stage and couldn't watch him.

I don't stress about it too much anymore. I just let it go.

It does hurt.. but it is NOT a reflection on you or your gorgeous kids.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

DH's family has nothing to do with DD but DH's son (with an ex-gf) is EVERYTHING to them.

Just because my MIL doesn't care for me she takes it out on our child. My MIL was/is even stalking me on here just so she can print it out & possibly, maybe one day use it against me. Which I think is HYSTERICAL because everything that I say on here I would say IRL.

DH & I plan to have more kids & it's nothing but sad that his family will never get to know their 'other' grandchildren.

How can you do for one but not the other? How is DD & our other children going to feel as they gets older & their big brother & cousin are getting showered with gifts & they get nothing?? It just makes DH's family look like idiots.

In the past I tried to have a relationship with her even after all the horrible nasty things she said about me to DH but I choose not to have DD around my MIL b.c she is an alcoholic. She got PLASTERED at our wedding & had to be pretty much carried out. During DH's mother/son dance he was holding her up. But according to her she doesn't have a problem So unfortunately for DH's family they will miss out on an amazing little girls life but believe me there is enough love from my family.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

I can relate.

I honestly feel that my ILs are just not that into my DS. They have two other granddaughters that they absolutely shower with affection and attention... and another one on the way. I try to tell myself that it's just because they live OOS with those granddaughters, but it's more than that.

My MIL & FIL have made ZERO effort to see Jake since his Christening. In three years, they could not make one ounce of effort to come and see him.

I know my MIL loves him, but the extreme lack of effort to see him, talk to him, be a part of his life is VERY hurtful to me and DH.

Sometimes it really bothers me to see so many girls on here b!tching and moaning about how much time their ILs want to spend with their children, when I would love for my DS to get a 1/4 of that attention from his grandmother. Hey, listen, I can totally understand an overbearing MIL even though I don't have one, but I would be SO grateful for a MIL who wanted to spend so much time with my son and do nothing but dote on him. I don't have much family left here in NY that I feel I can truly count on to watch Jake. I can only dream of how nice it must be to have parents or ILs around to leave your child with that want nothing more than to be with them.

When my MIL IS with DS (the times we've packed up our entire lives and hauled our azzes on a 10 hr drive with a child to see THEM), she treats him wonderfully, no complaints there, but in a way - I really do know where you are coming from. It's very hurtful to feel like your kids are not the highlight of their grandparents' lives... like you see with others and like you hear it should be.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Not entirely on topic, but I'm a little disappointed that my sister isn't more involved.

I expected her to be a doting auntie and instead she seems to have very little desire to take steps to see him.

It's like I have to force it and she doesn't ask about him unless I bring it up.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Sounds like my mom to a T. She lives out of state, but my sister deals with this all the time. When she does comes to visit, she is not even nice to me or my children.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

I could have almost wrote your post, word for word.

It's not that my mother doesn't love her grandsons. She does. I'm sure more than she loves me. But she loves them when it's convenient for her.

I am a SAHM. Been so for 6.5 years. I NEVER ask my mother to babysit, because I'm always here. The RARE occasions that I do, she huffs and puffs and has to check if my father is off from work.

My mother DOTES on my father. It's nauseating. The man can't do ONE friggin thing for himself.

I'm not kidding.

My 6 year old is WAY more independant than my father.

So, if my father is home, my mother comes up with 10 million reasons why she can't leave him.

It's ridiculous really.

Or if my mother watches the kids so I can go to the doctor, or wherever (only necessary things. I could NEVER ask her to watch my kids so I could get a manicure or something), I get a curfew and a "hurry back cause I have to do x, y and z".

I swear to God...it's getting old and I'm so tired of it.

So I defintely feel your pain. I live it every single day myself.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

My MIL is the same way. Since we have been in our house (about 3 1/2 years now) she has only been here about 5 times and that is only on holidays - where she shows up late and magically has to leave early to walk the dog

I was really hoping that it would change with DD here, but she managed to show up late and leave early from the christening too - same thing with her first birthday. They left before cake on both occasions. We have offered to bring DD to see her in Queens, but it never seems to be a good time or she has something else going on.

She has babysat for DD exactly one time in almost 2 years and the last time DH asked if she was ready to watch her again her response was based around her schedule at her pool and when they would be closing for the season

I have come to the conclusion that there isn't much that I can do. It makes me sad for DH - I know it must hurt him (as it does you) and I am sad that DD will one day realize how her grandmother is treating her.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

I can relate.

My dad was the center of my mom's universe - we came 2, 3, 4th, whatever. Both my parents are very selfish self-centered people. They both (now divorced) do see my DS once in awhile, but it is more of a routine then that they have made an effort...very superficial....

I'm ok with it - someone told me when I was pg that I needed to put all the old family drama and hurt (I could go on and on) behind me as this was my new family now. And that I get to choose who is part of it and how to raise my kids. I think of this often, and truly believe it. I do not want my DS to grow up like I did. We surround him and ourselves with other family and friends who love him. Yes, it will be different when he is older and has friends who have grandparents in their lives, but he will always be loved. Not sure how I will handle any discussions about other family members when the time comes.

Hang in there! You'll figure out this situation and what's best for your family. We decided right away to not make a habit of bring DS everywhere to cater to others - we say that they are welcome in our home whenever they want to see him.

PS - my DH doens't talk to his parents (we are a great match...) so I don't have any IL experiences...

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

As much as I love my Dad, he's really not into it (my mother is not in the picture at all) and it makes me kinda sad.

Message edited 8/8/2008 2:55:33 PM.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

this makes me feel so sad when people go through this. How could grandparents be so heartless. My cousin in law has the same problem with her Ex MIL. I just dont understand it. Much to you.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

My father doesn't like kids......I definitely do NOT expect him to bounce my kids on his knee.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

I dealt with growing up with a set of grandparents like that Well really it was my grandfather & grandma got dragged into the not seeing us because of him. I remember him once saying he can't be bothered with "that drive all the way out there" to visit. HELLO.....30 miles is too far?!!!


My advice is this..........whatever grandparents your children have that DO love to see them, let them be close with them. They will have an extra special relationship with them!!

Don't force it on the others and if they loose out, it's really their own lose. I am VERY close to my other Grandma because she always WANTED to have us over & spend time with us! At 83 years old she STILL loves it!!

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

My ILs have made no attempt to come to our house to see DD. Not one member of DH's family has come to my house since she was born. My MIL is very affectionate with her when she sees her, but that's only if we bring DD to her. DH's grandmother hates me and she just met DD by chance last weekend, but didn't attempt hold her and refused to take a picture with her.

It upsets DH a LOT, especially because my family makes such a big deal over her.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

My Mom & Dad have recently been going through a divorce. My dad didn't see Emily nearly as much as my mom beforehand, but now that they aren't living together (it's been about a year snce he moved out) it's even less.

I feel like he has chosen his new life, new GF, over us.....and his grandchildren especially which makes me so sad.

We've lived in our house for almost 3 years. He has been here maybe 3 times. Only once in the past year since he left my mom.

He just shows NO interest....

The other day I was on the phone with him. My 20 year old sister works with him so I call her daily at work, and sometimes he picks up the phone. Emily asked to speak with her poppy...

She was so excited to tell him that her Grandad (my FIL) was home from England, that we picked him up from the airport and she's so excited because "she loves Grandad so much and really really missed him."

It made me wonder if she misses Poppy so much......or if she even has the same feelings for him....because she barely knows him.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

my dad- he's just not into children period. Im not sure why he even had children- he said it was my mom's idea. I would NEVER ever ask him to babysit. He is the total non affectionate, understanding parent.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Posted by joenick

I could have almost wrote your post, word for word.

It's not that my mother doesn't love her grandsons. She does. I'm sure more than she loves me. But she loves them when it's convenient for her.

I am a SAHM. Been so for 6.5 years. I NEVER ask my mother to babysit, because I'm always here. The RARE occasions that I do, she huffs and puffs and has to check if my father is off from work.

My mother DOTES on my father. It's nauseating. The man can't do ONE friggin thing for himself.

I'm not kidding.

My 6 year old is WAY more independant than my father.

So, if my father is home, my mother comes up with 10 million reasons why she can't leave him.

It's ridiculous really.

Or if my mother watches the kids so I can go to the doctor, or wherever (only necessary things. I could NEVER ask her to watch my kids so I could get a manicure or something), I get a curfew and a "hurry back cause I have to do x, y and z".

I swear to God...it's getting old and I'm so tired of it.

So I defintely feel your pain. I live it every single day myself.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

well... my mom lives 15 min from me.

shes seen her grandbabies 5 times.....





i know what your going through.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

i am glad I am not alone. It hurts so much and it really affects me on a daily basis.

I really feel like I have no one and it hurts.

I only have 1 brother (he is 21) and he never wants to do anything with me. I am trying to get close to him but its a failure.

I already spoke about my mom.

My dad is great but he is in his own world. He works alot and is always fixing something at the house to please my mom.

I have 2 aunts in the area, but they are busy with their own life.

It just really hurts to feel like there is no one out there.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Right there with you. My father never gave a crap about me. It was all about my brother and his girlfriend's (my mom's former best friend) kids.

I thought when I had kids since these would be his first that he would be a good grandfather since he was to her grandkids.

Well he has never met my son and he hasn't seen my daughter since Dec 06. When he was seeing her he would only come to see her on the way back from spending the day with my grandmother. Other than that the only other time was when other people were going to be around and he wanted to show them off.

My ILs live out of state and only come up once a year. My children are grandchildren #11 and #12. Quite honestly they could care less getting to know my kids. They expect my daughter to fawn all over them (ok well really just my MIL expects this.) and when she doesn't she tells her to go away and that she is a brat and she is going to tell santa clause she was bad oh and my daughter now believes all these rainstorms are her fault because my MIL told her the rain storms are good crying because she's bad. (She even said today I am sorry I am so bad that I make God cry all the time

I can sadly totally relate. Feel free to FM if you ever want to vent.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

Thank you everyone for your response. I really appreciate all the FMs and posts.

Re: Tough Post: Is anyone's parents "not' into the grandkids?

I'm so sorry to hear this from so many people. I could never understand that my friend's parents never wanted to spend time with her kids or she couldn't drop them off to babysit. Her ILs are too old and frail to take care of the kids. But like someone said, surround yourself with people who do love your kids. I love her kids and will babysit for them anytime.

sometimes blood is not thicker than water...


FIL dies a long time ago, so DH's aunt helped to raise him from the time he was a baby until 9/10 (he called his uncle "daddy") She told me recently, that she loved her granddaughter more than she loved our kids. Not that she didn't love our kids, but her granddaughter more???? WTH? I blew it off, but she dotes over DH and tells everyone that he is her son...it's very confusing. I don't know what goes through some people's heads.