***UPDATED***(BOTTOM) Pregnancy changing our relationship...

First let me say that this pregnancy was a complete and utter surprise.. a.k.a accident. I was a mess crying, etc when I found out because we werent planning on having kids for 2-3years, and for good reason... we are no where near ready. Surprisingly enough he said he was happy and therefore I was happy too.

Now im about 18 weeks and all we do is fight and 80% of the time it has to do w/ the pregnancy.

The first trimester I was deathly sick, throwing up everyday, 2 hospital visits, nausea.. the works basically. All he did was complain that the apt. was getting messy, there was no dinner ready when he came home from work and he was living like a single guy cause there was no sex. I literally cried myself to sleep at night and he was right there and didnt say a word.

Now that I feel better in my second trimester I have started to cook again and try to clean as much as I can but not as often because I dont want to use the chemicals im used to cleaning with-clorox, etc. His main thing is the sex part and Im truly not doing it to torture him like he thinks, I just have ZERO mood for it. I really really cant. I would think he could be understanding about it, but he's not.

He just came home from work right now and didnt even look at me or say hi. Then he took the car keys and I asked where he was going and he says, "to fix the tire that's been needing air for 2 days now but your too lazy to do it."

I feel like since I got pregnant everything has changed, and not for the better. I feel like he resents me or something...he is the one who was "happy" about this preganancy. I feel like he doesnt even acknowledge that im pregnanct because I dont have a huge belly thats obvious to him?! What, do I have to be HUGE and barely able to walk for him to be nice to me?

Anyone else's relationship not so hot right now? Or is my husband the only non-understanding a$$?

Message edited 3/14/2010 8:30:52 PM.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

first i would like to give you the biggest hug and say it will be ok.

Second I'm somewhat on the same boat. my husband said ive changes since ive been pregnant and dont pay alot of attention to him.(sex dept too). but i tell him all the time but its like talking to a 2yr old and we work oppsite sch. and i dont see him often and when we do see eachother we both are doing errans or having dinner with someone etc. but he thinks here for a 5min quickie when he wants and thats not gonna happen. also i do all the cleaning, laundry, cooking and housework. you would thiink he would try to help but NO. his excuse is he's tired he worked all day. yea buddy bc i dont work 10hr shifts for nothing and rush home to do stuff. and carry an extra 10lbs now with that. . now we fight about is the house. we live with my parents right now and r trying to buy a house but everything we look at is a problem or he doenst like it of whatever. and i keep telling him we need a place before this baby comes in july there is no space here to bring a baby. so i do know how you feel and hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

I will admit that our marriage is different since we found out we are pregnant. I don't clean as often anymore either because I'm exhausted half of the time. DH does complain about the whole sex issue as well. I think all men do. I like you, have no desire to, but that doesn't change it for our men. Have you read Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs? There is a section at the end just for the fathers-to-be to read. Since I made him look at it, he has a little better understanding as to how I'm feeling.

I hope things get better for you.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

ummm... no offense but he's being pretty insensitive. Does he honestly expect you to go put air in a tire at 18 weeks? He should be cleaning and taking care of you. If you find it hard to talk to him about things, how about writing him a letter? I'm only 12weeks and have no desire to clean. Today I had my cleaning lady come for the 1st time.

Message edited 3/13/2010 2:06:17 PM.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Sorry you're dealing with this. He doesn't seem to realize that you are not sitting on your asss all day eating bon bons. You are pregnant and it sounds like you have been having a difficult pregnancy at that. I think you need to sit him down and explain how you are feeling and how his words and actions are making you feel as well. He needs to understand that you are not withholding sex bc you simply don't want to do it but bc your body is going through tremendous changes due to the pregnancy.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Message edited 3/13/2010 2:19:10 PM.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

I am so sorry you have to deal with that. Pregnancy was a big change for me and dh too. Hopefully things will get better

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

i'm sorry you are going through this. sometimes, men have a hard time with having children and they don't know how to say it. it might be more about him than about you. they get scared and are afraid of the uncertain future...how will they provide, how will they take care of someone else, what are they supposed to do to take care of a baby, etc. sometimes they only begin to get it once DC is here...and, honestly, it can get harder before it gets easier. i wish i could tell you how and when he will come around to understanding this is a partnership and right now it is about someone more important than both of you, DC. he just might know that but is afraid to admit it.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

I definitely feel like pregnancy and having one child already has changed my relationship iwht DH... for the worse.

Before kids it was sooo easy! We were having such a great time.

Now...eh. I totally know what you mean about the sex. DH does complain that we don't have enough... I think they just cannot understand how it feels to be pregnant and how unappealing sex is to us right now. I get nauseous when we kiss. I haven't told him this of course, but it makes being snuggly with him a littel hard to say the least!!! I try to be nice in other ways - clean when I can, cook when I can, maybe do a load of his laundry when I can, even just be affectionate like laying on the couch by him or a hug, etc. It makes a big difference for my DH.

But, really, I think for my DH the sex is the biggest thing. If we had more, he would be happy in general. He woulnd't care about cleaning or cooking or anything else. So I try to do maybe at least one nice thing a day - a hug, etc. At least something to keep the contact up, KWIM?

I have to say that since this is my second pregnancy, DH has been more understanding. I think since he's seen what happens, he knows more about it. With the first pregnancy, he just didn't get it at all.

This pregnancy was a huge surprise for us too. It DEFINITELY makes it harder to adjust to. We are excited, thankful, etc.... now... but at first, I have to admit that it was upsetting. We were in NO position for this. BUT, over the last 2 months we have figured out how to make it work. It just takes a lot of time to adjust. Do any of your friends have kids? We were the first of DH's friends to have kids - and that was hard for him. His friends could still do whatever they wanted... lots of them weren't married yet even.... for me - all my friends had kid already.

Anyway, I hear ya! I hope things get better. I think even though it's terrible, what you're going through isn't abnormal. I wish guys would talk to other guys the way we girls do sometimes.... they all think that everyone is having sex but them. If they'd talk, they'd realize NO ONE is having sex! lol.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Posted by mrandmrs12



I definitely feel like pregnancy and having one child already has changed my relationship iwht DH... for the worse.

Before kids it was sooo easy! We were having such a great time.

Now...eh. I totally know what you mean about the sex. DH does complain that we don't have enough... I think they just cannot understand how it feels to be pregnant and how unappealing sex is to us right now. I get nauseous when we kiss. I haven't told him this of course, but it makes being snuggly with him a littel hard to say the least!!! I try to be nice in other ways - clean when I can, cook when I can, maybe do a load of his laundry when I can, even just be affectionate like laying on the couch by him or a hug, etc. It makes a big difference for my DH.

But, really, I think for my DH the sex is the biggest thing. If we had more, he would be happy in general. He woulnd't care about cleaning or cooking or anything else. So I try to do maybe at least one nice thing a day - a hug, etc. At least something to keep the contact up, KWIM?

I have to say that since this is my second pregnancy, DH has been more understanding. I think since he's seen what happens, he knows more about it. With the first pregnancy, he just didn't get it at all.

This pregnancy was a huge surprise for us too. It DEFINITELY makes it harder to adjust to. We are excited, thankful, etc.... now... but at first, I have to admit that it was upsetting. We were in NO position for this. BUT, over the last 2 months we have figured out how to make it work. It just takes a lot of time to adjust. Do any of your friends have kids? We were the first of DH's friends to have kids - and that was hard for him. His friends could still do whatever they wanted... lots of them weren't married yet even.... for me - all my friends had kid already.

Anyway, I hear ya! I hope things get better. I think even though it's terrible, what you're going through isn't abnormal. I wish guys would talk to other guys the way we girls do sometimes.... they all think that everyone is having sex but them. If they'd talk, they'd realize NO ONE is having sex! lol.

Message edited 3/13/2010 3:11:53 PM.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Honestly? Tell him he's being an a**. Because he is!!!

It took TWO people to make this baby. Was it planned? No--but it's done! He has the EASY part of this 9-month journey, and that's simply to be supportive of YOU. He can't even do that??!!

I'm sorry, but the way he is acting is completely insensitive and childish. If it were my DH, I'd have no qualms about telling him that--but that's the relationship that we have--we tell it like it is.

I hope he decides to "man up" and that things start getting better. You have enough to worry about as it is

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

OMG, I'm so glad I'm not teh only person who wants to puke when her DH kisses her. LOL!

AND, I totally know what you mean about how if you give a hug or cuddle on teh couch it turns into full blown sex. I get the same thing here sometimes. Once in a while the whole - just a cuddle plan - backfires. UGH!

It won't last forever!

Message edited 3/13/2010 3:44:45 PM.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Posted by MrsRivera

Honestly? Tell him he's being an a**. Because he is!!!

It took TWO people to make this baby. Was it planned? No--but it's done! He has the EASY part of this 9-month journey, and that's simply to be supportive of YOU. He can't even do that??!!

I'm sorry, but the way he is acting is completely insensitive and childish. If it were my DH, I'd have no qualms about telling him that--but that's the relationship that we have--we tell it like it is.

I hope he decides to "man up" and that things start getting better. You have enough to worry about as it is

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Umm I dont put air in my tires and I am NOT pregnant.

That's nuts. He really needs smack in the head.

Have you sat down and asked him how he is really feeling Re: the baby? Maybe go out on a "date' and have a heart to heart about everything. He might be scared and worried about his life changing and taking it our on you.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Maybe once you get your 20wk sono and he sees it he will realize how real everything is. I just dont think he realizes this is real yet. Hope all works out for you

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

First off

Second: He really, really needs to be more understanding. I was extremely naseous and couldn't even make it out of bed for at least 6weeks of my pregnancy. I'm lucky I was able to make it to the bathroom, no less clean, make dinner or fill my tires!!

Half the things we go through throughout our pregnancy we really don't talk about with friends/family until we're in the situation and since it seems you guys are the firsts of your group..he hasn't heard all the complaints yet to relate to..so he might think your over reacting or at least truly doesn't understand what a complete overhaul it does to your body.

When I was so naseous and weak and couldn't make it out of bed, I myself didn't believe pregnancy could be this bad! I kept saying if I didn't know for sure I was pregnant I would think I was dying of the swine flu or something!! I got the book What to Expect when Expecting and DH and I read a lot of it together before my sickness even set in and it had a lot of those issues and things to be careful of like not overdoing it with cleaning and bending etc...
As we were reading it I was mocking it and making a joke of it telling him he's going to have to take care of me like a baby and do all the cooking and cleaning and everything....well guess what? All those symptoms hit me..and it wasn't a joke anymore!! But since he already read it with me and knew it might happen I think it wasn't a shock and he didn't think I was overreacting at all. Maybe it would help your DH to read the facts right there in black and white! It even goes into detail about how our sex drive gets all off track! DH thankfully doesn't bother me about that because I'm more of a fien then him, so he knows if I can live without it..its because I am really not feeling well lolz

Has he been to the Dr with you?? Maybe that will make it more 'real' to him and maybe hearing from a Dr that your feeling tired and shouldn't be doing certain things will open his eyes a little..

Good luck!

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

I am sorry that DH isn't being as supportive as he should be. I agree with the previous posters that you should have a long heart to heart discussion. Maybe go out to dinner and try then, where he can't just walk away or ignore you. Tell him how his behavior is making you feel, and hopefully he'll reciprocate. Not to make excuses for him, but maybe the lack of sex is making him feel distant from you and he thinks your relationship won't be the same as before? It's important that he opens up as well and lets you know what exactly is causing his hostile behavior so that you can both work on restoring your relationship.

I just think that once the baby arrives, things will get much more stressful and hectic so it will be important that these issues get resolved now, you need to be a team.

I truly hope things get better for you both and you are able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy together.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

no offense, but what are you, his live in maid and slave? I'd tell him off big time. he might need some shock therapy to get it in his head that you can't do a lot of what he's expecting.

has he read any books geared for dad-to-be's? that might help him to understand a bit more.

and i'd tell him straight up-- it takes two to tango, buddy, so don't take it out on you!

i hope it gets better. i popped right around 20 weeks, so hopefully you will too and he'll see some physical evidence that you're going to be parents and stop being such a jerk.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Posted by sasha96

i'm sorry you are going through this. sometimes, men have a hard time with having children and they don't know how to say it. it might be more about him than about you. they get scared and are afraid of the uncertain future...how will they provide, how will they take care of someone else, what are they supposed to do to take care of a baby, etc. sometimes they only begin to get it once DC is here...and, honestly, it can get harder before it gets easier. i wish i could tell you how and when he will come around to understanding this is a partnership and right now it is about someone more important than both of you, DC. he just might know that but is afraid to admit it.

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Has he been to the Dr with you?? Maybe that will make it more 'real' to him and maybe hearing from a Dr that your feeling tired and shouldn't be doing certain things will open his eyes a little..

Good luck!


Yea he has been with me to every appt. that has a sono (3 so far). The last sono was last week @17 weeks.. he saw the baby move, he was soooo into it. The rest of the day he was sooo nice to me, etc. Literally the next day, all that is gone. Its like I'm not pregnant anymore.

I think he is really not gonna get it unless:
#1 Im huge and pysically cant move
#2 The baby is actually here

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

I've been frustrated too with DH as of late. Mainly because I'm beyond stressed at work and I'm feeling it physically. I'm crying all the time and when he shows no reaction or gives little support, it comes off like he doesn't really care. I know that he does but he's a typical man who doesn't show any emotional reaction to anything (which is really nothing new - he's always been this way). I just figured because my stress will affect HIS child, he might react on some level.

He never was the type of guy that couldn't wait to have children but he also said he did want them. He was always honest saying that he knew he wouldn't feel anything until he actually saw or held the baby for the first time. I guess in a matter of weeks we'll find out how true that is. I know he can't really feel what I'm feeling because he's not the PG one. I just wish men talked more!

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

Posted by SweetTooth

Posted by d-h2008

Has he been to the Dr with you?? Maybe that will make it more 'real' to him and maybe hearing from a Dr that your feeling tired and shouldn't be doing certain things will open his eyes a little..

Good luck!

Yea he has been with me to every appt. that has a sono (3 so far). The last sono was last week @17 weeks.. he saw the baby move, he was soooo into it. The rest of the day he was sooo nice to me, etc. Literally the next day, all that is gone. Its like I'm not pregnant anymore.

I think he is really not gonna get it unless:
#1 Im huge and pysically cant move
#2 The baby is actually here

Re: Pregnancy changing our relationship...

**********UPDATE*********

Sorry to be bothering all of you with this nonsense. The only other person that I could talk to is my mother and she would do nothing but criticize me somehow, so thats not an option.

I basically sat him down and told him that even though this baby is not planned and he wasnt ready to give up some things like: hot dinners, me cleaning for 5 hours straight every week and sex, he has to now. I told him that when the baby comes things are going to be even worse if he continues to act like this.

He said why?

I told him because I plan to breastfeed and that takes a lot of time, every 2-3 hours, and most likely there wont be dinner every night or any sex for 6 weeks.

**HIS response: "Well now your using excuses for when the baby gets here for when your pregnant? The baby is not even here yet and all the things you said are already not happening".

I seriously snapped at that point I started to scream off the top of my lungs and I told him if he didnt want this baby he should have told me when we found out at 5 weeks so I can have an abortion. I told him God shouldnt give a blessing to such a selfish human being who cant think about anything more important than his stomach and his sex life.

My eyes are red and swollen from 3 days of on and off crying, I have a migrane and got a bloddy nose. I seriously cant take this anymore, Im about to go sleep over my moms house.

Please pray for me cause this is a huge issue right now.