WWYD - parent's wake

My father passed away and his wake is tomorrow. Since I have a preemie newborn, my older brother went with my stepmother to make all the arrangements.

Three questions - I don't know anything about funerals and services, so I'm not sure what is correct. Would appreciate your input as I am lost and the complete lack of sleep from having my newborn isn't helping.

My mom said that my brother and I should get a wreath for the funeral home. I told my brother and he said he picked out two large ones with the funeral package and that I should save my money. Should I order one on behalf of me and my husband and DS? Also, do you get a wreath for the funeral home and another one for the church service the next day? Or do they just take the ones from the funeral home to the church?

Also, my father's work insurance is paying for most of the funeral (thank God). The balance they say is going to be paid with the social security one time death benefit that my stepmom can collect. Originally my brother and I were going to give money to help pay for the amount that the insurance was not going to cover. Now that it's all paid for, I still want to give something, but not sure what amount is correct. I guess now it's really just going to go to my stepmom for her use? How much is the minimum that we should each give? I know this is a personal question, so if you could give me an idea or even FM me, I'd appreciate it.

Last, my mom said that it's the children's responsibility to pay for the tombstone, which I heard can cost about $2,000 (I assume it can vary widely depending on material, size etc, but I'm just going by what I heard). My older brother and I would have to split this as my younger brother is only 17. Should I take this into account when I figure how much to give at the wake?

TIA for any and all advice. I still can't believe my dad died.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I'm sorry I have no advice but for your family. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father...

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

First off, I am truly devastated for you. We lost my uncle at a young age also suddenly to a heart attack in December so I know the shock you must be in right now as I am still going through this with my cousins every single day.

As for the flowers, they will bring whatever arrangements are at the funeral home to the church (some arrangements not all) and then the rest of the arrangements will be brought to the cemetary. They will without a doubt bring the arrangement from you and your brother. I do not think you need another one from you, and your husband. It's all looked upon as the same. It will say "Beloved Father" or something like that.

In regards to giving your stepmother money, I would wait it out and talk to her when everything has calmed down. If you want to talk to her about the expense of a tombstone and explain that you would like to contribute.

Please remember in all of this to take care of yourself, I know how hard it is caring for a newborn, I can't imagine doing it with all you are going through right now.

So many hugs and prayers for you and your family

Message edited 4/8/2010 6:56:18 PM.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am so sorry for your loss. I think my brother and I split a "Father" arrangement but maybe you can get a "Grandfather" one from your DC? They just take the ones from the wake to the funeral so no need to buy them separately.

I'm not sure your stepmom's financial situation or why you feel you need to give money to her but if you want to give something to her, I would just give what you can/want to give after considering the cost of the tombstone.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. I lost my dad unexpectedly too so FM me if you need anything have any more questions

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Dear God Yesi My thoughts have been constantly with you since the news yesterday. I think I can help answer 2 out of 3... here's my thought..

The wreaths and flowers that are sent by friends are family are normally used in the funeral home, then brought along to the church for the funeral. The funeral home will take care of transporting and setting all that up. After the mass they are brought to the gravesite and arranged there too, so there's no need for you to order another one for use in church.

I'm glad the costs are covered by his benefits, that's got to be a relief at this time. As for giving your stepmother money I think that's lovely and she'll certainly appreciate it, but I wouldn't think it's "required" traditionally speaking. In all sincerity Yesi, give what you can as a gift, only you and DH know what you can reasonably do at this time, especially since you're out on leave. Even $200 is a nice gesture, and can go toward the catering arrangements after the funeral and burial (if she's hosting something at home or in a restaurant).

The tombstone issue is not "set" - I suppose most families do what they can, but the cost may in fact be covered under an insurance policy, perhaps your brother can look into that (Depending on what you choose, obviously - likely there's a maximum $ amount they will pay out). But I've never heard of it being the children's responsibility, I know we kids did not pay for my Dad's stone that my Mom picked out; from what I understand his life insurance death benefit was used for that (and I think it was $5k so you are right there are MANY different options and prices).

I'm not sure how helpful any of this is, but hopefully others can reply with their experiences as well.

We love you Yesi, and our prayers and thoughts are with you right now

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Are you having people out to lunch after the funeral? Maybe you can help pay for that.
They usually take some flowers from the funeral home and bring them to the church.
Edited to add: I think it would be nice to get a little flower arrangement that says grandfather. I think we had a little pillow made out of flowers or a flower rosary for my dad.

Message edited 4/8/2010 7:05:41 PM.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am very sorry for your loss. AS far as flowers go I would send from you and your husband and a separate piece from the baby, they make nice little pillowsthat could go by your dad's head. As far as the tombstone I have never heard of childrensbeing responsible for paying for it. The SS benefit is either 200 or 250 paid to your step mother.
I have lost my father and I would never think to give money to anyone. You are his immediate family, other people may igve her envelopes but really not your job. Like somone else said maybe pay for the luncheon afterwards.

Sorry for any typos.

Message edited 4/8/2010 7:39:51 PM.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am so sorry for your loss

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

When my father passed, me, my sister and my mother bought the flowers that go on top of the casket. Our funeral director kept telling us not to get anything else bc there would surely be other arrangements. THere were tons of arrangements from my friends, family members, etc. We almost ran out of space. They did take all of the arrangements and brought some into the church, then brought those and the rest of them to the cemetery and left them there.

As far as the tombstone, I don't know if it's customary for the children to buy it. My mother paid for it through the package from the funeral home. And yes, size, stone, wording all figure into the price.

In regard to giving your stepmother money, I think that whatever you choose to give her will be appreciated and beneficial. My uncle (father's brother) gave my mom a couple thousand (maybe 3 or 4) to help out. Others gave food that was able to be frozen and eaten later. Again, everything was appreciated and helpful.

If you have any questions or feeling like talking, please fm me.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Yesi I am so sorry for your loss Many prayers for you and your family. I am sorry I can't help with any of your questions. I will keep you in my thoughts God bless you.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Oh Yesi, I've been thinking of you.

Like PPs mentioned, the funeral home will take care of transporting floral arrangements from the funeral home to the church and then to the gravesite. It's not necessary to get something else from you and Luis, but I like the idea that someone else had of getting something from Henry that says Grandfather on it. When my Grandmother passed I ordered the casket blanket. It's like a blanket of flowers that go over one side of the casket and you can add the Grandfather tag. If you go to a florist, they'll show you a whole book of different options.

As far as giving your SM a monetary gift, this is a new concept for me. A coworker gave me money when my grandmother passed and I was pretty confused. So, if you want to give her something that's up to you, but it's not necessary. Picking up the tab (or splitting it with your brother) for food after is a really nice gesture that would probably help her.

I haven't heard of the stone being the responsibility of the children. Like Colette mentioned, if he had life insurance that should probably cover the cost of that.

If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate!

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am very sorry for your loss- but when my Mom passed away I didn't pay for anything

it was never mentioned that we should so that is a new concept to me

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am so incredibly sorry for you. I have no advice because I am not used to those customs. I would have thought the spouse purchased the headstone.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When my mom passed away my dad paid for everything, and they had been legally separated for over 5 years. We did the tombstone almost a year later (Jewish tradition) so it wasn't an issue at the time, but I know that prices vary greatly depending on how much carving work goes into them. Also, they take weeks to be done.

You have enough things to worry about and be sad about... please don't let money / who pays for what be them. My advice is to have someone put it on a credit card or something and divvy up the responsibility in a couple of weeks.

Losing a parent is traumatic and awful and everyone knows that. You'll be surprised by all the kindness that comes your way in the next few weeks. Please take the opportunity to lean on friends/family/coworkers for what you need. They'll expect it and be gracious about it and it makes things so much easier for you.

Many

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I'm no help but just wanted to send more

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I don't have any experience but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am so very sorry for your loss and wish you and your family strength during this time.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

All the ladies have gives you geat advice. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad two weeks, so I can totally relate.

In terms of flowers, as others have said, some of them will be transported to the church. Usually, there is a coffin spray/flowers from the spouse, children and grandchildren. It sounds like your brother has it pretty much covered, unless you want something from your daughter as well. Honestly, even though we asked for donations for my dad, there were so many flowers that it was obscene.

In terms of money, frankly I've never heard of children paying for a funeral, unless maybe there is a financial need. If your step mother needs assistance and you are in a position to do so, that would be wonderful but, not imo, not required.

Again I am truly sorry for your loss

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Please accept my condolences

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

I am soo sorry! My prayers are with you and your family! I cannot imagine what you are going thru right now!
I would do what feels right to you....If you want to get a arrangement from you, DH and DS than I would.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

My mom died a few weeks ago, this is what we (her 4 kids, she was alone as my dad died 22 years ago) did . . .

My sister & I picked out an arrangment for the top of the casket that was from all 4 kids. When my dad died, my mom picked one from her, and then there was a large standing arrangment from the kids.

From the grandchildren, my sister and I picked a heart shaped floral arrangment.

The two son-in-laws sent a floral arrangment in a vase.

One brother and his wife also sent a standing arrangment.

My aunt ordered a standing arrangment that was from "loving sisters" and another on behalf of my grandmother (who at 97 is very much alive) that was "loving daughter".

Each cemetary is diffent on the number of arrangments that can be brought from the funeral to the burial. In our case there was no limit (for dad there was a limit or 2 or 3 - I don't remember). We had services at the funeral home so there was no need to transport arrangments. For my nephew however, that unfortunately died 6 months ago, the arrangments were brought to the church and then to the cemetary.

My sister and I together hosted a meal between the afternoon and evening viewing hours. My aunt hosted a luncheon following the funeral.

The Social Security one time death benefit is very small - like less than $1000 (I even think it's less than $500, or just barely over that), so I wouldn't necessarily count on that to cover left over costs.

I have never ever heard of children giving money to a surviving step-parent at a funeral. Any money that changes hands is generally in the form of a donation when the family says in lieu of flowers donations can be made to ______ (aka: some specific charity).

Nor have I ever heard that it is the children's responsiblity to buy a headstone when there is a surviving spouse.

So, IMHO, keep your money, don't give to step-mom and wait and see what bills still remain to be paid 30 days from now.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Message edited 4/8/2010 11:07:04 PM.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake

Message edited 4/9/2010 12:07:17 AM.

Re: WWYD - parent's wake