Situation Help - *Updated*

SS is hopefully graduating HS this year. Up until the time DH and I married, I kind of kept my nose out of his studies.
Transcript: C's, D's & F's.

Well, with this being his last year and wanting to go to college, I've been following up on his work and grades with his teachers with the permission of DH. SS is fully aware of this and he know that he is responsible to hand in all of his assignments, regardless of whether or not he's getting an A in the class or not. Consequences: No out, phone, internet, etc. I'm trying to get him in the routine of completing daily assignments in order to prepare him for community college next year.

Prior to me meeting DH, DH had tried to get him to do his homework and he would say he did it and then come home with F's on his report card. basically SS got away with it for years and now I enter the pic.

The thing is I just checked with his teachers (I do it on a weekly basis) and he's not doing the current assignments. He's handing in late ones and the teachers thing he should manage his time better. Can I ground him for not being current? Afterall he is doing them but he's handing them in late (almost 2 weeks late).

I just don't want to condone that behavior. He won't be able to get away with that in college. He's been getting away with it for years. I'm only trying to help him. I don't care if he resents me for it now. What do you think?

***UPDATE**

Spoke to SS about his missing assignments last night and of course he had an excuse for each and everyone and then we approached his lying and of course nothing will ever sink in with him. You can see the insenserity on his face. DH let me do all of the taking and then he took over about how concerned we are about his actions & his future.

SS GF called last night and he talked to her. I went up to tell him to get off the phone and he said why? I'm grounded? I never oficially told him he was grounded but what does not holding up your end of the agreement mean? We told him a month ago, he doesn't do his assignments then he goes back to doing nothing. Well 5 min later he contined to talk and I had to go back upstairs and ask why he contines to disrespect me? and take the phone down staris. Anyway I told DH and he just shook his head which made me insecure about my actions and DH confessed that he doesn't know what to do. He thinks that it might be too late to "modify" SS's behavior and doing all of this now will only push him away, leave & never talk to us again and that DH & I might end up resenting each other for it.

I'm hurt and angry that DH will allow me to do all of the footwork with SS's teachers, research on ADD (which SS claims he has), take him to the Dr. for his "ADD" develop a course of action and go with it for a month and now maybe having a change of tune. We have been there and back several times where I do all of the "work"and DH backs down. We need the consistency to proove to SS that we mean what we say.

I don't think that I can be a part of this dysfunction. Live in a house where my SS doesn't respect me and I'm not supported. I need hugs!

Message edited 4/9/2009 11:20:51 AM.

Re: Situation Help

Not a stepparent here , just lurking. If my son was handing in assignments late or not at all, I would ground him. My answer is yes. You are his parent too & with his best interests at heart.

Every action (or in his case non action) has a consequence. Best he learns that sooner rather than later.

Re: Situation Help

Re: Situation Help

absolutely ground him. He is handing it in late. Lay it out for him the consequences that we face in life if we come to work late, pay our bills late, complete work projects late, etc. If he is handing assignments in late - he needs to pay the consequences.

Re: Situation Help

i would step in and ground him or do something. Part of the assignment is not just doing it, but doing it on time. If SS were out in the real world with a job, and he was given an assignment by his boss, finishing it correctly but 2 weeks late doesn't matter. SS needs to learn that this behavior needs to change and unfortunately it sounds like you are the best person to effect this change (I say unfortunately because you would have hoped that his father and BM would have already taught him these lessons).

I think it is important to let your kids handle things on their own as they grow up, even if that means you let them fail a few times, because it teaches an important lesson about responsibility and creates adults that know how to handle tough situations without parental involvement, but it sounds like SS has been given the chance to fail a lot and he just doesn't get it. He is definitely going to resent you if you appear to be the enforcer, and I think you need to get DH on board so you can present a united front. If you are grounding him and making rules and DH doesn't do anything to support this, SS still might not get the message.

Re: Situation Help - *Updated*

After reading your update I have to say that I don't think your biggest problem is your SS, it's your DH. I'm not saying that to be mean and I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, but he needs to step-up and be a dad and stop worrying about being his friend. It's not fair to you OR to his son to constantly let you do all the talking and all of the leg-work for this boy. I don't think you can expect any kind of changes from your SS if your DH doesn't change first. I know it's not easy and I'm sure your DH has tremendous guilt associated, but he's not doing anyone any favors by sitting back and not being more proactive.

Message edited 4/9/2009 3:08:14 PM.

Re: Situation Help - *Updated*

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Your DH said the same things to you that my DH has said to me about SD...that if we push too hard she will end up never wanting to see him again and hating him....I completely understand your frustration 100% b/c I would always be the bad guy or DH would say I was too harsh on her or I expected too much from her......so I backed off b/c I got tired of it and I took the "I don't care attitude".......but we do not have custody of SD. SS lives with you full time and there needs to be consequences for his actions. And if he ends up hating you and DH - he will get over it eventually. I know that sounds rude, but when he is 30 years old he will thank you for all you did for his well being. for you b/c I know you need them.

Re: Situation Help - *Updated*

Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin

After reading your update I have to say that I don't think you're biggest problem is your SS, it's your DH. I'm not saying that to be mean and I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, but he needs to step-up and be a dad and stop worrying about being his friend. It's not fair to you OR to his son to constantly let you do all the talking and all of the leg-work for this boy. I don't think you can expect any kind of changes from your SS if your DH doesn't change first. I know it's not easy and I'm sure your DH has tremendous guilt associated, but he's not doing anyone any favors by sitting back and not being more proactive.

Re: Situation Help - *Updated*

Posted by imthecindyofcindyandkevin

After reading your update I have to say that I don't think your biggest problem is your SS, it's your DH. I'm not saying that to be mean and I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, but he needs to step-up and be a dad and stop worrying about being his friend. It's not fair to you OR to his son to constantly let you do all the talking and all of the leg-work for this boy. I don't think you can expect any kind of changes from your SS if your DH doesn't change first. I know it's not easy and I'm sure your DH has tremendous guilt associated, but he's not doing anyone any favors by sitting back and not being more proactive.