MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

omg, I just wrote the longest thing and I wasn't logged in so it erased it!!

Anyway my MIL and I have never had a good relationship, I dont think she has one with anyone. She has not callec me ONCE since I have been pregnant (7 months). It took over a month to get her to come to my parents house for brunch to announce pregnancy. She inferred that I got pregnant to "trap" DH (after 5 years ) She gets uncomfortable when I greet her hello. She is just all around nasty and mean and does not understand having manner and common courtesy. She has been a constant argument in our marriage b/c anytime she is involved it is a nightmare.

DH is her only Son and youngest child so she is obsessed with him, she is a single mom and feels like I owe her for raising him (and I agree she did a great job, I am so appreciative) I thought at first she would just take time to warm up to me but it has been 5 years now and she is just as nasty! Even to my parents and family who are so nice to her! Its like walking on eggshells when she is around.

Anyway my shower is March 20th and she still has not RSVP'd! Dh called her twice to remind her. She is just so rude. My Mom gave her all her #'s and email address to call if she needs anything or to discuss baby when we first told them all. My sister is heading up the shower and she doesn't want to stress me out about it but she has not been answering her.

Its just tough b/c its DH's mom and I feel like I am constantly treading the boundaries of what is appropraite to say about her when I really wanna say "I HATE HER, WHY IS SHE SO EVIL!!" She is so selfish and we basically never see her b/c of it. But this is her grandchild so we are trying to include her.

I have a strained relationship with my Mom and both my Grandmas have died when I was young. DH's family (besides Mom) is very nice but we never see them. I just feel so jipped of having a maternal relationship with someone at this crazy time in my life, pregnancy and motherhood. I feel like I am just all alone and nobody really understands what I am going through, I am the first of my friends to be pregnant and my sister doesn;t have children yet I literally can cry just thinking about it, I feel like a peice of my life is missing. I wish I had a nice sweet grandma or aunt who was interested in my pregnancy and my life. I have literally broke down a few times just thinking about how my Son wont have a sweet grandma, which I never had either. He will have my sister who is amazing, and my Dad will be a great Grandpa. But something about a little old lady who spoils you and is obsessed and cooks with/for you is just so nice, I imagine.

Theres so much more to it that I wrote in original post and now I think I am just rambling

But what do I do about MIL? My DH said he would go to her house tonight but she lives 45 minutes away and I find it absurd that we would have to do that just to get a YES or NO from her. I feel like she does this on purpose to get him to go there. He feels stuck in the middle, he knows she has issues but it is his mom so he does not like to talk bad about her. She will literally say "its a womens perogative" to anything she doesnt feel like answering. Its like dealing with a child. I let DH interact with her mostly b/c he has way more patience with her and I don't want to be disrespectful. I honestly dont even want her there, she makes me uncomfortable when other people try to talk to her and she is like a wall.

Sorry this is such a long vent, but like I said I cant tell DH how much I resent his Mom and my sister is sick of hearing it I am sure. I don't know what to do? Write her off? What if DH wont want to?

She is very psychologically munipulative and I am afraid she is going to try to do that with my future DS. In that case we will have a MAJOR altercation. She has given her other Grandhcildren xmas presents then taken them away b/c of something random they did. She holds things over peoples heads forever. Like raising DH, she holds that over hs head, that he owes her for life and should do anything she wants.

Ok enough I could go on forever..

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

i feel awful that you have to deal with this...i can only imagine how you feel and i know that writting her off seems like the best and easiest thing, but you don't want DH to resent you for a lack of a relationship with his mom down the road.
Sometimes you have to pick your battles and i think this is one you should just let go. I'm sure your sister understands how much of a pain MIL is and if she doesn't RSVP and shows up then she looks stupid, not you.
I would just make sure that you count her in just incase, but I wouldn't make DH get involved in this one...save it for something else ya know?
I hope this helped, now i feel like i'm rambling!

Lots of and FM if you just want someone to vent to!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I think we have the same MIL. I'm going through the same sh*t. Its so hurtful. My MIL outed me on facebook, told me she refuses to be called grandma. This was all in the first two weeks of my pg. Now she doesn't talk to me. Calls to talk to DH and not once asked me how I feel, or what is going on. At our wedding she told our guests (even people on my side), that I forced DH to marry me, that I married him for money (what money she is referring to me is beyond me). The worst part is she knew I had pcos and she told everyone I was unable to have a child.

So I can totally relate. For advice, I won't be much help because I just sort of ignore it. I know I can't change her. She doesn't want DH to be married to me and so I doubt she will ever like me. I try to set boundaries, I told DH she is not welcome to stay here with us after the baby is born (she lives out of state). If she isn't going to rsvp to your shower have DH tell her she just can't come. I know you want to make nice with her, but she is being difficult. I feel the same way, I want to be the better person, I wish things were different but there are some people you just can't change.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

Im sorry you are in such a bad situation with her! In my opinion you need to let your DH do most of the interaction and try to stay away from her as much as possible. If you do have to interact with her just be cordial.

In regards to your shower you DH SHOULD NOT have to drive 45 minutes to get an answer, that is ridiculous!! He should CALL her and ask her flat out: "Are you going to be able to come or not?" Demand a yes or no on the spot. She has to understand that she cant reply on HER watch/timing... these things have to be organized and you need an answer now!!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

my mil isnt going to be included in a shower for me. she gave me nothing but trouble during our wedding and I wont go through that again.
when we went to visit her last time (the first time she saw me that i really looked preg) all she talked aout was how a girl comes into her group whose preg and its the cutest thing and how everyone goes crazy for her....umm hello your dil is standing here carrying your sons child...and you talking about a complete stranger??!

im so sorry your giong through this. dont let it get you down it prob will be better off without her

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I'm sorry u r dealing w/ this. The only advice I can think to offer is...Don't get stressed over her not RSVP'ing. If she shows up, she shows up. If not, no big loss. I wouldn't even give her any additional attention by asking again whether or not she's coming.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

Posted by d-h2008

Im sorry you are in such a bad situation with her! In my opinion you need to let your DH do most of the interaction and try to stay away from her as much as possible. If you do have to interact with her just be cordial.

In regards to your shower you DH SHOULD NOT have to drive 45 minutes to get an answer, that is ridiculous!! He should CALL her and ask her flat out: "Are you going to be able to come or not?" Demand a yes or no on the spot. She has to understand that she cant reply on HER watch/timing... these things have to be organized and you need an answer now!!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I really hope that once your little one arrives she will be better, but you know what they say about tigers changing their stripes.....

Many, many


exactly, I am not betting on that!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I'm sorry

I feel like I don't know enough about your situation to really say anything else, but I had a difficult time with my ILs and the way I dealt with them, made them really turn around. I don't know how it worked, but it felt like magic.

First, I let everything bad they do to me go, forgive forget move on. My mother taught me, people who has issues are always going to have issues, you just have to keep yourself sane and let them be who they are.

So I let all my hate resentment anger annoyance all things I was deeply offended by go. This was incredibly hard, but I had to do it. DH was very hurt by his parents behavior and it was really straining their relationship with him, and I didn't want to be responsible for that. If it had to happen, I didn't want it to have anything to do with me.

Then I just played dumb. When we did anything, I invited them, and left them a spot, ignoring my logic telling me they would come. I never would let it upset me. I treated them as if they loved me and didn't expect love, or even common decency from them. I let a lot of stuff go.

I don't know, but somehow they slowly turned. My MIL calls every day now to see if I'm okay. My FIL is incredibly apologetic about all things towards me. he even helps me with my coat. Do you know he actually smoked in front of me when I was 12 weeks prego! It took everything in me to react as if I didn't notice and hold my breath till DH could rescue me. Of course I continue to act like I have no idea what he's talking about, and say things "I think your a good father, it doesn't require apologies" They have both been incredibly warm to me lately, and I don't know what I did except ignore their evilness and assume that they are good people underneath their issues.

Anyway, I don't know if this helps in any way.

But what I would do is nothing. Leave her a spot at the shower, don't expect a gift, and be happy that you have a wonderful husband and wonderful baby on the way.

You might just let DH call her and tell her that you will be happy to see her, and that there will be a spot for her if she can make it.
She will be rude, she will say she's not coming, she will do her worst, ignore it, let it be her issue, not yours. Do you think she will actually come and cause real drama? I mean she's going to be rude, do you have the strength to play dumb like you don't notice? Occupy yourself with what is good and just be polite and respectful to her, even though she doesn't deserve it.

Take care of yourself, no one is worth your being upset like this

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I have a never similar MIL .. She will not call to RSVP for anything, and I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant with my 2nd child, I'm still waiting to hear congrats on my 1st .

I told my mother to put her as a yes for every RSVP, and that if she comes, she comes, if not I don't care. I wasn't going out of my way to call and feel like I'm begging for her to go, and I told my mom to try once, she never got responded to so left it at that. My baby shower was $35 a head, so honestly I felt like loosing that money was wayy easier than having to communicate with her. I just don't think there is an easy solution unfortunately, I'm so sorry, it sucks.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Do you think she'll actually come? If so, include her in the count. If not, don't include her, especially if you're obligated to pay for her even if she doesn't show up. DH can call her one more time if you want, but I'd drop it after that. It's not worth stressing over.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

I'm so sorry you have a witch for a MIL.

Honestly, I wouldn't try to contact her anymore on her RSVP. If she shows, she shows. It's only one person so it should be that big of a deal for them to add one more chair. The reason I say this is because she WANTS her son to come to her and feel sorry for her and blah, blah, blah. My MIL was like this until I stopped calling her and showing interest in her. She just started to come around.

Don't worry, your DC will have tons of love from you and that's all he needs.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

Yeah I think you are all right that I should just ignore her and count her out. If she comes fine, if not fine too. Its just honestly, embarrassing for DH and I, to explain her to my family, they are all about manners and just don't understand her behavior. I feel so bad for DH, having to be her Son, I know that sounds mean but it must suck so much! Its so weird how DH turned out to be so amazing and polite and sweet, so she must have it in there somewhere...

I never do talk to her or go out of my way, except for instances like this. I don't want to be stressed out about this so I am just gonna let it go. I care more for my Son missing out on that relationship but she will never change.

I feel like she resents me b/c I took away her only Son. Since I am having a Son myself, I just can't fathom this, I will be ecstatic when he meets someone who makes him happy like DH and I are. She seriously has issues though, so I just have to let it boil down to that.

Thanks for your responses, sometimes I just need to know I am not the crazy one!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

So sorry to hear what you're going through.

Its not exactly the same situation... but my own mother didn't RSVP to the baby shower my MIL threw for me. It was mortifying.

But in the end I realized it's her problem, not mine. For most of my pregnancy I let her upset me. I finally told myself to just let it go - it was a beautiful time in my life and I was wasting it worrying myself about my mother (who obviously didn't care as much about me!).

Like another pp said... try not to worry. If she shows up, fine. If not, no big loss.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

It's unfortunate that she has to act that way and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! I would just take her actions and the fact that she is ignoring phone calls as a no she will not be attending. If she shows up, great maybe there is a little hope that she will come around, if not then its her loss!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

oh honey, boy do i sadly know what you're going through. my MIL didn't RSVP at ALL, never mind late. and she didn't come. to the only shower i am going to have. she didn't even RSVP, come or send a gift to my bridal shower either. she is a spiteful, manipulative, miserable biotch who i don't even have an ounce of respect for anymore. she has done so much to disrespect my DH (and me- but i could care less about me, i care about how crappy she treats him) that i can't even talk to her or speak to or about her. it upset me for a while until i realized that it just isnt worth my time or breath to deal with a miserable human being who is incapable of being happy. there's nothing you can do, try not to let it bother you- it gets easier to do that i promise. dont communicate with her because you will be tempted to be rude and you dont want to sink to her level. let DH take care of it, and soon he wont be as patient anymore either. sadly, after being treated badly and walked over enough my husband has a fairly 'civil' relationship but its a phone call here or there and thats it. i feel bad for him but as a future mother i am appalled by how another mother can treat her children that way. FM if you ever need to vent!

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

is you mil and mine related. lol Im sorry i know what your knida going through my mil is like that too.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

i know what you are going through. My MIL isnt going to my shower.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

Sorry you have to deal with such a difficult woman. You are better off not even bothering with her and don't worry about what your relatives might say about her not coming she's not worth the breath to speak her name. My husband's mother hasn't talked to him or his sisters in over 13 years. She has no relationship with her family. I feel bad for my husband that he doesn't have a mother and our son doesn't have his paternal grandmother but we are better off than having someone as selfish as her in our life. I think the best advice is to try your best to not let her actions bother you. Your child will do just fine without her in his life.

Re: MIL vent- hasn't RSVP'd to my shower, long sorry

what about having DH call her?
i'm so sorry you're going through this.