Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

This has been bothering me since Christmas and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have 2 kids, a son who is older (and beyond the toy stage) and a 2 yo daughter.

DS is not my husband's biological son. Though he is close to his dad, he has no aunts or uncles on either side (mine or his dad's)...my parents are the only grandparents that he sees. His father's are alive, but they live in another country and his father never really speaks to them.

My DS's godparents also suc k..they never acknowledge him for anything.

DD on the other hand has 2 sets of aunts and uncles on dh's side who fuss over her, dh's parents and mine.

Dh's 2 siblings are dd's godparents.

On Christmas one of dh's siblings gave dd an expensive gift that she LOVED...and then gave ds an otherwise generous, but much less compared to dd's gift (ok let's say $30 vs $200), giftcard... for which he was very appreciative and gracious.

I didn't even think of it at the time, but as the day went on he just seemed sad. Though he was very excited for dd and her gift, I knew something was wrong.

This is one of a couple of examples that happened on Christmas.

He would never complain about it or probably even admit that he was feeling sad about that, but I know it had to bother him.

We have not seen dh's other sibling yet, but he called to see if he could come over to "give dd her gift". I declined saying that I had to go somewhere, because ds was there and I did not want to ask if he had something for ds.

I know these examples are materialistic, but I've seen similar things happen and I don't ever want him to feel less important, special...I am just not sure how to go about it.



I mentioned it to dh and asked if we should ask them not to buy dd elaborate things, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

WWYD?

Is it unfair to dd for me to have people tone it down?

Message edited 12/31/2010 12:19:38 AM.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I'd feel how you feel, and I know it has nothing to do with the value of the items, but more of the fear that your son feels neglected as far as feeling like a family member by your husband's side.


I think what you suggested sounded reasonable...I'd probably have said the same if I were in your situation....i think it's even more tough, because it sounds like your son is considerably older than your daughter, so he probably "catches on" more to stuff like this.......and the fact that he seemed sad all day would sadden me, as well.

you sound like a great mommy, and maybe express your fears to your DH a bit more, and see if he can see the other side of things.

eta: I don't think it's unfair to your DD, as she is younger and won't even really realize it, kwim?

Message edited 12/31/2010 12:22:54 AM.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I am in the SAME BOAT!

DD is 11, or son is 5 months. Even before DS was born, we would go to in laws house and all the grandkids got great gifts, and my DD got sh!tty ones. I honestly stopped bringing her to their house. She does xmas eve with me n my DH, xmas day with her dad. I was soooo sick n tired of seeing her be so polite about it, but deep down inside, she was upset. Granted, I've been with my DH since she was 2, ud think by now she be one of the fam, but she's not. That's how I solved my prob. It's been 4yrs since she saw my dh parents on xmas.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I know exactly how you feel, we have a similar situation with my IL's. while my MIL makes a conscious effort to be fair(you can tell she's making the effort since she tells my older DD all the time that she got her this bc she got the LO's that), my SIL is a whole nother story. She constantly is buying clothes, toys etc for my 2- little DD's(mostly matching) and nothing for my older DD. Recently for my older DD's birthday, she got her flavored chap sticks and body lotion from the dollar spot at target. My DD graciously said thank you but you know she was disappointed since her other sis's always get soo much better gifts. And for christmas the younger ones got a bunch of toys. And my DD got a GC for $10. so i make sure to make up the difference to my older DD, i tell her it's bc the younger ones get all the handme downs so she gets all of the new things.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I dont know what other similar situations that have occired but Is it possible that dd recieved a more expensive gift because it was coming from someone who is not only an aunt/uncle but ALSO a godparent? I had crappy godparents who I didnt get gifts from but my bro had good ones. He often recieved gifts from our aunt (his godparent, my Moms SIL) and I recieved nothing. We didnt think anything of it bc she was his godmother, not mine.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I have no words of wisdom but I wanted to offer some hugs because that is just sad. If it were me I would probably go above and beyond just to make him feel like he IS a part of the family.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

No advice, have never been through it, but I wanted to send hugs to you and your son. That just really sux. People just don't think sometimes. I just could never do that. My godson is a twin, and I always give them the same gift (money wise) because I just feel too guilty, and don't want the other twin to feel bad.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

How old is your son? Is there a HUGE age gap?

I GUESS I could see why they would do that - I understand your position and it's hard to really say anything - I DON'T think you're overreacting - but it's an uncomfortable spot to be in b/c you're kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't - they're NOT leaving him out completely, but they are making a HUGE deal over their niece and i'm sure he's aware of it ...........

I personally could never do that to a kid - regardless if he were my nephew by blood, or 'just' by marraige - If my sister took another woman's child into her home and her family with her DH, I'd treat him the same way I treated her biological kids - He'd be my nephew too ..........-

If I couldn't afford to totally spoil both of them, I'd probably scale back on my biological niece/nephew -

I'm sorry

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I don't think you are being petty or ungrateful at all. How sad for your DS

I would talk to DH again. How would he feel if it was HIS DS that was getting neglected? If DH dismisses your concerns again, could you possibly speak to your IL's directly and ask them to scale down DD's gifts so that it's more fair? Maybe they're just not realizing that their actions are hurting yours and DS's feelings.

I'm sorry to you and all the other posters who are going through a similar experience. People really suck sometimes

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I would feel the exact same way as you. How sad for your poor DS

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I totally understand how you feel and I don't feel your overreacting. I have a son and a stepson and when I introduced my stepson into my family, he was instantly included as one of the cousins-he is treated as everyone else is and never gets shortchanged. I am lucky that it was never an issue, but I was concerned in the beginning (before I introduced him to my family) that it might not be the case. Thankfully, the day I introduced him to my family he was one of the family. We have many nieces/nephews/cousins in the family so we put a limit on how much we spend on each child ($40). Could you maybe do something like that? this way it's understood that each child will get a gift equal in value? not sure if that would be possible in your family situation. I feel for you and your son, its a horrible position for you both to be in.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I feel so bad for your ds

I cannot believe that these adults don't make more of an effort to keep things fair. Even if your son may not be their blood relative they should be considerate of his feelings, he's still a kid. Have you tried talking to your ds about the situation?

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

Posted by DolceVita

I would feel the exact same way as you. How sad for your poor DS

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

Posted by brownie

Posted by DolceVita

I would feel the exact same way as you. How sad for your poor DS

I'd feel the same way

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I would feel the same way too - I think you should talk to your DH again. I would not want my kids to be treated so differently, even if they're not equally related to the people doing the gift-giving. Also, I could never do this myself and if I were your DD's aunt, I would consciously make an effort to treat them equally - I think what they're doing, whether or not they realize it, is pretty cruel and I would ask them to stop - just being honest. I would rather they scale back on DD than neglect DS that much.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

In my opinion you ds is as much a part of the family as you are. You married in and so did your ds. He should be treated equally.

I had a step cousin who was part of our family.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I know exactly how your son feels, and I am pretty sure he knows what is going on as well.

My dad remarried when I was 9 years old. My sister, brother and myself were from my dad's first marriage, he had 2 kids with my step-mom. All was great, family accepted the 3 of us, grandma was grandma, aunts and uncles were aunts and uncles. Until Christmas. Then my younger siblings always got so much more than the 3 of us. The younger ones opened gift after gift, while the 3 of us ended up watching most of it. For example... The 3 girls always each got one of the same thing, but the younger one got that thing plus much more. My brothers would each get the same thing, then the younger one would get that plus much more.

It really just made me feel like some people never thought we were totally part of the family.

This situation sucks for your son, just reading that brought back a lot of pain from holidays past.

It was always just overlooked in our family. But your son probably notices more than you think he does. I would talk to him about it when you guys are alone. He probably won't say much, but it will let him know that you noticed too. I think if my dad would have acknowledged the fact that it was going on it might have helped me a little.

Good luck!

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I grew up in this situation. My Stepmoms family especially parents would buy very elaborate gifts for her grandchildren and like gloves for me and my sisters. There is other examples too not just Christmas. Even though I am an adult now it still hurts my feelings. I would ask your DHs family to be more fair maybe they don't realize. I would also let your DS know that it bothers you and you are going to try to fix it, that will probably mean a lot to him.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I don't think you're overreacting. To me what it signifies is they consider dd their niece & ds their brother's wife's son.

If it were me, I'd ask DH to ask his siblings to please scale down on DD's gifts because he doesn't want to see his son/stepson's feelings hurt.

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

you are not beign petty..I have never been in your situation however I have a goddaughter who was an only child until she was 8 for christmas I could never walk into that house and not give her sibling something equal to her gift they are kids

Re: Am I being petty? Ungreatful? WWYD?

I think you are right, not petty at all.

For years, I sent a gift to a stepchild in the family who I had never met or talked to. His sisters are dh's nieces, I could not see senting a package and nothing for the boy who is standing there watching.

my cousin has this issue.
A 13 year old who has never had a father or access to his family...
cousin remarries, has a 2 year old.
Inlaws come on christmas with obscene amount of gifts for 2 year old. gave 13 year old 2 dvds and pjs.

My cousin was beyond upset. She wants to say something to them. It is such a tough spot.
My cousin's daughter has been around since she was 4 though. That's a lot of christmas mornings to suddenly get the shaft