Jealousy

After 4 years with DH, I'am finally ready to admit that I'm jealous of my the relationship my DH has with his son. My SS has been a handful if any of you remember and after everything, DH still thinks he is the golden child and I'm beginning to resent it. I'm having difficulty dealing with the fact that I will always be second. How crazy and immature am I? How do I get thru this?

Message edited 1/26/2011 11:35:07 AM.

Re: Jealousy

Re: Jealousy

I think its natural to feel this way. Sometimes DH babies SD (12y/o) so bad that it makes me ill. I think it has to do with their guilt of feeling like a weekend parent. As far as getting over it...I think you adapt though certain things will always bother you

Re: Jealousy

I highly recommend the book stepmonster - it helped me realize what i felt was normal and that our dh's do things for certain reasons that make us feel this way. hth

Re: Jealousy

I totally get it. I will beg my husband to take me to see a movie and he never does unless I hound the crap out of him and make the arrangements. Then one day he'll say "Oh wouldn't it be great to take SD to the movies? I'm going to look up the times." It's so ridiculous and petty but it really upsets me. That's just one example.

Sometimes it just sux to feel like you really are second when he is not second in your life. It's like an inequality. And yes we knew all about this when we got married blah blah blah but what you can anticipate and what actually happens are totally different.

Anyway, I understand completely.

Re: Jealousy

Sending hugs your way. I've been in touch with you through this site off and on for a while now and remember a lot of issues you have posted about with regards to your SS. The only thing I can say is that a father's bond with their child is TREMENDOUS. I can understand how there might be feelings of jealousy but IMO, that stems from your relationship with your DH and not from your true feelings about SS. This might, in turn, be making you react or feel the way you do towards him at times. I hope this isn't coming out the wrong way. I REALLY like you and hope that things will get better for you, this has been a struggle for a WHILE now.

In the past, especially in the beginning, I didn't really know how to relate to my stepchildren or my place in their life. DH is good at including me but I sometimes felt like an outsider, it definitely took a while for things to level out and it to all feel 'natural,' for lack of a better word. One thing that helped IMMENSELY (sp) is when we went to PreCana before our wedding. The priest and teachers really stressed the fact that our relationship should come first above all as we are the head of our family together as a joint unit. So basically, you need to address your needs as a couple first because if you fall apart, the whole family unit falls apart. HOWEVER, they also stressed that by becoming a member of this "family" that "I WAS WALKING INTO" that I had an obligation to act like part of the family and the children were my responsibility too, no exceptions. I am responsible for their welfare and happiness just as much as DH. Not sure if i'm explaining it entirely right but there's no reason for you to be jealous at all, this is your family.

I'm rushed at work so I can't take as much time as I would like to write this but I hope you get what i'm saying. How is DH doing with keeping you involved and also, are you receptive to it?

Re: Jealousy

I think it's normal to be jealous. Hell, parents are jealous in nuclear families too!

But sometimes, we as the SMs, are told "but you are an adult". It does not matter, We have feelings too.

Your DH to attend to your needs as well as your SS. Do you get alone time enough? Date night?

I find I push my DH to have alone time with his kids b/c we try (work is the problem; not step) to have as much time alone when we are not with them. So, it doesn't bother me. But that doesn't even happen as much b/c now the kids want us ALL to hang out!

Good luck!

It takes TIME.

Re: Jealousy

I could understand where you are coming from. For me I don't think it is jealousy but I do feel as though DH's list of priorities are: SD, his job, his second job, him and then me. It is very disappointing when I make it a point to make us my priority