so complicated

I have just learned that my ex-fiance died. He was only 34 (he had cystic fibrosis) We left off on good terms, but it was extremely complicated. Still loved each other etc. I have been married for 6 years and always knew this day would come, but I am not prepared. I am devastated, truly devastated. Been crying non stop, can't eat etc. I feel bad for my husband because it has to be awkward for him, but I can't help how I feel. I've been trying to hide the tears, but he knows I am beside myself. I feel alone. I am the one who broke it off and moved on and his family and friends think I am the anti-christ, even if my ex didn't. I feel like no one understands this pain and maybe they think it shouldn't be a big deal.I loved him, lived with him, took care of him, IT IS HEARTBREAKING. Maybe I thought that one day it would work out. I can't tell anyone that. I feel guilt. Its so overwhelming. I should have been there, I shouldn't have hurt him, I should have I should have I should have......

Re: so complicated

Please do not beat yourself up. I am sure you had your reasons for ending the relationship. Allow yourself time to grieve but try to keep things in perspective.

Re: so complicated

No one should be questioning your pain or how you're grieving. You did the best you could for him and yourself. I'm so sorry you're hurting. May he rest in peace. Many prayers for you and his family

Re: so complicated

sorry for your loss