I feel like my child hates me

Hi everyone,
I'm new here...I previously posted a topic "New here" and received some wonderful support from all of you...
Here's an update. My child is 13 months old. We are done with the EI evaluations and are waiting for the paperwork to be complete so that I can meet with the state to see what he is eligible for.
At 13 months old they seemed to think he may not qualify for much however I am pushing so hard for him because I know something is lurking on the horizon and if he doesn't get help soon I don't know what will happen.
I am overcome with emotion every day from thoughts of guilt, wanting to kill myself to disbelief that this is our life now. I just broke down to DH and just couldn't help saying over and over again "I can't believe this is happening".
I know my child doesn't hate me and he is incapable of that feeling but I am the only person he won't look at in the eyes. There are times he does but sometimes if I don't solicit it (which isn't easy to begin with) he can go a whole day without looking at me. He looks at my husband with adoration and strangers with a curious smile. I get a blank slate unless I tickle him. I feel so inadequate....hopeless...horrible...every and any emotion you can think.
I'm sorry this is so long but I am rambling, crying, sobbing and hurting so much...I can't think I can't work...sometimes I can't be happy for my other children without thinking will my DS be able to this and that...
I don't know if I am strong enough to do this...

Re: I feel like my child hates me

I know this is hard at the beginning.

BUT.... you have to realize that while a child with special needs has "behavioral" issues, so do "typical" children.

Your little one is 13 months. There will be some stuff SN related and some that will be of any 13 months.

They have tantrums like other kids. Separation anxiety from mom or dad, etc...

It is VERY overwhelming and I do feel for you.

I can't tell you that you will ever have a normal life. BUT I will tell you that it DOES get easier. I promise it does! Just like they tell you that the newborn phase will eventually be over.

Try to take a deep breath. Try to ride the wave and see where it leads you. Don't try to fix EVERYTHING right away. You can't! It's impossible!

I strongly suggest you get a social worker assigned to your case if your child is approved from services.

If not, join a support group for parents of children with SN.

Go see a Dr.

Thought of suicide are very serious. I am very sad and concerned for you.

Please DO take care of YOU!

We are here if you want to vent and talk. Most of us went through a difficult time too when our little ones were first diagnosed.



ETA: I am going through the same phase with DS. But he is 4 yo. I am nothing to DS most of the time. It's so ungrateful! I KNOW! I take care of him, get him ready for school, drive him to all his activities/therapies. I am nuts organizing all. He never greats me. His dad comes home... the World cease to exist. If I helped him all afternoon with the 50 million gallon of drinks he wants every 5 minutes.... I don't exist the minute my DH comes home. He plays on my bed with DS. He pushes me if I join in. He does not even want me in the room. We are working on it. It's been 1 month of it (it was a ultimum high!!) and it is getting better. I mean the man can't even go to the bathroom and my kid starts crying. I feel I am so no appreciated. But then, DS sees me off the bus and I get my time too. Even if it's less than DH.

Message edited 6/21/2011 4:39:26 PM.

Re: I feel like my child hates me

I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!! just take every day at a time and try not to get discouraged! my DS has autism and i am always here if you need to talk. the ladies on here are great and they offer such great support and suggestions!! many many

Re: I feel like my child hates me

Thinking of you and sending you hugs. It's a very difficult time when first diagnosed. I hope he gets the services right away. Keep fighting for him and don't forget to take care of yourself. Without you, he won't have anyone to fight for him. Keep up the great work! Try to stay strong...I know it's easier said than done.

Re: I feel like my child hates me

Kids go through so many stages of who they prefer. Don't take it personally, it's just "development".

Everything will work itself out once therapy begins. The evaluations and the anticipation of the unknown is the scariest part for everything. Once everything is in a structured plan you will feel more at ease.

Take time to breathe, cry, and just give it to "time". You are on the right course, your baby is so young, I think it's amazing you are starting so early.

ETA, I am also a mom of three kids, two of which are twins. Twins, itself is such a challenge not only for moms/dads but for the "twins". The dynamics of being a twin is so difficult.

Message edited 6/22/2011 12:00:03 PM.

Re: I feel like my child hates me

It seems that you've received a lot of good input here.

I just wanted to say that you really need support right now. I know how hard it is. We've all been there and never want to go back to that time again. But I can hear it in your post that you need someone to talk to about it. Please, if I could ever be any help let me know. Ever feel like talking to a complete stranger who is going through it please FM me and I'll give you my number.

Thoughts of suicide is serious. There is so much to live for. Your 3 children most importantly. They ALL need you. It's going to be ok. Maybe not what you dreamed of but dreams change. My son has PDD and I'm living the life I dream about. It's different than what I dreamed about 5 years ago but still my dream nonetheless. It becomes the new normal. But it is too raw for you right now to begin to see it just yet.

Please though, get support. I'm here and there are so many moms on this sight willing to do the same.

Many hugs

Re: I feel like my child hates me

Thank you ladies for all your advice. It truly is nice to know there are wonderful people on this site willing to offer so much help.
I have bad days and good days.

After my post, I spoke to the teaching evaluator and she offered some tips, advice and support as well.

I definitely do need to talk to someone and reach out for help for myself...
I know I have to be strong for him and for my other children. Its just SO hard...

In my darkest hours the only thing that sees me through is the look & smile I get from him (as hard as it is to solicit and receive). He is such a beautiful child...I envision one day sitting in the audience at his graduation and being proud of his accomplishments.

I spend most of my time now worrying...about him, about his twin, about his sister...

Ladies, you've helped so much...thank you...thank you...

Re: I feel like my child hates me