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agnes
LIF Infant
Member since 1/10 181 total posts
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I find this article to be extremely weird. What bothers me the most is that this person seems to be very judgemental of people who don't share her views. She seems to frown on the moms who ran and played with their kids while she read books. And I will not even get started on the whole "having only one kid is selfish" remark.
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Posted 4/12/13 2:16 AM  |
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
My best friend since I am 3 yrs old chose not to have kids. She and her husband were on the same page with it. Honestly I didnt get it at first but she explained to me exactly what this woman is saying. She said she does not have that maternal drive and really enjoys her independence way too much. At first when she told me that I was shocked. But honestly I respect her so much now for knowing herself and understanding what she wanted. In my opinion it would have been selfish for her to have children simply because society says thats what you do. Now that we recently both turned 40 and those child bearing years are creeping away I asked her if shes had any regrets about her choices and she says no. She taught me that there really are some woman out there that just dont have that "instinct" so to speak and some that do. Obviously this woman in the article didnt and went against what ultimately she should have done which was to remain CF.
Message edited 4/12/2013 8:07:31 AM.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:07 AM |
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BargainMama
LIF Adult
Member since 5/09 15657 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by EclecticEsq10810
I posted this article on the CF board and just noticed it was posted on Parenting too. As a CFer, I totally empathize with that woman, and I find it sad that many on this board find her opinion and feelings abhorrent. There are many moms out there who feel like this and aren't writing articles like this because of the potential shame and embarrassment it would incur from the peanut gallery (like this board). I think of bad parents out there, who abuse their kids, or even kill them (hmmm..Casey Anthony anome?).
I find her honesty refreshing. Some posters here clearly didn't read the whole article. She does not deny loving her kids. She provided them with a good upbringing (her son is successful in his career and married w kids), and BOTH her kids know her feelings on this issue. I think this is a great article because many women pop out kids just because that's what people "expect" them to do once they marry. Or because parents/family/friends pressure them. This woman's honesty is so refreshing to me, I wish there were more women like her. Just because you didn't WANT to be a mom but reluctantly did reproduce for the sake of appeasing your spouse alone doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human.
I'm not CF, but I think this is well said. I didn't come away from the article thinking she doesn't love her children. Just the opposite. I commend her honesty.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:11 AM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
While I don't agree with her writing this article publicly with her real name (unless she consulted with her children first), I find it problematic that she is being labeled as someone who is 'missing the essence of womanhood'. Before I get into why, I would like to mention that I AM pregnant, I have always wanted children and I consider myself someone with a strong maternal drive. That said, I do not think motherhood is the essence of womanhood, and I think that is a very antiquated view. Is it sad that she didn't seem to care whether her baby lived or died? Yes, that is sad. However, she didn't try to kill her child and when he did live she took what seems like very good care of him. Further, she gave him a sibling knowing that she wasn't enough for him, and not wanting him to feel alone.
Again, while writing this article with real names is a questionable decision, judging a woman for being honest about how she feels about her life choices, and then saying she is missing the essence of womanhood, is terribly judgmental and IMO takes away from much of what women have gained in the last few decades. Yes, many of us are mothers, but we are not ONLY mothers. I can not WAIT to become a mother and it will be an important part of MY identity as a person, but if I chose not to or could not have children, or if for some reason I didn't feel that instinctive bond with my children, it would not make me less of a woman.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:16 AM |
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mommy2B3
2 boys 2 girls!!!!
Member since 7/08 3324 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Wow, it sounds like my MIL. I never understood her lack of true maternal love. I can say that for my MIL i truly dont think its a mental disorder, but just selfishness. My DH is the most loving father, yet SIL is like my MIL with my nephew, its interesting how its similar with these people.
Id really like to know why she wrote this, and would the children have to agree since it is pics of them? How devastating, whether or not they knew how their mom felt, its another thing to read it with the rest of the world..
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:16 AM |
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StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!
Member since 6/10 21539 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by mommy2B3
Id really like to know why she wrote this, and would the children have to agree since it is pics of them? How devastating, whether or not they knew how their mom felt, its another thing to read it with the rest of the world..
I was going to say the same thing...
I wonder WHY she wrote this and for her children to read it? It seems extremely cruel.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:21 AM |
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ThePinkGoose
In Your Hands
Member since 8/08 4706 total posts
Name:
Nunya
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I don't really know how to feel about what she wrote. In a small sense, I can see what she's saying but she is hugely over the top about it. It's no secret that i'm dying to have a child but I also LOVE my life. I love the time that I have to do the things I want to do, time with DH, time to vacation and not have to pack 15 bags just to get out the door with a child, I GET IT. However, when she talks about not having that bond or not feeling as though her children have given anything back to her, that's just wacky to me. Everything that I would give up to have a child, would be 1,000 times made up for by everything I would gain. So bizarre.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:45 AM |
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peanutbutter2
Carpe diem!
Member since 11/10 5287 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I think a major difference exists between being honest with yourself and publicly stating that your offspring are your biggest regret.
I can't imagine how terrible I'd feel if DH, while still married to me, decided to circulate an article on the Internet about how marrying me was his biggest regret (or if one of my parents posted such an article!).
Message edited 4/12/2013 8:55:30 AM.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:48 AM |
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DiamondGirl
You are my I love you
Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
Name:
DiamondMama
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I do not begrudge her her feelings though they make zero sense to me. She resents her children so much but yet cares full time for her adult daughter who she could put in a home. I don't think she has real sense of her true feelings I think she is malcontent or just looking to shock others, who knows the whole piece is strange.
I bet there are women who truly do feel the same way but those women are likley more neglectful and damn sure wouldn't care for their kid in their old age.
Either way I could not feel more different from her and thank god for that. My child fills me with a joy that is totally unfathomable to me even though I always wanted to be a mom I still didn't realize how much I would love it, I feel lucky to feel this way, I can't imagine the guilt a mom who resents her children must feel.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:51 AM |
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blu6385
Member since 5/08 8351 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
i didnt find the article that bad until she took a jab at FTWM but either way she has every right to feel the way she does.
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| Posted 4/12/13 8:53 AM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Lots of judgment from someone who subjected her family to embarrassment and never played with her children.
When my son hugs me and says "I love you mommy" he gives me much more than I could ever give him.
I feel sad for this woman and her family.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:00 AM |
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DiamondGirl
You are my I love you
Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
Name:
DiamondMama
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by blu6385
i didnt find the article that bad until she took a jab at FTWM but either way she has every right to feel the way she does.
yeah this annoyed me also, like people shouldnt have children unless they can afford or desire to be with them every waking moment. Maybe she hated being a mom bc she was too dense to find the right balance for herself 
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:02 AM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I couldn't even read this all. I could never, ever feel "regret" for having my DS.
I also see she thought it was "selfish" to only have one child... but it was selfish of her to bring another child into the world when she already knew she didn't like being a mother to the one she had.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:12 AM |
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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by MandJZ
While I don't agree with her writing this article publicly with her real name (unless she consulted with her children first), I find it problematic that she is being labeled as someone who is 'missing the essence of womanhood'. Before I get into why, I would like to mention that I AM pregnant, I have always wanted children and I consider myself someone with a strong maternal drive. That said, I do not think motherhood is the essence of womanhood, and I think that is a very antiquated view. Is it sad that she didn't seem to care whether her baby lived or died? Yes, that is sad. However, she didn't try to kill her child and when he did live she took what seems like very good care of him. Further, she gave him a sibling knowing that she wasn't enough for him, and not wanting him to feel alone.
Again, while writing this article with real names is a questionable decision, judging a woman for being honest about how she feels about her life choices, and then saying she is missing the essence of womanhood, is terribly judgmental and IMO takes away from much of what women have gained in the last few decades. Yes, many of us are mothers, but we are not ONLY mothers. I can not WAIT to become a mother and it will be an important part of MY identity as a person, but if I chose not to or could not have children, or if for some reason I didn't feel that instinctive bond with my children, it would not make me less of a woman.
I couldn't agree more. While most of us can't possibly understand how she feels, at least she recognizes her own feelings. She did the best she could to compensate for her lack of maternal instinct through her sense of duty and responsibility for her children. She tried to take care of and provide for her children to the best of her ability and continues to do so. I do find the working mom comment offensive, but I think she may have stated it from her POV. If she was unable to love her children, she knew she had to at least care for them. She and her husband were both aware of her personality and he became the active, "loving" parent so it's not like these children were not loved or emotionally starved.
There is not one definition of what a woman is. I think it is terribly judgmental to say that the essence of being a woman is motherhood. Just because a woman does not have maternal instincts does not make her less of a woman. And guess what, I have heard many women on these boards say that they did not feel that immediate attachment and bond to their babies when they were born, or that they lost their sense of self. Luckily, most of these women got past that. maybe this woman didn't and that "love" of being a mother never came naturally to her. But from the article, it does sound like she loved them in her own way and did what she could.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:18 AM |
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Daisy32
Mommy
Member since 2/08 8081 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I cant even imagine the heartbreak I would feel if I heard my mom utter those words.  My heart breaks for her kids.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:22 AM |
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sometimesmommy
Always in my heart.....
Member since 11/06 6686 total posts
Name:
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
If I were her kids Id be embarrased to have her as a mother...
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:24 AM |
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sometimesmommy
Always in my heart.....
Member since 11/06 6686 total posts
Name:
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Message edited 4/12/2013 9:24:49 AM.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:24 AM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
This article should have been written anonymously.
I don't understand or relate to anything about this woman, but she is entitled to her feelings.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:30 AM |
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Nifheim
allo
Member since 1/09 5476 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
i applaud her honesty. in my travels i have met many parents who truly never wanted children but did it, for the sake of doing it and are obviously regretful and hateful towards them but put a show on.
my boss's mother had a nanny watch him and his sister growing up. Mom played golf, went to the country club, socialized and hardly ever spent time with them. however, this is acceptable in most circles but yet its pretty much what this woman did to her kids. She wasn't into it, she had them, she raised them, she did loved them - just didn't care to really do it.
if you read it until the end you would see she is caring for her daughter now who is ill and be ridden. If she didn't love or truly care she would of dropped her daughter off at a nursing home and forgotten about her like so many do.
Message edited 4/12/2013 9:32:26 AM.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:32 AM |
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PaddysGirl
Little princess is here!
Member since 4/07 5923 total posts
Name:
Crystal
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The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I really couldn't read this whole thing. its sad that she brought children into this world.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:33 AM |
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MaZz
* Lovin my baby girl!!! *
Member since 2/09 6243 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by JDubs
I couldn't even read this all. I could never, ever feel "regret" for having my DS.
I also see she thought it was "selfish" to only have one child... but it was selfish of her to bring another child into the world when she already knew she didn't like being a mother to the one she had.
Agreed 10000%
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:33 AM |
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starr
little whale on the way
Member since 6/10 1288 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by jambalady
Posted by MandJZ
While I don't agree with her writing this article publicly with her real name (unless she consulted with her children first), I find it problematic that she is being labeled as someone who is 'missing the essence of womanhood'. Before I get into why, I would like to mention that I AM pregnant, I have always wanted children and I consider myself someone with a strong maternal drive. That said, I do not think motherhood is the essence of womanhood, and I think that is a very antiquated view. Is it sad that she didn't seem to care whether her baby lived or died? Yes, that is sad. However, she didn't try to kill her child and when he did live she took what seems like very good care of him. Further, she gave him a sibling knowing that she wasn't enough for him, and not wanting him to feel alone.
Again, while writing this article with real names is a questionable decision, judging a woman for being honest about how she feels about her life choices, and then saying she is missing the essence of womanhood, is terribly judgmental and IMO takes away from much of what women have gained in the last few decades. Yes, many of us are mothers, but we are not ONLY mothers. I can not WAIT to become a mother and it will be an important part of MY identity as a person, but if I chose not to or could not have children, or if for some reason I didn't feel that instinctive bond with my children, it would not make me less of a woman.
I couldn't agree more. While most of us can't possibly understand how she feels, at least she recognizes her own feelings. She did the best she could to compensate for her lack of maternal instinct through her sense of duty and responsibility for her children. She tried to take care of and provide for her children to the best of her ability and continues to do so. I do find the working mom comment offensive, but I think she may have stated it from her POV. If she was unable to love her children, she knew she had to at least care for them. She and her husband were both aware of her personality and he became the active, "loving" parent so it's not like these children were not loved or emotionally starved.
There is not one definition of what a woman is. I think it is terribly judgmental to say that the essence of being a woman is motherhood. Just because a woman does not have maternal instincts does not make her less of a woman. And guess what, I have heard many women on these boards say that they did not feel that immediate attachment and bond to their babies when they were born, or that they lost their sense of self. Luckily, most of these women got past that. maybe this woman didn't and that "love" of being a mother never came naturally to her. But from the article, it does sound like she loved them in her own way and did what she could.
I agree with both of u. I also wonder whether she ever tried to get help in a form of therapy. what I find bizarre is how dutifully she performed her mom duties and yet she kept saying that she never got anything back. maybe she had issues recognizing some emotions... that being said she definitely has a right to feel that way and I too commend her for her honesty. this just shows that non of us are built the same and there really isnt a "normal"
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:39 AM |
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ItsaJoya19
my cup runneth over
Member since 1/10 2949 total posts
Name:
E
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
This lady needs to invest in a diary. Writing this publicly was so unnecessary and cruel to her children. If she wanted to let other mothers know that they might not be the only ones with these feelings she could (and SHOULD) have done so anonymously.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:39 AM |
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Cacarina
Two girls!
Member since 12/09 2971 total posts
Name:
Cari
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
I cannot understand mothers who insist they want children - especially those who undergo years of fertility treatment - then race back to work at the earliest opportunity after giving birth, leaving the vital job of caring for them to strangers.
Why have them at all if you don't want to bring them up, or can't afford to? And why pretend you wanted them if you have no intention of raising them? This hypocrisy is, in my view, far more pernicious and difficult to fathom than my own admission that my life would have been better without children.
THIS pissed me off. Resent or regret your kids all you want - but don't pass judgment on working mothers. I am a FTWM and I hug my daughter, I kiss her, I tell her I love her. I play with her and I spend and ENJOY every minute I get with her. I work FOR her - so that we can afford to buy her things and do things with her. F her for being an emotionally damaged mother and passing THAT off on her children. She thinks she's so much better that she was an emotionally devoid mother - but hey! at least she was there full time. F that - my dd gets love and attention every minute of her day - whether it is from me and dh, her daycare providers or other family.
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:40 AM |
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starr
little whale on the way
Member since 6/10 1288 total posts
Name:
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Re: The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life
Posted by mommy2B3
Wow, it sounds like my MIL. I never understood her lack of true maternal love. I can say that for my MIL i truly dont think its a mental disorder, but just selfishness. My DH is the most loving father, yet SIL is like my MIL with my nephew, its interesting how its similar with these people.
Id really like to know why she wrote this, and would the children have to agree since it is pics of them? How devastating, whether or not they knew how their mom felt, its another thing to read it with the rest of the world..
sounds like my MIL as well. tho she is very maternal with my youngest SIL who she had pretty late and is a pretty nice gramma to my other SIL's LOs. but really not maternal with my DH.
My DH too is very loving person (we unfortunately dont have kids yet) to me, and actually mothers me LOL
each time she treats him like any other family member and not a son breaks my heart
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| Posted 4/12/13 9:44 AM |
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