Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

I'm a bm in an upcoming wedding. There are 5 bm amd 1 moh. The bride's mother booked the shower and then told the bridal party their responsibilities. Two bm cannot make the shower. Should they be expected to contribute to a shower they wont even be attending? Part of the $ is goingto a combined gift. The amount being asked to ccontribute is $200.

Clarifications:
1) the mom is paying for the place. Bp has to pay for invites, favors, centerpieces, games/prizes, cake, gift
2) The bm are scattered... moh and one bm live in ct, 2 girls live in nuc, 2 live in li, one in CO
3) bridal party was not asked about date or paying
4) moh wants no part of doing anything
5) I am a bm but kind of out of obligation. she is marrying dh's brother and dh, and my kids are in the bp.

I have no idea how this works. my mom covered my whole shower

Message edited 1/15/2014 1:43:38 PM.

Bridesmaid etiquette question

Yes - they should be expected to contribute.

Bridesmaid etiquette question

Yes they should be expected but I also don't think BMs should have to pay for a shower that they didn't book.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question

Yes, they should still contribute. However, I think it's very rude of the mother to not have coordinated the date of the shower with the bridal party.

Bridesmaid etiquette question

Contribute to what? The gift? If so, yes I think they should give/contribute to the gift even if they're not going. I'm not feeling the whole mother telling everyone what their responsibilities are??? Glad I did not experience that when I was a bridesmaid. lol

Bridesmaid etiquette question

My bms didn't pay for my shower. My aunt and father did (my mom would have thrown it if she were alive). Every situation is different. If they don't chip in for the gift I'm sure they would do something on their own. Not sure I would expect them to pay for a shower they weren't going to.

Bridesmaid etiquette question

Was this discussed and agreed upon before the mother booked it?
-Then yes!

If not, then I do not think they should have to contribute to the party (Honestly- I don't think any of them should if she just went and booked without agreement upon all parties...)

Regardless they should be contributing to the gift. IMO

Bridesmaid etiquette question

Yes, they must contribute even if not attending. Maybeee knock off 50 if there is drama ensuing, but yes, everyone should have to pay the 200... The only time I didn't pay into my portion was for the bachelorette party that I didn't attend...I think that's different though.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question

I'm still a little confused. Clearly these 6 woman are close to the bride that she chose them for her bridal party. How does the mother not see it as a problem that two of the girls can't attend? Have any of you asked the mom to change the date?

Bridesmaid etiquette question

Wait, is it customary for BMs to contribute to the bridal shower? I've never heard of this.

Bridesmaid etiquette question

if it's for the gift, yeah i'd think they should contribute

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Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question

Bridesmaid etiquette question

I have been a BM so many times. I gave a gift yes but never contributed to the shower.

Bridesmaid etiquette question

If the BM's will not be attending a shower that they did not choose the date for and are unable to attend, I do not think that they should have to pay for the party. If part of the contribution is going to a joint gift, then I think they should only be asked to contribute the amount for the gift. If they elect not to, that is their choice and they should then give their own gift.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

So $1200 is supposed to go to invites, favors, center pieces and a gift, is that correct? I think the mother needs to let you guys handle those things on your own. I highly doubt it needs to be $1200. You can get pretty and inexpensive invites from vista print, pick favors yourself, make/buy floral center pieces and then chip in for the gift.
I think it's rude enough that she didn't coordinate the date with all of you, I don't think she should dictate which invitations, which favors, etc...

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

I think that's really ballsy of the mom. What I have been accustomed to is the bridal party contributing money to the gift for the bride and groom like a big screen TV, BBQ etc...the amount is not surprising to me it is usually what I have spent maybe even more on the gift. But to pay for the favors, centerpieces and cake is absolutely ridiculous. In my opinion her mom should be covering all of that being that she wants to throw the party.

To answer your question I would contribute the amount but be annoyed at where some of it is being spent. I just feel it should all go to the bride and grooms gift.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

Yes, I do think it should be evenly contributed. Does this usually happen? Not always. I always feel like there is at least some paying drama with bridesmaids.

Everyone has different budgets. For most, I would think $200 is not much to chip in for a shower. I know for others, they may not think they should have to chip in if they are not attending.

I had a bridesmaid who is out of state who was in grad school at the time of my wedding. I am fairly certain she did not chip in for my shower or bachelorette party. She could not attend from OOS.

I was in a wedding last year where I paid for everything by myself. I had other bridesmaids give me all their receipts to be reimbursed. I was a little annoyed but whatever.

Message edited 1/15/2014 2:20:07 PM.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

Nearly every source you read on the topic says that the bridal party should host the shower. That said, I think the mom should have double-checked the date with everyone and discussed the splitting of responsibilities or money or whatever. If I were in this scenario and COULD attend, I would gladly contribute. If I were in this scenario and could NOT attend, I would gladly contribute (although hurt my schedule wasn't considered). I'm doing it for my friend who has honored me with a place in her wedding and who I'm sure deserves a lovely shower.

Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

Yes they should pay. While I think it's a little ballsy of the mom to ask for money and do what the bridal party is responsible for, maybe she did not have a choice as the MOH said she doesn't want to do it. Did any of the bridesmaids step up and ask to do those things and maybe bring down the cost? Also, just because it was brought up, no one in my family or extended family has ever asked the bridal party if the date was ok. Both families and the MOH yes, but the entire bridal party, never.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

Message edited 1/15/2014 2:17:30 PM.

Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

My parents paid for my shower. That being said, if the MOB booked it and didn't ask for anyones opinion or if they were available, no they shouldn't have to contribute to the shower. Yes,if all agreed on a group gift.

Re: Bridesmaid etiquette question **with clarifications

I don't think the bridal party should be obligated to pay $200, it does not matter if they are attending or not.

If the mom is paying for the place, usually a cake is included. If the mom wants a more expensive cake she should cover the cost.

The mother should not dictate what gift should be bought, the bridal party should either all get one gift together (the mom does not need to be part of the conversation) or get a gift on there own (if they choose).

The MOH should help in some way but it seems like there is more to the story. Why does the MOH not what anything to do with this? Does she not get along with the mom? Is she in the process of planning a great bachelorette party?