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busymomonli
Resident Insomniac
Member since 4/13 2050 total posts
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
I know everyone here is relatively young, so there may not be too many dealing with this. My mom is turning 70 this year and I can see a rapid decline in her ability to care for herself and it really concerns me. She lost my dad many years ago (she was 45) and she was with another man for about 12 year until he recently passed away. Now she's alone and I am realizing how little she can do for herself. I've just taken on doing all her finances because she can't do them or remember to do them (or she spends her money on other things), she can't drive on any road she doesn't recognize and she'll often drive 10 miles out of her way just to avoid an unfamiliar path, and she's becoming so frail. And, as the daughter with three brothers, the burden falls on me to take care of things when I am working full time and taking care of my own kids and finances. I'm very overwhelmed.
If you've btdt, how do you know when it might be time for an assisted living type situation? Right now she can still shower and walk fine (but slow), and drives. She still has a very part time job even. Does Medicare pay for these things? Is there anything I need to do now to prepare for what might be 5 years down the road?
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Posted 6/10/14 4:36 PM  |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
I would bring her in for a check up with her PCP and go with her so that you can discuss these memory issues and issues taking care of her daily needs. A decline like this, this early, would be cause for concern for me (I work in a neurology practice). What you are describing are warning signs of dementia and/or Alzheimer's. I'm sorry if I come off blunt, but getting her fully checked and getting a diagnosis will help get you and her the care/help she needs. Does she have a secondary to medicare? I think she needs a lot of help in the immediate and not 5 years from now.
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| Posted 6/10/14 4:46 PM |
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MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
I agree with the above poster. And just wanted to add that you need to talk to your brothers about this. If they are all in the area they need to know you need help with this. It shouldn't fall only on you simply because you are the daughter.
I deal with something similar. But its not a parent. Hugs to you. I know its not easy having to take over.
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| Posted 6/10/14 4:52 PM |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Posted by MsSissy
I agree with the above poster. And just wanted to add that you need to talk to your brothers about this. If they are all in the area they need to know you need help with this. It shouldn't fall only on you simply because you are the daughter.
I deal with something similar. But its not a parent. Hugs to you. I know its not easy having to take over.
Yes!!!! Talk to your brothers. Whatever help they can give will be HUGE.
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| Posted 6/10/14 4:54 PM |
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mishmosh
That's all I got.
Member since 7/06 1452 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm the caretaker for my grandmother, since my parents died young and I'm an only child. I've been through all of this. Like the pp suggested, definitely touch base with her pcp. 70 is relatively young for that level of frailty.
Assisted living is private pay. Medicare doesn't cover it. It's very expensive--$3500/month minimum and of course, depends on the level of care needed. My grandmother was in assisted living for 5 years and we just moved her to a nursing home, because she has declined rapidly. I can't suggest any alternative,s because we never had to look into it.
FM if you have any questions...
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| Posted 6/10/14 4:57 PM |
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J9-13
We're gonna be big sisters!
Member since 6/06 14887 total posts
Name:
J9
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Def. bring her in for a check up. I would be very concerned and also so afraid for her to be driving.
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| Posted 6/10/14 4:57 PM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Both my parents are 70 and I would def be concerned if they couldn't take care of themselves. Unless there are other confirmed medical issues 70 is not that old.
Also. Have a sit down with you siblings now as it will not get any easier. I saw what my mothers siblings did when it was time to take care of their mother. It ripped apart a family because one wouldn't do anything b
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| Posted 6/10/14 5:01 PM |
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OnlyU12
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/13 431 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
I am going to FM you.
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| Posted 6/10/14 7:07 PM |
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
A meeting with the PCP is a good place to start. Often they can get away with being the bad guy, and often family will listen to them more.
Secondly, I think it's important to call a family meeting and divide up responsibilities.
While it's really helpful to have a primary go-to family member, that person doesn't have to be responsible for everything behind the scenes.
It's also important to explore a long-term living arrangement.
Home care is a whole other issue but a good PCP who has eldercare experience should be able to help.
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| Posted 6/10/14 7:27 PM |
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Mom-of-one
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/08 677 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Also book a consult with an eldercare attorney to see what measures can be taken to help her with finances. Sometimes, they sponsor those planning workshops - if you find one, then consider going. They are very informative.
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| Posted 6/10/14 9:11 PM |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Posted by Mom-of-one
Also book a consult with an eldercare attorney to see what measures can be taken to help her with finances. Sometimes, they sponsor those planning workshops - if you find one, then consider going. They are very informative.
Yes! I don't know where you are located but the law practice in my building does this often.
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| Posted 6/10/14 9:25 PM |
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Pumpkin1
LIF Adult
Member since 12/05 3715 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Posted by jessnbrian
Posted by Mom-of-one
Also book a consult with an eldercare attorney to see what measures can be taken to help her with finances. Sometimes, they sponsor those planning workshops - if you find one, then consider going. They are very informative.
Yes! I don't know where you are located but the law practice in my building does this often.
You may want to do some estate planning as well, such as setting up trust for her home and other assets.
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| Posted 6/10/14 9:34 PM |
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Posted by Mom-of-one
Also book a consult with an eldercare attorney to see what measures can be taken to help her with finances. Sometimes, they sponsor those planning workshops - if you find one, then consider going. They are very informative.
Yes. I forgot to mention this earlier. Best money that can be spent, especially if she may qualify for Medicaid or require a trust to be set up.
This is not something the average person, or even someone who is somewhat familiar with "the system" can figure out on their own.
And be forewarned that it's not something that happens overnight or in most cases, even a few months.
That is why it's important to start now.
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| Posted 6/11/14 5:21 AM |
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ISpoilHim
I think I got this
Member since 11/10 1523 total posts
Name:
K
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
When my mom got sick all the responsibility fell on me. My brother always said "I have a job." Well I had a job a newborn and a husband. But still I got no help from him.
I would definitely sit down with your siblings now before things get "worse". Discuss and define roles and expectations. And do not just assume all the responsibility because you are the daughter. It is a lot caring for a parent. You will need help even if it is just someone to make phone calls for you once in a while.
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| Posted 6/11/14 8:12 AM |
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busymomonli
Resident Insomniac
Member since 4/13 2050 total posts
Name:
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Thank you everyone. I should have mentioned there is a history of dementia in her family. Her mom was in a nursing home by 80 and could not even recognize after that point.
She is by no means ready for assisted living or a nursing home yet, I am seeing small signs of decline and feel like it may be about 5 years down the road. Last year was a rough year for her, she had a car accident (rear ended) and a tear in her intestinal track requiring two major surgeries. So she is slightly hunched over from the incision to the stomach, and has arthritis in her back. She gets around though, and mentally she's okay most of the time. I just sometimes realize she's forgotten something, or she'll tell me the same story twice in a day. Things like that. The driving makes me worried, shes an extremely nervous driver and that can be a hazard on the road (i.e. driving too slow).
As for my brothers, two of them are married to women who "rule the roost" and pretty much tell them what to do. They do help, but to a point, leaving the rest of fall on me. My third brother can barely take car of himself and doesn't drive, so he's really not much help. I will have to sit down with my brothers and their wives and discuss the future. That should be fun.
My mom had no assets, she had to sell her home long ago because she didn't manage her money well when my father died. She has a car, that's about it. She gets a ss payment and a check from dads pension, and survives on that. So there is no estate planning needed or anything like that. But I think my library has a class on elder care planning, so I'll look into that.
I do appreciate all the advice and am looking into several things. Thanks so much for the support. It's not easy when you're parents get older.
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| Posted 6/11/14 9:07 AM |
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DWKS810
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/09 554 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
I'm sorry you are going through this and as an elder law attorney I see it a lot. It's so difficult to deal with. My office actually set up a free "Caregiver Resource Center" with all kinds of materials and resources that you may find helpful. We have a program designed to assist caregivers as we'll, FM me if you'd like some info on it, maybe you would find it helpful. In any event your mom is very lucky to have you to help her, hang in there...
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| Posted 6/11/14 12:06 PM |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Does she own the house she lives in?
She might not be ready for assisted living, but she might not be able to live by herself anymore. It's a hard decision to make, I really suggest sitting and talking with her PCP as a start. I think you are in a great position because you are recognizing the early signs of dementia. There are wonderful medications available now, such as Namenda, Aricept, or Exelon patch, which can help to slow the progression of the dementia (**every patient is different**). She could certainly benefit from a neurological exam.
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| Posted 6/11/14 12:37 PM |
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busymomonli
Resident Insomniac
Member since 4/13 2050 total posts
Name:
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Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Thank you. I didn't know there was medication to slow dementia down. I am going to have her make an apt with doctor and try to get some neurologic testing done.
She doesn't own a home, she has an apartment currently. She has no assets really, just a car that she makes payments on.
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| Posted 6/11/14 1:05 PM |
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OnlyU12
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/13 431 total posts
Name:
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Re: Dealing with elderly/needy parents
Posted by busymomonli
Thank you. I didn't know there was medication to slow dementia down. I am going to have her make an apt with doctor and try to get some neurologic testing done.
She doesn't own a home, she has an apartment currently. She has no assets really, just a car that she makes payments on.
Please educate yourself on the medications or seek a reputable dr who works with dementia patients. Most of these medications are not as effective, and the disease still can rapidly grow.
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| Posted 6/11/14 1:46 PM |
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