Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Posted by quasi3

Posted by MissJones

I'm sorry, I just can't imagine the sh1t list I'd be inn with my in laws if I chose work over their daughters wedding.

I get that you are thinking about your future in your school and take your career seriously as you should. But this is your sister in law. Your husband's sister. Would you do the same to your own sister? It's reasonable to miss the ceremony if it's a cousin, friend, etc, but this...I don't know. This could cause some bad blood.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

You need to take the day off and go to that wedding. If you are pregnant by then you will need to take days off anyway...

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I work in a school district in administration building. You can take a personal day,thats what you have them for. Your Brother is getting married, and your entitled to a Personal day for that,Tenured or not. Before you talk to your SIL saying you cant make it, I would Contact your union rep and the Personal department about your request and they will let you know if you can take the day. Please contact them. I would not say anything to your SIL until you have spoken to them and let them know your concerns.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

What does your husband think?

I understand your stress and concern. I'm not a teacher, but with any job, any difficult boss, any level of responsibility etc. sometimes you just CAN NOT be there for family events.
It's a trade off -

Some people will tell youi that NOTHING would keep them away from XYZ event, or they can't possibly understand what the big deal is, how someone could even consider doing that, 'there are more important things in life' etc but, those people have most likely never been tryly put in the position.

I've never had to miss a wedding - but I've had to miss bachelorette parties, bridal showers etc for very close friends/family due to deadlines and job responsibilities.
We have had to cancel family vacations b/c of DH's job responsibilities, last year we got to Disney on Sunday, and he had to turn around and fly home on Monday, missing the whole week's vacation with me and the boys ........it was awful, but it's reality sometimes.
Most people who, again, don't have that level of responsibility at work were like that's ridiculous. he didn't really have to go back, he's "entitled" to his vacation etc. -

Bottom line, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.
In your situation, if you really feel it's not in your best interest, career wise to take the day off, I'd sit your SIL down and REALLY explain it to her. Explain what's going on in your school, how nearly close to impossible it is to GET a FT teaching position, much less tenure, etc. etc.
If she doesn't understand, or your DH's family doesn't understand .......they'll have to get over it.
......

Message edited 8/3/2015 9:30:47 AM.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Posted by MarisaK

What does your husband think?

I understand your stress and concern. I'm not a teacher, but with any job, any difficult boss, any level of responsibility etc. sometimes you just CAN NOT be there for family events.
It's a trade off -

Some people will tell youi that NOTHING would keep them away from XYZ event, or they can't possibly understand what the big deal is, how someone could even consider doing that, 'there are more important things in life' etc but, those people have most likely never been tryly put in the position.

I've never had to miss a wedding - but I've had to miss bachelorette parties, bridal showers etc for very close friends/family due to deadlines and job responsibilities.
We have had to cancel family vacations b/c of DH's job responsibilities, last year we got to Disney on Sunday, and he had to turn around and fly home on Monday, missing the whole week's vacation with me and the boys ........it was awful, but it's reality sometimes.
Most people who, again, don't have that level of responsibility at work were like that's ridiculous. he didn't really have to go back, he's "entitled" to his vacation etc. -

Bottom line, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.
In your situation, if you really feel it's not in your best interest, career wise to take the day off, I'd sit your SIL down and REALLY explain it to her. Explain what's going on in your school, how nearly close to impossible it is to GET a FT teaching position, much less tenure, etc. etc.
If she doesn't understand, or your DH's family doesn't understand .......they'll have to get over it.
......

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Family first.....always

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Posted by MarisaK

What does your husband think?

I understand your stress and concern. I'm not a teacher, but with any job, any difficult boss, any level of responsibility etc. sometimes you just CAN NOT be there for family events.
It's a trade off -

Some people will tell youi that NOTHING would keep them away from XYZ event, or they can't possibly understand what the big deal is, how someone could even consider doing that, 'there are more important things in life' etc but, those people have most likely never been tryly put in the position.

I've never had to miss a wedding - but I've had to miss bachelorette parties, bridal showers etc for very close friends/family due to deadlines and job responsibilities.
We have had to cancel family vacations b/c of DH's job responsibilities, last year we got to Disney on Sunday, and he had to turn around and fly home on Monday, missing the whole week's vacation with me and the boys ........it was awful, but it's reality sometimes.
Most people who, again, don't have that level of responsibility at work were like that's ridiculous. he didn't really have to go back, he's "entitled" to his vacation etc. -

Bottom line, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.
In your situation, if you really feel it's not in your best interest, career wise to take the day off, I'd sit your SIL down and REALLY explain it to her. Explain what's going on in your school, how nearly close to impossible it is to GET a FT teaching position, much less tenure, etc. etc.
If she doesn't understand, or your DH's family doesn't understand .......they'll have to get over it.
......

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Posted by MrsB612

Posted by MarisaK

What does your husband think?

I understand your stress and concern. I'm not a teacher, but with any job, any difficult boss, any level of responsibility etc. sometimes you just CAN NOT be there for family events.
It's a trade off -

Some people will tell youi that NOTHING would keep them away from XYZ event, or they can't possibly understand what the big deal is, how someone could even consider doing that, 'there are more important things in life' etc but, those people have most likely never been tryly put in the position.

I've never had to miss a wedding - but I've had to miss bachelorette parties, bridal showers etc for very close friends/family due to deadlines and job responsibilities.
We have had to cancel family vacations b/c of DH's job responsibilities, last year we got to Disney on Sunday, and he had to turn around and fly home on Monday, missing the whole week's vacation with me and the boys ........it was awful, but it's reality sometimes.
Most people who, again, don't have that level of responsibility at work were like that's ridiculous. he didn't really have to go back, he's "entitled" to his vacation etc. -

Bottom line, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.
In your situation, if you really feel it's not in your best interest, career wise to take the day off, I'd sit your SIL down and REALLY explain it to her. Explain what's going on in your school, how nearly close to impossible it is to GET a FT teaching position, much less tenure, etc. etc.
If she doesn't understand, or your DH's family doesn't understand .......they'll have to get over it.
......

100% agree. I too am not a teacher but I understand competition. I get 10 sick days a year - I've used 3 in the past 8 years. Sometimes things like this is what separate you from the rest. It's a really tough job market - especially in the teacher field from what I've read on here. Maybe you can make up for it by helping plan a really great shower and bacherlorette party?

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

It seems as though your mind is pretty much made up . The majority of this post, many of whom are educators and know first hand the vigors of obtaining tenure, have told you to talk to your Principal and take the day. You aren't asking for a week off, your sister (in law) is getting married. Doing a lot for the shower or not I would expect hard feeling and rightly so.

Message edited 8/3/2015 11:01:47 AM.

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

again, i never asked for advice on whether or not I should take off. In my OP, I explained how I feel uncomfortable asking off and asked for advice on how to break the news! lol

I appreciate all of your responses, but some of you sound so upset that I "already had my mind made up." I DID have my mind made up already, and said that in my very first post!!! lmao

Message edited 8/3/2015 11:04:49 AM.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

At the very least you should let your admin know that you're missing an important wedding b/c you don't want to miss work - at least make this weigh heavily in your favor at work! Let them think, "wow, she wants this job SO badly that she's willing skip the ceremony of an immediate family member."

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Posted by MrsB612

Posted by MarisaK

What does your husband think?

I understand your stress and concern. I'm not a teacher, but with any job, any difficult boss, any level of responsibility etc. sometimes you just CAN NOT be there for family events.
It's a trade off -

Some people will tell youi that NOTHING would keep them away from XYZ event, or they can't possibly understand what the big deal is, how someone could even consider doing that, 'there are more important things in life' etc but, those people have most likely never been tryly put in the position.

I've never had to miss a wedding - but I've had to miss bachelorette parties, bridal showers etc for very close friends/family due to deadlines and job responsibilities.
We have had to cancel family vacations b/c of DH's job responsibilities, last year we got to Disney on Sunday, and he had to turn around and fly home on Monday, missing the whole week's vacation with me and the boys ........it was awful, but it's reality sometimes.
Most people who, again, don't have that level of responsibility at work were like that's ridiculous. he didn't really have to go back, he's "entitled" to his vacation etc. -

Bottom line, you have to do what you have to do sometimes.
In your situation, if you really feel it's not in your best interest, career wise to take the day off, I'd sit your SIL down and REALLY explain it to her. Explain what's going on in your school, how nearly close to impossible it is to GET a FT teaching position, much less tenure, etc. etc.
If she doesn't understand, or your DH's family doesn't understand .......they'll have to get over it.
......

100% agree. I too am not a teacher but I understand competition. I get 10 sick days a year - I've used 3 in the past 8 years. Sometimes things like this is what separate you from the rest. It's a really tough job market - especially in the teacher field from what I've read on here. Maybe you can make up for it by helping plan a really great shower and bacherlorette party?

Message edited 8/3/2015 11:30:49 AM.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Yeah you just need to tell the truth and explain that you hope there are no hard feelings because it's not really like you WANT to miss it - it's just a thing that you feel will come back to bite you and hurt you career-wise. And people can say whatever they want but no one knows for sure if it will or won't hurt you and in this economic climate, especially in the education field, that's a BIG chance to take.

Again, my grandmother fuucking DIED.

My sister came to the night wakes and missed the farking funeral.

SHE DIED. Our grandmother! Our mother's mother!

It was Jenn's first year teaching.

No way, no how.

It's really not right but there are A LOT of things that go on in this world that aren't right. Sadly.

Best of luck to you.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this decision. I'm not a teacher but your gut says to not skip the day and I say go with your gut. I've skipped many family events for my career and while some people have understood, others have called me a "work aholic" but you know what? I got where I am in my career for being driven and I'm proud of it. I wasn't happy about having to do it at the time, but I did what I had to do.

I think that you need to tell your Future SIL that you will be a "role" of a bridesmaid for her shower, for her bachelorette, but you just can't stand by her side on her wedding day at 1pm, though it kills you not to be there. As a recent bride, I can say that I wouldn't be upset if my SIL told me that she couldn't be in my wedding party. But that is also me--I felt bad enough having my wedding on a Sunday afternoon, worried that people would be hung over for work the next day. Hopefully she also gets that she may not have everyone at the church because 1pm on a Friday is tough.

how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

For all of you on the side of "its your immediate family", think this way. What IF she did lose her tenure because of it? Is SIL and FBIL going to pay the salary she now wont have? And I work in an industry where time off is a touchy subject as well. And I had the opposite happen to me. My DHs SIL was supposed to do a reading at our ceremony (shes much older and requested not to be a BM) and at the last minute (a week before) found out she couldnt get the date off and couldnt come to my ceremony. And I had a Saturday wedding, not a Friday. She was there for the reception and thats what matters. She did what she could. It goes both ways. Life happens. I still have a very good relationship with my SIL.

To the OP, I saw your post about your in-laws taking it well. I'm happy for you. You should do whats right for you and your DH.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

Whatever you decide is best for you then so be it

But what do I know. I'm
Selfish and have weddings on Fridays

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

You aren't asking to take off for a non-important reason. This is a wedding AND a family member. I would absolutely take off from work that day and be there for her.

ETA: I am not a teacher and I don't know how time off works.. :)

Message edited 8/3/2015 1:17:09 PM.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

For all they know, you could have a very important doctor's appointment scheduled. But if you're that concerned- I'd take the half day. One thing I've learned in life... don't f*ck with a bride or her wedding.

Re: how to tell bride I cannot be a bridesmaid?

I've read every response and it's clear that many people think you should take the risk and sacrifice your career so that you don't hurt your SIL's feelings.

I think that's insane. Your CAREER is more important than walking down the aisle at someone else's wedding, even family. I'm sure SIL will be upset, but she'll also get over it when she gains a little perspective. I wouldn't want anyone to risk sabotaging their CAREER for my wedding day.

ETA: I think it's horrific that it's this difficult for you to take a day off for a valid reason. But I remember my boss once telling me, after I said I was quitting to become a teacher so I'd have time with my kids, that teachers never get to take a sick day (his mother and sister are teachers).

Message edited 8/3/2015 2:18:27 PM.