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Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
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stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!
Member since 4/06 3164 total posts
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Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
I have no idea how to discipline DD (2.5yrs) anymore. Apparently she is just like I was
Anyway, time-outs do not phase her. She sings to herself or otherwise entertains herself. It does not bother her to be yelled at she will just retort " Don't yell at me mommy I do not like that". She is fresh, sassy and ignores me and plays dumb when I try to tell her what to do. I have tried throwing away toys, time-outs etc. I am very consistent. I don't know what else to do.
Generally, she is actually very good (not a lot of tantrums, has good manners etc.) but she wants to do what she wants to do (that sounds familiar).
Anyone have any experience or advice to share?
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Posted 7/17/09 11:24 AM  |
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GoldenRod
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Shawn
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
DS was the same way. He would sit in "time out" for hours after we told him he could leave. He would offer to give up all of his toys when we threatened to take some of them away. There wasn't any repercussion that we could come up with that would work. We read dozens of books, but none of the books dealt with super stubborn kids.
However, they do eventually grow up, and at some point, there IS something that they absolutely cannot live without, whether it's TV, a book, going to a friend's house, etc. Once they have something you can bargain with, it makes things much easier.... Unfortunately, I don't have a solution for this time period, since nothing we tried worked reliably for us either.
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| Posted 7/17/09 1:49 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Alex is the same way - a smart, sassy, stubborn cookie. Time outs aren't all that effective, though I do use them on a consistent basis, particularly when she has friends over, because that adds insult to injury.
However, what is most effective is to identify her most prized possession, and use that as leverage. Alex LOVES LOVES LOVES that I read 5 books to her at night. When she acts up, she's given one warning, and then after that, I remove one book each from her bedtime routine. If she REALLY acts out, she gets NO books, no mommy time before bed, and no TV in the morning.
The key, however, is to be consistent and follow through. Idle threats mean nothing if you don't act on it, and these smart ones know that. A few nights without books, straight to bed without cuddle time, and now Alex knows I am serious when I give her a warning.
Something else that was quite effective - last week she was invited to a small birthday party for her best friend. She started acting out before. As much as it pained me because we had bought a gift and even baked a cake, we didn't go to the party because she wasn't behaving. It was awful doing that to her, but she got it, and now understands that if she doesn't behave well, or doesn't listen to me, there are very real consequences that hit home for her.
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| Posted 7/17/09 2:08 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
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Janice
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by Bxgell2
Something else that was quite effective - last week she was invited to a small birthday party for her best friend. She started acting out before. As much as it pained me because we had bought a gift and even baked a cake, we didn't go to the party because she wasn't behaving. It was awful doing that to her, but she got it, and now understands that if she doesn't behave well, or doesn't listen to me, there are very real consequences that hit home for her.
wow!! good for you!
I know it must have hurt so much that day, but I bet it was some lesson learned.
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| Posted 7/17/09 2:10 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Oh hell yeah. She didn't go to the party that night, nor did she get any bedtime books, or cuddle time with mommy. We put her in her PJ's, crying the whole time, put her in bed, and walked away.
It was AWFUL for me, but she bounced back the next morning, and even came into my room in the morning and apologized for behaving so badly.
And I have to say, ever since, she's been a REALLY GOOD GIRL!
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| Posted 7/17/09 2:19 PM |
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by Bxgell2
Alex is the same way - a smart, sassy, stubborn cookie. Time outs aren't all that effective, though I do use them on a consistent basis, particularly when she has friends over, because that adds insult to injury.
However, what is most effective is to identify her most prized possession, and use that as leverage. Alex LOVES LOVES LOVES that I read 5 books to her at night. When she acts up, she's given one warning, and then after that, I remove one book each from her bedtime routine. If she REALLY acts out, she gets NO books, no mommy time before bed, and no TV in the morning.
The key, however, is to be consistent and follow through. Idle threats mean nothing if you don't act on it, and these smart ones know that. A few nights without books, straight to bed without cuddle time, and now Alex knows I am serious when I give her a warning.
Something else that was quite effective - last week she was invited to a small birthday party for her best friend. She started acting out before. As much as it pained me because we had bought a gift and even baked a cake, we didn't go to the party because she wasn't behaving. It was awful doing that to her, but she got it, and now understands that if she doesn't behave well, or doesn't listen to me, there are very real consequences that hit home for her.
Well done, Beth - thats how we roll round these parts as well!!! 
The best thing is to identify the times she needs discipline, and maybe choose one battle at a time. If she is doing 5 things you want to address, you will be exhausted trying to "fix" 5 behaviors - pick the 2 that you cannot deal with one more second, and start with those 2. I'm a big fan of rewarding other behavior you want to see versus punishing the behavior you want to stop.
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| Posted 7/17/09 2:25 PM |
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
If she's just like you - ask your parents.
What does she like? treats, mommy time, tv? Have you tried taking that away?
Tell her she can't sign in time-out - she has to think about what she did or keep saying I LOVE MOMMY I WILL BE A GOOD GIRL
DS is only 17 mos and he has been displaying his independence, and knowledge of the word NO. 2x this week he got back-to-back time outs b/c he wouldn't come to me to get dressed in the AM.
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| Posted 7/17/09 2:52 PM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
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Shawn
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by Bxgell2
However, what is most effective is to identify her most prized possession, and use that as leverage.
The tricky part is when DC has NO "prized possession". DS would rather have any punishment we could think of instead of giving in. We could not identify a single prized possession that we could leverage with at that age. Everything that he seemed to enjoy, he would gladly give up instead of just following direction.
We were very consistent, and never made idle threats, but he was more stubborn than any book even came close to addressing. Even school and independent psychologists couldn't find a way to crack him.
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| Posted 7/17/09 3:00 PM |
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ME75
Member since 10/06 4563 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
just wanted to you too! the hardest thing in disciplining is not just the consistency but actually doing what you threat even when it ruins it for you! i see parents throw out empty threats ALL the time and that is main problem. it's as hard and as simple as that!
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| Posted 7/17/09 3:06 PM |
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InShock
life is good
Member since 10/06 9258 total posts
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by Bxgell2
Something else that was quite effective - last week she was invited to a small birthday party for her best friend. She started acting out before. As much as it pained me because we had bought a gift and even baked a cake, we didn't go to the party because she wasn't behaving. It was awful doing that to her, but she got it, and now understands that if she doesn't behave well, or doesn't listen to me, there are very real consequences that hit home for her.
Just out of curiosity - if you don't mind sharing - what did your DD do to warrant this punishment?
I am just asking bc as of yet, I haven't seen behaviors in my DD that would take me to these extreme measures (she is 2, so I think that's at least a year younger than your DD). I'm curious as to what kinds of things I may be in store for. 
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| Posted 7/17/09 3:08 PM |
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stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!
Member since 4/06 3164 total posts
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by GoldenRod
Posted by Bxgell2
However, what is most effective is to identify her most prized possession, and use that as leverage.
The tricky part is when DC has NO "prized possession". DS would rather have any punishment we could think of instead of giving in. We could not identify a single prized possession that we could leverage with at that age. Everything that he seemed to enjoy, he would gladly give up instead of just following direction.
We were very consistent, and never made idle threats, but he was more stubborn than any book even came close to addressing. Even school and independent psychologists couldn't find a way to crack him.
This completely describes my problem. She just does not care. I have thrown Tinkerbell toys in the garbage and she has been upset for like 2 minutes and then does not care. She has actually put herself in time out because she has decided that she rather deal with the consequences.
Of course I feel like it has gotten worse these last few months of my pregnancy becauser I amnot as agile aas i used to be.
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| Posted 7/17/09 3:55 PM |
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Eireann
Two ladies and a gentleman!
Member since 5/05 12165 total posts
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
I wish I had advice for you. It sounds like my younger DD and yours are identical!
She is verrrry strong willed. She is also very physically agressive at times--which is why I need to discipline her most of the time. However...
After committing the offense, she'll say cheerfully, "I go time out now mommy?" Then to spite her, I REFUSE to give her the time out. It doesn't work anyhow...even though she's removed from everything, she enjoys it!! Several have suggested taking away something she favors. Well, yeah...she has NO favorite ANYTHING: toy, book, doll, etc! Not even TV...doesn't care!
The other night she was pulling her sister's hair and generally abusing her. So, I decided to take away her after-dinner cookie. She did flip out when her sister was eating a cookie and she wasn't. But...next day, same behavior even though I reminded her time and time again. I guess I'll continue with the cookie removal and see how that goes.
I am sorry I was of absolutely NO help...just wanted to join your club!
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| Posted 7/17/09 4:06 PM |
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Eireann
Two ladies and a gentleman!
Member since 5/05 12165 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Oh wait, I just thought of something my pediatrician suggested. I don't know if you have any other DC, so this may not pertain to you although I'm sure you could tailor it somehow, depending on the behavior. For us, I think my little one craves the attention...even negative attention.
She told me that when DD#2 was abusing DD#1 to shower the injured party with attention and basically ignore the abuser. That actually did give DD#2 pause. Maybe ignoring some of the behaviors would work? I'm afraid of overusing this technique however...I'm worried DD will devise new and outrageous ways to act out. 
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| Posted 7/17/09 4:16 PM |
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-Lisa-
---------------
Member since 5/05 6530 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
I wish I knew! Generally Ella is very well behaved but when she gets in a mood - watch out! Today she refused to "ask nicely" for her milk. She whined and cried that she wanted milk, but would NOT simply say "please". I didn't give into her mood, and over an HOUR later, she came over and said "can I please have milk in the pink cup please" - sweet as pie! I can't believe she could hold out that long!
It was a total act, and I'm glad I didn't cave. But the battle of wills is exhausting!
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| Posted 7/17/09 8:11 PM |
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mommy2bella
Where does time go?
Member since 12/05 9747 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
I have not had to go as far as Beth, but that is my method as well.
When she refused to eat and ignored all the warnings while acting horribly during family dinner, we told her that punishment was an early bedtime. We changed her, brushed her teeth, and put her to bed. At 6:10 pm 
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Especially when they cry and apologize when they realize that you are following through. She went to sleep and the next morning apologized and has never really acted like that again.
I am by no means perfect and we have absolutely horrible nights sometimes because she is SO stubborn...but she knows that I WILL follow through. I do know that the more upset I get, the less control I have.
Tonight I was stern, gave her a warning after a peepee false alarm at bedtime...and she has been good ever since. MUCH better than last night...but then again she was SUPER overtired last night after a ong day out with her aunt.
Honestly, every time I think I have it figured out, they throw you a new loop...
Message edited 7/17/2009 8:50:14 PM.
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| Posted 7/17/09 8:49 PM |
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annie
This is how I play basketball!
Member since 6/05 1980 total posts
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Stephanie
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
My daughter (almost 3) is very similar. I was at my wit's end & desperate for a different method to deal with her stubborness. This book has really changed the way I deal with her stubborn behavior. I highly recommend it. I speak to my daughter differently now because of it. It does advocate time-outs for certain situations but offers other methods to get your child to make the right decision each time, rather than doing the opposite of what you want. In a nutshell, for many situations, he says to offer your child two options (continue the bad behavior & suffer an unpleasant consequence or do the right thing and keep the privelege), for example (one I use a lot): "You can bang your spoon against the table and I can take it away, OR you can eat eat with it nicely and keep your spoon, which would you like to do?" She makes the right decision almost every time now that I've been doing it for awhile. Of course, the follow-through is super important- I have to take it away if she bangs even one more time. He says it empowers the child to make decisions about their own behavior, teaches them proper behavior for the future, and treats the child with respect. I could go on & on, the point is, it has worked for us. I have seen a change in DD's behavior since I've incorporated these methods on a consistent basis. I'm grateful for it.
Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie
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| Posted 7/17/09 9:43 PM |
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wjb5707
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/07 788 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by annie
My daughter (almost 3) is very similar. I was at my wit's end & desperate for a different method to deal with her stubborness. This book has really changed the way I deal with her stubborn behavior. I highly recommend it. I speak to my daughter differently now because of it. It does advocate time-outs for certain situations but offers other methods to get your child to make the right decision each time, rather than doing the opposite of what you want. In a nutshell, for many situations, he says to offer your child two options (continue the bad behavior & suffer an unpleasant consequence or do the right thing and keep the privelege), for example (one I use a lot): "You can bang your spoon against the table and I can take it away, OR you can eat eat with it nicely and keep your spoon, which would you like to do?" She makes the right decision almost every time now that I've been doing it for awhile. Of course, the follow-through is super important- I have to take it away if she bangs even one more time. He says it empowers the child to make decisions about their own behavior, teaches them proper behavior for the future, and treats the child with respect. I could go on & on, the point is, it has worked for us. I have seen a change in DD's behavior since I've incorporated these methods on a consistent basis. I'm grateful for it.
Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie
I am really trying to use this approach with DS, he is a very strong minded, busy, determined 2 year old and as everyone else has stated the typical time-outs do not work. I'm hoping that being more consistent will help my DS especially when we are in social (family) situations.
Thanks for the input and recommendation.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:09 PM |
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Mommy2Boys
My Boys!!!!
Member since 6/06 14437 total posts
Name:
C
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
DS is EXTREMELY strong-willed, stubborn and thick-headed...kind of like me my mom says
We are still trying to figure out what the best way to deal with it is. Right now we are working on him cleaning up his toys after he is done playing. We have tried time out, taking sometihng away, forcing him, pretty much everything but if he doesnt want to do it, he is not going to do it. Today he was playing with his blocks and was done. I told him he had to put them back in the bag before he played with something else. He flat out refused. I told him if he doesnt pick up the blocks I am turning off his cartoons. He said "oh, good idea mommy" and still proceeded to ignore me. He actually had to blocks in his hands and I put the bag right under his hands...all he had to do was drop them in...and he still refused He was screaming "no".
He is definetely testing us and his boundaries. We just have to be consistant and try to figure out what works.
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| Posted 7/18/09 9:16 PM |
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waytogo
Balancing act on a highwire
Member since 5/05 1292 total posts
Name:
a
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
I have a strong-willed DS with a killer memory to boot. He remembers stuff days later and brings it up again. Frustrating.
I have 2 approaches.
Ignore what he's saying and talk about something else. Only reward the good stuff. This doesn't work a lot but if he doesn't feel it's important he gives up. But with a good memory he brings it up the same time the following day.
The second is give him options and bargaining. If mommy puts you to bed, then daddy takes you to school OR daddy puts you to bed then mommy takes you to school. or If you want to watch that TV show, you take a bath after or you can keep playing. He feels in control and picks one every time.
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| Posted 7/19/09 12:11 AM |
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dawnygirl25
Growing up soo fast..
Member since 1/06 14917 total posts
Name:
Dawn
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by annie
My daughter (almost 3) is very similar. I was at my wit's end & desperate for a different method to deal with her stubborness. This book has really changed the way I deal with her stubborn behavior. I highly recommend it. I speak to my daughter differently now because of it. It does advocate time-outs for certain situations but offers other methods to get your child to make the right decision each time, rather than doing the opposite of what you want. In a nutshell, for many situations, he says to offer your child two options (continue the bad behavior & suffer an unpleasant consequence or do the right thing and keep the privelege), for example (one I use a lot): "You can bang your spoon against the table and I can take it away, OR you can eat eat with it nicely and keep your spoon, which would you like to do?" She makes the right decision almost every time now that I've been doing it for awhile. Of course, the follow-through is super important- I have to take it away if she bangs even one more time. He says it empowers the child to make decisions about their own behavior, teaches them proper behavior for the future, and treats the child with respect. I could go on & on, the point is, it has worked for us. I have seen a change in DD's behavior since I've incorporated these methods on a consistent basis. I'm grateful for it.
Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie
thank you for posting this..Im gonna read it for some new ideas.
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| Posted 7/19/09 7:43 AM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by annie
My daughter (almost 3) is very similar. I was at my wit's end & desperate for a different method to deal with her stubborness. This book has really changed the way I deal with her stubborn behavior. I highly recommend it. I speak to my daughter differently now because of it. It does advocate time-outs for certain situations but offers other methods to get your child to make the right decision each time, rather than doing the opposite of what you want. In a nutshell, for many situations, he says to offer your child two options (continue the bad behavior & suffer an unpleasant consequence or do the right thing and keep the privelege), for example (one I use a lot): "You can bang your spoon against the table and I can take it away, OR you can eat eat with it nicely and keep your spoon, which would you like to do?" She makes the right decision almost every time now that I've been doing it for awhile. Of course, the follow-through is super important- I have to take it away if she bangs even one more time. He says it empowers the child to make decisions about their own behavior, teaches them proper behavior for the future, and treats the child with respect. I could go on & on, the point is, it has worked for us. I have seen a change in DD's behavior since I've incorporated these methods on a consistent basis. I'm grateful for it.
Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie
BTDT... doesn't work... for us at least. Every book I've ever read, every website I've been to, every professional I've talked to, they all deal with DC who aren't anywhere near as stubborn and strong-willed as apparently some of our DC are. I've followed every technique to a T, tried variations on them, etc, etc. The only thing that "worked" is that DC eventually got older, and fell into some of the techniques suggested by some of the books.
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| Posted 7/19/09 6:48 PM |
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july0105
My three little miracles
Member since 4/06 2628 total posts
Name:
Alison
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that this everyone's responses are so interesting and helpful.
To the OP... I hope you find what works for your family.
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| Posted 7/19/09 7:21 PM |
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stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!
Member since 4/06 3164 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by annie
My daughter (almost 3) is very similar. I was at my wit's end & desperate for a different method to deal with her stubborness. This book has really changed the way I deal with her stubborn behavior. I highly recommend it. I speak to my daughter differently now because of it. It does advocate time-outs for certain situations but offers other methods to get your child to make the right decision each time, rather than doing the opposite of what you want. In a nutshell, for many situations, he says to offer your child two options (continue the bad behavior & suffer an unpleasant consequence or do the right thing and keep the privelege), for example (one I use a lot): "You can bang your spoon against the table and I can take it away, OR you can eat eat with it nicely and keep your spoon, which would you like to do?" She makes the right decision almost every time now that I've been doing it for awhile. Of course, the follow-through is super important- I have to take it away if she bangs even one more time. He says it empowers the child to make decisions about their own behavior, teaches them proper behavior for the future, and treats the child with respect. I could go on & on, the point is, it has worked for us. I have seen a change in DD's behavior since I've incorporated these methods on a consistent basis. I'm grateful for it.
Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKenzie
Thanks for the suggestion! I'll definately check it out!
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| Posted 7/19/09 7:40 PM |
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MrsGmomof3
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Member since 6/08 3290 total posts
Name:
Irrelevant
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
No advice here.... time outs have never worked in my house
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| Posted 7/19/09 7:57 PM |
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LoveBeingMrsT
Love my Boys!
Member since 12/05 4648 total posts
Name:
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Re: Advice on disciplining a strong-willed toddler
Posted by GoldenRod
Posted by Bxgell2
However, what is most effective is to identify her most prized possession, and use that as leverage.
The tricky part is when DC has NO "prized possession". DS would rather have any punishment we could think of instead of giving in. We could not identify a single prized possession that we could leverage with at that age. Everything that he seemed to enjoy, he would gladly give up instead of just following direction.
We were very consistent, and never made idle threats, but he was more stubborn than any book even came close to addressing. Even school and independent psychologists couldn't find a way to crack him.
sounds like you're describing my 2 yr old ds . he loves water balloons and i can throw them in the garbage 1 by 1 and he still acts out purposely to loose one.
tonight i gave him a meal he loves and he was hungry but he's gotten into a routine with battling us at dinner time. i give him choices, explain consiquences (he gets it), bargain, threaten, time-out, & praise good behavior (but this sometimes back-fires b/c then he will start doing what he shouldn't). ignoring bad behavior does not work at meal times b/c he will wreck the kitchen and not eat. i won't bore you with the million things he shouldn't have done but the main thing was throwing his food & utensils. i threw a bunch of balloons in the garbage but he continued to act out. i'd say do you want to loose bath toys? he'd say "YES!" or i'd say do you want me to throw your water balloons away? he'd say "YES" (with tears in his eyes) and then say "throw them in the garbage mommy" and he'd throw a piece of food so that i would.
he lost about 10 balloons & did not get any bath toys (both of which he loves)but tomorrow will be the same thing. i'm at my wits end.
ok sorry vent over...
one thing i have been doing that sorta works for now b/c it's a new way of doing something is if he's acting out or not playing nicely with a toy, i give him a warning and then i give the TOY a time out and he looses it for 2 minutes. it works better than timing him out.
Message edited 7/20/2009 12:15:17 AM.
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| Posted 7/20/09 12:09 AM |
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