Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Please don't quote, I will probably delete this!!!!! Sorry its so long ...

When we found out we are expecting, we told our immediate family (parents & siblings only) within the first week. Our reasoning was that if something were to go wrong, we would want their support.

We also told my best friend so that I'd have someone to call with "stupid preggo" questions (as I refer to them!). She is the only person that even knew we were TTC.

Everyone else we planned to wait until the end of the first trimester. We are both pretty superstitious and private people and didn't want the world to know until we were ready to share.

When we told our parents & siblings we made sure to tell them that we weren't spreading the news yet since it was so early. My parents knew at 4w2d and DH's parents knew at 5w. Sooooo very early, but that was OUR decision to make!!!!

I am 8w4d now, and found out that MIL told a friend of hers right away. This is a person that I have never met or spoken to or had any kind of contact with- and DH & I have been together for 10 years.

This woman lives on the other side of the country. She did not come to our engagement party, my bridal shower or our wedding. She may have sent a wedding gift, to be honest I don't remember. MIL hasn't even seen her in more than 10 years!

There are so many people I feel like I would want to know before this woman. My own Grandmother (our only living Grandparent between the 2 of us) doesn't even know yet. I have a huge family with lots of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins that I am very close to ... none of them know anything!

I made DH call MIL last night to make sure she isn't telling anyone else. Her excuses were:

1) She says DH only told her to "keep it on the down low" so she figured that meant not to tell anyone locally.

2) When she was pregnant with DH's younger brother, she told this woman within 8 days of finding out.

3) This woman is like a "sister" to her since she doesn't have any actual sisters.

So ... am I crazy hormonal preggo witch or do I have a right to be upset that this woman who is a STRANGER to me knows?!

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

It definitly a little upsetting, but luckily this woman doesn't live anywhere near you or whoever else you plan to tell.
If she did, I think I would be more upset.
Hopefully your DH let your MIL know how serious you guys are about this.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

im not going to tell you how to feel... just how i would fee... I would be more upset if she told someone that might possibly spread the news to other people i knew...

the fact that she told someone who is basically a stranger to me wouldnt bother me

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I dont think it would bother me-- honestly she was probably just soooo excited for you guys and knew she couldnt talk about it with anyone locally so thats why she told her!!

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I understand that you are upset, and I would be a little too. But it could have been much much worse. I'm sure now MIL knows to keep her mouth shut and as long as she doesn't tell everyone locally, your secret should be safe.

Hang in there! This is the first of many secrets your/DH's parents will not be able to keep about the baby! (Speaking from experience )

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

i think you have a right to be upset, but at least it was someone you have no connection to. how exactly did you find out that this woman knew? if i was mil, i would never have admitted to telling anyone if that was who you found out from!

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

i was in a similar situation. i rolled my eyes when i found out that MIL texted like ALL of her friends the day we told her (about 5w) and said "im gonna be a grandma." and she knew my history of m/c and having to do IVF to get preg. to be honest though, i wasnt really mad. im pretty laid back though so while i was slightly annoyed and did this several times, i was over it pretty quick.

im sorry it upset you so much but i agree with others - as long as it cant get back to people YOU want to tell personally, i wouldnt really let it bother you that much.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I would be upset that she told someone but at least it's not someone who is going to share the news with people you know so you still get to do that.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I would be very upset too -- she should not have shared. At least she told someone very detached from you and anyone you know - even if it was wrong it is better than her slipping and telling someone else.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Similar situation..
We told our parents within a week of us finding out because they knew what we'd been going through to get pregnant (2 years of IF) and we were just so happy to tell them the news.
I explicitly told both my parents not to tell ANYONE until we told them they could (we were figuring closer to 12 weeks) and explained the reasoning behind it (you never know what could happen etc)

well, my mom let it slip within a week that she had told her best friends, and that my dad had told his family in England.
Initially i was mad at her, but then i realized that she was just so happy for us and since everyone that they had told was in Boston or England.. it didn't really have any impact on who DH and I were going to tell ourselves.

I understand your frustration, but don't let it take away from the joy of you and DH telling who YOU want to tell WHEN you want to tell them. Especially because you don't even know the person your MIL told and she doesn't live anywhere near you so won't have any impact on your life

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I wouldn't be overly upset, but then again, if it were my MIL, i'd be pretty angered.

but yeah, have DH make sure she doesn't tell anyone else that you don't want knowing.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

This makes my blood boil ! I was SHOCKED when I got resistance from both my mom and MIL after we told them to keep in a secret until at least 12 weeks. I couldn't believe they would want to tell people after we expressed that we didn't want anyone else knowing that early. Here I thought we wouldn't even need to ask them not to tell people (isn't that obvious? I guess not!), they should realize that's not their info to make public. My mom even went so far as to say "Well it's MY grandchild, I can tell who I want!" Um, NO. God forbid we lost the baby, it's MY miscarriage that I don't want the world knowing about, hello!!!

I just can't get over people taking it upon themselves to pass this info along, ESPECIALLY after being told not to!!! I don't care how excited you are, it's NOT your place, grandparent or not. *end rant*

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

i would be upset that she told anyone after we specifically said not to. However, I would let it go bc it isn't someone that will spread the news to anyone else. She was probably just so excited and had to tell someone and figured this was a safe person to tell.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Posted by Sparrow

This makes my blood boil ! I was SHOCKED when I got resistance from both my mom and MIL after we told them to keep in a secret until at least 12 weeks. I couldn't believe they would want to tell people after we expressed that we didn't want anyone else knowing that early. Here I thought we wouldn't even need to ask them not to tell people (isn't that obvious? I guess not!), they should realize that's not their info to make public. My mom even went so far as to say "Well it's MY grandchild, I can tell who I want!" Um, NO. God forbid we lost the baby, it's MY miscarriage that I don't want the world knowing about, hello!!!

I just can't get over people taking it upon themselves to pass this info along, ESPECIALLY after being told not to!!! I don't care how excited you are, it's NOT your place, grandparent or not. *end rant*

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I don't think you're wrong to feel how you feel, but I think she told a "safe" person. I'm not originally from LI, so if one of my BFFs from college or home tells me something exciting, I sometimes tell a close friend here. They don't care, but I'm so excited I will burst, and of course it doesn't seem to impact either's life.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Personally I would be a little annoyed. When we found out about our first pregnancy in November, we only told immediate family (at about 6 weeks) and I ended up having a m/c so I'm glad word didn't get out although I did end up telling more people about the m/c than the original pregnancy (I guess it was therapeutic for me to talk about it)...

Now I am pregnant again (7 weeks) and we have a heartbeat... I have only told my mother, sister and best friend, DH's family doesn't even know yet but we will tell his parents soon. I am so gun-shy about another loss I didn't want to tell too many people this time.

Since its OUR news I really feel like we are the only people who have a right to spread it until we tell everyone otherwise. You never know what can happen and it sucks having to tell everyone about a m/c when you first find out...

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Personally... considering she is someone you don't know and lives far far away I probably wouldn't mind as much. it's not like this woman can even go blabbing her mouth to others that you do actually know.

IF MIL HAD to tell someone... this woman was her safest bet.

I would just let this one go. What's done is done and there's no use getting all worked up after the fact when you can't go back and change things. It's also the best case scenario if MIL had to tell someone. If she told others that you do know here and went blabbing to everyone, that would be a little different IMO.

That's just how I would feel about it though.

Message edited 3/16/2011 4:20:59 PM.

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I would be upset for sure...its not her place to tell anyone...I am glad DH called her!

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

I agree she probably just needed to TELL SOMEONE and figured someone that you never met and lives so far away was safest. I dont think she had malicious intent!

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

While you said you weren't telling anyone she probably really wanted to share the news with someone. So she figured the person furthest removed from the situation would be the way to go so it would have no chance of coming back.

I personally wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Trust me, in the next 9 months there will be plenty to get pizzed off at

Re: Am I wrong to be a little upset? A bit of a vent.

Thanks everyone!

I truly appreciate the support to know that there is some validity to my feelings about this.

I also truly appreciate those who "talked me down" ... I know there are bigger things to worry about, and many more issues that will come up in the remaining months.

Its a good lesson in picking battles I guess