Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

So everyone knows I am a SAHM. I hardly get any break which I can admit, is really getting to me. Megan is ALWAYS on the go, she never rests and is extremely high spirited. So I have been known to tell my dh that I need a break, that I need to be "a person," that I need some "me" time. Last night in the heat of an arguement he told me that I hate being a mother and that no mother who loved her child would complain about being home with them. WTH?????????? I dont complain about being home with her, I complain that he never gives me any time to myself, I complain because I lost all of me when she was born and he lost nothing and I complain because NOTHING I do is recognized by him, its just expected!

Now he has me feeling SO GUILTY for ever opening my mouth. But is it realistic to just be totally happy being a mom day in and day out with no "Noreen" time whatsoever? And does it make me a bad mom to voice my feelings every now and then?? I am SO MAD at him for saying those words to me..my life centers around my daughter (unlike his) and I cant believe those words came out of his mouth. Do you think its wrong to feel the way I feel? Do you think that constitutes saying that I dont like being a mother??

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

You have every right to be livid and upset

Just because we're mom's doesn't mean we give up on the rest of our life...I think if he was home all day w/DC he would be feeling different....he probably doesn't understand and said the wrong thing at the wrong time....

Maybe he'll feel badly and apologize

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

No...you're not wrong AT ALL!
He's wrong and never should have said that to you.
He owes you a HUGE apology!

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Umm NO way are you a bad Mom!! I give SAHMs so much credit...it's a non-stop job 24/7. At least working moms (like me) get a lunch break and even some down time on the commute to and from work. And you are not wrong for saying something...I would be pizzed at DH if he said that to me.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

you are not even close to wrong.... i said that to dave a few times in the beginning (i was home for 4 months) - i told him - i feel like my life has changed 100% and yours hasn't changed at all. i was the one not sleeping, i was the one doing it all....

maybe when you have both calmed down - sit down and talk to him about how that felt. be honest, explain how your entire day goes...etc..

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I am a fulltime working mom and I think you 100% CORRECT in feeling like you need "me" time! Your DH is seriously in the wrong and hopefully he just said that in the heat of the moment and didn't really mean it. Ask him to take two weeks off from work and switch schedules and see how he deals with it. Being a SAHM is the hardest thing the world, you DESERVE time to yourself!

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Thats the thing. He has furlough time coming up. I said for one week straight I am going to let him do it all. That means, no prepping from me, no telling him what comes next, no intervening when she throws a tantrum...nothing! He says..Fine, I'll do it..no problem at all. Its unreal...I dont need to hear credit from him at all but recognition every now and then wouldnt hurt either. I feel worthless and so much of it comes from him.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I believe if men had to go through what women did, they wouldn't say HALF the $hit they say........

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I don't think you are wrong at all. That was very mean of him to say and he never should have said it. But, I will say I've basically given up "me" time and don't expect it back anytime soon. There really isnt any time for it, so I've just accepted that. I work ft, and when Im not working, Im taking care of the baby and playing with her. I figure I'll get it back down the road.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Dh has said the same thing to me before also ! Although I am not quite a SAHM ,I am home all day and got to work at 9pm-2am ! I have the same problem though ! When DH gets home from work relaxes for an 1hr or 2 then gets in the shower blah blah blah ,but when I try to explain to him I am exhausted and I need a break b/c Eva is soooooooo bad ...I am just complaining He then proceeds to say I am very lucky I don't have to work during the day ,not many people have it as good as me ! What that has to do w/ anything is beyond me ,I just want an ***** break ( a mental break)

Dont feel guilty ....I dont think they know how tough it is to have to deal w/kids 24/7 and not being able to even go to the bathroom in peace

I remember yrs ago Oprah had a show where the husbands and wives switched places for a week ,and after that week was over the husbands had a greater apprecitation for the wives ,and what we go through on a daily basis !

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

In talking with other moms, I don't think he will get it, even if he has to do everything for a short time. I know with me, I have NO time to myself at home with DS. If I go to the bathroom, he follows me in or is banging on the door. If I am in another room, he comes in, takes my hand and brings me to where he wants me to be with him. He hangs on me much more than he does on DH. He cries if I go outside without him to get something from the car, the mail or the newspaper. So even when I leave the house for my "me" time, it's not the same for DH as it is for me.

It's important for you to get some time alone, though. I was a SAHM for a year and very early on, I would go out for 3-4 hours on Saturday mornings, even if it was to do laundry. The fact that I was alone and could read a book or just sit and relax with a cup of coffee for a short while was a big deal. You need a little break once in a while.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

You are not wrong at all. I would also be livid.

All I have to say is good luck to your DH on his furlough.

Hopefully once he gets a taste of what you do every day, he will realize how much you give of yourself every single day.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

i do not think you are wrong for being upset. nor are you wrong of feeling that you need a break.

its hard for the workign spouce to fully understand everythign it takes to be home. its a lot of work.

also know its a lot of pressure for one person to be financially responsible for a family and your dh is preobally stresed and tired too.

i work pt from home and then i have another job pt time out of the home ( it will end in dec and i will be home full time withy my twins). sometimes after feeding and playing and running around etc i am too tired to do house maintanence. dh said somethignto me rudly a few times. i explained my job is to take care of the children not the house. and its a lot of work and if he comes to a home that is not messier then he left i did a ton and i dont want to hear his complaints ever again. i havent.
he was just workgin a lot and was tired and was a new parent and didnt really mean what he said.

i know after my dh has a long day at the office i still expect him to help out and do house work-- but i know when i work a long day inthe office i am in no mood to deal witht that stuff when i get home... as hard as it is i thikn you
both need to remember that the other one doesnt have it "easier" just differnt.

i dont know your husband but i would think he didnt really truly mean what he said. i have said mean things to my dh that i didnt really believe when i was annoyed about other things. it happens.

maybe you can work out with him or a relative or a friend or a babysitter that you get a few hours a week. even if its just a short break. we all need it. of course it doenst mean you dont love beignhome or love your child. it means you are a person too and sometimes you too need a break. i just took my twins on a cruise. they are 15 mos. it was fun but it was certaintly not a vacation for me and my dh did more of the child care than i did. its not easy but you deserve a child free trip to the grocery store at the very least, maybe a manicure or something.

maybe tonight after you have both had time to calm down you can schedule somt time just the two of you. even if it means staying home after Megan is sleeping and watchign a movie. its imortant to still be a couple. its so ahrd to remember that sometimes. i struggle with that too.

gl.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I want to smack him for you!

I went through this with DH. We had a HUGE talk a few weeks ago, because I told him I was going to kill someone. I was so maxed out on EVERYTHING I just couldn't breathe. I told him, I need time for me. I need to talk to an adult and need a break. I really thought I was going to loose it. So, now on weekends I go do ME! Wether, the get my nails done, browse the stores or even go to CVS. I know its pathetic, but Its MY sanity. I go sit by the water and just watch it. He should be ashamed of himslef, and I would not go rush to speak to him anytime soon. Sometime the shiit just falls out of them. Its like gas. But with words!!!

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I don't think you are wrong AT ALL to feel upset I think it comes down to how a lot of us feel, we are thankful to be home with our DC everyday, granted it is a lot of work, but we still deserve time to ourselves just like everyone else. Its like when DH takes a day off, in his mind it means he gets to sleep in, do what he wants, etc. I have to remind him that I would like to schedule a day off as well, they forget bc they are used to us doing everything. I also think in this day and age we live in a society where we are told to be very thankful to be SAHMs and are pressured never to complain, kwim?? I am sorry he said such mean hurtful things to you

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I think this goes beyond this one fight into a lot more of the issues between you and your husband. He is trying to provide for you to stay home and not work and that could be a struggle for him. He might resent that you "complain" about being home while he is working so hard to have you a SAHM.

Of course every parent needs "no kid" time. Period. That is a given. It could be the way that you are presenting it and things said in the heat of an argument are not typically done to make anyone feel good about themselves. He said it so you would feel bad. He knew that using it would hurt you and make you feel bad- and it did.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

NO way are you wrong. I feel like that all the time.
I am lucky because DH does understand. If he said what your DH said I would be extremely upset as well.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Once again, you sound JUST like me. I dont feel like a human most days, without a tad bit of me time. My DH doesn't understand what that feels like so he is less than sympathetic and has said plenty of unsupportive things to me such as "didnt you know it would be like this?"

You have every right to vent to your DH, when he is the only one who can truly give you a break. Too bad for him!!! They dont get it, b/c its too easy for them to continue to be themselves since they DO get breaks from their DC.

Dont feel bad and he is wrong and just clueless to say that. These men have no concept of empathy...they would have to be in our shoes to fully understand.

Message edited 3/25/2010 10:39:05 PM.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Posted by nycchic24

Thats the thing. He has furlough time coming up. I said for one week straight I am going to let him do it all. That means, no prepping from me, no telling him what comes next, no intervening when she throws a tantrum...nothing! He says..Fine, I'll do it..no problem at all. Its unreal...I dont need to hear credit from him at all but recognition every now and then wouldnt hurt either. I feel worthless and so much of it comes from him.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

I'd be fuming. I expect a break every day and I adore my children. I need time to regroup and prepare for the next day. Sorry but your DH needs to get a clue about how hard being a mother is 24/7 non stop.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Posted by Mssissy

No...you're not wrong AT ALL!
He's wrong and never should have said that to you.
He owes you a HUGE apology!

Message edited 10/9/2009 3:27:53 PM.

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

You are 1000 percent right!!! I always say that to DH, that I need ME time... I would give your DH an ear full!!!

Re: Am I wrong to be livid and upset??

Are our DH's related???

You are absolutely, 1000% NOT WRONG!

DH and I got into a huge fight the other night. Yes, the house is a little messy, but it's getting increasingly harder to keep up with things as DS becomes more mobile, and more needy for attention, playtime, etc. After DS goes to bed, I have to wash bottles, shower, pump, and hopefully sleep by 12-1230am.

So the other night he tells me that he doesn't understand when I can't clean since I do nothing all day. I was so mad, I swear I wanted to hurt him lol. I guess since I stay home, he thinks I lie around on my a$$ all day watching soaps while DS plays or something. No matter how many times I tell him how rough my days are, how little time I have, and how much I need a break, he doesn't get it..he doesn't understand, and he isn't sympathetic. He comes home, plays with DS for a little bit, then complains he's tired, plays some video games so he can "relax", takes a shower and goes to bed. I understand he works and bring homes the $$, but I work too. Motherhood is 24/7, no vacays, no sickdays, no breaks.

I guess it's a man thing. I totally sympathize with you.