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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name: remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
sorry I am computer challenged today!
Message edited 6/3/2011 2:48:30 PM.
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Posted 6/3/11 2:46 PM |
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Bella01
LIF Adult
Member since 5/11 3708 total posts
Name: Mama
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I don't want to leave her because I work full-time and I am away from her as it is. With that being said, if I do want to go somewhere with friends, dinner, spa whatever...I don't mind leaving her for a couple of hours. I rarely do it but I have no problem leaving her if I had to.
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Posted 6/3/11 2:48 PM |
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lynnd126
LIF Adult
Member since 3/11 2630 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by lynnd126
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I don't think it's healthy for your DC to be the absolute CENTER of your every moment. We do tons of great stuff together but DH and I remember that OUR RELATIONSHIP is the glue that made this family and will keep it together. Subsequently our individual selves make up that relationship and so if I need to take 3 hours to unwind at a spa or have a few drinks at a shower then to me it is all for the best.
please don't take this the wrong way but I just have to say that this is JUST as inflammatory a statement as it is to "imply" that someone doesn't enjoy their child if they DONT spend all the time.
who are we to judge the "health" of any other relationship b/c they chose to dine or not to dine with their children. b/c they chose to take them to parties or to get a break and leave them with a sitter.
it's an unfair double standard.
and I am not flaming you or picking on you. others have expressed similar views on other threads today so it's not just you.
Sorry- didn't mean to nflame. Maybe I should qualify that with saying I don't think it's healthy for MY relationship b/c that's easier for people to not take personally. Anyway, just to clarify- I don't think either EXTREME is good or again I'll say "healthy" though I'm not an expert.
For me, it is ideal to have some time centered around dc, some time centered around you and dh, and some for only yourself. My ds definitely gets the "most" time since that's what it seems is needed at this stage of his life.
I also think it might be different as a SAHM. I've been a FTWM (working 60+ hrs a week) in the past and it was different. I wanted to make the most of the time I did have with him but sometimes I wanted to do something for myself and then I would feel guilty about leaving him with MIL when it was my "only time". Very hard balance.
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Posted 6/3/11 2:52 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name: Gina
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by curliegirl
Really?
One seems to making a generalization that I don't want to EVER spend time with my kids, and the other I am agreeing that Parents DO need adult time to themselves.....the first being a sweeping generalization and the other a rational well thought out statement.
that's b/c you AGREE with the latter.
I see them both as generalizations. one implied and the other overt.
ETA: you called one poster out for overgeneralizing yet agreed with another.
Honestly, it is NOT because I agree with the latter..... I asked why people don't like to go places without their children and one person replied that she couldn't understand why people have children if they don't EVER want to go out with them. And the second statement was well worded and not overgeneralizing AT ALL. She agreed that adult time was necessary....she never said that you should have children and leave them home all the time.....
Maybe it's just because one was worded better than the other, because I respect the differing opinions just as much as the ones I agree with.....IF it is written without bias or stinging accusations or implications. We are all definitely capable of writing without offending....
Message edited 6/3/2011 2:58:56 PM.
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Posted 6/3/11 2:54 PM |
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alisha
LIF Adult
Member since 3/07 1199 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
When I was nursing, I needed to have DD with me all.the.time. And I enjoyed every second b/c she was an infant and needed her mommy.
Now that she is older (19 months) we leave her with my parents overnight every few weeks or so for a date night (which I think is important for our marriage to have time alone).
But generally speaking, I love taking her everywhere with me. I enjoy looking at the world through her eyes and exposing her to new experiences. She is also a good baby - if I had a crier, I might think differently!
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Posted 6/3/11 2:55 PM |
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hdrd0411
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 1923 total posts
Name: Maureen
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I leave my child for weddings, and date nights, etc. However, I don't think it is nescessary for us to leave our children overnight with anyone - they are 3 & 1. I have left them for 2 nights when DH & I went skiing, but it's not something I wanted to do. I am a working mom, and I like to spend time with my kids....since I am gone most of the day. Vacations would always include my kids, but the vacation resort always includes camp for them..so we get a break too.
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Posted 6/3/11 2:56 PM |
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Tine73
Member since 3/06 22093 total posts
Name: *********
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
I am with you- I honestly don't understand it either- I think it is healthy for you and for your kids to be away from each other. I leave the baby with my husband, sister, mom, mil- it gives me a chance to enjoy adult time and gives them the opportunity to build a bond with him
ITA... Even when I was a FTWM, I still needed "me" time (manicures, shopping,etc...)and alone time with DH. We have gone on vacation with out them (Aruba, London, etc....) and it was awesome. Did I miss them, yes? But it was great having a little freedom and awesome for my parents at the time to do some bonding.
Since my Dad passed away, my mom can't physically handle taking care of 2 kids y herself so things have definitely changed due to the lack of babysitters.
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Posted 6/3/11 2:58 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name: remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
wait, who said that they NEVER EVER go anywhere without their child?
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Posted 6/3/11 2:59 PM |
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lynnd126
LIF Adult
Member since 3/11 2630 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Xelindrya
she is the complete and utter CENTER of my life and our lives and she IS the glue that holds this relationship together.
I'm not trying to be snarky- I just don't relate to that. Our ds is a huge part of our world and we would both lay down and die for him- but I see our relationship on two different levels. On one wonderful new level we are mom and dad but on the other level we are best friends and lovers- and that is outside of ds (obviously the two get intertwined in certain ways at certain times). I know ds is our "present" as you explained but I guess I just don't see the addition of the present excluding the past. Maybe I'm the minority but that's just how I see it- for us.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:00 PM |
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Bella01
LIF Adult
Member since 5/11 3708 total posts
Name: Mama
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by lynnd126
Posted by Xelindrya
she is the complete and utter CENTER of my life and our lives and she IS the glue that holds this relationship together.
I'm not trying to be snarky- I just don't relate to that. Our ds is a huge part of our world and we would both lay down and die for him- but I see our relationship on two different levels. On one wonderful new level we are mom and dad but on the other level we are best friends and lovers- and that is outside of ds (obviously the two get intertwined in certain ways at certain times). I know ds is our "present" as you explained but I guess I just don't see the addition of the present excluding the past. Maybe I'm the minority but that's just how I see it- for us.
ITA with this.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:03 PM |
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DSLaff
Team One of Each
Member since 10/09 2150 total posts
Name: Dana
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I am a new mom ds is 7 months old and I have a very happy baby who never cries , I work full time , 60 hours a week out of house so NO I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING without my ds right now, will I if I HAVE TO ...yes but I HAVE NO DESIRE to ever be without him if its my choice.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:04 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name: Gina
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Ophelia
wait, who said that they NEVER EVER go anywhere without their child?
Go back and reread the post......it's all in the way you say things.....
I know people that could make me believe the sky was purple just by the way they say it....and others who need to realize the things that come out of their mouth are just plain offensive...whether they mean it or not.....
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Posted 6/3/11 3:06 PM |
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ReiRei13
Life is Good!!
Member since 1/08 6460 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by dita
I'm a FTWM so I try to plan things that will include DS because I feel like I don't see him enough. However I wouldn't want to take him to a wedding or shower because I feel those are adult things and it would be distracting to bring him. I can't imagine going on vacation without him though.
My thoughts and feelings exactly!!
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Posted 6/3/11 3:09 PM |
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td123
LIF Infant
Member since 3/10 294 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by DSLaff
I am a new mom ds is 7 months old and I have a very happy baby who never cries , I work full time , 60 hours a week out of house so NO I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING without my ds right now, will I if I HAVE TO ...yes but I HAVE NO DESIRE to ever be without him if its my choice.
In total agreement!
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Posted 6/3/11 3:10 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name: Mama Cranky
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Ophelia
wait, who said that they NEVER EVER go anywhere without their child?
Kangamom-I think. In the other thread.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:13 PM |
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hunnybunnyxoxo
this is what it's all about
Member since 11/07 3321 total posts
Name: Lisa
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
FTWM here! DD is such an absolute joy to be around. i rarely go anywhere without her- well actually there is one thing i prefer to do without her and thats food shopping!
anyhow, bc i work full time and get limited time with her during the week, i feel like time away from her on the weekends is torture for me! hence why i hate going to events without her.
i prefer to bring her to events like showers and weddings especially b.c she is so well behaved but clearly, if she is not invited, i will have a family member watch her. we as a family have such a great time with her however, if she was a disruptive child,then maybe i would prefer to go to functions without her
i am extremely anal and selective about doing things that imped on my time with dd. i know dh and i desperately need a date night! we've been so busy lately esp with a new house but we will get around to it! hopefully sooner than later!
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Posted 6/3/11 3:14 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name: remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by curliegirl
Posted by Ophelia
wait, who said that they NEVER EVER go anywhere without their child?
Go back and reread the post......it's all in the way you say things.....
I know people that could make me believe the sky was purple just by the way they say it....and others who need to realize the things that come out of their mouth are just plain offensive...whether they mean it or not.....
no, I meant your OP. b/c I realized you were asking those who NEVER want to go out without their kids, and I think most people have had a more mid-way answer than what your question lended to.
but beside that, you don't think that reading someone say that their views are "not healthy" could potentially be offensive???? THAT is what I mean by double standard.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:16 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name: Ginger
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by lynnd126
Posted by Xelindrya
she is the complete and utter CENTER of my life and our lives and she IS the glue that holds this relationship together.
I'm not trying to be snarky- I just don't relate to that. Our ds is a huge part of our world and we would both lay down and die for him- but I see our relationship on two different levels. On one wonderful new level we are mom and dad but on the other level we are best friends and lovers- and that is outside of ds (obviously the two get intertwined in certain ways at certain times). I know ds is our "present" as you explained but I guess I just don't see the addition of the present excluding the past. Maybe I'm the minority but that's just how I see it- for us.
ITA with you.
I have heard before and do believe that the order should be: Yourself Your spouse Your kids This does not mean that you don't take care of your children in the proper way BUT you need to take care of yourself first. Your husband was there before and will be there after BUT that does NOT mean that relationship should be pushed aside for 18 years. There definately will NOT be a relationship after all that time if you do. Children do bond you BUT they also put a lot of stress on a marriage (especially as they get older). If you don't have that bond the entire time you are raising them, you won't have that when they leave.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:18 PM |
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jgl
Love my little boys!!!
Member since 8/07 7060 total posts
Name: g
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by curliegirl
For the people that want to bring their kids everywhere and never want to do things without them......
You said why people NEVER want to do things without their
I honestly wasnt trying to be rude. Im sorry it came out that way.
I was only saying the opposite of what you said and making a general statement to those who DO ALWAYS do things without their kids.
You dont get why people never do things without their kids. I dont get why people always do things without their kids. Why bother having kids then?
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Posted 6/3/11 3:18 PM |
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mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name: Anne
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I just really like being with my kid
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Posted 6/3/11 3:21 PM |
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Bella01
LIF Adult
Member since 5/11 3708 total posts
Name: Mama
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by lynnd126
Posted by Xelindrya
she is the complete and utter CENTER of my life and our lives and she IS the glue that holds this relationship together.
I'm not trying to be snarky- I just don't relate to that. Our ds is a huge part of our world and we would both lay down and die for him- but I see our relationship on two different levels. On one wonderful new level we are mom and dad but on the other level we are best friends and lovers- and that is outside of ds (obviously the two get intertwined in certain ways at certain times). I know ds is our "present" as you explained but I guess I just don't see the addition of the present excluding the past. Maybe I'm the minority but that's just how I see it- for us.
ITA with you.
I have heard before and do believe that the order should be: Yourself Your spouse Your kids This does not mean that you don't take care of your children in the proper way BUT you need to take care of yourself first. Your husband was there before and will be there after BUT that does NOT mean that relationship should be pushed aside for 18 years. There definately will NOT be a relationship after all that time if you do. Children do bond you BUT they also put a lot of stress on a marriage (especially as they get older). If you don't have that bond the entire time you are raising them, you won't have that when they leave.
I don't necessarily agree with this but that is just my opinion and I will leave it at that.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:22 PM |
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yankinmanc
Happy Days!
Member since 8/05 18208 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I wish I could spend LESS time with my children....but I have no one to look after them. So I have no choice but to take them everywhere!
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Posted 6/3/11 3:22 PM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name: Veronica
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
Posted by Bella0701
Posted by hazeleyes33
Posted by lynnd126
Posted by Xelindrya
she is the complete and utter CENTER of my life and our lives and she IS the glue that holds this relationship together.
I'm not trying to be snarky- I just don't relate to that. Our ds is a huge part of our world and we would both lay down and die for him- but I see our relationship on two different levels. On one wonderful new level we are mom and dad but on the other level we are best friends and lovers- and that is outside of ds (obviously the two get intertwined in certain ways at certain times). I know ds is our "present" as you explained but I guess I just don't see the addition of the present excluding the past. Maybe I'm the minority but that's just how I see it- for us.
ITA with you.
I have heard before and do believe that the order should be: Yourself Your spouse Your kids This does not mean that you don't take care of your children in the proper way BUT you need to take care of yourself first. Your husband was there before and will be there after BUT that does NOT mean that relationship should be pushed aside for 18 years. There definately will NOT be a relationship after all that time if you do. Children do bond you BUT they also put a lot of stress on a marriage (especially as they get older). If you don't have that bond the entire time you are raising them, you won't have that when they leave.
I don't necessarily agree with this but that is just my opinion and I will leave it at that.
meh to each their own *shrug*
But to be fair.. I said I spend time without her. As a matter of fact she's sort of moving out of our house in less than 5days to go live with my aunt for the summer. We will have her back on weekends. Yes, I've done stuff without her but I *WANT* her there all the time. Maybe my relationship with my husband is different than yours.
I repeat to each their own.
My own, is not me, him, then kids. Its me and her through and through. But that's because I'm the product of a divorced family, maybe. I love him and he's a great father but I don't and won't say that he comes before her.
Again we're not talking life choices. I mean jeez this was about vacations and going out and about. I don't see how that matters to who comes first in your life. Cause My dad outranks my hubby too, big deal. *shrug*
For me. AJ outranks everyone. Just is what it is (FOR NOW) I'm not naive enough to think it will be that way forever.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:28 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I don't know if I should even answer because I do go plenty of places with my kids & without them so it's really not directed toward me.
I think as a FTWM, I see my kids less than I'd like so 3 day weekends are all about family for me. I like taking them with me. I like having time to myself & couple time for me & DH.
However, I think it's healthier for a child to have time away from the parent & vice versa. As a BTDT, who has seen countess kids with separation anxiety in pre-school, kindergarten, hysterical sobbing in 1st grade & 2nd grade, I do think it's a disservice to your child to not expose them to other caregivers (whether it be daycare, aunts, uncles, grandparents).
Message edited 6/3/2011 3:32:32 PM.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:31 PM |
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4PsInaPod
My Loves <3
Member since 7/07 10079 total posts
Name: D
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Re: Can I ask a question? And this is honestly me not understanding so bear with me....
I think this is a very confusing topic
Everyone loves their children (on this board). How we choose to spend our time varies from person to person but it does not mean we don't care of our children any less or that we don't care for ourselves any less.
We ALL like me time. We ALL would not survive without a little time to ourselves, even if it's quick trip to Rite Aid, alone in the peace an quiet or an hour of zumba (for my example. not that I've gone recently) to make myself feel better.
Some of us CAN go on vacations, some of us NEED that in our relationship. Some of us CAN'T go on vacations without our children, some of us NEED that in their relationships.
Either way, i don't think any of us (on this board) neglect our children or can spend enough time with our children.
Everyone has a different balance in their lives.
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Posted 6/3/11 3:35 PM |
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