Gender Disappointment ?

So a close friend of mine (we literally talk on the phone 1-2 times a day) just found out she is having a second boy (her DS is alittle over 2). She is so upset as she really wanted a little girl. She had convinced herself it was one, so she is devastated. Her DH only wanted two and feels so bad by how upset she is, he is even willing to possibly try for #3 (she wants to gender selection if they do as she had to go throgh IVF for her pregnancies and has 2 frozen embryos left-this I dont necessarily agree with but its none of my business what they do). I just keep telling her thank god the baby is healthy but I also did let her know it's OK to feel sad, as it doesnt mean she will love the baby any less or isn't thankful its healthy (she obviously is).

I was wondering if anyone had it or had a dear friend go through it and any advice b/c I dont now what else to say to her. I am trying to just be positive to her and how wonderful it will be for them to have another boy. I know its really hard on her also b/c her best friend is due the same day and found out she is having a girl. Plus I just had a girl, so I know its eating her up inside. I am afraid to talk about my DD to her.

Please no flames or negative comments. This is not meant to cause drama...I genuinely love and care for her and would love any advice on how to handle the situation
TIA

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I don't know that there is anything else you can say to her. She's going to feel this way no matter what. I think you 've said a lot of nice things and just let her go through her motions.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

First of all, you're a good friend. I was a little sad when I first found out I was having a boy this time and not another girl so Ava would have a sister, but then I started to think about all the things that will be great about having a boy and I got over it really quickly.
That being said, I think you're doing the right thing, supporting her and being positive for her. She can't help how she feels, but will hopefully feel better about it soon.
If you want, you can offer her my almost 4 year old daughter for the day to see what she'd be in for with a girl

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by prncsslehcar


If you want, you can offer her my almost 4 year old daughter for the day to see what she'd be in for with a girl

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I think this is one of the best reasons to find out the sex earlier, b/c she can "mourn" all of her ideas and get over it (and she will)

My BFF has two boys, 17 months apart, we allt hought she was having a girl with her second and she was a little bummed too, but she got over it, just like your friend will

It'll be ok

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by bayla

Posted by prncsslehcar


If you want, you can offer her my almost 4 year old daughter for the day to see what she'd be in for with a girl

thats cute...I bet she would take her too

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

This is a hard thing. I think she needs some time to come to terms with it and to think of all the wonderful things there are about having two boys.

I also agree with Kate, if someone has even the smallest of preferences I always think it's better to find out at 20 weeks and have some time to come to grips with the sex of the baby.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by KateDevine

I think this is one of the best reasons to find out the sex earlier, b/c she can "mourn" all of her ideas and get over it (and she will)

My BFF has two boys, 17 months apart, we allt hought she was having a girl with her second and she was a little bummed too, but she got over it, just like your friend will

It'll be ok

Message edited 4/10/2010 10:56:28 PM.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I was gender disappointed at first.

I swore up and down it was a girl, and I couldn't picture me having a boy (I'm pretty girly)

Once I found out it was a boy, I cried my eyes out. What was I going to do with a boy? How could I ever relate? What about my little girl I was going to have?

(I ended up having a dream later on where a girl came to me a said, "I have to go now, you're not going to have me, you really didn't want me.") Freaky, right?

Anyway, everyone just said, "Oh it'll be fine, boys are great."

It's definitely something you get over, just takes some time.

I'm so happy I have a boy now. I never thought I'd say that, judging by how I felt at the sonogram appointment, but I mean it.

Just listen to her (you're great for being concerned) and know that it will pass. Maybe pick up an item of the gender she is going to have? Something cute.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Oh, and for what it's worth, I have played with DS's hair to create pigtails, just for a few minutes.

I've had to stop myself on polishing his toe nails too.

Call me crazy, but I'm honest!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by rileysmama

Oh, and for what it's worth, I have played with DS's hair to create pigtails, just for a few minutes.

I've had to stop myself on polishing his toe nails too.

Call me crazy, but I'm honest!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by bayla

Posted by KateDevine

I think this is one of the best reasons to find out the sex earlier, b/c she can "mourn" all of her ideas and get over it (and she will)

My BFF has two boys, 17 months apart, we allt hought she was having a girl with her second and she was a little bummed too, but she got over it, just like your friend will

It'll be ok

thank you...I agree with finding out the gender early if you think you'll have GD and with the mourning, she texted me earlier to tell me that she was looking at her DS's christening photos and how she will never get to put a frilly dress on her children for those kinds of occasions. Def better that she knows now versus finding out in the delivery room

Message edited 4/10/2010 11:00:20 PM.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by Diana1215

Posted by bayla

Posted by KateDevine

I think this is one of the best reasons to find out the sex earlier, b/c she can "mourn" all of her ideas and get over it (and she will)

My BFF has two boys, 17 months apart, we allt hought she was having a girl with her second and she was a little bummed too, but she got over it, just like your friend will

It'll be ok

thank you...I agree with finding out the gender early if you think you'll have GD and with the mourning, she texted me earlier to tell me that she was looking at her DS's christening photos and how she will never get to put a frilly dress on her children for those kinds of occasions. Def better that she knows now versus finding out in the delivery room

If it helps (and I don't know that it will) tell her that it's very easy to dream about these things with little girls. Frilly Christening dresses, Shopping with them, mani/pedis, always having someone around to celebrate holidays with because they say the boys go with their wives....but none of that is a guarantee at all. I know plenty of women who are closer to their husbands family and I know so many moms of boys who look at their daughter in laws as if they were their own daughters. And I know so many girls who don't have that kind of relationship with their mothers.

God gives you what you are meant to have, and it all works out for some reason. Let her mourn this time but I'm sure the second she holds that little boy in her arms this will all be a distant memory!

Message edited 4/10/2010 11:06:58 PM.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by bayla

Posted by KateDevine

I think this is one of the best reasons to find out the sex earlier, b/c she can "mourn" all of her ideas and get over it (and she will)

My BFF has two boys, 17 months apart, we allt hought she was having a girl with her second and she was a little bummed too, but she got over it, just like your friend will

It'll be ok

thank you...I agree with finding out the gender early if you think you'll have GD and with the mourning, she texted me earlier to tell me that she was looking at her DS's christening photos and how she will never get to put a frilly dress on her children for those kinds of occasions. Def better that she knows now versus finding out in the delivery room

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I am going to be totally honest here.. please don't flame me. I had it a bit. But, not so much because it's my first and I want two.. so trying again is an option. I ADORE my son. I wouldn't have it any other way. I fell in love the second I saw him.

HOWEVER, now I am terrified to try for two. We only want two and won't try for three.... so what will I feel if it's not a girl? That dissapointment would be soo bad. I know that I will be finding out for my second one (I didn't for my first) because I want to know and deal with my emotions before the baby comes. I know it sounds awful.. but, it's the way I feel.

Honestly, there is nothing you can do. She will get over it and of course she is going to love her child. Of course.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by rileysmama

Oh, and for what it's worth, I have played with DS's hair to create pigtails, just for a few minutes.

I've had to stop myself on polishing his toe nails too.

Call me crazy, but I'm honest!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I used to roll my eyes to people who have gender disappointment but my BFF is a mom of 5 boys whom she loves dearly. Her dream is to have a girl but it doesn't look like it's happening for her. She goes on websites like igender and fertilityfriend to talk to girls with similar issues. They can all relate to her. While I can't relate, I can still listen to her feelings and try to understand her strong desire.
I have 4 girls and she's perfectly fine with that b/c it's "me" - no jealousy. However she does get frustrated that the rest of the world can make girls and she (DH) can't.
There is a poem she showed me and it explained all her feelings. I'll ask her for it and I'll fm it to you. It's a sweet poem and it will help you understand a little more.
Just keep being a good friend!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by sfp0701

I am going to be totally honest here.. please don't flame me. I had it a bit. But, not so much because it's my first and I want two.. so trying again is an option. I ADORE my son. I wouldn't have it any other way. I fell in love the second I saw him.

HOWEVER, now I am terrified to try for two. We only want two and won't try for three.... so what will I feel if it's not a girl? That dissapointment would be soo bad. I know that I will be finding out for my second one (I didn't for my first) because I want to know and deal with my emotions before the baby comes. I know it sounds awful.. but, it's the way I feel.

Honestly, there is nothing you can do. She will get over it and of course she is going to love her child. Of course.

Message edited 4/11/2010 8:50:22 AM.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

i know someone who was very gender upset and even made a post on FB about it (tacky IMHO) but who am i to say.

she loves bother her sons now, but is still determined for a girl.

i know that my great grandparents wanted a boy to carry on the name, the 2 boys were the born in the top 4 but both died before a year... after that 12 more girls were born... 16 children total.. 14 girls and 2 boys who died. so after 12 more tries at boys they gave up.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by Lucky09

Posted by sfp0701



's for your friend. You can really just be there for her, really nothing you say is going to make her feel differently... You could suggest that she go on ingender.com - there is a forum for dealing with gender disappointment.

She is actually on ingender.com, but when I mention the gender disappointment section, she doesnt answer me. I think shes trying to see if she can deal with it, without going their. I know she is very embarrassed by her feelings, so maybe seeing it typed out is to hard for her right now.

Message edited 4/11/2010 8:22:29 AM.

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by Diana1215

If it helps (and I don't know that it will) tell her that it's very easy to dream about these things with little girls. Frilly Christening dresses, Shopping with them, mani/pedis, always having someone around to celebrate holidays with because they say the boys go with their wives....but none of that is a guarantee at all. I know plenty of women who are closer to their husbands family and I know so many moms of boys who look at their daughter in laws as if they were their own daughters. And I know so many girls who don't have that kind of relationship with their mothers.

God gives you what you are meant to have, and it all works out for some reason. Let her mourn this time but I'm sure the second she holds that little boy in her arms this will all be a distant memory!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

My BFF had a boy, and just recently had her 2nd boy (really really wanted a girl) ..Her DH has been pretty clear that he was done at 2 ( though she may try to talk him into a 3rd)...

She was team the whole pregnancy and I think initially she felt some feelings of dissapointment but now of-course that he is here she loves him to pieces...I am sure, like my friend she may still grieve the fact that she doesn't have a girl, but once he is here and she see's him she will be so in love with him that those feelings will replace any sadness that she may have...

Also, giving her older DS the gift of a brother is an awesome thing !

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

Posted by sfp0701

Posted by rileysmama

Oh, and for what it's worth, I have played with DS's hair to create pigtails, just for a few minutes.

I've had to stop myself on polishing his toe nails too.

Call me crazy, but I'm honest!

Umm I did that too!!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I don't really think there is anything you can do/say, except just offer her support. This is something she'll get over in time. I was slightly disappointed when I found out Riley was a girl....I hated myself for it, but the pressure was on to have a boy from so many angles, and everyone that knew us only pictured us with a boy (though many guessed we'd have a girl).

Now I can't even imagine myself with a boy- same with DH. We just love the heck out of her. When I was pregnant with Riley, I was thinking "Okay, next time I have to try to have a boy" and totally worrying about setting myself up for a disappointment. Well as time goes on, the sex of child #2 matters less and less. Riley isn't just a girl to me, she's everything. I just want her to have a sibling, and it's less about giving ourselves (and the family) a boy.

Now...I can't be 100% sure that there wouldn't be a twinge of disappointment if #2 is a girl...but I do feel like the pressure is off. I think it's something you just get over when you instantly fall in love with the little person!

Re: Gender Disappointment ?

I think you should just keep doing what your doing and telling me how great a little boy is. And hopefully she doesn't take it as far as resenting the new baby because of gender.

I have to be honest. I really really really want a little girl. I always have and I always will. If my next one is a girl I might feel a twinge of dissapointment but I can betcha it would last for about an hour. Because now that I already have a son I would LOVE to give him a brother. I actually have a strong feeling my next will be a boy (which will probably prompt us to go for 3). I just think there is something special about having two of the same gender. Either way it is a blessing. Hopefully your friend will come around.