Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Ok, so let me start by saying I from day 1 said I was doing a kids only party, then a week later I'm having our families over for pizza & cake for DS's 3rd birthday.

I didn't ask my mom & sister (who I am very close to) to come to DS's kids party (which is out at a Mommy & Me place) because I don't think it warrants it.

Well 2 days ago my MIL calls and asks if her & her sister can come...I said no but of course yes to the family party.

thought it was a dead issue

So last night I get a call from one of my guests who happens to have a daughter my sons age BUT is friends with my MIL (had a child late in life). She calls and asks "would it be ok if Trish (my MIL) takes Ashley to the party instead since I'm busy"....now I cannot help but think this was a setup.

I must add having my MIL does change things. She is great but tends to be ubber into my DS who is turning 3. I want him to play with his FRIENDS not my MIL.. Also, my DH is going and so is his friend. They tend to act crazy, and I want DH to have fun and relax and his MIL will watch and correct anything my DH does. And lastly she won't chat with anybody...so I will feel obligated to talk to her. Mind you I see her EVERY week!! We include her in EVERYTHING!!

This has been a big issue, the party thing. See growing up only my grandparents came over for cake. But since my DH's Mom is single and lives with her sister, who is next door to there other sister, it becomes a "Great Aunt" party...I mean they sometimes think the "Great Aunts" are on the same level as my sister who is the actual "Aunt".

Would you be upset? Trust me, I have a great relationship with my MIL and wouldn't do anything to change that, but on this one I'm P.O.!!!

I only invites people with kids. Its a kids party place, not my house....GRRR

Message edited 1/12/2012 10:34:37 AM.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

I agree its a set-up but I'm not sure how you can get out of that one without looking like you are keeping DS from MIL.

How does DH feel about it?

Any chance you could say the place requires a "parent" to stay with each kid?

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Message edited 1/12/2012 10:01:43 AM.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Ugh, that is really annoying. I understand why you don't want them there. I'm trying to remember my kids parties when I was little and I don't think my Grandmas were there either.

I would get DH to talk to his mom (that's the one who's trying to scam her way into the party, right?) and tell her that she can DROP OFF the friend's daughter but not stay. I would tell her that staying will cause problems with YOUR family becuase they're not invited, they will get hurt feelings, etc. I would really put your foot down and not allow her there, especially if you think she's going to try to monopolize DS. Good luck!

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Ick - tricky situation!

Yeah, it does sound like she is trying to get her way into the party. (Gee, sounds like another MIL that I know )

I agree with a pp whereas you have to say no to it because your family is not invited either. Then it becomes an issue with why can T go when your Mom can't go. It's not right of T to put you in this situation, so DON'T feel bad if you have to draw the line. Make sure that YOU stay in control.

Maybe invite the other lady with her daughter to the family party just to give yourself an "out" from this situation. yes, it will make it one more person (who is not family) coming to a family party... but I think it's a better option than having T bring the girl to the party. Too much crap that will stir up!

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

This is part of the reason why I won't do kid parties at a party place.. I have a huge family as does my ex and apart from feeling obligated to invite all, quite honestly, I couldn't imagine having a party for any of my kids WITHOUT having everyone there.. esp. my mom and dad, sis, etc.

IMO, I think you are being a little harsh and it's obvious that it's because you don't care for your MIL.. she sounds like she can be a little overbearing but I would be happy that she loved my DS so much as does the Great Aunts, which IMO are as much of your son's aunts as your sister.. I'm a family person, so maybe that's why I'm viewing this differently, so I apologize in advance if my scope is wrong..

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Posted by bicosi

This is part of the reason why I won't do kid parties at a party place.. I have a huge family as does my ex and apart from feeling obligated to invite all, quite honestly, I couldn't imagine having a party for any of my kids WITHOUT having everyone there.. esp. my mom and dad, sis, etc.

IMO, I think you are being a little harsh and it's obvious that it's because you don't care for your MIL.. she sounds like she can be a little overbearing but I would be happy that she loved my DS so much as does the Great Aunts, which IMO are as much of your son's aunts as your sister.. I'm a family person, so maybe that's why I'm viewing this differently, so I apologize in advance if my scope is wrong..

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

My aunt is her aunt, as much as my sister is her aunt and my brothers her uncles. We don’t define grand-aunt. Honestly my aunt “Auntie” is invited to every party and every event, even simple PTA stuff. She wont’ be around forever, never had children of her own and truly cherishes all the time she can spend with my daughter. So I don’t have an issue with it. HOWEVER, my husband is good with my aunt and doesn’t have issue with her being around etc. No change of attitude (to specify)

That said, I think I get it. You wanted kid time. Having MIL there is going to make your DH uncomfortable and shift the focus of your son. Her presence will change the atmosphere. Not so much negatively but just not what you had planned for this party. Sort of makes you feel like your efforts to have the separate party are wasted. That can feel frustrating.

I have a feeling no explanation of that will get her to understand and back down. So really, no advice but good luck.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

yea, its a no-win situation for me and it sucks!! I really wish my MIL would understand that a kids party is for kids and a family party is for her...plan & simple.

I just didn't like how this all went down. I felt set-up and when her friend called me to ask if my MIL could take her daughter, how could I say no? Its not my way. But now it changes things.

DH and I are planned to tell her to NOT hover around Liam. And I want to enjoy my friends at the event & their kids.

That is what a family party is for. Let her be all over him there...

Its not that I don't like her, I do..My god, its too much, just too much!! Like I said, I see her 2x per week, her sisters are all over DS. I know its great, but EVERY WEEK guys....

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

I see no reason for "extra" adults to be at a kids party if there is a family party as well. It doesn't call for it...I just had DD 5th Birthday and I never mentioned it to them. That is why I do family parties.

ETA: I think MIL set that up... totally too much of a coincidence.

Message edited 1/12/2012 12:18:49 PM.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

ugh that sucks. I would call her and say it would not be fair for her to go and your mom not to go .. just say how bad you feel and how much fun you will have at fam party

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

At least your mil will have the responsibility of watching her friend's daughter. That might keep her busy enough to sort of let off your ds and dh.

I have a similar but opposite issue. I am having ds' party at a kiddie place that has room for plenty of adults but the party is in the morning. My mil would prefer that her 3 siblings and their spouses be invited to the cake at my house on ds' real bday since the kiddie party is so early. I'd rather lump them in at the kiddie party bc one their own grand children will be in attendance and two I feel like having them at my house turns a very casual get together into something where I feel like I have to scrub bathrooms and serve 9 different coffees instead of just a pizza, cake, and box of Joe from dd.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

What if you tried to appeal to her sense of fairness - say you just really don't want your mom to feel bad that she can't go so you'd rather not have her come to keep the family peace. It sounds like you have a good relationshipo with her - do you think a guilt trip would work on her?

Good luck, sounds very frustrating. If it doesn't work, could you maybe let your mom come too and tell her it's then her job to keep MIL from hovering?

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I wouldnt want my MIL to go. And i have the same type of relationship with my MIL. she is great I care for her but sometimes when it comes to my dd she can be a bit overbearing. What really bothers me is if my own mom and sister werent invited I sure as heck wouldnt want my MIL there

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

I would be upset.

I agree its a set up.

I am not sure if I missed it but how did MIL get to go in the first place?

I think you are ON POINT with all the things you are concerned about.

I think if your own family isnt going, I dont think MIL should go . AT ALL.

I cant stand that kind of stuff. No tolerance for it.

I would have said its just for kids and not even allowed her, esp if other fam members will be told no.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Posted by bicosi
IMO, I think you are being a little harsh and it's obvious that it's because you don't care for your MIL.. she sounds like she can be a little overbearing but I would be happy that she loved my DS so much as does the Great Aunts, which IMO are as much of your son's aunts as your sister.. I'm a family person, so maybe that's why I'm viewing this differently, so I apologize in advance if my scope is wrong..

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

I would tell her no. I'm sorry but if my OWN mother isn't going, I can't imagine saying it is okay that my MIL be there. I would tell her that you are trying to keep the peace and you just can't have her there without upsetting a lot of other family members.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

I would say that actually a parent must be with all kids and also since your parents aren't going it wouldn't be fair to have MIL go, sorry :)

Say it as nice as possible. If she can't make it (the child's mother) then she can't, but I bet she'll "suddenly" be able to come to the party with her DD.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

how about asking the person to drop off their daughter and telling her you will bring her home after the party? this way MIL does not need to be there. If the friend trusts your MIL enough to watch her child, she should have no problem trusting you, a mom of a child the same age.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

I don't know, I have been to hundreds of kiddie parties and at almost all of them there was an Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, or Grandparent there. I was bummed that none of Jacks Grandparents were around to see him enjoy his kiddie party. For me, the more, the merrier.

Message edited 1/12/2012 2:26:22 PM.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

there need to be boundaries.... unwritten and unspoken you both need to know what they are

she crossed it. no good.

Dave needs to do some talking.

sorry.

Re: Grandparents/Aunts at kids parties

Message edited 1/12/2012 3:05:20 PM.