Help.... I'm going to have a nervous breakdown (LONG)...

Posted By

Message

Pages: [1] 2 3 4

Blissful
Ultimate Expression of LOVE

Member since 6/08

4985 total posts

Name:
Maria

Help.... I'm going to have a nervous breakdown (LONG)...

Alexa is 3 weeks old and it has been 3 weeks of hell......

I've never fully posted my birth story because I was having a hard itme dealing with it and for some reason I'm embarraseed/ashamed of everythign that happened even though it was out of my control......

The short story. I was in labor for 51 hours. I was planning ahomebirth after 42 hours I made the decision to be transferred to a hospital because I was diagnosed with hypertonic uterus conractions. I was contraction every 2-3 minutes with contractions lasting over 2 minutes long and I wasn't dilating.

Throughout my ENTIRE labor the baby's heartrate was checked every 15 minutes to make sure the long labor was not stressing her out.... Her hearrate was always perfect and she was a "happy baby"

When I got to the hopital I got my epidural and was able to relax. My midewife was just about to break my water when It broke on it own, which was great. The bad part was that I had meconium in it. Not a lot of meconium but enough that our whole "birth plan" went out the windown and a NICU team was called down to be on hand to check her out. I started to get frantic about this.

At the same time my epidural didn't work below my belly button so I started to have excriciating pain.

I pushed her out in 45 minutes and she cam out with her head turned to right and her hand on her cheek which caused me to tear and because her head was in this position for so many hours the muscles and nerves in her neck tightneded up causing her to be unable to turn her head to the left and have a hard time opening her mouth (BIG PROBLEM for BFing)

Her apgar scores were great 9 and 9 so I was able to have her on my chest right away but after a few minutes she started vomiting and choking on green thick fluid ( meconium) so the NICU team had to do deep tracheal suctioning. ( they insert a soft tube down the babys throat and suction it)

Because of the neck issue and suctioning ALexa was "traumatized" and refused to open her mouth and made BFing nearly impossible.

As per the lactation consultant in teh hospital, my pediatrician and midwives for 4 days I hand expressed my colustrum into a little cup and had to feed her every 45 minutes -1 hour with a 1 CC syringe. It was pure torture.

At the same time she was having episodes of gagging, vomiting, coughing nad choking. everyone kept saying that her gag reflex was sensitive from teh suctioning but I knew somethign was wrong.

On teh 4th day my milk came in and I was able to start feeding her more. Also, we strarted to introduce a bottle. We had been working with another DR who was doing special massage therapy to loosen up the knots in her neck and she started opening her mouth more.

On the 5th night I woke up to her chocking and gagging in her bassinet with milk streaming out of her mouth and nose and she stopped breathign for about 4-5 seconds. I was ABSOLUTELY terrified.

I started doing some research ( I have a medical backround) and I concluded that she had SEVERE acid reflux..... she had soooo many more symptoms than the ones I listed.

So I made another appointment with teh pediatrician and she agreed and we started her on zantac. She progressively got worse and I continued to research.

WE increased the dose of teh zantac and at the same time I've eliminated" Dairy and all its derivatives, ALL forms of gluten, corn, eggs, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol and garlic from my diet in case she also had an underlying food allergy..... I know it can take 2-3 weeks for everythign to clear out of your system and it's only been a few days.

We have an appointment tomorrow at Yale's Children's hospital with a GI specialist ( we live in CT )

In the mean time I am losing my mind...... SHe gets worse and worse every day. SHe spends HOURS screaming ( so much she has broken blood vessels in her face) She refuses to let anyone else hold her except for me and I can only sometimes get her calm.

When she finally is calm I have to pump....... I haven't been able to pump consistently so my once AWESOME supply is suffering adding to my stress.

I can't sleep because I either have to hold her or I am terrified she is going to have another vomiting episode in her sleep, choke and die. Chat Icon I've woken up in the middle of the night TERRIFIED because she wasn't making noise and I though she was dead.

We have her propped up at all times. Her changing pad is propped, she is fed propped, changed proppe and her bassinet is propped.

She hates the bouncer chair, hates the swing and will only tolerate the sling every once in a while.....

I don't know what to do anymore..... I am so sad, ANGRY, diassapointed and confused.

I feel like a horrible mom, I blame myself for half the problems. I feel like I need to be more patinet but i'm EXHAUSTED, mentally and physically.

I am terrified that when we go to Yale tomorrow they are going to want to do invasive testing or say that somethign is seriously wrong and that she will need surgery...... I 'm just so scared......

If you've read this far thank you. I guess if anyone has dealth with this or has any suggestions or advice I would appreciate it...... I'm just feel so hopeless these days and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel

Chat Icon

Message edited 3/9/2009 4:20:11 PM.

Posted 3/9/09 4:19 PM