Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

I am so glad it's not just us. I have contemplated asking for marriage counseling. I am so fed up at times. If I am not feeding the baby or playing with him, I am trying to get washes done or unpack things. (We literally moved into our home the night before I delivered DS, not recommended at all.) But I will look over at DH and he'll be on his Mets chat boards, or Opie and Anthony chatboards, and I want to ring his neck.

So I pass the baby over to DH so I can get things done. What does he do? Holds the baby in one hand and stares at the internet. Or if the baby gets fidgety he will walk around with him for 5-10 minutes then put him in his swing or bouncer because he gets 'too heavy'. Then he goes back to the internet. Or, he'll sit on the floor with the baby and watch TV. That's his play time, baby stares at him watching TV. I try to turn the TV off or at least just turn on the music channels. DH does not like this. It's almost as if he's saying 'Why must I suffer?' I accused him a few days ago of not changing his life at all. And another fight happened.

When I'm breastfeeding the baby, DH thinks it's our downtime and gets on the damn internet. Tonight I finally said 'Could you please do something?' He said 'Why, you're feeding the baby.' So, he figures that feeding the baby is my down time. Well, since it's downtime, I guess I should allow DH to get up in the middle of the night and feed him my pumped bottles. If it's downtime, it shouldn't matter to him to get up.

All I am asking for are the little things. When DH does a wash for me and/or folds it, I am sooooo happy. DH also does cook when we are home together. Thank God! (Although he did it before because he likes to cook. So, it's not necessarily a helping with the baby thing.) Please cut up my food for me!!!!!!! I'm there, trying to breastfeed DS, with a chicken cutlet. I stab the entire chicken cutlet with my fork and chew on it that way. You'd think he'd notice I have an entire hunk of chicken hanging off the fork and offer to cut it up.

I thought maybe it was just me about the whole eating thing. But when MIL was over, she immediately offered to cut up my food when dinner was ready. I began to cry. I said 'Can you please teach him to do it?' I've gotten so used to it that we were at a wedding recently (without DS) and I stabbed my eggplant with the fork and started chewing on it. DH said 'Honey, you have a knife and another arm. There's no baby.'

I'm so sorry I've babbled, but this felt good to let it out. There's probably nobody still reading this far. Can I tell you the greatest thing that happened on Thanksgiving? I was feeding DS during appetizers and DH brought a plate of food to me. That meant the world to me. Maybe we are finally beginning to get there.

BTW: The reason I can write this and be on the internet so long: I'm at work.

You are not alone!

Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

We never fought alot, if we did it was during my PMS time I must admit. (but dont tell him I admitted that ) but it seemed once I saw those 2 lines on the PG test and now DS is 11 weeks old, we have had maybe 2 fights. I think its because we are so happy all the time.

I hope it works out for you and I would seek help if you both want to.

Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

I can honestly say I remember that feeling. It was awful. I thought about leaving my husband because it just didn't seem like marriage should be like this. Having my DD put a ton of stress on our marriage. We were just starting to get back on track when I got pregnant with #2 so needless to say I can already see this happening again. I am just hoping by the time #2 is 2 that we are still together and that things will be ok.

Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I am glad to know I am not the only one and that many of you can openly admit that having children, as much of a blessing as it and as much as we love our little ones, is EXTREMELY stressful on us personally and on our marriages.

DH and I have are very open with one another and try hard to communicate our feelings. I even read him some of your stories that you posted and I think he understands it a little better now b/c he see's it's not only me. Not many of our close friends and family have children yet...we were the first so he doesnt have anything to compare it to in a way.

I hope it get's better for all us!

Message edited 11/25/2007 4:32:49 PM.

Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

I totally understand.. I tell my Dh all the time he still has "me" time when I dont have any.. I am with the baby 24/7 which I love and will never change, but its hard. I would love to go out and get a pedi or go shopping or even go and get my eye brows waxed... Dh and I have fought and he just does not understand he claims I am emotional yet I just want some time for me


All our Dh's have their "me" time and serouly their lives have not changed as much as ours. they still go in thier cars by themselves and listen to thier music in their cars i listen to kiddy music now.. anyway I understand and I guess its just a part of having a baby keep posting things like this so we can help one another

Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

First year was the hardest on our relationship - the sleep deprivation certainly doesn't help, and add on top of that two working parents with a collicky baby who didn't sleep more than 4 hours at a time until she was 1, well, there you go! I can honestly say, our relationship improved DRAMATICALLY the day that Alex started sleeping 11-12 hours a night. It's unbelievable what a reliable, predictable routine will do for everyone involved.

I think that most people experience this in the first year with a new baby - everyone's routine and life is uprooted and changed, and while you can YEARN to go back to some kind of normalcy that you had pre-baby, it's an expectation that sets us all up for a huge fall. The only way I was able to navigate my way through the first year was to finally accept that yes, life has changed, and that I would have to find a NEW normal.

On top of trying to find your own focus again, there's your relationship with your DH, which takes a huge hit in the first year. I just had to keep reminding myself that, as much as I am in love with this new little creature in my life, my number ONE priority should be to provide HER with a role model of a healthy, loving relationship with my husband. I make an effort to do little things for him that shows him how much I appreciate him. We set aside a date night at least once, usually twice a month, and when she goes to bed every night at 7pm, we have 2-3 hours to ourselves - we make dinner together and eat together in the dining room, and TALK. It's those little things that seemed meaningless before your baby, that help keep you together afterwards. It's not easy - it takes a lot of work and effort, but the payoff is worth it

Re: How has having a baby changed your marriage?

I know for us, the sleep deprivation was the hardest hitting thing for me. I am cranky to begin with if I don't get enough rest so that put me on edge all the time. I know I was the one starting most of our arguments (which were petty) because of lack of sleep. But I wouldn't say DD changed our marriage really, DH and I have been through so much together being friends for almost 24 years now. DH started a new job just before DD was born so he has been working weird hours which prevents us from being able to go out together much. I wish we were able to do that a little more and maybe I wouldn't be as cranky as I have been